Original subtitles

Hey, Julie, did you ever tell me about the time I was in school and the teacher

asked me who signed the Declaration of Independence?

No. Why don't you tell me?

Okay. I'm in school. The teacher says, Carter, stand up. I stand up. She says,

who signed the Declaration of Independence?

What did you say?

I said, I don't know.

But I know. I didn't sign it.

She says, go home and get your father. Bring him into school the next day.

Okay. Then what happened?

Well, I had to bring my father into school the next day. She said, Mr.

watch this.

Gabe, stand up. I stood up. She said, who signed the Declaration of

Independence?

I said, I don't know, but I know I didn't sign it.

She looks at my father. She says, you see that?

Well, what did your father say?

My father said, if he says he didn't sign it, he didn't sign it.

Welcome back, Patterns. We call it live before a studio audience.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Well,

I guess them igloos are really made out of white rice.

Hey, you know, it must be real murder trying to eat whale with chopsticks, you

know?

Ethnic jokes like that aren't funny. They show a lack of intelligence.

Then let us hear one of your jokes.

Okay. Did you hear about the 500 -pound parrot?

He says, Polly wants a cracker. No.

Do you call that teaching, Carter?

No, I call it a joke.

Spare me, Carter. I just came by to tell you you're getting a new student.

A new sweat hog? That's right, from California.

Out there, they're all sweat hogs. The only difference is a suntan.

Where is this new sweat hog of mine?

She's on her way here. She was just in the nurse's office getting shots.

I wouldn't let a child into this environment without them.

Haven't you ever seen a girl before?

Not that kind.

What am I supposed to be, neck bones and gravy?

Make sure that these sweat hogs behave.

At the end of the day, I'm having her dusted for fingerprints.

Hello. Hi.

What's your first name?

It's Bambi.

call me Sunshine.

Well, let the sunshine in, darling.

What part of California you come from?

The beach.

Hi. I'm Vinnie Barbarino, head sweat hog here.

How do you think I'd go over on the beach?

have your own religion.

Oh, yeah.

Free Washington?

Hi there.

Federico or Boom Boom, I think you're served.

Hey, Boom Boom, it's gonna be difficult for you to kiss anybody's hand with your

lip broken.

Larry, Robert, Joyce, Mrs. Wan.

I am Wan Epstein.

Didn't we live together in another life?

Oh.

Oh.

I would have remembered that.

Oh, he's magic.

Yeah, maybe one day he'll disappear.

Donald Horschak, this is Bambi. Don't talk.

Just feel the vibes.

Oh.

I think I just felt one.

discussing the cultural differences between the Eskimos and the Berbers.

make that California.

Again, good old Brooklyn.

Bambi, why don't you start out by telling us what your typical California

like? Sure.

Go ahead.

Well, I usually roll out of my water bed at 8

to see if the surf's up.

organic raisins and nuts and go to the beach where we swim and play volleyball.

Okay,

Bambi has told us about her typical California day. She gets out of her

waterbed. It's always warm.

She puts on a bikini. She grabs some nuts and she goes swimming.

Now, what are the differences?

Let's see now.

She sleeps on a waterbed.

And I sleep with my brother.

I remember once when I was real little, I slept in a

waterbed.

Hey, look.

That's me and you get together after school.

I'm going to take you water skiing on the East River. Manana.

Hey, Manana.

Hey. Baby.

I'm going to give you a guided tour uptown that ain't in no guidebooks. Dig.

York City on five ribs a day.

How would you like five broken ribs?

Hi,

Bambi. Can I help you with something?

Mr. Cotter, what's your sign?

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Let me guess.

No, no, I'm Aquarius. I just knew it.

I was born on a cusp.

Must have been very painful.

Oh, you're so funny and together, Mr.

Cutter. I mean, your karma is really heavy.

Yeah, well, I'm going to go on a karma diet.

You remind me of my teacher in California.

He let me call him, uh...

Jerry.

Okay, call me Jerry.

You know, Mr.

Whitman said you ought to show me around, and I have no plans after

Well, why don't you have one of the sweat hogs show you around?

They're not groovy like you, and besides, you're so much more mature than

kids.

Um, well, Bambi, those kids... very mature. I think you're making a mistake.

Take Arnold Horschak, for instance.

Once you get past that Roy Rogers lunchbox, he's all man.

I get such good vibes from you.

Oh, these?

Well, I mean, I don't really have good vibes.

In fact, when I was young, my mother had to put braces on my vibes.

My wife calls me Barry Bad Vibes.

You're married?

Yes, I'm married.

Just one. Oh, how boring.

My father's been married five times.

So, uh, what are you doing after school?

I'm gonna just finish erasing a blackboard with my sweater.

Welcome back.

Hi, honey.

Hi. Anything interesting happen today?

No, not much.

You're sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

Had nothing to worry about.

Why?

Oh, nothing.

Just some girl named Sunshine called four times.

Wanted to know if you could go skinny dipping with her.

You have anything to say for yourself?

Yes.

Can I go?

Julie, Sunshine's this new student of mine. from California. She's really

on. You know, schoolgirl crush?

She's a real teeny bopper.

Tell me, just how teeny is this bopper?

She's, I would say, your average bopper.

Mm -hmm.

Look, she's really got a terrific shape, and all the kids in class are climbing

over each other to get next to her, and she's climbing over them to get next to

me.

climbing should get her somewhere.

Julie, I told her I was married.

And that stopped her.

No. No.

She likes a man with a little experience.

Anybody who doesn't have a picture of Trigger on his lunchbox.

Julie, it's just an adolescent flirtation.

Okay.

Why don't you just explain to her that you're too old for her?

Use the old cotter charm.

If nothing else, she'll get a good laugh out of it.

I think you're right. I'll go up to her tomorrow and say, look, I'm too old for

you. I mean, we can't run away together. It just wouldn't work out. Right. I

think she'll understand.

I'll really explain it to her. And if she doesn't, I promise I'll write.

is crept into your life, Epstein.

Oh. What are you doing?

Chanting.

Bambi says that if I chant it, I can get whatever I want.

Bam.

Back to your seat. I mean, we're about to start class.

Ready any time you say, CB.

Listen, we'll have lunch someday, chicky baby.

Just good health in nature's way.

In natural life, raisins, seeds, carrots.

I got the cola nut.

With a side order of ribs, chicken and potato salad, ham hocks, and collard

greens.

And I'll wash it down with some Kool -Aid.

I got left to be 100.

Terrific. You'll still be in 11th grade.

He's a black man.

why don't you float back into your chair?

All right, now.

Yesterday, Bambi said she liked guys from California, and today you're all

Donahue.

Can we start working on social studies?

Anything you say, Gabesy.

All right, look.

Don't call me Gabesy.

call me Gabeson.

You know, when I'm with you, I feel all spacey and

far out weird.

You know, when I'm with you, I feel all far out spacey and weird.

Let's get to work, okay?

I'm your teacher.

My name is Mr. Carter.

You don't have to get all huffy.

I thought you, um, liked me.

Stop! Get back!

Back! Back!

Sit down over there.

Bambi, I went to the administration office this morning and I got your

Seems that you're not from California at all.

You're originally from Lubbock, Texas.

And you cause trouble wherever you go.

Went to school in Wyoming.

You alone caused a small -scale range war between the cattlemen and the

sheepmen.

Mr. Cotter, there are a lot of things my records don't say.

Like what?

Like along with 11 schools came about 11 different relatives I got shuffled

around to. And then there were also a lot of foster homes. Nobody ever cared.

I understand. It hasn't been easy.

What I'm just trying to tell you is that you don't have to put on this big act

to be liked.

I'm only giving them what they want, Gabe V.

It's not what they want. It's not what anybody wants.

Bambi, that's not the way to make friends.

You have all these guys' bananas over you.

What's going to happen, though, in 10 years when you're not 16 anymore?

In 20 years, when you're 36, 40?

You're not so cute anymore.

The friends you're making now are not the kind of friends that last.

While you're swallowing, try to think about what I said.

All right.

I thought about it.

Hi, boys.

Could you get little old me my pencil? I forgot it.

It's your decision to make.

Do you want to cause chaos wherever you go, or do you want to make real friends?

Look,

I've been doing a number on all of you, and I'd like

to apologize for that.

I lied.

I'm not from California.

I'm not from anywhere.

I just wanted you all to like me, and I guess I just

started trouble again.

I'm sorry.

Hey, look, it's not all your fault.

You see, sometimes women have to do dumb things, especially when men start

acting like idiots.

Well, I ain't gonna be eating no more of these organic raisins.

They go right through you.

Better take this towel back to my gym locker.

Second thought, I better take it home and get it washed.

doing with a surfboard in Brooklyn.

I mean, I could have got a terrific tie.

It glows in the dark. It said Italian power.

B &B.

Does this mean I don't got no aura no more?

No, Warren.

You still have your aura.

And it's beautiful.

Maybe your aura can glow in the dark like Vinnie's tie.

Attention, please.

We have a new student here that I'd like to introduce you to from Lubbock,

Texas.

Hello.

My name is Bambi Forrester, and I hope we can all be friends.

Well,

now that we got that out of the way, what do you say we get to social

Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Herbie?

No.

But you probably will.

Okay, my Uncle Herbie likes to drink a lot, right?

He comes home one night, and my aunt Estelle thinks she's going to teach him

lesson. She runs into the closet, puts on his sheet, and starts running around

the bedroom.

She says, You better stop drinking.

You better stop...

married your sister.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

We tease him a lot. Rub him back.

Rub him back. Because we got him on the spot.

Rub him back. Rub him back. Yeah, we tease him a lot because we got him on

spot.