Original subtitles

Will you two old lizards get on with it? I'm freezing to death.

Basil says there's a vulture in the tree.

There is no vulture in the tree, Tom. Get on with it.

Basil! What?

You were distracting me so that you could move your ball.

You were doing a Diana.

I didn't move it. The earth suddenly tilted on its axis.

That's what moved it.

The earth moved?

Yes. Happens all the time when I'm around.

Ask Doris Figgins.

You are a filthy little ferret, Battle.

Thank you, Diana.

I try my best.

One day you're going to be in trouble for sexual harassment.

I already am.

Esme McSweeney's always harassing me.

That's not quite what I meant, Basil.

Pinches me bum all day, and then at night she climbs on top of a Zimmer

and sings disgusting sea shanties through my fan light.

Tom, there will come a day when you're clammy -handing some geriatric raver and

she'll accuse you of harassing her.

Not a chance. I never lay a hand on a knee until I see that knee trembling

desire. Oh, my God.

Quite right, Basil.

Us dashing young bucks got to treat the ladies right.

I always turn up on a white horse with my black cape and wearing a mask.

Ah, lone raider. No, no.

Zorro.

Olé!

Please get me out of this cartoon.

God, it's bloody freezing.

My joints are creaking.

Maybe we could go to Mexico.

Oh, God. One chance.

I remember once I was there with Errol Flynn. We had just drunk a couple of

bottles of tequila and had a knife fight down on the waterfront when Gene Harlow

said to me, Tom, you rugged, squash -buckling pirate, is that a sword

you have in your pocket or have you just ripped your trousers?

At least I think that's what she says.

Anyway, I might just give her a ring and find out what she's doing this weekend.

Oh, do be quiet, Tom.

Would you like to come along?

I'm sure old Flynn would fancy you. He's never been choosing.

Just go away, will you?

What's the matter with you today? You're crabbier than usual.

Hedgehog in your undies?

I want to be alone.

Someone else said that to me once.

Ha -ha!

That's probably her now.

Coming, Greta.

Hi, babe. What's shaking?

I have a good mind.

My health is average, but not totally debilitating.

What in God's name am I doing here on this bloody scrap heap?

Hello. Anyone in?

No, we're all dead and buried and gone to hell.

You're not?

Oh, never mind. I'm in no mood to ridicule and humiliate. you today.

Are you sick?

Yes. I'm sick of everything.

I'm sick of this place. I'm sick of my polymyalgia. I am sick of grubbing

in the dog ends of existence for a half -smoldering butt that will give me that

last hit before I slug down the final crate of antifreeze and cast myself onto

the bonfire of painful oblivion.

Oh, that doesn't sound very cheerful.

It's all right for you.

You're a simple -minded flannel.

has got the brains of a Barbie doll.

Basil's got his sex.

Tom has got his imaginary Hollywood friends. What have I got?

Just the clarity of vision to see what a futile waste of time and space we all

are. Aren't we being a teensy bit negative today?

No, we are being a teensy bit truthful.

It's all gone wrong.

What has?

Life, you nilly.

What is the point in increasing... our life expectancy if it just means we sit

around here for a million years with mushrooms growing out of our ears.

I like mushrooms.

We should all be born with sell -by dates stamped on our foreheads.

What's the point in sitting around gathering dust on the shelves? We should

bunged out the back, squelched in the rubbish compressor along with the

cardboard boxes and the rotten fruit.

How about a pill?

I've got these nice new ones.

Harvey got a job lot from...

be for malaria.

But Harvey says, if you take them with alcohol, they make you feel wonderful.

Battle said you wanted to see me.

Oh, yes.

Why is the heating off?

The heating? The heating, you parrot.

Well, it always goes off at the end of April.

But we are cold.

It is cold.

never heard the slogan keep warm to keep well harvey says it's not up to him it

says it's a stipulation of the board jane we the paying customers are

to shiver clatter and rattle like a bunch of half -cut castanets on an ice

you can have an electric fire one bar only of course oh yes and i carry it

room to room do i and bung it in the bath as well you tell harvey that if

heating is not on within half an hour, I'm going to come over there, slit him

the middle and shake his entrails out the window. Oh, darling!

Oh, to hell with this.

Tom?

James Fondue has just invited us round for a cheese fondue.

Well, tell her we're busy.

Sorry, Janie. Got the split.

Surf's up.

Come on, Tom. Who was that?

Marion, my new improved daughter -in -law, telling me how she has found a

of inner joy since she embraced the new age.

Oh, my God, all that love and peace.

Always makes me want to kill somebody.

Where are you going?

I'm sick of sitting around here in the slough of Despond.

I am going to get a job.

And what am I going to do?

Ride shotgun, of course. Come on.

Oh, dear.

I sense an imminent plunge into the awful abyss they call reality.

Oh. Hello.

Hello, is that... Is that warm and sensuous with private income of Sussex?

It is.

Oh, well, this is extraordinarily handsome of Bournemouth.

Yes, yes, that's the one. Six foot two, careless charm.

Baby, let me light your fire. Photo essential.

Oh, well.

I've never done this before, goodness me.

Where do we go from here?

What would I like to know about you?

Oh, well, I don't know. There's so many things I'd like to know about you.

I'm sure you're a fascinating person.

How much is your private income?

Jane, a woman just told me to tie a knot in my neck.

Just trying to find a proper wife isn't an easy business.

Maybe I ought to put up wonky potions. Good idea, Harvey.

Or maybe a hot air balloon with your picture on the side.

That should frighten the birds out of the sky.

Jane! I find this quest of yours very tasteless.

You don't find a wife by holding auditions or ringing up numbers in the

sport. You wait for your heart to speak to you.

What exactly do you want, Jane?

The residents want the heating on.

It's very chilly.

It isn't chilly, Jane.

It's bloody freezing.

It's May the 1st. Heating's off.

But they're shivering.

Basil says his blood supply is being diverted to quite the wrong parts of his

body.

He says it's ruining his reputation as number one hot shot honcho, whatever

means. Come on, Jane, you know me. I'm a man with a big heart.

I really do care for the dear old dear.

But I do have my percentages to think about. Every month I'm shaving the costs

here, trimming a bit there. Look, look, here are the minutes from the last board

meeting in Acapulco.

A post of thanks recorded to Leroy the barman, Miss Lola Montez and friends,

Harvey Baines, without whom none of this could have been possible.

I'm like that with them, Jane. I can't prejudice my position on the inside

by chucking their money away on senseless luxuries.

But you've got the... Heating on in here?

Well, yes, but it's not for me, Jane.

It's for the computer.

They're very sensitive devices.

Look, look, I don't get cold. Why?

Because every morning I get up and I go for a run to the gym.

Do the old ducks?

No, of course not. They're too lazy.

You get them jogging, Jane. That'll soon sort them out.

But many of them can't walk without a frame.

Don't look for problems, Jane.

Now, about your business.

Now, then.

Lavish Latin lover of Luton.

Maybe I could be a bus driver.

Not with your temper.

You'd never let anyone on.

Well, I need something.

Artist model?

Only for the surrealists.

How about a judge? They sit around a lot. Or an England cricketer. Tom, I am

fully convinced that you're taking this quest seriously.

Oh, I am. Honest. Serious job.

Right.

Why don't we offer ourselves as stunt doubles to Torval and Dean?

Ah, just the thing.

I hope 16 to 25 refers to Colossae.

Wait. Can I help you, madam?

Will you tell the manager I want to talk to him?

Sorry?

I want to speak to the manager. Will you get him for me? I'm the manageress.

You? Yes.

Doesn't it interfere with your homework?

Can I help you?

I have come about the job.

Your granddaughter, is it?

Oh, God, I'm getting out of here.

Diana, I've just seen a giraffe I once knew.

Is your husband all right?

He is not my husband. He is not all right, and the job is for me.

I'm sorry?

The job you are advertising, I am applying.

You? Yes. What is the job?

The cash register, mainly.

I can add up. I can sit on my bum all day. I've had plenty of experience.

You don't quite come into the age range.

That is illegal discrimination.

I don't think so.

Oh, yes. You can't put a sign in the window saying no blacks and no women.

can't put one up saying no old people.

Race and sex, true.

But there's nothing about age.

Oh, yes, there is.

There isn't.

Believe me, I have to know about these things.

I'm sure you could do the job, but it's a question of image.

We're trying to attract the young with money to spend on... The elderly also

have money to spend.

Despite governmental efforts, we are not all suffering from grovelling poverty.

Some of us have quite a stash to burn before we finally climb into the old

furnace. But not on leather miniskirts.

Will you put me on that desk in some of your gear? I might even start a trend.

Miniskirts for the instant.

You can make Varicose Veins the height of fashion.

Oh!

I get it!

You're with that Beedle bloke, aren't you?

There's a camera crew hidden in here somewhere.

Come on! I know you're here!

I'm not stupid sending some old duck in to pull me leg.

I think I'd be just right for the job. I've driven all the great trains, the

Orient Express, lots of murders and little Hercule Poirot scuttling up and

the corridors.

And then the Chattanooga choo -choo with Glenn Miller and a port -a -piece

orchestra in the dining car.

And, of course, Marlena and I were always mucking about in the Shanghai

Do you know Marlena Dietschy? Does she come to Bournemouth much?

All the time, man.

Listen, I think you're a little old to be a train driver, sir. Oh.

Well, next time.

Next time.

Right, man.

Wonderful.

I've seen this in recent movies, you see.

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

Well, that was great fun. Now I feel like a soul brother, and you think I'm a

honky -wally.

You don't go around speaking the truth like that, man. You could get locked up.

Don't worry.

I already am.

Thanks for the skin, bro.

Marlena Dietrich sure ran with a weird crowd.

What about this one?

Pizza delivery, boy.

You have to be able to drive a moped.

Shelf stacker? Now, what's that?

Someone who stacks shelves.

I know that. I'm not stupid.

What exactly are your qualifications?

Nearly 70 years as a human being.

Any particular job preference?

Diplomat. Racing driver.

Teenage sex surgeon priest.

You know if you earn over a certain amount, it will affect your pension.

Why? I've been paying out for that pension all of my life. They're merely

me back my money.

It's not supposed to stop me working, if I so desire.

I just followed the guidelines.

Which are specifically designed to put the elderly out of the workforce.

Same as you can't claim for childcare, so young mothers are pushed out of the

workforce. So that the nitwit government's unemployment figures won't

bad. I'm sorry, but I can't help you.

This place is government -run, isn't it?

Yes. Paid for by taxpayers?

Yes. I'm a taxpayer.

Yes. So I'm your employer, right?

Right. As your employer, I have decided that you are fired.

So, now there's a job vacancy here.

I'll take it.

Would you like to come and sit over here?

I'll take your place.

It's a very interesting little booklet here.

What,

oh?

Remember me, Tom Ballard, father of your crack salesman, Geoffrey Ballard?

I've come to do you a great favour.

Sorry about the heating, but I have spoken to Mr Baines about it. Oh, thank

The thing is, Alice, I can't contemplate a serious relationship until I know

that we're compatible in the old saccharine.

So, rather than going to the pictures, I thought we might go back to my pad and

play... French maids and wicked barons.

I'm glad we had this chap.

We warned him.

Is Tom coming in for lunch?

Oh, I haven't a clue.

He deserted me in my hour of need.

Probably wandering around the barren wastes of Bournemouth.

Oh, hello, the idiot cometh.

Morning, everybody.

Now, everything tickety -boo.

Don't tell me it's about the heating, isn't it? Yes.

Yes, well, you see, I'm very perceptive. Now, yes, I have to say that the

heating does appear to be on the blink, but I can assure you that it will be

fixed by the autumn.

In the meantime, I'd suggest plenty of exercise and trips down to the local

library, where I'm told the heating is on full blast.

There we are, Harvey's looking after you now. Everybody happy?

Many of us need to die before you turn the heating on, because I'm sure we

get some volunteers to keel over for the sake of the others. Diana!

And then, of course, we could always eat the dead ones. That should save a few

bobs. That's disgusting!

Not if you boil them for long enough.

Cannibalism is a perfectly valid last resort, though I must admit it is fairly

rare in the home counties.

But then again, in a society that allows its elderly citizens to freeze to death

every winter, who is going to worry about the odd Betty or Doris?

Oh, dear.

Or maybe a nice Harvey hot pot.

And certainly finger bowls would take on a whole new meaning.

That's enough, Diana.

Harvey, you are a lying little toad. There is nothing wrong with the heating,

and if it is not turned on within half an hour, we are all agreed that you will

be staked out naked on the croquet lawn, covered in golden syrup, and left to

the mercy of Fred's man -eating maggots.

Once again, Diana, thank you for your usual constructive comments.

You've really upset him. Oh, I haven't, have I?

Oh, dear. That's the last thing I wanted to do.

I can't believe it.

I'm losing my touch.

Iris Rouse turned me down.

I haven't had a knockback since.

1947. That was when those women with short hair and comfortable

shoes...

And how are you today, you dear old fellow?

All the better for seeing you, my lovely.

Sit down.

Are you in tune with your cosmic energies today?

Eh? Do you believe in the higher dimensions of consciousness?

Beg your pardon?

Are you a follower of New Age philosophy?

Well, I don't know.

How do they feel about lickovers?

Oh, hi. Yeah, is that the social column?

It is. Oh, good.

My name is Harvey Nigel Bain.

You've probably heard about me.

Polo player, international yachtsman, frequent guest at Balmoral.

You haven't? Oh, well, no, yeah, it's about your last issue. I see that on

six there's a photo of a group of charming young people at the Save the

Millions charity ball.

Yes, that's the one where they're chucking cake and vomiting over the

Yes, well, in the middle there is an honourable Lucy Fenwick sign.

She's the one with the geranium in her teeth and the minor roar squeezing her

left breast.

Well, it's just that Lucy and I happen to be old chums and I was just wondering

whether you could give me her telephone number.

I am not a common little oik.

Yes, come in.

Good morning, Geoffrey. What can I do for you?

You've let him out. Who?

My dad.

This is not a prison, Geoffrey. The inmates are allowed to come and go if

please.

Now, what's happening?

He's got a job.

What, as top loony in the local bin?

As a quality control expert at my firm.

Does he know anything about it? No.

He lied through his teeth and said I'd vouch for his past experience.

Well, what do you expect me to do about it? Tell him to pack it in.

Chain him up before he ruins the company and I lose my job.

I have no influence over Tom.

Well, who has?

I wish I hadn't asked that question.

Quality control expert?

Yes. What do you know about quality control?

I know what I like and I don't like the mango yoghurts. I had a whole lorry load

condemned today.

It said they had the wrong pH count.

What's that?

I don't know.

Something they look for in swimming pools, I think.

Tom! I'm also getting them to introduce a programme of jobs for the elderly.

Oh, can you drive a forklift?

How about it, then, my little chickadees? You should try transforming

essential spirit within to a more ethereal... Oh, I'm very good at it. I

letters from satisfied plants.

We must transcend the bodily desires.

Oh, I give that to university.

I've got an M .A. in bodily functions.

Come on.

She's at it again.

For God's sake, Marion, this is an old man.

Leave him alone.

He attacked me. Oh, don't be ridiculous, Marion. Look at him. He couldn't harm a

fly. Really, you're ashamed of yourself.

Stop all this ravaging stranger's nonsense.

I'll leave you alone for one minute and you're back to your old ways.

Oh, God.

I think I need a drink. Me too.

Thirsty work, eh?

Come on, dear. Have to see Dan.

Well,

I think your job is wonderful, Tom. Just goes to prove what me and Mr Barnum

have maintained all along.

There really is one born every minute.

Diane? Oh, hello, Geoffrey. I was just talking about you.

Oh, Marion!

Peace and light.

Thank you, Diana. I wish to speak to my father in private on a matter of extreme

urgency. Marion?

Oh, yes.

Diana, can I talk to you also in private?

Name, rank and number, Tom. Nothing else.

Right -o, Dickie.

I always call a Dickie after Mr Attenborough, Dan. He got us all out of

you know. Dan, you have to give up this job.

So, what's your problem, Marion?

Fog in your crystal ball?

Diana, I'm sure you are aware of the evolution of the complex macromolecules

that go up to make this dear planet of ours. Oh, my God.

The transformed self combined with the synergy increase is the way to the

universal oneness. You've been listening to too many dolphins.

Get to the point!

Your aura has taken on a purple tinge.

Are you constipated?

Why not?

Would you like to come down with me to the Alternative Health Centre?

Wednesdays is the do -it -yourself colonic irrigation day.

Marion, when I want to use a garden hose for unnatural purposes, I will let you

know.

How about some nice aromatherapy? Neither do I want to be covered in

smelly oils.

Camphor oil is wonderful for flatulence. Do you mind?

And lavender oil will rid you of all your boils, warts and verrucus.

What do you want?

It's about my fellow traveller.

Little Jeffy. You'd take more than lavender oil to get rid of that little

His aura has come quite puce since Tom got that job.

Oh, I see.

Forget it.

So you have to resign, Dad.

I mean, it's just not on.

In a couple of days they'll realise you're totally bogus and the police will

called. You'll be sued, I'll be fired.

No money, get behind on the mortgage payment, house repossessed.

We'll all have to move in here.

Oh, no, not that.

I quit. I quit.

Oh, no, you don't, Tom. You've got this job on your own initiative.

God knows how, but I suppose if they employ old slab brain here, they'll

anyone. Hush, Diana.

I have a wee idea which might solve all our problems.

I thought you were supposed to be getting her on our side.

Her morphogenetic field is full of negative ions.

What does that mean? She's a cow.

Geoffrey, after careful consultation with my business affairs advisor, I have

decided to agree to your request.

Oh, Dad, thank you.

But it's going to cost you. Oh, God, how much?

I've dipped into my own pocket to get the heating sorted out, and I have

informed the board. Now, no more.

Yes, that's very funny.

Very funny.

Harvey's still claiming the credit, saying he's paying for the extra ten

heating.

Harvey, Geoffrey, what's the difference? They're both rat droppings from behind

the old fridge of life.

I'm just sorry we had to bargain away your job.

Never had a job anyway.

Well, you don't think anyone in their right mind is going to take in some old

duffer who wanders in off the street, do you? But Jeffrey was absolutely... Oh,

Jeffrey's a clod.

I told him I was working for his firm, and he believed me.

But I believed you, too.

Me, too. I believe me.

I always believe me. Sometimes it gets quite confusing.

I remember once telling a fellow I was a brain surgeon, and the chappy next to

us fell down.

Brain tumour, everyone said.

Golly, I thought.

Just as well I'm a cracked brain surgeon. So I pulled out my trusty

sawed off the top of his skull and performed a very intricate 18 -hour

operation. There I was, up to my elbows in grainy bits, machines, pumping,

nurses swabbing my mouth and brow.

Fortunately, the world went to chest, and I'm about to live to 104. So it just

goes to show that positive thinking and self -delusion really works.

Mind you, there was a time when I tended to be a famous bullfighter, when, much

to my embarrassment, a very irate cow came into the pub.