Original subtitles

Julie, did I ever tell you about my uncle Sylvester, who was a real nut?

No. What did he do?

He went into a psychiatrist's office and he said, Doc, you gotta help me. I

think I'm a dog.

The doctor said, how long have you had this feeling?

He says, ever since I've been a puppy.

Welcome back, Cotter. It's recorded live before 3 .01.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead you?

Who'd have thought they'd lead you? Back here where we need you. Back here.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Honey, go into the door. Go ahead. Go ahead, baby.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Horschak again.

He's here for breakfast. This is the third time this week.

Well, I look at it this way, honey. Seeing Arne Horschak at breakfast

the shock of seeing him in school.

Gabe, this is ridiculous.

These kids are in and out of this apartment day and night.

I never bothered you before. Why this sudden change of heart?

Because we don't have any private life anymore.

I really think that we should talk about it. Okay.

I'm all ears.

Here's an ear, and here's another ear.

This ear is yours, which incidentally is how the phrase London Ear got started.

Gabe, be serious.

Wherever we are, there's a little sweat hog between us.

Not true, Julie. There was no sweat hog between us last night.

What are you talking to me?

Look, I thought you were happy.

I'm happy.

Of course you're happy.

Why shouldn't you be happy? You are leading a terrific life.

But what life am I leading?

I'm leading your life and I can't even lead your life because your life already

has a leader, you.

So what does that make me, Gabe? Nothing. I am nothing.

All right, you want to be nothing?

Be a quiet nothing, okay?

I don't watch that because my students... And he can have breakfast in

if I want him to.

Come on in out of the cold, Arnold. Come on.

Arnold, are you okay?

What's the matter with your face?

I think my face is frozen.

I can't feel my face. Mr. Carter, I can't feel my face!

Arnold, I got bad news for you.

I want you to enjoy this breakfast.

I think it's going to be your last one.

Breakfast? Hey, I didn't come here for breakfast.

I just come by on my way to school to say hello.

So, hello.

But breakfast, no.

I couldn't eat a thing. Well, I mean, I could, but no. No, no, no. Get it out of

your mind. I couldn't eat a thing. No, no, no.

I want you to listen closely, Arnold, because I am never, ever going to say

again.

Arnold, what would you like for breakfast?

Oh, Mrs. Carter.

I am not a picky eater.

I'll just have two eggs, two wall beef patties, special sauce lettuce, two

pickles, and... And as for mine, you can hold the pickles, hold the lettuce...

is let her make it.

Okay, now today I want to talk about something that's not in our lesson plan.

Leadership. Now, how do we pick our leaders?

Ah.

In this great land of ours, we pick our leaders through the democratic process.

They are elected.

wasn't elected.

Well, that's a special case, see? He was the only one in Washington at the time

who wasn't under arrest.

All right, all right.

Now, we have a leader in this class,

Vinnie Barbarino.

Then, of course, there is the loyal opposition, Vinnie Barbarino.

I like Vinnie.

You're the leader of the sweat hogs. right?

Am I the leader of the sweat hogs?

Is the bear Catholic?

Does the Pope live in the woods?

Who made you leader?

Yeah, I mean, if it was democratic, you would vote on it.

Now, that's a good idea.

Bad idea.

Bad. Hey, Vinnie, why not?

You're a shoo -in. Nobody challenges Vinnie Barbarino. Why not?

Mr. Carter, we're here to learn. Come on, everybody, open up these books and

let's start.

All right, let's just see.

Is there anybody here who'd like to challenge King Barbarino?

Uh -oh.

Hi there.

Yeah.

I'll take a shot at it. Yay.

All right, we're ready for the runoff. What's a runoff?

That's when you say, Ma, I'll be back in a couple of days, and then you run off.

Okay, we shall do this the democratic way.

Let's see a show of hands.

One of these days.

Okay, all those who support the candidacy of our present leader, Mr.

Barbarino, raise your hand.

Okay, all those who would like to install...

of Washington, raise your hands.

All right, that's five foot.

It's a tie.

Somebody did not...

It's time we got some new blood. Hey, baby.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Frederick Boom Boom.

New blood.

What are you going to do? You're going to just stand there? Say something.

Vinnie, I mean, I'm happy for Freddy. I'm sorry for you.

What can I say?

Say I'm leader again.

I can't do that.

Well, never mind. Then I'll say it. Hey.

What say after school we go down to Coney Island, right? They got this great

ride. This little guy with no neck. He throws you around until you can't stand

him no more.

So what do you want to do today, Freddy?

I think we should all go down to Times Square and watch the pigeons drop their

regards on Broadway.

guy's saying you see vincent

it's it's rather like that old saying the king he

dead

dropping out of school. Hey!

What do you say later we go out behind the barn?

That'd be nice, considering that when old Tex left home this morning, he

even bother to wake me up to kiss me goodbye.

Oh, I'm sorry, I plumb forgot.

I didn't even kiss my horse goodbye.

Honey, I've been worried about Barbarino.

Gabe, can't we ever talk about anything but your job?

Julie, Barbarino's quit school. I don't think you understand.

I understand.

All right, what do you want to talk about?

Art? Politics?

Donny Osmond's love life?

Hey, shalom, amigo. We got to talk about some business, you know? Mr.

Cocktail.

As new leader, I worked out a list of ways to improve the image of the

sweetheart.

First, we start a rumor that we're all smart.

Second,

secondly, I'm very busy right now. Ah, come on, you don't look busy.

Yeah, well, I am busy. I'm very busy.

Well, Mr. Carter, look, you want us to skip out?

You just say the word.

Skip out.

Washington wants to give it that beach look.

What have you been teaching your people, Carter?

Leadership. Leadership?

I used to teach leadership, Carter, and it's not palm trees.

Leadership is knowing that behind every door there's somebody waiting to get

you.

Do you know, Julie, that Mr. Woodman is the only man that Will Rogers ever

punched in the mouth?

We have to talk. Let me see.

How's lunch? Are we from Thursday?

Julie, who's the joke?

Not funny, Gabe.

No? Well, how's this one?

This very old wrinkled turtle marries a woman. You see?

Absolutely everything is a joke to you, isn't it? We can never just talk.

Food!

Oh, joy!

Oh, rapture! Oh, shoot.

So, what's the matter, Mr. Carter?

So you look distracted.

You're home, Mr. Carter!

Did you say something, Arnold?

I guess not.

Yeah, sit down.

You know, he's a priest.

I talked to my folks.

I told them I dropped out of school, and my father said to my mother, he said,

see, Margie, I told you we shouldn't have had him.

And then, bing, bang, bang, they kicked me out.

Wow.

Hey, I'm really sorry, Vinnie.

Look, why don't you come back to school, and I'll talk to your father, and I'm

sure he'll take you back.

Oh, no.

I couldn't do that. I couldn't face the guys. I'm a being leader no more. I

couldn't do it.

Vinny, what are you going to do?

Oh, look, it's not your problem. I mean, I don't feel it's your fault, even

though most of it is.

Look, the thing is, I need a place to stay until I get relocated.

Vinny, I can't.

I am not running a home for wayward priests.

I can't. I just can't. Mr. Kyle, he was my teacher.

I can't, Vinny.

Mr. Carter, you was my friend.

I'm really sorry.

Mr. Carter, you was the last one on my list.

Hey, Mr. Carter, we're going to start class yet. You forget a what?

Hi, Vinnie.

You wasn't supposed to recognize me.

Why not, Vinnie?

I know you're Catholic.

should have known that.

I guess you get real stupid once you're not leader no more.

Oh, Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie.

Hey, listen, it's okay. I'll still be your friend.

It doesn't bother me that you're not no leader no more.

I don't anymore.

That too?

Vinnie, I don't care that you're a high school dropout and that you'll never

make more than $2 .50 an hour.

Remember, life is a cabaret.

Old chum, come to the cabaret.

Did you see that?

Arnold Torshek, he put me down. Arnold Torshek.

So why don't you stick up for yourself, Vinnie? Why don't you give him one of

your usual up your nose with a rubber hose?

I tried, but I couldn't do it.

It was like the rubber hose was stuck in my throat.

I couldn't say it.

All right, all right, Vinny, Vinny.

Vinny, take it easy, all right? Look, we got to talk about this.

You can stay with us, but just for the night. How about a week?

Two days.

Five days.

Three days and you get lunch.

All right, you got yourself a deal.

You're not going to regret it, I promise you. All right, all right.

Oh, boy.

But I just wanted to tell you that you were right.

We don't have enough private life. And I promise, baby, from now on we will.

Flowers and some candy.

Thank you, honey.

And we'll be able to start our truly terrific stay -at -home, play -at -home

private life as soon as Vinnie leaves.

Barbarino. Tall guy.

Dimple.

Vinnie Barbarino is coming here.

Look, Julie, his father threw him out of the house. I mean, he came to me. What

was I going to do?

on like a maniac.

I am going to remain calm.

I'm not going to say that, Julie.

I'm just going to try and make you understand.

Vinny has quit school and it's partially my fault, okay? And I cannot turn my

back on him. Just how much are you supposed to do for those kids?

You're their brother, their father, their friend, their teacher.

You're Arnold Horschak's mother.

It makes me feel right at home, really.

Okay, Gabe.

Make a choice. Who stays?

Me or him?

It's you, baby.

Oh, it's you?

Can't we let Vinny stay for a couple of days?

Oh, Mr. Carter, look, maybe I should make myself scarce while you two

have this out.

Oh, but a word of advice.

I have found that in stormy times like this, it helps if you tell her she was

the first.

They need to stay here. I'll give them money. I'll go to a hotel. Okay, come

All right, Julie, now you got me angry. Every person has a breaking point, and I

reached it. You unpack that bag right now, because I want to talk to you.

Let me tell you about my aunt. I don't want to hear your

joke, Gabe.

I'm going to a hotel. I'll pick up the rest of my things while you're in

which is all the time.

Well, you see, this has to do with moving. You see, they moved and she went

see the new neighbors and she came back and she told my Uncle Herb, Hey, Herb,

that guy next door makes love to his wife all day long. Why don't you do

Goodbye, Mr.

Cotter.

Julie!

Julie!

He makes love to his wife all day long. Why don't you do that?

Well, what did he say, Gabe?

He said, I can't.

I hardly know that woman.

Here are some scenes from part two of our story, which will continue on the

Welcome Back, Cotter.

Hi,

Julie.

What's new?

Went to see a lawyer?

My cousin, Bernie, the lawyer?

You know, Freddie, I feel you are becoming a real schmendrick.

I miss Barbarina. You people here have caused friction between me and my wife.

From now on, there will be no jokes or no impressions in this classroom. I will

teach. You will learn.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot.

Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Cause we got him on the spot.