Original subtitles

Why hasn't your mother ever liked me?

She likes you, Julie. It's just she never was crazy about any girls I went

with. They were either too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, too loud,

quiet.

I finally found a girl that was exactly like my mother. I mean, how could she

complain? This girl looked like my mother. She talked like my mother. She

like my mother. Same personality.

Well, what happened?

My father hated her.

Welcome back, Connors, and recorded live on tape before studio audience.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot cause we got him on the spot. Welcome

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Hold it right there, mister.

Me? What have you done with it?

Hey, Mr. Woodman, I'm clean. I ain't got it.

Huh?

Got what, Epstein?

Whatever. He ain't got it.

Hey, look, I'm clean, really. You can search me here.

See, this is all I got on me.

It's my good luck charm.

Had it since birth. It's the first tooth I ever knocked out of anybody.

I'm sick of their taunts.

I'm sick of their contempt. I'm sick of their flaunting my authority. I'm sick

of them!

No doubt about it. The man is sick.

Reminds me of the girls' gym teacher they found in the shower talking to a

volleyball.

Hey, yo, Mr.

Woodman, man, like, you know, the bell just rang. It's time for us to boogie.

Well, then boogie, you pack of howling baboons.

Boogie.

Boogie, boogie, boogie.

Mr. Woodman, are you okay?

I mean, you didn't have too much chipped beef in the cafeteria today.

Forget about the chalk. You don't seem quite yourself.

Connor, I'm more myself than ever.

Well, try being less yourself than ever.

I mean, Mr. Woodman, a person is like a car. We have to be finely tuned.

What are you trying to say, Connor?

Mr. Woodman, you need a lube job.

You've got to relax a little bit. You know, forget about Buchanan.

Why don't you go out, have a few drinks, a nice dinner, some quiet conversation

with friends?

Good advice, Carter.

Thank you.

What time?

What time what?

Well, there was a dinner invitation.

What time shall I be there?

How about August?

And we won't laugh.

I'll bet you hoped I wouldn't come. That's true, isn't it, Carter? I mean,

didn't invite me. I invited myself. If not, I'm here. You'd wish I'd leave,

right?

Well,

it is getting late.

Mr. Woodman, we are delighted that you could come.

Mrs. Carter, don't worry. I'll leave early.

Let me take your coat.

What are you going to do with it?

I'm just going to hang it right here in the closet.

I'll leave the door open so you can keep an eye on it.

At all times.

Gabe, why don't you make us a drink or two or six before dinner?

Good idea.

Come on, Mr. Woodman, I'll fix your screwdriver.

Tighten up what's ever loose.

of faculty members' homes for dinner only twice. The first time was during

War II. They wanted my meat ration points.

The second time was just a few years ago during the tuna fish scare.

We had tuna casserole, and everyone waited for me to taste it first.

What's for dinner?

Tuna casserole.

I made a joke.

So, uh, you actually live here?

No, here, no. We have a townhouse on Park Avenue.

We just borrowed this place from a struggling teacher and his wife when we

wanted to entertain.

I had a place like this once.

Oh? It burned.

That's too bad, Mr. Woodman.

But at least it made it easy for you to move.

Who moved?

I just stayed at the Y till the furniture cooled.

That was a joke.

It was a joke.

Mr. Woodman made a joke.

You know, I'm beginning to relax.

Tell me, Carter, what's troubling you?

Me?

You want to know what's troubling me, Mr. Woodman? Okay, I'm going to tell you

what's troubling me. You.

You're troubling me.

Think I made a fool out of myself in the hall today, don't you?

Well, it wasn't me. Well, I did, Carter. I did.

And over what, huh?

Chalk.

Chalk. Meaningless sticks of compressed dust.

Dollars worth of nothing.

Zero.

difference. You're still going to get dinner.

And I'll even taste it first.

The students like you, you've got rapport, Carter, but what do they think

Well, honestly... I really want to know, Carter.

Well... I mean, tell me. Go ahead, tell me.

Basically... Well, I'll make it easier for you.

I'll start. They think I'm ill -tempered and insensitive and... It's a good

start.

Petty and tyrannical.

Unreasonable. Mean.

Rotten.

Rotten.

Well, that's it, Carter.

I don't have to sit here and be insulted by your wife.

Mr. Woodman, please, I'm so sorry.

Please don't go.

Well, it's, uh, you're right. It's all true. I am rotten.

No, no, you're not rotten. I mean, I would have stopped at Petty and

All you have to do is loosen up a little bit. Just stop and smell the roses.

In Brooklyn?

Well, stop and smell a few winos.

Look, you have to get back to your first love, teaching.

Now, you may have your weaknesses, but, Julie, this man is one terrific history

teacher. You really think so?

The greatest.

Nobody can teach about military history like this man right over here.

Well, I... I guess there was always something about a good war that cheered

up.

I was probably seeing all those people with guns and knowing they're not in

neighborhood.

You know, Gabe's right, Mr. Woodman. You should get back to teaching.

Ridiculous. I wouldn't know where to start. I haven't taught a class in ten

years. Teach my class tomorrow.

Oh, I couldn't. I couldn't. Come on.

They're not going to bite you.

I have been bitten by sweat hogs on many occasions.

They made another joke.

Another joke? The first one was your father was a burning and the second was

bitten by a sweater?

Two jokes in one evening. All right,

I have a surprise for everybody today.

Mr. Woodman has agreed to teach my class.

Him? Him?

Okay,

now I'm going right over here to sit down and I want everybody to think of me

today as just another sweat hawk.

Okay, Carter.

No horseplay.

Sit up straight.

I've still got it.

All right, now, boys and girls, pick out your notebooks and pencils.

What's the matter with you, Carter? You can remember everything? You don't have

to take notes?

You want me to take notes? Yes. Okay, right, I'll take notes.

Porschack.

Porschack, lend me a pencil.

Sorry, no long, V.

Mr. Cotter, I am surprised at you.

Don't you know that you're supposed to come to class with two sharpened pencils

in case one breaks?

You sound like my mother.

Mr. Cotter, there is no need to get surly.

Well, you know, surly to bed, surly to rise.

Today we'll discuss the Revolutionary War.

Now, who can tell me where that war started?

Mr. Washington?

Right.

What's the answer?

Lexington and... Right.

Lexington Avenue.

Probably near 129th Street by that barbecue, man. It's a tough

lot of wars. No, no, no.

the shot heard round the world.

Now, the Redcoats came marching down the road, not suspecting that the

colonists were lying in wait for them.

Carter, get up here and lie in wait for me.

Do you want me to lie in wait in a place special? Well, take cover behind the

hill. Okay, I'm taking cover behind the hill.

All right.

Now, 1775, the scene.

Lexington conquered Massachusetts, and the Redcoats came marching down the

not suspecting that the colonists were lying.

to take command of the colonial army.

Mr. Woodman, I hate to admit it, but that was interesting, really. Yeah,

You know, you look like the guy on The Money.

That was terrific, Mr. Woodman. Mr. Carter doesn't do that many costume

in class.

Well, I'm glad you all enjoyed it. Where do you see the fun we have with World

War II?

Oh, you have that?

It was really great. Really, it was great.

It's a pretty good speech, man.

They love me, Carter.

They love me.

I can see the headlines.

Vice principal wears wig while socks mother student.

I want to thank you for letting me take your class yesterday, and bless you,

Carter.

Mr. Women, don't you think you should take me out a few times first?

Oh.

When you're at that wedding, remember, the cha -cha is different than the

We're on a junior achievement project for the telephone company.

You guys wouldn't happen to know who disconnected the bell, would you? It's

probably the same guy that stuck Todd Ludlow in my gym locker, you know?

Part of the undesirable element here at Buchanan.

Epstein, you are the president of the undesirable element here at Buchanan.

Now go and reconnect that bell.

Never judge by appearances, Carter. Appearances deceive, they delude.

Now... You must learn to trust these children.

Trust is the very foundation of good student -teacher relations.

And remember, Carter, there are no bad boys, just bad teachers.

Run along now, boys. Thank you. Thanks, Mr. Wood.

That's William Claiborne, who settled Maryland, and William Penn, who settled

Pennsylvania. Okay, can anybody tell me who settled New Jersey?

Oh, oh, oh!

Is New Jersey settled?

Arnold, New Jersey's been settled for more than 250 years.

Ha! You've never been to Newark on a Saturday night.

Hey,

all right, come on.

I know you'd rather be watching Mr.

Woodman crash the Boston Tea Party, but some of us are here to learn.

Who?

Sam, let me get some of these names up on the board.

Excuse me, I got a boogie to my desk to get some chalk.

Woodman's Yellow Chalk.

All of Woodman's Yellow Chalk is in my desk.

But we had to put it someplace.

Yeah, and it'd break Uncle Woody's heart if he thought that we took it.

So you want...

Sure, why not?

All right, I want to know who is responsible for taking that chalk and

in my desk.

All right, that's my idea.

I took the chalk.

I opened the desk drawer.

And I stuck the chalk inside it. And I closed the drawer.

You guys really stick together, don't you?

All right, by tomorrow morning, from each and every one of you, I want to...

this. I really don't. It's like the exorcist or something.

I think Woodman has taken over his body.

Hey, Woodman, you in there?

I'm in here by myself, Barbarino.

But what is it, really, Mr. Conner? I mean, ever since we made nice with Uncle

Wood, you've been crawling up our backs.

Hey, that's right, man. What's with you? You jealous of what?

Me jealous of Father Flanagan?

All I know is you've been turning into a real loud.

Conversation with friends?

That is, if you have any left after that disgusting performance.

You know, Carter, you're beginning to sound a little like me before I became a

great guy.

Mr. Woodman, how would you like to go back to being you?

What for?

I mean, I'm happy being not me.

Yeah, but if you're not you, then I can't be me.

And then I gotta be somebody.

So I become you.

How's it feel?

Terrible.

Look, I am a better teacher than I am a disciplinarian. But the school has got

to have a disciplinarian. I know being Mr. Woodland is a rotten job.

But somebody's got to do it.

What's that, Carter?

What? That.

What? The missing yellow chalk.

I don't suppose that you'd be interested in quieting down and conducting a calm,

rational investigation. I am being totally calm.

I am dealing with sweat hogs. And one approaches sweat hogs...

in this task by the...

Mr. Woodman, aren't I?

You certainly are.

You're the worst.

You know, I really missed him.

So did I.

Welcome back, Mr. Woodman.

Wipe that smile off your face, Cutter.

Woodman's back in town.

A guy walks into a bar.

What guy?

Whatever. A guy walks into a bar, orders two martinis.

Right? You with me so far?

Yeah. Somebody I don't know is in a bar and he orders.

Two martinis.

Drinks one martini, pours the second one in his breast pocket.

In his breast pocket, you hear... Orders two more martinis, drinks one, second

one over here, you hear... The bartender looks at this guy funny. I should

imagine.

This guy orders ten martinis, drinks five, the other five in his breast

and you keep hearing... The bartender's getting mad. He says, all right, you

fella, you're a weirdo. Get out of here.

Guy looks at the bartender and says, I don't have to do this, but I am a

citizen, and I pay taxes, and I'm going to punch you right in the nose.

And from his breast pocket, a little mouse peers over the top and goes...

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

Yeah, we tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Welcome back. Welcome

back. Because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot because we got him on

spot. Welcome back.