Original subtitles

Where are we going to go on our next vacation?

How about Miami?

Did anybody tell you what happened to my uncle in Miami?

No. He went there, you know, a big convention. He had a secretary with him,

he got to the hotel late.

He said, Mr.

Cotter, you were supposed to be here this afternoon. Now we gave you rooms

We only have one room left.

If you want us to, we can install twin beds for you and your secretary.

What did he say?

What could they do? They had to take the twin beds.

In the middle of the night, the secretary gets up.

She goes, Mr.

Cotter, Mr.

Cotter, could you get up and shut the window? I'm a little chilly.

He says, well, if you're chilly, would you like to pretend that you're Mrs.

Cotter tonight?

I said, well, Mr.

Cotter, I'd love to.

He said, good, get up and shut the window yourself.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya.

We tease him a lot, cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

So, what do you think?

I think it has a sort of a quiet intensity. What do you think? Oh yeah?

I thought it had more of a noisy, relaxed quality.

Hey, horse chef, what do you think it's saying?

It's saying, hello.

Hawaii.

I'm a wall filled with paint.

Morning, people.

Good morning, Mr. Carter.

We're all in our places with bright, shining faces.

Excuse me, I was looking for my class.

This is my class.

All right, what's the big idea?

It's a present for you, Mr. Carter. Thanks a lot.

What do you call this, anyway?

Moonlight over garbage?

Hey, man, just be cool, man. It's only water -painted. It'll come off easy.

Look, you know what it's like?

It's like those murals at the U .N. that tells a story.

Well, this is our story. The greatest story ever told.

The history of the Sweathogs. Oh, yes,

I can see it.

This must be the first group of Sweathogs. And there's me on opening day

school.

wadding up some paper and getting ready to throw out the first spitball.

Oh, and there's Vice Principal Woodman catching it in his ear.

Oh, and this must be me on my first date with good old Yaha Feldman.

There we are on the beach at Coney Island, and here's me and Yaha spreading

blanket on the beach at Coney Island.

I guess coming back to my old school to teach a brand new group of sweat hogs.

And here's that group painting this mural on the wall.

And this is the part I like best.

That same group going into the closet getting mops, sponges, soap, and water.

And the new teacher, everybody tries to get the new teacher, all right?

You're trying to live up to your reputation.

I want you to promise me something.

Clean this off the wall and tell me you're never going to do anything like

again. Hey, hey, man, whatever you want, all right? You got it.

Hey, um, Dig, while we at it, you want us to do your jacket?

My jacket?

Yeah, see, we had a little paint left over.

So we repainted the top of the desk.

Oh, boy.

I'll say that again.

Alex, I am not one of your drama students.

Hello, Alex. Come on, say it again, just the way you said it.

Hello, Alex.

Lovely, lovely delivery.

It's simple, it's convincing, gutsy, utterly to the point.

Hello, Alex.

I don't know what it is, guy, but you got it.

If you like that, you're going to love this.

Go away, Alex.

Cute. You know, I bet if you did your laundry before you came to school, you

wouldn't be so depressed.

I am not depressed.

But I don't know how much longer I can hold out with you in the room. Whoa, now

there is a snappy retort. I don't know how much longer I can hold out with you

in the room.

I'll have to borrow that line from my new play.

Of course, it's probably going to be no better than your other two unproduced

plays. A Streetcar Named Shirley.

And then there was your biggie, fiddler on my sister.

Here you go. I don't think there's any reason to take it out on old Alex here

just because your sweat hogs can't express themselves in a socially

way, like my debating class, for example.

You know, I really wish you wouldn't call them sweat hogs. I mean, it's okay

they call themselves sweat hogs or if I call them sweat hogs, but outside of

that class, no enlightened educator would call a child a sweat hog.

Carter. Do you know what your sweat hounds have done now?

They have switched the signs on the restroom doors.

The men's room is now the ladies' room. The ladies' room is now the men's room.

I mean, I just walked in to wash my hands.

Poor Miss Fishbeck will never be the same.

Mr. Wooden, try to be understanding.

Gabe can't help it if his students are still pre -civilized.

All right, look, Wells. They may be underachievers, but they're basically

kids. I put them against your class any day of the week.

Oh, like in a formal debate?

Yeah. Why not?

Wells,

why you wearing your ass got too tight?

I mean, I can't allow...

I will assume full responsibility for the safety of my charges.

Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.

Wait a minute.

Say that again.

What? Don't worry, Mr. Woodman. Just the way you said it.

Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.

Beautiful.

Terrific.

But you did it better the first time.

Now say it again. Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.

Don't worry. No, no, no, no, no, no.

More gutsy. Right.

Think about what you're saying.

Hair -shaped tones.

Don't worry, Mr.

Woodman.

Now say it right to him. Get down to his level. Put your arm out. Okay, now

think about this man. This man is you in 20 years. Now say it.

Don't worry, Mr.

Woodman.

Okay,

man, that's good enough.

You should like that.

Um, sir, SEC told you, come right off.

All right, good.

Now that the history of the sweat hogs is history, I wonder if you people are

aware that there's other ways to express yourselves.

Like, uh, with words, for instance.

Oh, hey, words are great, Mr. Cotter. You know, I use them all the time.

Matter of fact, I just use words to tell you I use words.

Very good, Epstein.

And in the interest of teaching you people a little bit more about words, I

decided to form a debate team.

Yes, my friends, a debate team. That's a team that uses words.

Words with bite. Words with snap. Words that put us on the map. Not the

basketball team. Not the baseball team. Not the football team. But the debate

team. We're the capital D in that right.

debate is sort of a rumble with words.

You mean like up your nose with a garden hose.

Not insults, Barbarino.

Facts. Logic. With each side arguing an opposite point of view.

Hey, Connor.

All right.

It was just a thought.

Take out your workbooks.

You're too chicken to mix it up with Mr. Wells' debating class.

You mean the turkeys?

I was afraid of the turkeys.

You mean those weirdos want to debate us?

Hey, man, I'll beat the words out of them birds.

We'll stuff them.

Fricassee on.

Weed. Weed.

Okay,

Rorschach, good. That's the spirit. Get up here. You take the affirmative or the

yes argument.

Okay.

Yes!

topic. We'll debate them without a topic. Yeah, we'll pluck the turkeys.

That's it.

That's our topic.

Plucking turkeys?

No, resolve.

Humans are naturally aggressive.

Aggression. That sounds like fun.

Okay, what's that? Go.

Ahem.

Speaking for the affirmative side, I would like to ask you all to support

aggression.

Why do I ask you to support aggression?

I ask you to support aggression because it is everywhere, especially there,

and there, and there.

Thank you. All right, that was fine, Arnold.

Epstein, now you get up and take the rebuttal or the no argument. Sure.

No argument.

Proof to Horseshack that people don't have to be aggressive.

Uh, proof. You want proof? Okay, I'll give you proof.

Hey, Arnold.

People don't gotta be aggressive, do they?

No.

No, they don't. I lied. I lied. I swear I lied. People don't gotta be

aggressive.

Hey, Mr. Cotter, I'm really good at... this rebutton stuff, you know?

Okay, do we have a debate team?

Yeah!

Yes, my friends, we got some debate teams. Right here, team.

to see you make a complete and utter fool of yourself.

How's that, Mr. Woodman?

That's exactly what I might expect from a man who expects his sweat hogs to out

-debate the debate class.

Well, now I'll run down and get the turkeys.

I mean the debate class. And mind you, Carter,

Mr. Woodman, you won't recognize my kids. I told them to make sure they

like ladies and gentlemen and to dress in a dignified manner.

They're not people, Carter.

Come on, come on, come on.

Is this what you call a dignified manner?

Hey, man, don't sweat it, man. This is part of our intricate plan to psych out

the opposition.

supposed to sack him out with words, not with clothes?

Look, you want me to remove the suspenders? I'll remove the suspenders,

there ain't much dignity in a pair of pants dropping to the floor.

And what about my top hat, Mr. Carter?

Top hats is real dignified.

Where'd you get it, Arnold?

Murray lent it to me.

Murray? Who's Murray?

Who's Murray? Murray the horse.

And you, you look like you'd come with a $95 funeral.

This coat, this coat was worn at the famous Lincoln -Douglas debate.

This coat was worn at the famous Lincoln -Douglas debate.

I wore this coat when my father, Lincoln, was beating the daylights out

brother, Douglas.

Get up, Epstein.

You're supposed to come here prepared for a debate, not a pirate attack.

Hey, I'm representing my people.

As a matter of fact, honey, this outfit was worn by my great -great -grandmother

when she fought on San Juan Hill for the Puerto Rican Jews.

Hey, not only that, she was a dead ringer for Teddy Roosevelt.

Yeah, my great -great -grandfather kept on telling her.

trim the sideburns, shave the mustache.

Epstein, close your mouth. Sit on your sword.

All right.

And you, what are you supposed to be, our very own cheerleader?

You got it, Mr. Carter.

Give me an S, give me a W, give me an E -A -T.

Rosalie, give it to me later, okay?

I'm not taking sides, Mr. Wells.

What do you got here, guy?

A costume party?

Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Is that what you think, Mr. Wells?

They're the costumes from your last play.

The subject agreed upon is resolved.

aggressive. Speaking for the negative, Mr. Wells' team.

Speaking for the affirmative, Carter's bunch.

Give me an S. Give me a W. Give me a C. Give it to me later.

Can you check your reference

material, please?

New York.

Check. Study of the Arctic Eskimos.

They've never known a war.

Check.

Anthropological report on the Tatadai tribe.

A people without aggression.

Check.

Your turn, Bubby.

You call that research? We're going to show you what research is.

What?

The research that you prepared for this debate.

material. The last words of Jack the Ripper.

I never met a person I didn't want to kill.

Check.

Attila the Hun's speech to his troops.

Trample everyone in sight.

Check.

My father to my mother.

Now you hit him, Margie.

arm is tired.

Oh, we need a timekeeper.

Oh, oh, me, me.

Oh, could I be a timekeeper, please?

Can he tell?

Constructive speeches will be limited to four minutes.

Rebuttals to two minutes.

Let's begin.

Okay, um, Washington, you lead the troops.

I never did this before, man.

You don't have anything prepared?

I never talked in public before.

You never talk anywhere in public?

Only in church.

Well, do what you have to do.

Brothers and sisters, we are gathered here today because

I intend to prove that people are born naturally aggressive.

It's as old as...

Aggression is not intrinsic to human nature.

Save for our opponents who have yet to prove they're human.

Hey, off my case, potato face.

Time out of here.

Time out.

Time out of here.

What? What?

Come here.

Just what do you all think you're doing, huh?

Look, listen. It's cool. Trust us. You'll see. No, it's not cool. I don't

their interruptions, Mr. Cotter. They're just proving what they are.

Oh, yeah?

You know what you are, Todd?

Your white friend.

Um, for example, if every time you take a sweat hog and you punch him in the

face, you repeatedly tell him to shut up.

Not when we shut up. You said we weren't human. Yeah, we're animals.

Right as called on account of dumbness. That's right. Paul Carter, the young

man, was obviously provoked.

Oh, well, I think he did some provoking himself.

And I think we proved our point. Even the finest student is capable of

aggression. But notice, some people were able to control it.

Uh, Mr. Carter, I just have one thing to say to you.

Go ahead.

In your socks with a pound of locks.

Terrible plan, Washington.

But it was a plan.

And I'm proud of you for trying.

And you look great in the outfit.

But we got a very long way to go.

Rosalie, give it to me now!

He was walking down the street like this.

What did he have in his hands?

That's what I said. Hey, Larry, what did he have in your hands?

He said a toad.

A toad. That's what I said, a toad.

Well, where was he going with a toad?

That's what I said.

Hey, Larry, where are you going with a toad?

He said he was taking the toad to the zoo.

Oh, well, that makes sense.

Yeah, except I saw him today, and he was still walking down the street like

this.

I thought you said he took the toad to the zoo.

That's what I said.

I said, Larry, didn't you take the toad to the zoo?

He said, yeah, but today I'm taking him to the movies.

Welcome back. Carter was recorded live on tape before a studio audience.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot Welcome back

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back Welcome back, welcome

back Yeah, we tease him a lot Welcome back, welcome back Cause we got him on

spot Welcome back, welcome back Yeah, we tease him a lot Cause we got him on the

spot Welcome back