Original subtitles

What's the matter, Julie? Who was that? It was a crank call.

I don't know why kids have to make crank calls.

Did you ever do that?

Just once.

I was about 11.

We called up a butcher.

We said, hello, is this the butcher?

He said, yes, it is.

We said, do you have pig's feet?

He said, we certainly do.

I said, well, where do you buy your shoes?

Welcome back, colleagues. We're recording live before 3 o 'clock.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back

Mr. Woodman, uh, mixing these two classes, do you really think that that's

right thing to do? This flu epidemic has hit us hard, Carter.

Miss Fishbeck, half my other teachers, out sick.

I've got to combine what's left of her academically enriched class with your,

uh, sweat hogs.

I don't know, Mr. Woodman, mixing Miss Fishbeck's class with the sweat hogs,

it's like mixing strawberries and mustard.

What's the matter with strawberries and mustard? I eat it every day.

What is he doing?

He was just pretending to play the bass.

Isn't there some other way, Mr. Woodman?

He was just pretending. They do a lot of pretending in that class.

They pretend to be students. He pretends to be a teacher.

MC, where you going? What's the matter?

You going flying?

No, you're not? You're sick of flying?

Your stomach is flying.

Flu. You just flew in from Vegas and boy is your stomach tired.

No. Oh, you're sick. You got the flu.

Yeah.

Flu.

epidemic is a crisis cutter.

You remember what General Patton used to say?

Sure I do. He said, school is hell.

No, he didn't say that. He said, when the going gets tough, the tough get

What's the matter, Mr. Woodman?

You got the flu?

As you see, Miss Fishbeck is out with the flu, so some of her students will be

joining us. Let's give them a nice, warm, sweetheart welcome.

Hey, yo,

Mr. Kitev.

If they're academically enriched, then what is we?

Unenriched.

No, you're dumb.

Take one end of a rubber hose and put it in your mouth.

And then you take the other and you put it up your nose.

And then you blow till your brains fall out.

Hey, Vinny.

Vinny, when are you going to change the oil in your hair?

Hey, hey, hey, Judy.

You know how you can lose ten ugly pounds in a hurry?

Have your hair...

Boy, we have a lot more casualties. Arnold is absent.

Yeah, I don't think Arnold's absent the whole time I've known him.

Yeah, you know, he never gets sick.

I guess it's probably because no germ would want to live in his body.

Arnold, will you take that mask off so

we can understand what you're saying?

All I said was...

Nice to be safe, but you can carry flu prevention a little bit too far.

You know, Mr. Carter, you're not looking so hot yourself.

How would you like some vitamins?

These are to make your complexion pretty.

These are to strengthen your teeth and your nails.

And these are to make you friskier with the missus.

of those pills do I take to make you sit down?

Oh, Mr.

Carter. Go ahead, go ahead.

Yesterday, we were talking about world economics.

Now, the economics of the world greatly changed with the discovery of the new

world. Now, who was the first explorer to chart the North American coastline?

Amerigo Vespucci.

You made that up.

Amerigo Vespucci.

You mean you don't know who Amerigo Vespucci was?

Of course I know who he was.

That was Chef Boyardee's maiden name.

Okay.

Now one of the most important trade routes of the new world.

Maybe the most important was the Mississippi River. Now, who discovered

Mississippi River?

Judy.

DeSoto!

DeSoto! That was the name of my father's first taxi cab, DeSoto!

All right.

I'm going to ask you a very simple question.

Something we all know because we all learned it in...

Three names of Columbus's three ships.

Oh,

I used to know that.

Me? Me? I know.

Freddy, come on. What is it? Freddy. All right.

Okay. You want to know the three names of Columbus's three ships, right? Okay.

I'm going to give it to you.

Um.

Nina?

Nina, right?

The 10th.

that I would like to share with the class.

It's about Lewis and Clark.

Al Lewis and Willie Clark.

The Sunshine Boys. I've seen that movie many times.

Oh, Mr. Carter, please.

Do your George Burns.

All right.

I remember the week I was working at the Tivoli Theater in Poughkeepsie, New

York.

Was on a split bill, and the other act was a young lady named Trixie Hicks.

Terrific act. She used to have the map of England tattooed on her body.

Big finish was she would show the audience the White Cliffs of Dover.

Mr. Carter, we're here to learn.

Miss Fishbeck doesn't do impressions.

Yeah. All she ever does is tug at a girdle.

to explore the newly acquired territory known as the Louisiana Purchase.

They also had an Indian woman with them who acted as a guide. Her name was

Sacagawea, and she was fascinating.

I could talk about her for hours because she was the first woman in history...

Judy, Judy, Judy!

Give it to me later, all right?

All right!

Homework! Homework! Mr. Cotty forgot to get some homework. Right, right, right,

right. Homework tomorrow once you answer the questions in the back of Chapter 6.

For tomorrow, mañana.

Hey, Todd.

Yeah. Can I talk to you for a minute?

Todd. Yeah.

You don't understand.

You see, when he forgets to give us homework, you're not supposed to remind

See? Comprendo?

Domo?

See, Freddy, if I may.

Todd, on behalf of all the sweathearts present,

I would like to welcome you to our class.

Oh, thanks, Arnold.

What are you doing? Oh, by the way, Todd, you know that gook

that they scrape from the bottom of the barrel?

That's you, Todd.

All right, all right, all right.

Come on. Let's cut this out, all right? We'll be together for a few days, maybe,

and we're all here for the same thing, to learn.

You know what I learned today, Mr. Carter? I'll tell you what I learned

learned that I don't know nothing.

No, Vinnie, you don't know anything.

See?

All right, look.

Learning is like anything else. People just don't all do it at the same pace.

It's like the stomach.

Some people get it.

Some people don't get it.

I think I got it.

Julie.

What's the matter?

I have a zero temperature.

I think you're probably just reading it wrong.

this, you died three days ago.

How do you feel, honey?

You know that gook that they scrape from the bottom of the barrel?

Why don't you just come on and get back in bed?

I can't.

I gotta go to school. I cannot leave my kids alone with this fishbecks class.

I mean, they're starting to feel inadequate already.

If I don't show up, they'll probably just stop trying to learn.

Besides, uh, they'll put them with Mr. Millman's metal shop if I'm not there.

So?

Those kids alone in the metal shop class, they'll build a tank.

Honey, you are crazy.

I know.

That's what makes this marriage work.

All right.

What do you want me to make you for breakfast?

Don't talk about that. Don't mention that word.

Well, do you want me to pack you a lunch? Lou, do not talk about food,

No food.

Honey, you cannot go an entire day without eating.

I know that. That's why I'm going to make myself a nice sandwich.

I got a nice sandwich that I'm going to make.

A couple pieces of bread.

Then you put on some anisin.

Some Pepto -Bismol.

Then you get some milk and magnesia.

And you got a nice medicine sandwich.

And then for dessert, you can get some nasal spray. Oh, good.

I'll feel good, Julie.

Nice to see the bright smiling backs of your heads.

You were looking very chipper yourself this morning, Mr. Carter.

Look,

Carter, you don't need us no more. You finally got some smart kids you can

teach, so why don't you just pretend we ain't here, okay?

Oh, little babies got their feelings hurt.

So they're going to do the, oh, we're not going to face Mr. Carter routine,

right?

in the sand and be sweat ostriches routine.

It's going to be the old... That's enough. Come on. Turn those chairs

To the first day of school. It's like we haven't learned anything.

No.

Now we're back to the first day of school.

This is nice, huh?

This is the way for high school students to act.

Throwing paper airplanes at their teacher.

Well, I won't stand for it.

I got a note explaining my absenteeism.

Dear Mr. Carter, please excuse Juan's absence.

Aren't you going to read along?

Please excuse Juan's absence. He was home sick with a stomach flu.

Sincerely, Mrs. Epstein.

Fine.

It's okay, Juan. Your excuse is perfectly legitimate.

I know.

That's the problem.

It's the first legit excuse I've turned in in 11 years.

Me.

Juan Epstein, the flim -flam man of Buchanan High School.

A legit excuse.

What's the world coming to?

How are you feeling, Juan?

Better, Horshack.

Good.

Hey, Juan, I didn't finish my lunch yesterday. You want half a liverwurst

sandwich?

you empty the school out.

All right, yesterday, you were supposed to answer the questions in the back of

chapter six.

Will everyone please take out their homework?

Now, Mr. Vincent Barbarino, I don't see any homework.

All right, so I didn't do my homework.

So excuse me for living.

How about you, Arnold? Did you do your homework?

If Vinnie did not do his homework, then the chances is very great that I didn't

do mine.

What about you, Freddie?

Well, you see, uh... Hi there.

Hi there.

Homework. Oh, homework. You see, well, I don't happen to have my homework right

here handy.

Did you do your homework?

I did mine, Mr. Cotter.

Thank you, Todd.

My homework's right here, too, Mr. Cotter. It's tight.

It's replicant.

Naturally.

Hey, yo, Mr. Cotter.

Why do you need our homework, folks?

They got all the answers.

Yeah.

What we got is a lot of questions.

I don't want you to stop asking questions.

As in questions is how you learn. You can't just quit.

What would happen if George Washington quit, huh?

If Abraham Lincoln quit?

What would happen if Murray Kornfeld quit?

I never heard of no Murray Kornfeld.

You know why you never heard of him? Because he quit.

Now, you want to know why Miss Fishbeck's class knows all the answers?

No.

the answers because they learn they study because school is important to

you can know all the answers too all you have to do is study i gotta disagree

with that mr cotter i tried it it don't work i once opened up a

book and i studied it i mean study no fooling

around 15 solid minutes

Look, you can learn anything you want, but that's the key word. You have to

to. Now, you people know things that they don't know.

Sure, they would.

Like what?

Okay, I'll prove it to you. You've heard of the college bowl?

Well, it's time to play the cotter bowl.

Okay, first question.

Judy, who's the all -time leading rebounder in the NBA?

date with another girl at nine o 'clock one is a blonde one is a brunette now

how can you keep both dates without letting either one know about the other

take that todd fishbecks well who would want to go out with two girls in the

same night anyway margarino sweat hogs

simple all right you got the blonde right you tell

her to meet you at coney island on the boardwalk right then you tell the

brunette to meet your Coney Island under the boardwalk, right?

And then you spend a whole night going up and down, up and down.

Correct!

Excuse me, Mr. Carter, but don't I know nothing?

Or am I the proverbial village shmendrick?

Next question is a 25 -point toss -up. First one to answer it.

Okay, who were the stars of the musical movie?

I'm searching for my Shanghai, Lil.

I was pretty sick last week.

And as I lay in my bed, I had a lot of time to think.

About my life and the mistakes I made.

And, Carter, there's something I want to tell you.

Yes, Mr. Woodman?

I still don't like you.

Well, since I am a teacher and you are a student, there is no reason to waste a

day. I don't think we should start anything new with everybody absent.

Let's just review some of the old stuff.

So sure, go ahead, go ahead.

Okay, on the Lewis and Clark expedition, who was the Indian guide?

Boris was in this country for five years, and he wanted to be a citizen

than anything in the world. So he went up to the judge to take a citizenship

test. He said, Judge, I know everything about this country. I know from George

Washington, Abraham Lincoln, the Declaration of Independence. I know the

Emancipation Proclamation.

But I don't think you're going to let me be a citizen because I don't speak good

English. Well, what did the judge say?

The judge said, don't you worry.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead you?

Who'd have thought they'd lead you? Back here where we need you. Back here.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Yeah, we tease him a lot. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Because we got him on the spot. Welcome

back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.