Original subtitles

Honey, why don't we get a pet?

Hey, you know we're not allowed to have pets in this apartment.

No, I don't mean a dog or a cat.

Why don't we get a bird?

Hey, did you ever take a look at the parrot my Aunt Eileen got?

No.

The only thing a parrot could say was, who is it?

So she brought the parrot home, and she went out to get some parrot food. While

she was gone, the butcher comes to the door, knocks on the door.

Parrot hears the knock and says, who is it?

Butcher says, it's the butcher!

The parrot says, who is it?

The butcher says, it's the butcher. This is a true story.

He says, it's the butcher, the butcher.

The butcher has a heart attack, falls down right in front of the door.

My aunt comes home, sees the butcher there. She says, oh, my God, who is it?

parrot says, it's the butcher.

Welcome back, guys. We're live on tape for Studio A.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who would have thought they'd lead you?

Who would have thought they'd lead you? Back here where we need you. Back here.

Yeah, we tease him a lot, cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

No way, no way, no way.

Hey, here's my man. My man, how'd your big date go Saturday night? Big date,

man. You jive it, man. Who go out with him?

Then he fixed it up. That's right.

Due to my stupefying talent with females of the opposite sex, I managed

to fix up a date with the one, the only, Rosalie Totsie. No, you mean

Hotsie Totsie.

You know,

I remember the time I took... Hotsy out. You're in the movies. Me and Hotsy at

the beach. Right there I am. Wait, wait, wait.

Let the man speak.

Go ahead. Tell us all about you and Hotsy.

Oh, okay.

I borrowed my old man's cab and went to pick her up. Yeah, we'll get to the good

part. Did anything happen?

Oh, right away.

I forgot to turn the taxi sign off and we had to bring six people to the

airport.

Arnold.

Arnold, I want to thank you for last Saturday.

I had a really nice time.

Hey, hot stuff. Come on, baby, shake that cake. Go ahead.

Don't knock it off. You're going to be sorry.

Hey, look, hot seat. I wanted to thank you for being so nice to my friend

here. Ah, you big dump.

Second syllable. Second syllable is hand. It's falling.

A falling hand.

A thing that's falling on the ground.

A bug. A bug. A small bug.

You're going to have a baby, and the father is one of the sweat hogs? Yeah.

Rosalie, so you're going to be mommy.

Who's going to be daddy?

He knows who he is, and he can step forward himself.

Sure, he'll step forward.

Why don't we get involved with these kids?

We haven't talked to them.

I might as well be talking to a stone wall.

I am talking to a stone wall.

Watch this.

You're late.

That's your fourth tardy this semester.

Did you bring a note from your mommy?

stupo jerko and domo now you clowns come on sit down we save the last for

later i have something very serious that i would like to discuss today i would

like to talk about responsibility about you being accountable for your own

actions i'd like to talk about

pretending to be asleep.

No, I'm not, man. I'm sleeping.

I can just tell this is going to be another one of your boring speeches.

Open your eyes, Washington.

I'm going to clap out the erasers on your head.

All right,

forget serious.

I'm going to talk about hoods.

different kinds of hoods.

There is childhood, brotherhood, sisterhood,

Robin Hood, fatherhood.

I got another great idea.

We're going to play a game.

Okay, now a simple game. I'm going to say a word, then I'm going to point to

somebody in the class.

And you say the first word that comes to your head. Right? Simple.

Baby.

Darling.

Sweetheart. Honey, we gotta stop meeting like this.

Responsibility, too.

Go ahead, go ahead.

I'm pregnant.

Rosalie, I didn't know you went to Camp Feldman.

And one of you guys is responsible.

Well, I really would like to go on chatting all day, fellas, but I must

train.

Mr. Conner.

Uh, Rosalie, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, Arnold. Shoot.

Rosalie, are you busy on Saturday?

Why?

You want to get married?

What would I want to do that for?

Because I like you and I want to make you honest.

And I want to give your baby a name.

You know, Horshack's a very old and respected name.

It means the cattle are dying.

That's really sweet of you, Arnold, but I want to marry the father of my baby.

Think about it. At least if you married me, you wouldn't be Hotsy Totsy no more.

I'd be Hotsy Horseshack.

Rosalie, can you meet me here after your last class? I'd like you to come home

with me tonight.

Sure.

And you can call me Hotsy.

See ya.

I don't know where Julie is. She's supposed to be home by now. I mean, she

should be here any minute.

Oh, relax.

Be a guest.

This is my apartment.

I figured.

That's my window.

sit down here on your couch.

That's my table.

It's the carpet on the floor there.

Look, Mr.

Carter, you don't have to feel uncomfortable.

I understand what you're trying to do.

I know how hard it is for...

A person of the older generation to cope with sex.

And I really want to thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Julie, you've heard me speak of Rosalie Totsie?

Sure. Nice to meet you, Hotsie.

Rosalie, why don't you listen to some music, huh?

Here, you're playing for takeoff.

Julie, I'm glad you came in when you did because just... Oh, the lipstick?

Yeah.

That was really funny. That was hysterical.

Well,

it was like a gratitude type of kiss.

She was basically, what she was doing was thanking me because she's going to

have a baby.

She won't, uh... Julie, you don't believe it.

Oh, no.

Did you just keep on talking?

Julie, Rosalie's gonna have a baby, and the father's one of the boys in my

class, and she won't tell me who it is. So I brought her here so you could do me

a favor and find out.

Come on, Julie. You gotta help me. I don't know what else to do.

Why don't you talk to her parents?

Because she trusts me not to.

She says her parents would kill her.

Especially her father.

Reverend Totsie.

Let us reminisce for a while.

Return with me now to those thrilling days of yesteryear.

Last yesteryear, my last birthday, when you didn't have money to buy me a

present. So what did you do?

Well, instead, you gave me this.

This card entitled, The Bearer to One Giant Favor.

Happy birthday, love, Julie.

Aren't I cute?

I guess I'll just leave you two alone to talk. I'll take out the garbage.

I already took out the garbage.

I'll make new garbage.

Rosalie, I'll be back in a minute.

I'm going to take out the garbage.

It's our window.

I've already been through this with your husband. I've seen it all, Mrs. Conner.

Look, Rosalie, my husband told me about your problem.

In this day and age, how did you ever get yourself in such a mess?

What I mean is... Haven't you ever heard of family planning?

You can't plan a family in a 57 Chevy.

Pregnant.

No, I'm looking for a number.

Two months, three, four?

Four.

Really? You don't look it.

Okay, two.

Aren't you sure?

What about three? You know, I was never very good at math, Mrs. Carter.

I, uh, I just want to get married and have my baby.

And, uh, and I want the father to step forward because he loves me, not

not because someone forced him into it.

I'll make some more garbage.

Wow, he's just as freaky at home as he is in school.

She didn't learn nothing, neither.

Bye.

I want to know, and I want to know now.

Have you ever dated Rosalie Totsie?

What was the question?

You heard the question. What's the answer?

Hey, Vinnie, tell them about...

How the Ten Commandments was on the screen and you and Hotsy was in the

breaking nine of them. All right,

what about the balcony at Lowe's Oriental?

One of you is

responsible.

pin this rap on me. I know my rights.

This isn't a courtroom, Epstein.

This is a classroom.

And you don't have any rights.

I want to know and I want to know now.

Have you ever dated Rosalie Totsie?

I can't hear you.

Yeah, yeah, I went out with Rosalie.

But nothing ever happened.

Tony Allen Beach. You said you and Hot Seat made an imprint in the sand that

lifeguards are still talking about.

What about you, Mr.

Laughs? I believe I'm allowed one phone call.

Just tell me about you and Rosalie.

Ain't nothing to tell, man. I ain't never even dated that chick.

Then why'd you say you did? Why not?

I'm deeply disappointed.

You can't even trust a guy named Washington to tell you the truth.

So I guess that settles it, huh?

Congratulations, Horshack, you're the father.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

He only went out with that chick last weekend.

And I thought I was a fast worker.

I'd like to thank everybody who voted for me.

I think you ought to know.

Rosalie says I didn't do it.

So nobody did it.

I think we should put a candle in the window because the last time this

happened, three wise men came from the east.

The rest of you girls, back to the library.

Well, how are we going to learn anything?

Listen, I don't mind if they stay. I've got nothing to hide.

All the boys, get up and get against the wall.

Get against the wall.

Rosalie, I insist that you identify the father, and I insist that you do it

right now.

said nothing ever happened, then I guess I'm not pregnant.

What? Huh?

Hey, can she do that?

You're not pregnant.

You're not pregnant.

Osley, why did you tell me that you were?

Mr. Carter, do you have any idea what it's like going through life as hotsy

-totsy? Being treated like you're easy when you ain't. Even you believe them.

So, uh, that's when I decided getting even would be the best revenge.

Now I got all these clowns on record.

It's official.

and so valiant while I was pregnant.

You're a true gentleman.

And if you're still free for Saturday, so am I.

We can go to the airport alone this time.

Who knows?

understand one thing.

Why? Just tell me why. Why did you involve me in this?

Oh, that's easy, Mr. Cotter, because you always button in where you don't

belong.

But thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Used by a woman once again.

And then just cast aside.

Oh, Cotter.

I've been thinking.

Maybe you're not too young to be a father.

Julie, we talked about this before we were married.

We both decided that we should wait for a while.

It's been a while.

No, it hasn't.

It's not going to be a while for a while.

Go to sleep.

Gabe, don't you want a family?

I have a family.

You're my family.

And I just want to keep it that way.

For a while.

I love you.

I love you, honey.

Good. Tomorrow call up my mother and explain to her why you're not pregnant.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back.

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

We tease him a lot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot because we got him on

spot. Welcome back.