Original subtitles

Julie, ever tell you about the time I went to visit my Uncle Mo Cotter in the

hospital? No.

Why don't you tell me about the time you went to visit your Uncle Mo Cotter in

the hospital?

Well, I would be delighted to. Good.

See, he was in an oxygen tent, and I went to see him, and he looked up at me,

and he said, Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

What did that mean?

That's what I asked my aunt. I said, what is he trying to say?

She said, he's saying air hose dummy is stepping on the air hose.

Welcome

back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back.

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. We tease him a lot cause we got

him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Get your red hot test.

What's that? You say you're not satisfied.

You say you want more for your money.

All right, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

With each and every test comes a coupon entitling the bearer to a five -pound

wedge of Fatshamata mozzarella cheese.

This is the cheese that you hold up to the light. And you see what little

saw behind the barn door.

Take a test and pass the rest. Take a test and pass the rest.

Hey, Mr. Carter, mine's blank here.

Oh,

yeah, this is one test I think I can pass.

Hey, they're all blank.

Mine has a little note attached.

Dear Mr.

Carter, as usual, by the time I got around to Mimeo -ing the test for your

clear, the Mimeo machine broke down.

She's the one with the bazooties.

All right, all right. I got bad news for everybody.

No test today.

You promised.

All right, look, come on.

Let's get to work, okay?

I want to show you about the coastline of the southern United States. We have a

point.

Mr. Woodman for a new map.

You know what he told me?

Said I should pick one up at the gas station.

You know, Mr. Carter, it's time that you and me did a little business, right?

You need supplies and you need money. Well, we could raise money. There's

of ways to raise money. For instance... Oh! Oh! Oh!

a little extra money on the hubcaps.

Come on, we need an idea with a little class.

Class? Hey, I could sell kisses.

And that's just for openers.

All right, that's enough.

That's enough, Vinnie, all right? I got it. Hey, kids, let's put on a show.

Hey, I got an idea. Listen to this.

In school. Yeah.

It's about time we get Benton off the streets, into the school here. Are you

kidding? I'll let you get five to two. That'll never happen.

I'll take that bet.

When charities want to raise money, they always go on TV.

And how, pray tell, are we supposed to do that?

Well, Mr.

Carter, I happen to be a frequent watcher of Channel 52 .4.

It's right here in Brooklyn.

Yeah, I know the channel. The only time I can get it is if I hook my antenna up

to my toaster.

That's the one.

Well, Mr. Carter, I feel that they would just leap at the chance for a sweat hog

telethon.

Arnold, why don't you leap back to your seat?

Look,

nobody could possibly convince a television station to do a sweat hog

Nobody in their right mind would even try.

Sure, but we could try.

I want to apologize for the way you and your sweat ox have been treated in

regard to supplies and promise you it will never happen again.

Ask me why it will never happen again.

Why will it never happen again?

It's funny you should ask that, Cutter.

I've been making some budget cuts and unless the money fairy comes up with 700

big ones...

I'm dropping the remedial academics program for this semester.

Mr.

Whitman, you can't do that. I mean, these kids need this program. They have,

special problems.

Yeah.

I know I got special problems.

You can't break us up. I mean, we go together.

Like, like submarine and sandwich.

You sweat hogs will be absorbed in the mainstream of the school.

where you will never be seen or heard from again.

Let's do it, man.

Hey, hey, he can't do that. Hey, he can't do that. Can he do that?

He can do that.

Hey, that's just not fair, man.

Well, I am not going to let it happen.

I am going to call up channel 52 .4, if they have a phone, and I am going to

convince them into doing a sweat hog telethon.

revolutionary idea you call my TV station about.

Oh, Oliver, thanks for coming over. Well, I don't know how revolutionary it

Hey, don't worry about it, kid. I'm a genius.

Whatever you got, I can make it work.

I got a telethon.

I can't make it work.

Oliver, look, it would be a direct remote right from this classroom.

I've got an idea.

I see.

I see a direct remote from the classroom.

Students working on their own behalf.

I see students working on their own behalf.

Oliver, you're a genius.

Oliver, you're a genius.

Who we got for talent?

Well, my wife sings and I've been known to tell a few jokes.

Really? You don't look funny.

Thank you.

My sweat hogs can perform.

Performing sweat hogs.

Those are my students, the sweat hogs. And they've got all sorts of talents.

I'm sure you'd love them if you got a chance to see them.

sweet thing is answer the phone.

The phone?

You are doing a telethon with one phone?

Sorry,

Mrs. Carter, but this is all we could appropriate.

With this, I decided to join your show.

Not many people know this, Carter, but I sing.

show business my whole life i mean i'm just there's ice water running through

these veins

But you're coming back.

Give it to me later. Give it to me later, okay? Just wait over

here for a minute. Let me do a few...

Oh, the curly hair?

Oh, that's Juan Epstein, yeah.

Hey, Juan, somebody wants to pay money to see your face. Get out in front of

camera. Yeah, so we're counting on all you people from Brooklyn to come in and

get us $700 for T -shirts.

That's what we need.

Thank you very much. This is one of the children's ones.

Hey, Juan, you need to clear. The lady says you ain't the one that snatched her

purse.

with the rest of our telethon, so stay with us. We have a word from station,

identification, and we'll see you in a minute.

Uh, Cotter, Cotter, now that just you, uh, yourself again, uh, introduced me. I

know this is important, Cotter. I'm not using my first name, Michael.

So, uh, just say, ladies and gentlemen, Woodman.

Later, Mr. Woodman, later, okay? Not yet. Later, not yet.

Oh, hi, I see we're back. Well, just follow us right over here, and we're

walk over... to see our tote girl, Verna Jean Williams, and our tote board.

Verna Jean, would you tell us what our total is so far?

Oh, yeah. Oh, sure, sure.

Let's see.

So, man, so far we ain't made a plug nickel.

Well, I'm sure you people out there are just waiting for our entertainment to

start, and you're going to send in your money soon, right?

Okay. Well, we'd like to start off right now with the boy you just met, the

Puerto Rican Jewish madcap. Here he is.

appointed sweetheart groom of Buchanan High School. This is ready.

Boom, boom. I shoot.

Healing for anything you can spare.

Five dollars.

Two dollars. One dollar.

A quarter.

Anything at all.

A dime.

A dime, you say?

You can see.

that Sicilian songbird, the wonderful...

After seeing our show, and particularly the ventriloquist number, the drunks at

Harry's Bar have pledged to quit drinking.

Thank you, drunks at Harry's Bar.

We have a $15 pledge from Our Lady of Spain Accordion School.

Keep squeezing that accordion. Thank you very much, Our Lady of Spain Accordion

School. Let's see what time it is.

Well, we're almost out of time. Bernard Jean, will you tell us what...

We've had some fun here tonight. You've seen some good entertainment, a good

time. But we're $22 short. And I would like to make a personal plea right now

the teachers out there, teachers that have normal students.

in class and you know the answer, how do you raise your hand?

If you thought something was funny, how would you laugh?

Thank you very much. We need $22.

Barbarino, please come in here.

Barbarino, what did we learn yesterday?

What?

What did we learn the day before yesterday?

What?

lady on the phone who says that she'll send in the $22 if you will sing like

used to when you were a little boy.

She says you know the song.

Mom, how did you do this to me, Mom?

Dave, your mother is waiting.

I'm not going to do it.

you know? So he went to a psychiatrist.

So the psychiatrist said, Mr. Cotter, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're

schizophrenic. Uh -oh.

What did Uncle Ben say?

Uncle Ben said, thank you very much. How much do I owe you?

Psychiatrist says, you owe me $100.

Uncle Ben gives him $50.

Psychiatrist says, where's the other $50?

Uncle Ben says, get it from the other guy.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

Yeah, we tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Welcome back. Welcome

back. Because we got him on the spot.