Original subtitles

Right, before we start the wedding rehearsal, there are one or two things I

a bit confusing.

Like, is it night or day?

The weddings are to take place one after another.

Well done.

You don't want a double wedding?

No. And the first wedding is between, um, Harvey and Tom, right?

Almost. Harvey and me, Dennis.

Oh, good.

I thought for one moment we might be getting a bit modern.

The second wedding is between, um... Any volunteers?

Us. Oh.

And who are you marrying?

Each other, you pillock.

Pillock, right.

Jane, who's giving you away?

I am. Her grandfather.

And who's giving Diana away?

Me again.

Double shift.

And his grandfather as well.

He's my auntie.

And best man?

Men. I've got Geoffrey. That's me. I'm Tom's son.

And I've got Jamie.

Isn't he giving your bride away?

No problem. I can just start from side to side.

Well, good.

That seems to have sorted that out.

Just one last thing.

What's the baby to be called?

Oh, Betty.

Oh, Evelyn.

In case you're not sure of the sex.

Leave well, sweetheart.

Try this one.

It's got a little veil.

Oh, think I need it, do you? Am I that ancient and hideous?

Diana, stop being so insecure.

You're only getting married. People do it all the time. Yes, but not me and not

in a church.

I mean, what if God hears me lying through my teeth in one of his places?

I'll be turned into a pillar of salt.

Oh, God, I can't go through with it.

Of course you can.

It's just nerves.

No, it isn't.

I'm not some simpering teenage tart who had one pina colada too many and is now

wondering if she'll get through the wedding ceremony before the waters

And I've formed a set of standards and principles which, however prickly, are

the ones I live by.

And married is not one of them.

So why are you getting married?

I don't know. For Tom, I guess.

He said he'd kill himself if we didn't go legit.

Well, there you go, then. That's quite reason enough. You're doing it for Tom.

Yes, yes, yes. Just a day's outing to keep him happy.

That's the way.

It doesn't matter that I'm hauling down my colours, throwing in the sponge.

Just turning myself into some man's appendage.

No more Diana Trent, ancient warlord, scourge of the desert sands.

I'll just be Mrs Ballard, Tom's ball and chain, his trouble and strife, his

little wife. Oh, God, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

What, who?

Oh, hello, Tom.

What is it you hate so vehemently?

This hat.

Oh, nothing else?

Well, this one as well, and that one. I was just saying, I hate it, I hate it, I

hate it, I hate it.

I hate them all.

Oh. Well, so long as it's just a hat.

Spud you like, hat you hate. That's all.

Just going to my room to get something.

Could have been tricky.

This is a big tie.

Not pregnant, are you?

Jenny!

Harvey got me this dress.

It was his mother's and her mother's before that.

Really? Fancy the Taiwanese having full polyester in them days.

Speaking of getting pregnant... Which we weren't. Just supposing we were.

As a stand -in for your parents, as it were, I feel it incumbent on me to sort

of maybe inform you about one or two facts.

The loike of which you may not have been informed about before.

Do I make myself clear?

No. It's all right, Jamie. I've had a long chat with Jane and she knows all

about the wedding night.

And I can tell you right now we're having none of that sort of behaviour on

honeymoon.

We intend to enjoy ourselves.

Go to the museum.

Maybe a cinema.

Not leap about like wild animals on a trampoline. Thank you very much.

I never thought I'd feel sorry for Harvey.

Harvey, you're not meant to see me like this. Jane, you look wonderful.

Not like a panto fairy at all.

Thank you, Harvey.

What a day tomorrow will be, eh, Jane?

Our day of great joy, the union of our two souls forever and ever.

Oh, Harvey, you're so romantic.

I certainly am. Now, would you mind signing this?

What is it? It's the prenup. What? The prenuptial agreement.

You know, if the whole thing blows up in a couple of months, this will stop you

from screwing me for everything you can get.

The GTI.

Even if I die, you can't drive that.

Just sign this and we'll get on with it.

What's the matter with her?

You're such a bent little prat.

Thank you, Jenny.

You're fired.

Harvey. What?

You won't forget our stag night, will you? I haven't got time for all that

nonsense.

I'll be paying.

So where's it going to be?

Well, I think it's a ridiculous idea.

All good blokes have a stag night. Yes, but not men who are 110 years old with

weak hearts.

Tomorrow is going to be a big strain on both of us. I'll be right peed off if

you snuff it halfway up the aisle. All right, all right. Just one quick drink

and back home.

See you later.

I'm getting married in the morning.

Ding dong, the bells begin to chime.

Oh, God.

What a...

Righto, here's your coat. What?

Jenny and I and all the lady residents have decided we are going to give you

Jane a serious pen night. All women together?

Oh, how mind -bogglingly dull.

No, darling, not just women.

What do you mean?

You'll see. Come on, come on. I'm diabetic, remember? I can't get totally

-arsed.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going to have a drink with my father. It's his stag night.

You're supposed to be stopping this wedding, not encouraging it.

I think it's a very nice idea. I'm sure it'll make Dad very happy.

You give all our money away to that old hag.

We'll always be poor and nobody.

I'll have to go on the streets.

Sell myself.

Sounds much more sensible than giving yourself away, dear.

I'll put it in local papers.

Then I won't have strange men ringing up at all hours to find out exactly where

you're swinging from the chandeliers with your knickers round your face.

I want that wedding stopped.

Hello, Volvo.

How are you this fine summer's evening?

We're going to a party, but don't worry.

I won't be drinking.

Bye, dear.

Happy whoring.

One night in heaven, one night in heaven.

Wonderful,

wonderful. What shall we do next?

Why don't we go home?

How did you go?

I think you've all had quite enough to drink.

We've a big day tomorrow.

I think it's time to say, sleep tight, don't let the bugs bite.

Geoffrey, did you know that you are the most boring man in the whole wide world?

Yes.

I want to say something. Speak, speak.

We promised not to throw up till you're finished.

This is my last night of freedom.

No longer will I be the famous bachelor known through five counties and a bit of

the next one.

Even now I can hear the weeping of the young girls.

As the great Harvey Nigel hangs up his shooting hands and takes himself a

And what a lucky woman to have nailed the great, marvellous me. Three cheers

me. Hooray, hooray, hooray.

I think I'm going to be ill.

So am I. Excuse me.

You're very quiet, Tom.

Have another drink.

Something worrying you?

Everything is worrying me. Ah, we all feel like that.

Whenever I got married, and that was quite frequently, I always thought I was

making the most terrible mistake.

Mind you, I always was.

That's not the hero there.

Me too.

Terrible mistake.

When I remember walking down the aisle with Marion, well...

I was walking.

She was sort of twitching and jumping down the aisle. She had some rather

infection of the urinary tract.

I can rest a friend of hers.

She was quite a nice chap, actually.

Very handy for carrying the luggage on the honeymoon.

Anyway, I often think, wouldn't it have been nice if, while walking down the

aisle, I'd been struck down by polio?

Or the church had collapsed?

Or there'd been an earthquake and the whole of Hampshire had disappeared into

the sea? So that now... I would hardly be even a small blip on the collective

memory of mankind, let alone still being married to a woman who's had more men

than the most fanatical members of the Gourmet Society have had hot dinners.

Oh, God.

Well, what a fun night this is.

Excuse me, but would you like me to call the fire brigade?

Your friend has jammed his head in the lavatory, Bob.

No, just keep... lashing it.

You don't seem to be exactly filled to bits at your upcoming enslavement.

I want to say goodnight to Diana.

Who must the lobby on me?

You're talking to my feet.

Must have moved the room around.

I'm trying to drain the blood from my feet.

Oh, good idea. Why?

Because I spent half the night dancing with naked men.

What did you do the other half of the night?

Dragged Jane off naked men.

I think they were the first she'd ever seen.

A conversion made St. Paul's Damascus road number look like a housewife having

bit of a dither in Tesco.

We'd like to drown Harvey in an aviary.

Oh, good old boys together, eh? Right.

I couldn't go through this marriage caper too often.

True.

Well, what do you want, Tom?

I'm too knackered for any prenuptial jollies.

No, no, goodness me, no, no. Could kill the pair of us.

So what do you want?

Diana. Are you happy?

Happy?

About getting married.

Yes, of course I am.

You don't hate, hate, hate, hate it?

I don't know what you are talking about, Tom.

Honestly?

Cross my heart and hope to die.

I'm fine.

I'm just fine.

That's all right, then.

Night -night.

See you in church.

Not a serious one.

It's just that I thought you said a double wedding.

No, one after the other.

Well, I'm afraid there's a funeral booked for the second one.

Well, unbook it.

They're already here.

So it'll have to be a double wedding, I'm afraid.

Fine.

Marvellous. Why not bung in a few more?

They do millions at a time in Korea.

You'd be a big hit in Korea, Dennis.

Why don't you get on your bike and pedal over there?

Diana's going to love this.

I think 18 vodkas for breakfast is one of your record beaters, dear.

We've got to stop this wedding.

Just hold still.

Quite capable of putting on my own lipstick. Thank you.

Dear God, if the world was run on woman time, we'd still be in the Dark Ages.

Oh,

Jane, you look wonderful.

I think I'm going to be sick.

And I thought we'd never get you off our book.

How do I look?

You look like you're going to a wedding.

As a spectator.

Yes, well, I'm done if I'm going to get done up like some virgin sacrifice.

You look fine. Come on, let's get there before the funeral starts.

Funeral? What funeral?

I'll tell you about it in the car.

Busy afternoon, you know.

I can't bring him in yet.

Who?

The deceased.

No, you cannot.

It's just we've got a busy afternoon, Governor.

We've got freeze -stacked and a holding pattern.

Can't I just bring him in the vestry?

Get!

I'm not going to join in or nothing.

All right.

All right.

Where are they?

There, there. It's just love.

Come on, it's getting late.

Well, it doesn't matter.

I have decided that I am not getting married after all.

Tell them to turn round. I will not.

You're behaving like a mean, spoiled, selfish brat.

So what's new?

And if you don't get in the car... and do the right thing by Tom, I will never

bring baby -diteth to you again, not ever, and I mean it.

Jane? You look revolted.

Oh, it's all right. Take no notice. You look lovely.

Diana, you're a...

Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, inshore and searched.

Wedding first, funeral second.

Got that, Denny? Oh, right, yes.

Wilt thou... Shouldn't there be a bride?

Two brides?

Isn't that bigamy?

I'll go and wait for her.

Come on, or the party will start without you.

Who are you, brides or grooms?

You look like you're dressed for a funeral.

Ah.

So sorry.

Oh, God, they're coming.

Shut it.

Hurry up, for God's sake. The place is double booked.

does have a sense of humor, after all.

Are they come down?

Oh, come on.

Just take deep breaths.

In.

off, please.

Will you stop fussing, girl?

Now, listen, Daddy Duncan, you see over there all that nonsense.

We'll now never let that happen to you.

Stop that.

You take no notice, darling. You'll be fine.

Come on, before Dennis christens everyone.

Are we ready then?

Yes. Get on with it.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God and in the

face of this... Where are we going to put it?

Inside, of course.

Which is an honourable estate instituted of God in the time of man's

innocency, signifying unto us the mystical union... That is, it takes

his church.

But from 2 .30, it's hours.

And first, Lord President, Lord, in Canaan, into which holy estate these two

persons present come now to be joined.

Therefore, if any man can show any just cause why they may not lawfully be

joined together, let him now speak.

Or else her after forever hold his peace.

Yeah, I object.

I don't want the old ones to get married.

She'll take all his money.

And I'll just end up a cold heart in the gutter.

Hello, Jeffery.

What are you doing here?

I baptize thee.

Morning.

I mean, good morning.

Are you morning?

veins, wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife, to live together after

God's ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony?

Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in thickness and in health,

and forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?

Yeah.

Jane Clarissa Laetitia, wilt thou have this man to thy wedded

husband to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of

Wilt thou obey him and serve him, love, honor, and keep him

in sickness and in health, and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto

him? so long as ye both shall live.

I will, definitely.

Those whom God hath joined together, let no man put a thunder.

Harvey, you may kiss the bride.

our second happy couple.

Thomas Edward Ballard, wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife to live

together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony?

Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health,

and forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her?

So long as ye both shall live.

That's right, isn't it?

Get on with it, Tom.

What was the question?

Do you take Diana as your wife?

Um... No.

No, I don't think so.

What do you mean?

Dad, you say I will, but I won't.

Tom, what's going on?

Diana, I think it's a bad idea. I think it would ruin everything.

I'm just not the marrying kind.

I'd be off.

I'd break your heart.

Let's keep things the way they are.

Knew what?

I know nothing.

This is my decision.

You old buzzard.

I adore you.

Oi! Listen, cock.

Welcome to our harvest festival.

Happy?

You'll see how happy.

How do you mean?

When we get home, I am going to give you the best Saturday nighting you have

ever had in your life.

Totally good.

Meanwhile, you might as well do the photos.

We have paid.