Original subtitles

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Malcolm, the traveling salesman?

No, why don't you?

One time, Uncle Malcolm is in Duluth.

Checks out of his hotel, he goes to the train, and he noticed he left his

umbrella in the hotel room.

Well, what did he do?

Well, he went back to the hotel, went up to the clerk, he said, I'm Malcolm

Carter, the traveling salesman, and I have left my umbrella in room 923.

Okay. What did the clerk say?

The clerk said, Mr. Carter, we just rented that room to a honeymoon couple.

if you want to go up there and knock on the door, that's up to you.

Well, what did Uncle Malcolm do?

Well, Uncle Malcolm goes up to the hotel room, and he's about to knock on the

door when he hears from inside the room, Whose little eyes are these?

Why, they're yours.

Whose little nose is this?

Why, it's yours.

Whose little neck is this?

Why, it's yours.

And Uncle Malcolm knocks on the door, and he says, Listen, when you get to the

little umbrella, it's mine.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause

got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Continuing unit on The Great Inventors. Today's saga, the story of Thomas Alva

Edison. The Carter Repertory Theater presents a dramatization.

Is Thomas Alva Edison at home?

This is Mrs.

Edison. Who shall I say is calling?

It's the devil.

1876, he shows up, and now it's 1877, he shows up again.

Listen, get lost. I'm inventing the photograph.

I don't need you around here.

I don't care about the photograph.

I don't care about inventing. I don't care.

I don't care.

I'm happy,

go lucky.

Why, some say I'm pucky.

Come on, Tom, forget about inventing. Come out with me.

to a discotheque, see some go -go girls. What do you say?

Get killed with your go -go girls.

I'm inventing a phonograph.

I don't care because if I don't invent it, my Stevie Wonder albums won't be

worth a nickel.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That was very impressive, Mr. Carter.

Yes, yes.

Never in this reviewer's memory has he seen a better classroom dramatization.

I'll give you four stars.

All right, well, we'll see how many stars I give it.

Epstein, who invented the phonograph?

Let's see.

Thomas Alva Edison invented the phonograph, right? In 1877.

Right after he wouldn't go boogieing with the devil. Okay,

now forget about the devil. Thomas Alva...

The board has advised me they'd be happy to see some of your sweat hogs promoted

to regular classes.

I checked the records and I was astonished to see that one of your

made considerable progress and is now deemed promotable.

Welcome to the real world.

Don't sleep through it.

Arnold, quick.

Give me a ooh, ooh, ooh.

It's coming through.

What was that name again?

Horschak. Arnold Horschak. Eh, eh, eh, eh.

Goodbye, gang.

Goodbye, Mr. Carter.

It was great fun, but it was just one of those things.

It's not a mistake. One of my sweat hogs is moving up in the world.

This boy down there is a symbol that Gabe Cotter is succeeding as a teacher.

Arnold, I give you the farewell sweat hog salute.

Up your nose.

Mr. Carter, Pushak won't be able to survive in a real world. I mean, he's

special. You can't put him with real people.

Oh, boy, in my class, I see you guys. Was I homesick?

Homesick? You ain't even been gone yet.

Freddy, you don't know what a regular class is like.

No joke.

And when I do my laugh, you know, the kids won't laugh with me.

They'll laugh at me.

Look, poor Shaq.

Why don't you go talk to Carter about it? You know, like he's pretty good

this kind of thing.

Ebsen, you do not seem to realize that I am Mr.

Carter's symbol of being a good teacher.

If I go to him, he'll think he's a bad teacher. And how can he think he's a bad

teacher if I am a symbol of him being a good teacher?

I ain't never knew you was smart.

Hey, that's it.

Arnold, I got it.

Look, all you got to do to get back in that classroom is to act dumb.

Quick -thinking Vinny.

But I'd rather not have to act dumb.

It's something that's got to come natural, you know?

Arnold. Oh, Arnold, look at me.

It's easy acting dumb.

I know, Vinny.

And you're very good at it.

What?

Of course, Zach. If you ask me, there's only one way out of this thing, right?

You've got to get yourself in trouble. Right.

Now, Vinny, speaking as an expert.

Trouble is the way to go to getting yourself noticed. Right. And for getting

trouble, you have come to the right man, my friend. Now, I can get just you in

trouble, or I can offer the family plan and get your whole family in trouble.

All right, guys.

I hate to break up this reunion, but I think Arnold's got to go and make new

friends with his new classmates.

How?

Just walk up to him, you see.

Hey, I'm Arnold Horschak. Why don't you come up and see my lunchbox?

Hey, don't worry. I've done nothing, you hear? Go get him.

Take care of him.

Has it occurred to any of you that by trying to help poor Shaq, you're hurting

him? You're not giving him a chance to prove himself outside the sweat hogs.

gotta let him try and make new friends.

Something wrong with his old friends?

Yeah. You couldn't give friends like us away.

You got a point there, Epstein.

Look, I mean, if Benjamin Franklin's wife didn't tell him to go fly a kite,

all be standing here in the dark.

Napoleon would be just another short person.

Abe Lincoln wouldn't have been president. There'd be some stranger on a

If you really care about Horschak, I mean, really care about him, you gotta

him go.

Trust me.

Hey, look, I don't want to hurt Horschak, you know.

Yeah, he's our friend.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not going to be the guy that stops Horschak from being

president. I mean, if the people want him.

Hey, hey, I got all the way to my new class when I realized I don't want to

new friends.

So, I'm available.

So, what's everybody planning on doing?

Well, in a couple of minutes, I've got to go over to Ben Franklin Hotel. I'm

going to meet a friend of mine near in the Abe Lincoln room, and I think I'll

have a Napoleon.

Good.

Arnold, Arnold. Oh, see, um... See, Arnold, like, um...

See, I got, um... I got basketball practice.

See, and, like, um... Like, I'm going to see you later.

Check you out later.

But I got to go study.

Well, I guess that leaves you and me, huh, Vinnie?

Yeah, that's right.

Arnold, you wouldn't believe it.

I get this phone call, right?

Bonzo Moretti.

I haven't seen him for years.

He said to me, hey, Vinnie, we got to get together, do some business.

I said, Bonzo, now?

He says, yeah, now.

Bing -a -bang -a -bong.

I'm stuck in a quandary.

I gotta go, Arnold.

I'm sorry.

Well, Arnold, I'm really proud of you, you know? We all are.

You made it out of the sweat hogs.

I'm gonna see you around, huh?

Symbol? Welcome back.

Heath! Send up Heath!

Why are you talking to that radiator?

You know that that radiator doesn't listen.

Why don't you try talking to the oven?

Because the oven is food heat.

The radiator is people heat.

What about if we get together and generate a little body heat?

Oh, that's a terrific idea.

But first, you stop pretending that you're not cold, and you go downstairs

talk to the super.

I'm not cold.

You're the one that's cold. So why don't you go talk to Mr.

Schmieler? You would like me, your wife, to go down to the basement alone.

There are things in the basement.

Large, hairy things.

Well, let's not discuss Mrs. Schmieler.

Look, I do not want to go see Mr. Schmieler. Mr.

Schmieler happens to be a very mean man.

Okay.

Just remember, body heat rests on your decision.

That's blackmail.

You got it.

Blackmail.

how did you know that I would be alone, Arnold?

Oh, see, I'm the one who turned down the heat.

Come on, Arnold, sit down.

Mrs. Carter, I got a favor to axe of you.

Axe, Arnold, axe.

Mrs. Carter, do you think that you could use your multifaceted female charms

to get Mr. Carter to like me again?

Mr. Carter likes you, Arnold.

Arnold, you should be proud.

Just think of the example that you're setting for all the other sweat hogs.

Oh, Mrs.

Carter. See, that's not what they want me or need me for.

See, Vinny.

Vinny needs me so that he can feel important, you know?

And Juan needs me so that he can feel strong.

And Freddy needs me.

I don't know why Freddy needs me.

But you never know when he might need me.

Hey, Mrs. Carter, do you think it's unmanly to cry?

Oh, no, Arnold, of course not.

Am I

crazy?

Or do I see Arnold Horshack nestled to my wife's bosom?

to keep warm, but this is absolutely ridiculous.

Heat's on.

Oh, good.

Excuse me, Arnold. I'm going to go sit on the radiator.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Okay, Mr. Kinky, what's up?

Oh, hey, I just come by to tell you how great things is going for me.

I sure am one happy symbol of good teaching.

Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy.

Oh, by the way, Mrs. Carter, that thing we was talking about? Yes. If you do not

help me, I'm going to throw myself off of the highest mountain in Brooklyn.

And when they find me, if they find me, they'll never know

who I was.

John Doe Horschak.

A Slavic legend in his own time.

that something is bugging him.

What?

Something is bugging him?

The poor kid is miserable, and he is not going to learn anything in that new

class if he doesn't want to be there.

You're right.

Let me put it up. What are you doing?

Halfway. Compromise.

You're right. I was wrong.

Walshack only started to do good because he felt he belonged.

Something's wrong.

It's cold in here.

Yeah. You could freeze off your fandangos.

Okay, well, look, Mr. Carter, we come on a mission of mercy.

Yeah. Man, we want to know if we can stop being mean to Horshack yet.

Yeah, I was thinking about that.

I was wrong.

You guys were right.

Horshack definitely belongs with the sweat hogs.

Don't talk to Mr. Woodman. I'll explain the entire thing to him rationally, and

I'm sure he'll understand.

Hey, hey, Mr.

Cartel, now, you don't believe that, now, do you?

I mean, why don't we sort of con Mr.

Woodman into giving us Horseshack back? You want to con him? Yeah.

What are you going to do, trap him in a motel room with a cheerleader?

Well, you know what we mean, like the way you con us in class, you know, the

you dramatize.

To sneak your point across.

I know.

Yeah, you see, we thought we'd put on a little play for old Woodman, you know?

Sort of convince him to see things our way.

Right this way, Mr.

First Nighter.

Front row center, Mr. First Nighter.

For your comfort, Mr.

First Nighter.

What do you people think you're doing?

This, Mr. Woodman, is a dramatization, a little play. Just pretend you're

spending an evening at the theater.

I hate the theater, Carter.

Last time I went to a play, they robbed my house.

a tree.

Oh, it's me and Bedara.

Where is Horshack?

The little chap who adds a note of laughter to me life.

Look, here comes Horshack now.

Horseshack to lend a helping hand.

But we're just trying to show Mr. Woodman how much we care about you.

Do you guys really mean that?

Hey, look, Horshack, you know, we kid around a lot, right?

But we really missed you.

Yeah.

You know, I never really thought I would miss you, but you're sort of growing a

guy.

Like mold.

Oh, thank you, Freddy.

Hey, I miss you guys so much.

I am truly gratified to learn that you miss me, too.

Oh, Mr.

Woodman, look at me. Look at both of me.

Look at the look on my faces.

Oh, please, Mr. Woodman, give us a break.

Lest you forget, we are a symbol of good teaching.

Yes, and someday they're going to name a wing here at Buchanan after us. They'll

call it...

The Horschak wing.

Stop that slapping.

You're making a draft.

I can't let you back in this classroom. How will you keep your blades up?

I'll help.

Mr. Woodman, if Arnold learned anything to get ahead, he learned it in this

classroom. You want to know why? I'll tell you why.

Because for someone to learn, they got to feel secure.

They have to feel like they belong.

All right, Horschak.

Get back where you belong with Carter's bunch.

Thank you all very

much.

You know, in my other class, every time I made a joke, the teacher said, school

is...

Yeah, you should try Mr. Carter's plants.

Welcome back, Warshacks.

Welcome back.

Hey, did I tell you about the present my cousin Howard gave my Aunt

Bernice for her birthday?

No, why don't you tell me about it?

Well, you know, they're very rich, and my Aunt Bernice has everything, right?

So I figured I'd get something different.

He went to a pet store, and he got my Aunt Bernice a parrot that speaks seven

languages. You know, he goes in, the parrot's there, goes, quack, quack,

quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack,

quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack,

quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack,

quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack,

quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack,

quack, quack, quack,

quack,

quack,

Well, what did she say?

It should have said something.

Welcome back Your dreams were your ticket out

Welcome back

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot.

Cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

We tease him a lot. Welcome back, welcome back. Because we got him on the

Welcome back, welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Because we got him on

spot. Welcome back.