Original subtitles

Julie. What?

Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Jerry and my Aunt Jewel?

Uncle Jerry and Aunt Jewel, isn't that cute?

So they were married for 40 years. Uh -huh. And they decided to go on a second

honeymoon. And Uncle Jerry said, let's go back to the place where we had our

first honeymoon.

Wouldn't that be romantic? So they go back to the same hotel that they went to

on their first honeymoon 40 years before, and they take the same room.

Isn't that great? Don't they get into the room? Aunt Jewel says.

Yeah, you remember what you did 40 years ago, the first thing?

Gave me a little kiss on the forehead. Go ahead, do it again.

Kisses are on the forehead.

Then she said, yeah, you remember the second thing you did? You held my hand?

Do it again.

So he holds her hand.

Then she said, yeah, you remember the third thing you did?

You gave me a little bite on the neck?

Do it again.

He said, wait a second, I'll get my teeth.

Welcome back, patterns recorded live before a studio audience.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

all of Tsar Nicholas and the rise of the socialist proletariat, the Russian

Revolution had come to a close.

The end.

Oh,

a truly inspiring lesson, Mr.

Carter.

Where did you learn all that stuff?

Simple, Arnold. I saw Dr. Zhivago four times.

I'm late.

What's happening, Vinnie?

Vinnie, that's the bell. You just crossed over the line from late to

It's lunchtime. Hey, I hope you got a good excuse.

Hey, Vinnie.

Hey, Vinnie, come on. Don't worry about it. I can say no for any occasion.

See, I got me this new gimmick, Vinnie. All my notes are in verse.

Hey, listen to this.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

I've been home two days with the Asian flu.

Terrific. I got me a future in poetry.

F .C., I don't think Rod McKeown is worried.

Hey. Hey, Freddy.

You got that note I sold you for your science class?

Oh, yeah.

Listen to this.

To my dearest science teacher, please forgive me for missing your lecture on

mold.

I was home sick with a bad head cold.

You guys got any notes for sick grandmothers?

I just got back from the hospital.

My grandmother, she's really sick.

Oh, Vinnie.

I'm so sorry.

How old is she?

Eighty -seven.

Eighty -seven?

Still a young woman.

What's she got?

I think she's just got a bad case of old.

Hey, Vinnie, who's to say what's old? I mean, your grandma might pull through.

I read about a guy from South America who's 130 years old.

He lives in a hut he built out of his own kidney stones.

I think she's gonna die.

I mean, nobody has ever died on me before, Mr. Carter. I mean, they can't

that. I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

I mean, I know it's hard for you, but it's hard for everybody.

Death is just a part of life, and we've all got to learn to accept it.

All right, look, maybe you'd feel better if we talked about it.

Hey, Vinnie, Mr.

Cartier's right.

It's something that you just got to accept.

You've learned to accept death, Freddie?

Oh, yeah.

As long as it's somebody else's.

Thank you. Albert Schweitzer.

What do you think about the subject, Arnold?

Personally, I'm against it.

Yeah, well, I don't worry about death.

I got a note for wherever I go.

Here's an interesting question.

What do you guys think happens to somebody after they die?

Miss Fishbeck's English class.

Very, very boring.

But I figure we're all coming back anyway, and when I come back, this time

coming back taller.

You believe in reincarnation, Arnold?

No, I just believe in being taller.

With my luck, if I got reincarnated, I'd come back as Mr. Woodman.

kooky stuff at a time like this.

I mean, this is serious.

A Catholic is dying.

I'm sorry, Vinnie. We just... Hey, Mr. Carter, why do you suppose people gotta

die?

Arnold, throughout history, the great philosophers, thinkers, they've all

pondered that question, you know?

Did they ever come up with an answer?

Probably. They're all dead.

Poor Shaq.

People gotta die because that's the way God likes things.

I mean, he works in mysterious ways.

Oh, you mysterious guy, you.

Yes. If we all lived forever, you know what that would mean?

Yeah, it would mean you guys would spend 200 years in the 11th grade.

You know what they say.

Once you're dead, life ain't worth living.

Mr. Carter, I want to ask you something, all right?

I mean, have you ever lost anybody?

Yeah.

I lost my Uncle Manny, somebody I really love.

He used to come over to my house every Saturday.

He'd always have something for me, a toy, a present.

Always have a pocket full of change.

Come here, baby, what do you need, a quarter? Here you go.

And always yell at my mother if she would baby me a little bit.

What are you doing, Esther? Leave him alone. He doesn't need his earmuffs.

August. Let him go outside.

Then he spent the afternoon losing to my father at Pinochle.

He always lost to my father at Pinochle.

Then one Saturday, he didn't show up.

I asked my mother, I said, where's Uncle Manny?

She said that he was sick in the hospital.

Did he have any last words to you?

Yeah. She said, Davey, come here.

I got something to tell you.

I didn't say this for 40 years.

Your father cheats at pinochle.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words. Beautiful.

He said, Nurse.

Oh!

Oh, oh!

uncle when he was like that when he was sick like that if he had wanted you to

do something special would you have done it sure i mean if i could have oh

no that's what i was afraid of now i guess i gotta do it do what you see the

whole time my mother was pregnant with me right well my grandmother gave up

totally on her ever becoming a nun

She'd always say, she'd say, Vincenzo, I would have died a happy woman if you

would become a priest.

That's a rough one.

My grandmother said she'd die happy if I just keep out of jail and never get

tattooed.

Vinnie, you've got to be fair to yourself. You've got a right to be

want to be.

this situation with a little bit of cool and logic.

You've got as much chance being a priest as I do getting the lead in a school

production of Snow White.

Yeah, and Freddy was the best one who read for the part.

But me and Horshack, see, we're still up for dwarfs.

Yeah, guess who's gonna play Dopey?

If I was casting, I'd have a rough time choosing.

Now, wait a minute. Just wait one minute. You guys, you think that I ain't

enough to become a priest.

Right.

Vinnie, not everybody is cut out to be a priest.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I want to tell you all something.

Up all your noses, you rebel.

Oh, no, no, no.

Frederick.

I forgive you.

You heard the latest?

Barbarino has decided to become a priest.

Yeah. Just went downstairs to bless Epstein's gym locker.

Had a scream.

You're not laughing, Carter. What's the matter?

I was just thinking about my Uncle Manny.

Why? Does he owe you money?

No, no. He died when I was 15.

Well, listen to this, Carter. This will cheer you up.

Today, Barbarino came up to me and he told me he loved me.

Me.

Old man Woodface.

Ah, the kid's a scream.

You're still not laughing, Carter.

Vinnie's had a rough time lately, Mr. Woodman. His grandma died last week and

she always wanted him to be a priest.

Well, of course, I'm sorry to hear about his grandmother.

Are you sure she's dead?

What kind of question is that?

Of course she's dead. I'm sorry, Carter. I had to ask. I haven't forgotten last

semester.

Epstein's grandmother died three times.

I, uh... I still remember the note that he turned in.

Violets are blue.

Roses are red.

I'm sorry to announce my grandmother's dead.

Mr. Woodman, do you ever think about death?

Sure, every time I walk into your classroom.

I'm serious, Mr. Woodman. Like, I don't know what I'd do if something happened

to my wife.

How do you feel when you lose somebody that's close to you?

I don't know.

Nobody's close to me.

But, uh, you know, Carter, most people hope they go fast.

Not me.

I want to be a burden to others as long as I can.

I love you, Mr.

Woodruff.

He just screamed his kiss.

Hi, Vinnie. How you doing?

Oh, hello, Mr. Carter.

I didn't see you at this morning's prayer meeting in Home Economics.

You know, Mr. Carter, prayer is good for you.

Oh, I know that, Vinnie, I know.

I prayed all morning.

The whole time I was on the subway coming to work.

I prayed that we get to my stop before the two guys who were kicking the

conductor noticed me.

That's funny.

Mr. Carter, the reason I'm here is to talk about yesterday's quiz you flunked

in. I forgive you.

Don't forgive me, Vinnie, okay? Just study.

Mr. Carter, the Lord is my shepherd.

Do sheep study?

You look confused.

Mr. Carter, have you had any religious training?

Oh, sure, Vinnie.

I'm a member of the Church of the Seven -Day Opportunists.

We believe that after you die, you return to Earth as an aluminum siding

salesman.

Look, Vinnie, you're going overboard with this whole thing.

Mr. Carter, I've got a great idea. Why don't you just read some of these

pamphlets I have here?

You never know when he's going to ask questions.

Vinnie. Why don't you study your social studies book? You never know when I'm

going to ask questions.

Heaven on $5 a day.

Judgment day and what to wear.

you. I said I love you.

I love you.

Oh?

You do?

Well, I guess that's nice.

As you know, Vinnie, I've always held you in the highest regard.

Boy, it's like murdering... here to try to give someone a religious experience.

Oh, Frederick Wan, you shouldn't be wasting your money on idle games of

You should give it to the poor.

Give our money to the Pope. Yes.

I don't know if you've heard it, my man.

a lot less fortunate than you.

Yeah, like you.

You're nuts, baby. You're crazy.

It's fo -fo -da -da time, then, then.

Ah, Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter. Listen, may I use your classroom to give a little

talk today?

It's entitled, Fear Not When You Walk With The Lord, or Stay Off Flatbush

After 11 O 'Clock.

See, I'm going to give a little talk of my own. It's entitled, Yay Though I...

of the shadow of social studies, I learn nothing.

All right, all right, all right. Then how about just letting me get up in

of the classroom and try to heal Horschak?

Heal Horschak? Yes.

Where would you start?

Now, boys.

Are we still on for after school? How's any cool?

Love and peace.

84th Street.

Perhaps you have not heard, you brazen young hussy.

But you are speaking to Father Vinnie Pooh.

All right, will you guys just get out of here?

I mean my sons.

My sons, what I'm trying to do here is just spread a little goodwill on a new

member of my flock.

This sort of behavior is entirely out of the question.

I can't go with you this afternoon.

I can't.

You're breaking our date so you can go out with Dolores again.

How could you dump me for a Leo?

Hey, I don't go out with nobody called Leo.

And bless you.

May you walk in peace.

I can't take it.

I just can't take it.

I can't take it.

How about you come in and take 40 minutes of social studies? Come on,

I try, Mr. Carter, I really do.

I mean, in the morning, when I'm eating my oatmeal, I give thanks.

Even on this morning, it was too lumpy.

Obviously the work of the devil. Yes.

When I come to school...

When I see somebody like Bambi, right, or Kiki Kornberg, with those tight

with that little patch on her back that says, Have a nice day, I'm ball pot!

I'm the ball pot!

Benny, you weren't cut out to be a priest.

Come on, my son, let's go to class.

to join.

All right?

So I ain't so good at being holy.

Wrong, Vinny.

You're trying too hard to be holy.

Look, everybody here knows you're upset.

And what your friends, I think, are trying to show you is that you can't go

living someone else's conception of what your life should be.

Hey, look, I love my Uncle Manny, but just because he died, that didn't mean I

wanted to become a bad pinochle player.

And what about my grandmother?

May she rest in peace.

Vinny, it's hard to lose somebody you love. But you just gotta go on and live

your own life.

Like, you really think that it'd be okay for me not to become a priest?

Mm -hmm.

Bambi, I'm coming, Bambi!

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

My mother's gonna be so upset.

Hey, Vinny.

think you better sign it, you know? I mean, like I would have signed your own

name, but I need a little more experience forging your signature.

Sit down. Okay.

Sit down!

Dear Mrs.

Barbarino, they were shocked when you had a son because that meant you could

be a nun.

I hope you won't mind this in the least, but your son Vinnie will not be a

priest.

Epstein's teacher.

Did I

ever

tell you about my Uncle Morris who was kind of, you know, thrifty?

Uncle Thrifty Morris.

Right. Good.

Now, one time, Uncle Thrifty Morris and two of his friends were sitting around,

and they were discussing how much money they give to various religions,

charities, you know. And the first guy says, well, when I get all my money, I

draw a line down the center of the floor. I throw my money up in the air.

What comes down on the right side, I give to the Lord. On the left side,

what I keep for myself.

Good. Second guy says, I take all my money, I throw it up in the air. What

down heads, I give to the Lord.

Tails, I keep for myself.

Now, Uncle Morris says, I take my money, I throw it up in the air, what

stays in the air, I give to the Lord.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the

spot.