Original subtitles

Insulin level nine.

Okay, pretty good. All systems go.

Well, as near to go as I'm going to get this side of the grave.

Morning, Diana.

Oh, you're dressed.

Yes. I usually get dressed when I'm going out.

Except for that time when I forgot and went down to the library in my pyjamas.

Well, they were my pyjamas, actually.

My baby doll pyjamas.

Still, never mind. Even the magistrate thought you looked cute.

So, oh, what are you going to do today?

That's a secret. But I am going to do something that will make you see me as a

new man.

You're not going down the hospital to ask for another head transplant, are

No.

I am going to do something that you've always wanted me to do.

I thought you did that on Saturday night.

Diane, what I achieve today will make you realise that I am just the sort of

you want for a husband.

Tom. Will you get my hammer and chisel and I will engrave it deep upon your

forehead. I do not want to marry you.

Not now, maybe.

You never want to do anything before you've had a cup of tea.

But when I've done what a man has to do, then we will see.

What language do I have to speak?

What signs and portents must a woman invoke in order to overcome the

of the creature that is man?

Why do they all... I think that we yearn to be stretched upon the sacrificial

altar of marriage.

Why do they all think they all come gift -wrapped?

Why don't they all go and boil their heads?

Because we need you, Diana.

I need you.

A man without a mate is a wasted thing.

He has no purpose.

He's like a sock without a foot.

What does that mean?

I have to call this.

See you later.

What home?

Hello. How can I help you, Grandad?

You can call me Mr Ballard for a start.

Say, sorry I'm pure.

I mean, I might be a grandfather.

In fact, I am a grandfather, as my son Geoffrey, the well -known Hell's Angel,

has managed, God knows how, to have two quite unpleasant children.

They take after their mother, Marion, who is very unpleasant.

You probably know her.

Most men within a 50 -mile radius of central Bournemouth know her.

I'm not entitled you to presume that I am a grandfather.

Does it?

Eh?

You want me to repeat all that?

No, no, no, please.

Just get on with it, will you? How much do you charge?

What for?

This is a driving school, yes?

Yes. Well...

I didn't come here to have my toenails clipped, did I?

You want driving lessons?

Faster than a speeding bullet.

How old are you?

76. Too old.

Oh, I have a provisional driving licence and I have a medical certificate.

Why did you leave it so late?

My wife used to drive me everywhere.

Well, why can't she keep driving you? She's been dead for 15 years.

I wouldn't give her a medical certificate.

So why do you want to start driving at your age?

To show my lady love that I'm not just a burnt -out gold boot.

So, shall we jump into the old Lamborghini and go for a bit of a burn?

Here we are, Diana.

The Lord be with you.

The blessed Semolina.

What is this?

My rosary! Oh, dear!

Oh, dear Lord, I'm so sorry.

I must have dropped it during my intercourse Hail Marys.

Do forgive me.

It was my semolina, mate.

Please don't blaspheme, Diana.

You'll be struck down.

I believe yours is a very forgiving God, and I'm quite sure you went...

You were simply bunging your beads in my summer leave.

In fact, you might even find it vaguely amusing.

Do you think so?

Oh, yes. Anybody who created mankind must have had a sense of humour.

Diana, let's drop the subject.

I'm sorry about her.

Jane.

Jane, will you sit down a minute, please?

What is it, Diana?

You and I are in the same position.

Really? How?

We both have clothiered menfolk driving us round the twist.

You've got the idiot Baines trying to pin you down, and I've got dear old Tom

crashing around with some nuptial bee in his bonnet.

What do you mean?

Tom wants to marry me.

going to get at your time of life?

Jane, do you want to be the first trainee nun to be found floating face

a bowl of semolina?

I didn't accept Tom's offer for the same reason I didn't accept about 50 other

lunatics. Because I have never wanted to get married.

I've never wanted to be Mrs. Somebody Else, and I still don't.

Poor old Tom.

Yes, I know. That's my dilemma.

See, I've become rather fond of old Tom.

The five years we've spent together is the longest relationship I've ever had.

Well, apart from the Labrador I had for 15 years, but... I don't want to hurt

old Tom, but I cannot compromise my principles.

You do still love Tom, though, don't you? Don't confuse the issue with mush,

Jane. I believe you should think very hard before you turn Tom down.

Oh, yes.

And what about you and Harvey, hmm?

Are you sure you really want to rush into the arms of the church?

I mean, does the dear Lord really want you on the rebound?

It's not like that. Are you sure that despite the obvious dictates of taste

sanity, you're not still in love with the twisted little git? Quite sure.

Really, really, really sure?

Yes. Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh, God, if you're up there, how do I get out of this soap opera?

Hello there, Harvey.

What are you doing?

I'm waiting for the postman. And here he is.

Expecting something, are you?

No. I want to give him a big kiss.

Wouldn't fancy it myself.

Hi,

fat boy.

Hi, babe. What's going down?

Me.

I have an urgent desire for your filthy, fat, unshaven body.

What's the matter?

I've done what you wanted. I've got me tattoo.

Show me, show me.

My husband would never have done this for me.

That's true, doll.

What's this?

Who the hell's Mary Ann?

I said Marion.

The bloke who'd done it was drunk.

Has he done the dragon on your tummy?

Wait till he sobers up.

I don't want no hare brain messing around down here.

All right.

Well, you'd better go and find another job now.

A job?

You said nothing about that.

You said we was only interested in pleasure and sex.

Yes, pleasure and sex. And school fees and tennis club fees and off -license

fees. No such thing as a free bed, fat boy.

On your bike.

My brain hurts.

At last.

The Reverend Harvey Nigel Baines.

Bless you, my son.

Right, Mr Ballard.

Let's take this very carefully, shall we?

Haven't you got something a bit more zippy?

Sorry?

I mean, Nigel Mantle's dog wouldn't drive one of these.

Now, will you just concentrate, please?

Where are the pips?

Now, remember the procedure?

Indicator on. Check the rear -view mirror.

Gently on the accelerator and then let the clutch out and move slowly and

smoothly into the left -hand lane.

OK? Fine.

Let's go.

Now, just a touch on the accelerator.

at this teaching thing, are you?

I suppose we'd better do some reversing now.

Where are you going?

We haven't done an hour yet.

I wonder if they do these collards in Paisley.

Oh, hi. Yes, hello. Is that the secretary of the golf club?

Well, bless you, my dear.

This is the Reverend Bain.

Well, I'd like to apply for membership of your wonderful club.

Yes, Bain.

Am I related to that nasty little bird that runs Bayview?

I'm sure I don't know who you mean.

No, no, no, don't worry. I'll drop by and pick up the form.

Yes. Bye -bye.

Cow.

Well, they're not going to turn down a reverend, are they?

Especially not a married reverend.

Oh, hello, Janie.

Need a hand, my child?

I'm not your child, Harvey.

We're all children of God, Jane.

That's very true, Harvey.

How are the Bible studies coming?

Fine, thank you.

Maybe we could peruse the good book together.

It doesn't have any pictures, you know.

I know, Jane.

I know my Gospels.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and Jim.

Just testing.

Us followers of the divine must always be testing each other to make sure our

faith stays as strong as the rock that was St... Rocky.

Peter!

Well done.

What are you talking about, Harvey?

I have found the way, Jane. The way? The way to what?

The way to get into the golf club?

I'm not interested in golf clubs, Jane. I found the way of the Lord.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes. I have been struck by the light on the Tabasco Road.

Life has taken a new direction. You see before you a new Harvey. The Harvey of

the Lord.

Lo.

Oh, dear Lord!

Forgive him. He knows not what he does.

Oh, Jane, I know quite well what I does.

I am now a reverend.

Stop! We'll all be cast into the eternal fire.

Oh, goodness. Jane, look at this. This is my reverendship certificate.

You see? Look, I mean, it's all signed and sealed. I mean, it's totally legit.

Look, this is to certify that Harvey Nigel Baines is a minister of the Church

the Flaming Sword, Las Vegas.

Yes, and he's passed all the exams to fully qualify him as a church minister

with all the due tax entitlements.

It's signed Bishop Leroy Washington III.

What exams did you have to take?

Oh, very extensive. I mean, it took me a whole lunchtime to tick the little

boxes.

Bishop Leroy... Washington?

Yeah, no, you see, that's him. He's the one on Rollithgate holding a mass

wedding of Puerto Rican croupiers outside the Golden Shire's casino.

Very colourful. Yeah, but I can now conduct a marriage service.

And it's good fees, too.

I thought I might convert the dining room into a chapel on Saturdays, you

catch the weekend shopping and marrying crowd.

Harvey? Yes, Jane?

I think I might have to have a lie down.

Don't do any marriages while I'm gone. Jane, there's only one marriage that I

want to be involved in.

Yours and mine. To each other, I mean. Our marriage.

I think I might have to have an migraine pill.

No, don't you.

Now, just think. Think of the possibilities.

The Reverend Baines and his assistant, Jane Baines, invite you to a tambourine

and guitar party.

Bring an open heart and an open checkbook.

Well,

that should have sorted that one out.

Someone to run this play and entry to the golf club.

Hello. Oh, hello, Geoffrey.

Do come in.

Thanks, darling.

Old man in, is he? No, he's gone off somewhere.

Right, I'll hang about a bit if that's OK with you.

You got beer?

It's me, Diana.

Yes, I?

So, your ding -a -ling wife is not here. You can drop the fat boy's charade.

What do you mean, you silly old bat?

Geoffrey?

Geoffrey, who are you?

I'm Fat Boy.

Fat Boy Higgins.

I ride with the Bogner chapter of the Hell's Angels. No, you don't. I'm sure I

do. No, no, no, you're Geoffrey Ballard, purveyor of yoghurt and cheese slices

to the masses.

It's gross.

Slob aberration was something you pretended to be in order to titivate

unnatural wife.

This isn't the real you, right?

Listen, Gran, you're hurting me brain.

Uh -uh. Where's me old man?

Ah, yes, now that's it. Now, if Tom Ballard is your father, who does that

you? His son, of course. Yes, so your name must be Ballard, not Higgins.

Look, I just ride me bike, thump people, give me old lady a regular service.

Stop messing with me, eh?

It is. It's time for the men with the nets and the cattle prods.

Hello, who am I? I mean, who is this?

The police?

Who asked you to call me?

Sterling Moth?

Listen, you dozy great walloper.

That man is a well -known local fruitcake.

He is not.

Sterling Moss, Alan Prost or Nigel Mansell.

So you say this gentleman's given us a false name?

Yes.

He is really Nicky Louder.

Who is he?

Louder. Who is he?

Never mind, it was an old joke. Let's start again, shall we?

Now, what is your name? What? What is your name?

Yes. Yes, what?

What is my name?

I don't know, that's why I'm asking you.

My name is Sergeant What.

I think I'm in a Marx Brothers movie.

Just give me my bloke back, please.

Ah, for this gentleman's husband.

Soon to be, we're engaged.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Yes, and it isn't true.

Behave yourself, Tom.

What's his name?

No, no. Your name is what. My name's not what. Eh, what?

Shut up, Tom.

His name is Tom Ballard.

What's he in for, anyway? He's not been showing his bum at the rugby club again.

Driving without due care and attention.

Oh, don't be so silly. He can't drive at all.

We know that. He put a vehicle through the window of the driving school.

Well, I was with an instructor. Whom you then chased down the high street.

Well, he was running away. My lesson hadn't finished.

I hadn't had my full hour.

You then drove into the pond.

Well, of course I did.

The car was on fire.

Pretty smart, eh?

Eh, what?

Thank you for bailing me out. It's usually the other way round. What were

playing at? Since when have you wanted to drive?

Well, it was for you, really.

Explain.

It's the sort of blokes you like, you know, squash butters, chaps who jump out

of planes.

And you're always on about this racing driver boyfriend you had.

So I thought, well, first step, take some driving lessons off.

Look, you are who you are.

I'm very happy with that.

But you don't want to marry what I am. No, well, I didn't want to marry the

racing driver either.

Did he ask you? Oh, frequently.

Along with many other pirates in my life. And I threw them all out.

You can't do that to me. Oh, yes, I can.

Oh, no, you can't. Why not?

It's my apartment.

So, why won't you wed me?

Because... Because I don't want to.

Isn't that enough?

No.

I mean, I've only asked two other women to marry me, and they both said yes.

Well, we've only been married once.

I was engaged to my nanny when I was four.

Said that the 15 -year age gap would always be a problem.

So we went our separate ways.

She might be 130 years old by now.

But don't you see, if you married me, I would be on a different level to all the

others. Tom.

Otherwise, I'm just lover number 3 ,010. Thank you.

I'm not going to marry you just to prop up your feeble ego.

It's because I'm boring.

No, it isn't. Just because I don't wrestle with sharks.

Just because I don't skydive. Just because I don't have a steely glint in

eye. Belt up.

Subject closed.

So, didn't much happen while I was doing my stretch in the old Alcatraz de

Bournemouth? Oh, yes.

Your son went mad.

Really? That's fascinating.

What form did his lunacy take this time? Well, he thinks he's Fat Boy Higgins,

the last of the Easy Riders.

No, no, that was just to amuse Marion.

Not any more.

He believes he's Fat Boy in his own fat head. He's currently slobbing around our

place looking like Marlon Brando on Valium.

Thank you.

Sort him out.

Knew I shouldn't have gone over the wall.

Should have done my time like a man.

I wish I was still Ernest Hemingway.

Hemingway was a manic depressive old queen.

I was not.

Good morning, your Grace.

Ah, Jamie.

I want to talk to you about your granddaughter, the lovely Jane.

You're not cutting her pay again, are you?

On the contrary.

I want to give her the most precious thing I have.

Would that be your almost Armani suit?

My body.

My soul.

She'll take the suit.

You like living here, don't you, Jamie?

For free, and all that.

I hope you'll both be very happy together.

Thank you.

God bless you.

insight into the furthest depths of the brain -damaged psyche so that I can

speak to people round here.

Geoffrey's got a motorbike and he talks funny.

He keeps calling me a rough scrubber mole.

He thinks very nice and he's taken to spitting at the geranium.

What do you want, Jane?

It's Harvey.

He's become a reverend. A reverend what?

Reverend Baines.

He's got a reverend. Friendship from America? He's even got the bulk collar.

All right, God, you can come out now. The joke's over.

He did it for me, in order to get me to marry him. He did it for himself. You

know what he's like, Jane.

Just scrape him off your shoe, tell him to vanish and keep moving.

Nobody's ever done anything like that for me before.

You're not weakening, are you?

Of course not. But it does show a high degree of devotion, doesn't it? It shows

a high degree of selfishness, Jane.

He wants to make you into a legal slave, just like the rest of them.

Jane, what's going on?

Why? Harvey came and asked me for your hand.

Cannibal. Oh!

My goodness, he's tried to do everything right for once.

What did you say? Well, I hope he said he'd rather live through another potato

famine and have one of his granddaughters marry that dreadful

litter. Is that right, Jamie? I said it was up to you, Jamie. I will say no for

you, Jane.

No. No.

He says you're to be on the front lawn at tea time for his formal proposal.

I will be there, Jane.

And if you weaken, I will haunt your dreams forever.

It's a private occasion.

Nobody else will be there. Thank you very much.

It's a private occasion.

I'll call out the troops. And I'll arrange the grandstand, the tear gas and

sick bags.

Geoffrey, Daddy's here.

I know that being married to Marion has some disadvantages, like probably a few

degrees worse than going to hell for all eternity or even spending a fortnight

in Luton.

But you really can't behave like this. You can't go from selling dairy products

to smashing up seaside resorts at your age. You'll look silly.

even more silly than you were when you tried to break into novelty

contraceptives.

I told you curry -flavoured condoms would never catch on.

Who is he?

Oh, he's still with the fairies. What are we going to do with him?

Chuck him on the rubbish heap. Diana, he's my son.

No, he's not. He's a visitor from another planet.

He's probably responsible for corn circles, cycle lanes, traffic cones and

the other unnatural phenomena.

Might even be responsible for the Liberal Democrats.

He says he wants a job.

I won't tell him to go down to medical school, see if they want any corpses to

cut up.

Where are you going?

Harvey is proposing to Jane this afternoon and he wants it to be a very

and secret affair.

So I must make sure everyone's there.

A proposal ceremony.

Jeffrey?

Oh, hello.

I gather you're looking for a job.

Could be. What's the gig?

Have you got another crash helmet?

Yeah. Well, I want to hire you to take me to your nearest aerodrome where a

certain Mr Biggles and his friend Ginger are awaiting my coming.

Get a chainsaw, Jane.

Then when he opens his mouth to propose, you just cut his head off.

I think I know what to do, darling.

You are going to say no, aren't you?

Of course I am.

In my own way.

Oh, dear Lord, give me strength.

Into the valley of death.

On your knees, boy.

On your knees.

On your knees. All right, all right, I was just about to.

Jane Edwards, light of my life, would you do me the honour of marrying

me? Oh, what a surprise.

Can I marry you?

What can I say?

You can say no. Shut up, Diana.

was I?

What did you want?

Marriage, Jane.

I want you to marry me.

Will you marry me?

No.

Jane, I'm getting a stiff knee.

Can I have an answer?

Yes, Harvey!

Jane! Jane, you're touching me.

What's that?

Is it a plane?

Is it a bird?

No, it's a ballad.

What? It's Tom.

He's got something to ask you.

Oh, my God, he's all over the place.

He's going to land over there.

Wagon through!

if you would do me the honour of marrying me.

I thought we discussed this.

Oh, for God's sake, say yes before that harness cuts his nuts off.

I said, will you marry me?

No.

Ah, well, so much for happy endings.