Original subtitles

Julie, I gotta go. I'm late.

Goodbye, honey. I'll see you later. See you later.

Okay.

Julie, did I tell you about my Uncle Bernie?

Uh,

I thought you were late.

Yeah, well, that's the whole thing. You see, my Uncle Bernie was always late.

Well, why was he always late? Because my Aunt Helene would drive him crazy.

Whatever he would do, she would say, Bernie!

Bernie, you give me so much heartache. You know what I'm going to do, Bernie?

I'll dance on your grave, Bernie. Listen to me, Bernie.

I'll dance on your grave.

And what did Bernie say to that?

I'm going to be buried at sea. Let her dance.

Welcome back. Patter is recorded live before a studio audience.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Here where

we need ya.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

My informant's talking. Oh, Captain Ahab.

You're looking for Moby Dick. He went that -a -way.

Connor, I am dressed like this because... Because I'm singing in the

Singing in the rain. Come on, Connor. I've got a glorious feeling.

I'm happy.

I'm smiling at the clouds.

So high up above.

Come on, Connor.

That's not entertainment, Connor.

I'm dressed like this because my informers tell me the sweat hogs are

food fight in the cafeteria.

You remember the last cafeteria riot?

It took me weeks to get the goulash out of my socks.

Look, Mr. Woman, believe me, my kids would not plan a food fight without

me first.

Hey, shalom, amigo.

Mr. Woodman, let me handle this, okay? Well, you'd better, Cutter.

Because if you don't, I won't even let you collect unemployment.

I'll tell them you never worked here.

You're wearing a green plastic bag I'm disguised as a green bean

into the sauce.

Okay, why didn't you tell me that today was going to be dress -up day?

I mean, I could have painted graffiti on my suit and come as a subway train.

You joke, Mr. Carter.

We are fighting against something that truly grievously disturbs us.

Yeah, we protest in liver.

Anybody's liver in particular?

every Wednesday.

That's right. Yeah, so what we're going to do is, see, we're going to troll food

around the cafeteria until they treat our wishes with a little respect.

We've got a dynamite plan.

First, everything here is going to throw the first handful of weenies and beans.

Washington is then going to dump his cottage teas in the cash register.

Well, horse eggs start sticking chicken.

Yeah, we'll punch them into pot roast.

We'll kick them in the corned beef.

We'll mash them into meatballs.

Right, right, right, uh, Willis Sprout.

Before you ruin your clothes or whatever clothes you happen to be wearing, have

you ever thought of making your feelings known in a civilized manner?

Like, for instance, writing a petition?

Hey, man, petitions don't do no good.

Sure they do.

You just write out what you want.

No liver.

And then you all sign it.

And then we can send it to Santa Claus and care of the North Pole.

Hey, listen, all throughout history, people have peacefully demonstrated for

what they believed in.

You all have a chance to become part of a great moment in sweat hog history.

our forefathers had taxation without representation.

We sweat hogs have liver on Wednesday.

We are the people. We are committed.

We shall be heard and we shall not.

went this high. Come on. Get your signatures up. Got it.

You know, it really would be funny if I told the unemployment office you never

worked here.

Oh, yeah, that would be funny.

But not as funny as this.

That's not funny, ha -ha, Carter. That's funny strange.

What's happening with the food fight?

Oh, Mr. Woodman, you will be happy to know that we have decided against the

fight. We sweat hogs are going to work through the system.

What system, Connor? There's only one system here.

You're free to do as you're told.

Mr. Woodman, cast your eyes on our petition.

Soon, every sweat hog signature will be up on that board.

Forget it, Connor.

Who's this Hancock kid?

We all have to eat this swill. I have to eat it.

You have to eat it.

And if I die...

I'm taking every one of you with me.

I am becoming a funny guy.

Hey, all right, all right. So our petition failed.

Are we going to let that stop us?

Yes.

I'll tell you one thing. It didn't stop Bonzo Moretti.

Who, you ask, was Bonzo Moretti?

Since you're so interested, I'll tell you who Bonzo Moretti was.

Bonzo Moretti was the kid I went to school with.

Now, when Bonzo had emotions, feelings, he let them be known.

Like, one time he thought there should be a stoplight in the street. We played

stickball. And just to let the city know we meant business, Bonzo sat right down

in the middle of the street until something was done about it.

Well, is there a stoplight there now?

No stoplight, but there is a plaque right on the spot where the truck ran

Bonzo.

you want us to sit and wait here until the truck runs over us.

Now, if we sit in over here, Woodman will see that you're committed, that you

mean business, that you're willing to stand up for what you believe in. He'll

also see that I think I sat on somebody's gum.

It's okay, Mr. Cutter. I'll wait you all the way.

Yeah, I'm coming.

Hey, look, Mr. Carter, it's been about an hour and a half since school got out,

right? I mean, you think that they know we mean business yet?

Nobody even knows we in here.

Man, we're the only people know we having a hit in.

Huh? Don't be so sure of that, Freddie.

Hey, he's come to cancel the level. That's it. All right.

The drill of victory.

What victory? You didn't win anything.

agony of the thieves.

Hey, we didn't win, Mr. Carter.

What win?

Mr. Woodman, we have been sitting in against liver, and I'm warning you, we

determined. We will stay here all night if necessary.

Right, gang?

Right, gang?

Have you lost your marble, Mr. Carter?

Yeah, I distinctly heard the sound of marbles dropping.

As far as I'm concerned, you can stay here as long as you want.

This will be one night the city can rest easy.

I'm warning you, Mr. Woodman, we are committed.

Well, if you aren't committed, Carter, you ought to be.

I am really becoming a funny guy.

I think someone's been spiking his prune juice.

Look, it's 4 .30. School's over. We got to go.

All right.

You want to leave? Leave.

Wait just a second.

Just a second.

I just want to tell you one thing, okay?

Suppose our founding fathers would have felt the way you guys felt. Been willing

to cop out, huh?

I mean, they believed in something.

They were willing to stand for what they believed in. You know what they used to

do? They used to gather every night at the Valley Forge Ramada Inn.

They'd sing songs.

Songs that made this country great. Songs that made us free.

Songs that you can believe in.

Songs like...

Bicentennial Minute has been brought to you by S -H -E -L.

Students happy to end liver.

The beer.

No

bottles

of beer on the wall. No bottles of beer.

If one of them bottles happened to fall, one bottle of beer on the wall. Okay,

okay. I finally got a hold of everybody's parents, and for some

they're not upset that you won't be home tonight.

How you doing, boss?

What? That's pretty good, huh, boss?

Mr. Ravelli.

If you keep walking, you're going to fall all the way through to China.

Hey, I've never been to China, boss. What's it like?

China? Well, it's a lot like Cleveland.

Only in China, there's less Chinese restaurants.

Hey, that's pretty good, boss. But I've got to keep moving, boss. I think I've

got hydrophobia.

That's claustrophobia.

You only get hydrophobia if you bite somebody.

Have you bitten anybody lately?

Oh, you know how it is in China, boss. You bite somebody, two hours later you

want to bite them again.

That's ridiculous.

Reasoner.

Reasoner. I wish I had a good reasoner for being here.

Reasoner. Hey, boss, I think he's delirious.

Reasoner?

Harry Reasoner.

Oh, you always have supper with Harry Reasoner.

Lest we forget, we cannot leave.

Oh, look, we'll just sit out for a couple of minutes, grab some burgers,

sit right back in, all right?

Save a place for us, okay? It is very important that we stay here. It's not

hard. People have gone without food for days.

And died right after.

Hi, everybody.

Julie! Julie, what are you doing here? Hi.

There is plenty here for everybody.

I have brought my famous tuna casserole.

You will appreciate it when you're a little bit hungrier.

Julie, about a thousand years ago, there was a great famine in Europe.

If you asked those people at that time when they were starving to choose

death, and your tuna casserole, 98 % would have chosen death.

I also brought blankets to keep us warm and toasty tonight.

Julie, this is not a love -in.

This is a sit -in.

I know the difference. In case you had forgotten, I used to organize sit -ins.

Okay, we're all going to be here for a while, so let's entertain ourselves.

Sit down.

99 bottles of beer on the wall.

There are no more bottles of beer falling off any walls

anywhere. That's it.

It's time to go to sleep. Come on. Betty boy time. Oh, come on.

Let's get the Goyos on that side of the room, and the boys will be on this side

of the room, and we're going to go to sleep because it's late. Come on. Let's

go. I need something to eat. Come on. Come on. Take a blanket. Take a blanket.

Everybody. Come on.

Mr. Carter.

I think we've got a little problem here.

What's the little problem, Vinnie?

Well, you see, I always make it a practice to sleep in the nude.

Go ahead.

You don't think I will, do you?

Well, you're darn lucky it's so cold in here tonight, I'll tell you that.

Hey, Vinnie, where are you going?

Vinnie, this side of the room.

Get over here, Vinnie.

You don't seem to understand something.

I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

Well, you can Vinnie your Barbarino on this side of the room.

All right, everybody got a blanket?

Shut off the lights.

Anybody wants me to leave this hall light on, I will.

We are not babies, Mr. Carter.

Okay, see you tomorrow.

We sleep.

How about Mrs. Carter?

You can't have my teddy either.

Just leave the hall light on.

Okay.

Dear Lord, I know we were really close.

And I think that we were... Hey, Vinnie, is that you praying?

Yeah, so what?

So nothing is cool, man.

Send my regards.

Now, where was I, Lord?

Oh, that's right. Thanks.

Now, I lay me down to sleep.

Arnold Horschak at my feet.

Dear Lord,

please bless my mom and all the girls out there who ain't met you.

Hey, Horshack. Huh?

Tell me something.

You ever think about what God is like?

Oh, yeah.

I think he's short.

And he has a marvelous sense of humor.

And a great laugh.

Hey, God can do anything.

He can?

She can.

Aretha Franklin.

You know, I think God is kind of tough, you know?

But he's fair.

Sort of like John Wayne in a white beard, you know?

All right, pilgrims.

Move those clouds in our circle.

Well, I got my own idea of what God is like.

I know he's a sharp dresser.

And he's good looking.

And of course, he's Italian.

Well, if you ask me, all that stuff about harps is a lot of jive.

God is backed up by a jazz rhythm section.

You got a piano, a bass, a guitar, and a drummer with a good right foot.

Well, I think that God is love.

And if God were here, he would love my tuna casserole.

Hey, Mr. Carter, what's your feelings on this subject?

Well... I think that God is everywhere.

Even in liver?

He's everywhere.

He's in Times Square.

Used to be in Ebbets Field.

Spent a lot of time in Ebbets Field.

He's moonlight in Vermont.

Autumn in New York.

All the standards.

He's everywhere.

With the possible exception of Epstein's Jim Locke.

When they're all asleep like that, they still look like sweat hogs.

Carter.

Carter. You still here?

Mr. Woodman.

We've been here all night.

And we're gonna stay here forever.

Or until Vinnie wakes up, whichever comes first.

Yeah, so what are you gonna do about a liver day now, huh, Mr. Woodman?

Nothing.

I couldn't do anything if I wanted to.

Buchanan's liver contract still has three years to run.

And besides, who cares if a bunch of sweatheads spend the night in the

classroom?

Hello, everybody.

Hi, there.

Hey, what it is?

Hello, Mr. Woodman.

My, but you certainly look robust today.

All right, Ludlow, you're already class president. Stop pushing for my job.

Mr. Cutter, we are the first wave of those who have decided to join your...

Since the real students seem to dislike liver too, I'll see if I can work out a

trade with the principal at New York.

His students are protesting chipped beef.

And why do you taste the chipped beef?

Don't you think we ought to wake up Vinny before we celebrate?

Vinny. Vinny, get up. We're going to celebrate.

Vinny.

Looks like I'm going to have to do what my mother used to do with me.

Go ahead.

Vinny.

Come on, darling.

Come on, it's time to go to school, honey bunch.

Come on, Mama.

Come with us.

All right?

Vinny? Get up, you lazy bum!

What are you gonna do? Sleep your whole life away? Up, up, up?

Mom!

Congratulations, honey.

You won.

Yeah, we won, huh?

We beat him!

We beat Woodman's liver!

Today, Woodman's liver!

Yeah, sure, baby.

Hey, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Jack that was afraid to fly?

No.

Well, he was afraid to fly, so my Aunt Rose thought if she'd take him up in a

plane, he would get over his fear.

So up in the plane, it's one of these old pre -World War II planes, you know,

open and everything, and my Uncle Jack is going crazy. He's saying, oh, we're

going to die, we're going to get killed. Do you know how much money a funeral

costs?

The pilot said, look, Mr. Carter, if you'll please shut up, when we get to

ground, I won't charge you for the flight.

Well, when Uncle Jack hears that, he shuts up. They get to the ground, the

says, I didn't think you could do it, Mr. Carter. Congratulations, the flight

on me.

My uncle Jack says, well, you know, I almost felt like opening my mouth,

especially when Rose fell out of the plane.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back.

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Welcome back, welcome

back. Cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back, welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot.