Original subtitles

loved me.

I meant I leak inwards, not outwards. My skin is porous. That's why I never go

out in the rain. I get waterlogged.

I thought I was a daft one.

Tom! What?

Drown yourself.

No, I won't.

get out of here.

Diana!

What? Are you in?

No, I've gone down to the shops.

Oh, all right. I'll come back later.

I must. I must get out of here.

What do you want, Jane?

No, it's all right. I'll wait till you get back.

It is like living in Salvador Dali's dustbin.

Jane, I...

I believe he's renegotiating the 1918 Treaty of Versailles in order to avoid

Second World War.

Well, that sounds very constructive.

It's pretty you can do something more useful, like stopping a war, instead of

making fun of me all the time.

What do you want, Jane?

Harvey is very upset.

Oh, jolly good.

That suit cost him 500 pounds.

Oh, yes. And was that the 500 pounds that he miraculously won on the new

dialysis machine raffle?

£500 he has saved on catering since he started feeding us dead dog and tarmac

stew every day.

Diana, you do him wrong.

Harvey is a good, kind, honourable man.

He is a thieving little toad with all the morality of a rabbit on an 1830

holiday.

His patience is not endless, you know.

One day you'll push him too far.

That is the only thing that keeps me alive.

you this last outrage if you agree to take part in his latest scheme.

Oh, my God, what is it this time? Not more wheelchair ballroom dancing.

That was very popular.

It was disastrous. During the Gay Gordons, three people lost a leg. Oh,

didn't what?

Conga line ended up wheeling out onto the M3.

Twisted metal, blue tulle and sequins all over the place.

Mary!

Motivated idea.

Nonsense. He was just trying to kill off all those people who still needed care.

You wait. He'll have them trapped to their chairs and be dragging them off

compulsory skydiving.

He wants to bring in some young people.

Ah, I knew it. At last, he has worked out that the thing that makes an old

people's place unprofitable is the old people.

So, replace them with young people. Brilliant. Bring on a dancing

Have you finished?

Barely started.

I had this wonderful idea that the reason old people feel old is the lack

young people around them.

No, no, no. That's what makes them feel happy.

Most old people, at least this one, detect the young.

Oh, if you wanted to bring in some students to sort of liven things up a

get you all to interrelate with the local community.

That was my idea.

Oh, hello, Tom.

Is there war often?

War? What war?

The Second World War.

I thought they'd already had it.

Yes, but haven't you been in Versailles trying to rewrite the end of the First

World War Treaty in order to stop the Second World War, which we've already

Oh, I don't know. I seem to be getting a bit confused.

What is the matter with her?

It's a sexual frustration.

If it doesn't find an outlet, it tends to back up her system, then she blows a

fuse all over the place.

Diana?

Right, right, Jane.

Diana, don't be mean to the poor girl. Oh, thank you, Tom.

Was he any good?

Is he a genuine brunette?

We don't want young people around here. I like young people. I was young once.

No, you weren't. You were born aged 65 with more wrinkles than an elephant's

scrotum.

So,

what does Marmy Chops want this time?

He says he wants to have a chat with us.

We're not having Tom home.

Oh, look, hitchhikers.

Run them over.

I think we'll be a little Christian today, dear.

Are you out of your mind?

Hi. Not going anywhere near Bayview Retirement Home, are you?

We're going right there.

Hop in. Thanks.

They'll murder us.

They're very kind of you.

Most charming.

And when they've killed you...

In fact, I'll be dragged off into the woods and have my clothes torn from me.

Come

on,

little birdies.

Come on.

That was one of the most blatantly malevolent acts I have ever seen. Oh, I

get them.

I'm just restructuring their image of the elderly.

Oh, sweet old things.

No, some of us are right vicious old bats.

Precisely. Being unpleasant is not just the prerogative of the young.

It's not to learn the lesson.

But do you think that the average sparrow really comprehends the deeper

complexities of that lesson?

Who cares?

As I thought, you really enjoy being nasty.

The monsters are here.

Oh, goodness, how the children have grown.

It seemed like only yesterday they were seven and eight, and here they are now,

prices older than prices many.

Do shut up. They're not their children.

Oh, good.

Both I have mislaid the odd decade.

Harvey's young people come to interrelate with us.

What does that mean?

Bore us to death.

What's Marion doing?

She seems to have fainted into the arms of that young man.

He's giving her the kiss of life. Yes.

She's supposed to kiss him back.

Silly me.

How is she? It must have been the heat. It's actually quite chilly, dear.

Something else then, wasn't it?

I can't help it if I have a bit of a faint.

Just as well that young man was there to catch me with his strong, young,

rippling arm.

What's the problem this time?

Diana tried to kill me.

She didn't.

She got Tom to pretend to drown him. She pushed me in.

My Giorgio Armani has shrunk.

Sir Geoffrey's years ago.

She's going to kill Tom one of these days. Oh, good. Shut up, Marion.

What do you want us to do? We've tried every which way of getting rid of her,

but she's still here.

We haven't tried moral grounds. There is no morals clause in the residence

contract. Ah, yes, but this land is gifted to us by the church, and as such

are bound to obey this... Oh, yes, this book of guidelines for use of church

land.

Oh, look, it's in Old English.

See here.

Whoforever fell refied on this land...

Must not be a known fornicator, adulterer or cattle thief.

God, what a boring place.

Diana is not a cattle thief.

No, not there. The final paragraph.

Nor must there be any behaviour on this land deemed corrupting in any way

whatsoever.

When were these things written?

1543? Yes, but they're still perfectly valid. You're out of your mind. This

would never stand up in court today.

You'd better get to you. This'll never work.

We do have two church commissioners on the board. But Diana's not going to rush

out and steal cattle. No, but if she were caught corrupting someone, they'd

to throw her out.

Some sort of young person.

I'm not sure I'm quite with this.

Oh, God, you're sick.

He wants to catch Diana shacked up with some young buck stud.

Well, you know, all chipped teeth and chains and greasy hair and...

biceps and... the jacket and... Oh, God.

Where on earth are you going to find someone like that?

So, there they all were in this railway carriage, the German high command, a bit

down in the dumps. Saying they'd just lost the war.

Right.

Everyone was amigunering when I came up with my master plan.

What, nuke the lot of them?

No, Diana.

I was trying to prevent conflict.

Well, if you blow up the generals and the politicians, you would prevent

conflict. I suggested tiddlywinks.

Tiddlywinks? Yes.

Whenever there was conflict, the countries involved would send their best

tiddlywinkers to fight it out in some convenient stadium, like Wembley.

Winner take all, like a title fight.

And what did they say to that?

They all made farty noises and threw me out.

That's why we had the Second World War. Yes, I'm sure it was.

Alice, you've been here. Bob and Carol, this way.

Tom, Diana, I brought some young people to meet you. Bob and Carol, Tom and

Diana. Ah, sweet bloom of you.

Hello. Delighted to meet you.

Now, do sit down. Oh, yes.

Deidre, would you get up for a minute?

Thank you very much. Go on, have a seat.

Bobby and Carol are doing social studies at the local polytechnic, so I'm sure

you'll have lots to talk about.

Well, away you go then. Chat, chat, chat.

Terry Young, come this way.

Well, isn't it fun?

Great fun.

Isn't it fun, Diana? No, it is not fun.

Look, I've got nothing against either of you personally. I'm sure both you and

your social studies are extremely worthy.

But I have no desire to be part of anyone's project.

Look, you are young.

We are old.

There are vast...

unbridgeable chasms between us.

And I have no intention of wasting my time being the subject of such blatant

tokenism.

Oh.

Take no notice of her, Carol. She was weaned by wolves and ate brown glass

sandwiches. She gives gangrene a good name and bites the heads off... Thank

Tom.

I'd heard she was a rather brilliant photographer.

Really? And where did you hear that?

I'm quite keen on photography myself.

I've got your book, Postcards from Asia.

And how did you know it was me?

The picture on the back cover.

You recognised me from a 25 -year -old photograph?

Well, you haven't changed much.

Tom!

I'm sure these charming young people would love a glass of wine.

Great idea.

Agnes!

You whop it down quick, it only takes out your back teeth.

I'm sorry, Bob, but what do you mean?

What I said, I can't go through with it. Why on earth not?

Diana is a nice lady.

No, she's not. She's a vicious old hatchet.

Look, you promised me a place here for my old gran when one became available.

Yeah, and she'll get one. Well, then you told me about this really nasty lady

who you wanted to get rid of and how I could be of help.

Right, but where's the problem?

I just can't do it.

She's OK.

I like her.

We are talking about Diana Trent.

Yes.

£500.

Now, that's an awfully long holiday on the sun -soaked beaches of Ibiza, and a

happy haven for your granny in her twilight years.

Are you such fun to corrupt?

I was good, you know.

Oh, yes.

Oh, I'd forgotten that one.

Dien Bien Phu.

Bless you.

In Vietnam.

No one was allowed to enter, but I got in.

I seducing a helicopter pilot.

Not while he was driving it, I trust.

Bob was right.

I was still quite a looker in those days.

1967.

Great year, 1967.

I was a hippie flower child living on the west coast of Croydon.

Yes, of course you were. Mr Easy Rider himself.

Right. I put on my shades.

I kick -started the old Morris Minor and set off to find the true heart of

America. And where did you find it?

in a dusty gas station just south of Bathingstone.

It was high noon.

Oh, don't forsake me, oh, my darling.

Oh, for God's sake, Tom, will you stop mixing your movies?

You've got me a headache just trying to keep up with you.

You've got a headache because you banged down two bottles of that Chateau

Casawaki. You shouldn't think, you know.

There's nothing more grotesque than watching an old mudcrab like yourself

to behave like La Coquette.

But I was not.

And I saw you.

He looked into your eyes and told you you were still a very attractive woman.

And suddenly it was all chest out, stomach in, and flushing like ten

a row.

No. I was just having an interesting conversation with a young man.

Old enough to be his grandmother.

Exactly, yes. But some young men like older women.

Like that fellow in Psycho.

That was his mother and she was dead.

Well, you're in with a chance then.

I find this exchange extremely tasteless.

I was merely having a decent conversation with someone who was

At least he wasn't telling me how he would have won the Crimean War.

I think he tickled your fancy. Let's just drop it, shall we?

Probably never see them again anyway.

Got their own lives to lead. They've salved their consciences for a while.

Won't even think about us again.

Maybe in 50 years, when they wake up and find themselves in a place like this,

some memory echo might let them recall us, who have long since parked

to dust and been blown away on the winter wind.

Totally forgotten.

Oh, do cheer up.

I can't. I've got no reason to.

Hello? Anyone in?

Bob, come in.

Hi, Di.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Tom. Hi, Lily.

Hi, Lily.

Hi, Lily. Hi, Lily. Hi, Lou.

Take no notice. He's quite gaga.

That's me, Gaga McLoopy, at your service.

Must be off.

Never let him see that I was Hamish the Gooseberry.

Hawkeye the New, as they say in Cardiff.

And he was once a famous diplomat. Yes, he caused the Second World War.

So, what brings you round here then, Bob?

Well, I was just about to go for a bit of a walk. I was wondering if you might

like to come with me.

A walk?

Yes, I'd love a chat.

Oh, sure. Great idea.

Usually go for a bit of a hike about now. Oh, terrific.

Do you want your stick? Stick? What stick?

Oh, no, no, that's not my stick. That's Tom's stick.

Here. Poor old soul.

Right.

Let's burn a little shoe leather. Right.

Tears before bedtime.

Well, you are a pillar, can't you?

Oh, go boil your head.

Tripping across the field like a 17 -year -old land girl? It had nothing to

with my going for a walk. It was the west wind.

Oh. Makes my hip play up.

Oh, yes, of course. West wind.

Nothing to do with you being an old creaky tub long since bound for the

breaker's yard.

Oh, bite your bum.

So, what happened?

Did young Heathcliff have his way with the decrepit old Miss Havisham?

We went for a walk. He told me one or two interesting things.

We had a cup of tea and then I tagged back here.

Oh, how boring.

I thought you might be Tessa the Dovervilling all over the place. No,

to Lucretia Bouldering, thank you.

What are you up to?

I can't think what you mean.

Hello? Anyone in? We've done all those jokes, Geoffrey.

Hello, boy. What's up?

I've just been seeing the old Harvey.

Then you'll want to wash your hands.

He had a rather good idea.

He's going to lobotomise himself.

He thought that because the young person thing was so popular that you should

all get together again socially.

So we're going to have a fruit cup and a knees up at our place.

Good idea, eh? Oh, to the highlight of the social calendar.

I'm sure Nigel Dempster is on red alert even as we speak.

Will there be hard drugs and soft women?

Dad, please.

Is Bob invited?

Oh, yes.

Top of the list. I think he's taken a bit of a shine to you, Diana.

Well, we'll be there with bells on. I fancy a bit of rock and roll.

But you're hip. I know I am. That's why I'll be there.

What?

Oh.

Oh, I've got it. Play on words.

Pun.

Hip. Hip.

All right.

Oh, Geoffrey, do stop being such an old woman.

Of course it will work.

Yes, yes, all right. I'll buy the drink.

And if we get rid of Diana, I'll give your charming wife enough paint stripper

to keep her eyeballs rolling for a month.

Bye -bye, Geoffrey.

Cave dweller.

Never mind.

If young Bob pulls it off, I'll be a man without a care in the world.

Hello, Harvey. Just hang on to the worthwhile.

Is it really you, Jane?

Oh, yes, Harvey.

Then why are you wearing something from a 50s horror movie?

I'm wearing my best party frock.

Why? I heard there was going to be a party tonight.

Thought you might like an exotic siren on your arm. So, here I am. Oh, Jane.

I have an image to keep up here, Jane.

I can't be seen out in public with something that looks like a reject from

Christmas tree.

Harvey? Yes, Jane?

I've been going through this week's accounts.

Oh, yes?

Arthur Jones.

Ah, dear old Arthur.

Harvey, Arthur isn't dead.

Not dead?

You mean he's recovered?

Oh, jolly good.

And I'm not sure the board would fully comprehend £600 residence outing to

Emporio Armani, Knightsbridge.

Ah.

Jane. Yes, Harvey?

What are you doing this evening, Jane?

Oh, what a surprise.

I don't know. Better check my diary.

Yeah,

when I finish

my exams, I want to travel for a while before I get into a full -time job.

Never work to live, Bob.

Always live to work.

You don't find yourself in a job you don't love with a passion.

Die young and you'll be miserable.

I had a fabulous job. I still managed to be miserable.

That is just a pose, Dinah. You just like being contrary.

I'd fool you, can I?

But we can fool everyone else. We certainly can.

Oh, God, how disgusting.

What's disgusting, dear, apart from your vol -au -vent?

Well,

look at the old witch. She's all over that lovely young man.

Yeah, it's going well, isn't it?

Darling, you'll probably catch something.

If you'll excuse me, I must copulate.

Circulate.

Marion does know what's going on, doesn't she? It's six o 'clock and a

gins. Marion hasn't a clue what's going on.

Hello, Harvey.

Jane, you're touching me.

I know.

Wave it a bit longer. We'll get your camera ready.

Jane, they're playing your song. Go on, go and have a singy -singy.

Come on, then, Geoff.

I'm not sure about all this. Oh, be a man, Geoffrey.

Yes, that's what Marion's always saying.

Actually, I'd rather be a tortoise. Just pull your head into your shell, the

whole world goes away.

Camera, Geoffrey.

Hello.

Hi, Marion.

Oh, it's a lovely party.

You don't have to talk to the old battle knight, you know.

Oh, but I love talking to Diana.

Young fella like you.

What you need is a young woman.

You're 38, Marion. You're twice Bob's age.

I'm not 500 times his age.

I just thought you might like to spend some time with a real woman.

Well, isn't Diana a real woman?

Of course not.

She's got more spare parts than a cuda factory.

Please, don't leave my side. I find you desperately attractive.

Hello, I'm back.

Oh, we did miss you.

Have a drink.

OK, Geoff, I'll do the lights, you go for your light. I can't do it. What?

It's immoral.

Yeah? I can't do it.

You're a bag of wet cement, Geoffrey, give me that. You do the light.

In the cold.

Roll me over, lay me down and do it again.

Oh, Bob.

Wonderful, wonderful, Bob. That's brilliant, brilliant.

Yeah, yeah, well done, well done.

Diana will be out before she can say naughty nookie.

You bet Bob and Diana going hammer and tongs.

You were in there.

So who's in the bedroom?