Original subtitles

Oh, look at this, Antonio.

Your bulbs are upside down, you fool.

Votre fleurs sont... What is the French for upside down?

Quel est le français for upside down?

It's Portuguese, Diana.

I do not speak Portuguese, Jane.

Will you please not confuse the issue?

Bad enough trying to communicate with this sardine -sucking incompetence

getting slapped around like a bat on heat.

Look!

Upside down, oh!

What are you trying to do, make them pop up in Sydney?

Go on.

Oh, God, how did Vasco de Gama ever make it home?

Mr Baines did ask you not to throw things at the staff.

It's very bad for morale if the people they're trying to care for keep

them.

What do you want, Jane?

Two things.

There's a new resident joining us.

Oh, another condemned soul coming across the sticks.

Her name's Daisy Williams, and she's very sweet.

So knock that out of her.

Harvey asked if you'd like to show her round.

Me? Why?

He thinks it'd be nicer to have an actual resident helping people get

acquainted. Sounds like a halfway decent idea.

How on earth did the cretin Baines come up with that? I thought he was still

struggling with his reading lessons.

Well, I might have sowed the seeds.

I thought so.

Smacked of your clotted cream, gooey niceness oozing all over the carpet.

Thanks, Diana.

What was your second point?

It's Tom.

Oh, my God, what's he up to now?

He won't get out of bed.

No. Well, he's away, isn't he? Off on his endless travels through his library

B movies.

He's been caught at the Antarctic all week.

Couldn't get near the bloody fridge.

Tom?

Tom, where are you?

Tom, Jane Russell is outside in her swimwear.

Wondered if you would like a quick dip?

I haven't seen Jane Russell.

Just go away, Jane, and leave this to me.

Harvey's getting his son over.

You hear that, Tom? They're bringing in your idiot son and his revolting wife.

Now, if you're still unconscious, Marion will kill you for scrap.

Tom?

Ground control to Captain Tom.

What's up, old stick?

Oh, Diana.

Tom, what is it?

Oh, Diana.

Yes?

Oh, Diana.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

What is the matter with you?

I feel a bit lost, Diana.

Round here or at the South Pole?

Here. Well, why aren't you getting out of bed?

That doesn't seem much point.

No, of course there's no point.

There is no point in the entire universe. There is no point in the

the vacuum from whence it came.

No point or purpose in anything.

No design, no nothing.

Nothing and then more nothing.

I only said I didn't want to get out of bed.

Why not?

I'm lonely.

I am on my own.

Oh, no, you're not.

You've just got a fit of the blues.

Happens to us all at our age.

You know what I do when I feel really down?

I get up, I get dressed, I go out, and I do something really vile to someone.

Mobile library will be due here soon. Why don't we go and drive her up the

I miss my wife.

What, your real wife?

Yes, dear Maggie. She slipped away from me 15 years ago.

Yesterday. Oh, I see. I mean, you could be surrounded with people all day,

chattering away, doing things, but there comes a moment when you climb into bed,

switch out the light, and you're on your own.

No one to share a thought with, no one to share a hope with, no one to share

darkness. All alone.

Lonely.

Well, I can see today is going to be a bundle of laughs.

He miffed his mummy.

According to Diana.

But she's been dead and buried for 15 years.

Well, she was cremated, actually.

She's in a tin in the potting shed.

God almighty.

She was a strange woman.

I found a sort of impression.

She didn't like me. Oh, surely not.

Anyway, if we could get to the point, I do have a migraine coming on. Try

cutting your head off. That should fix it.

What do you want us to do?

I thought maybe a change of scenery might cheer him up a bit. I thought

you could take him home with you for a while.

What? With us?

To our house?

Well, why not?

I just had the carpet shampooed.

What?

He's old.

He hasn't got full control of all his bowels. He leaps.

Jane, get me a machete. I have to do a headache to me.

Not now, Diana.

Come on, dear. We'll have a chat with him.

I suppose it's monstrous genetic throwbacks like her that make the human

totally incapable of making any real progress.

Yeah, she's an interesting woman.

Daisy Williams is arising.

Ah, the new internee.

Tell him to hold the dogs and let her through the wire. I'm coming right down.

What is going on?

The new instruction scheme.

Diana's going to show around.

Diana? We agreed.

Her current residence... Yes, but a decent resident.

Not Diana Foulmouth Trent.

God, Jane, I thought I was stupid until I met you.

Oh, you are, Harvey.

I mean it, not Harvey.

Of course you're not. I'm the one that's stupid.

You're not nearly as stupid as I am. Jane, you're touching me.

Sorry.

Well,

you don't mind if I smoke, do you? No, of course not.

I've still got full power of one lung.

Besides, I've always had a yen for emphysema.

It's what took my dear Maggie off.

I'd feel an extra closeness if we both died of the same disease.

We both miss Mummy too, Dad, don't we, Marion?

Oh, yes, yes.

Lovely lady.

But she has had a good run.

And we can't all sit in bed forever just because someone dies.

You should find yourself a hobby.

When my pet hamster died, I took up Japanese paper folding.

Origami.

Well, that's what it was called.

The paper folding, not my hamster.

God. Let me handle this, Marion.

Why don't you go and plump up the cushions?

Oh, right -o.

Oh, Geoffrey, how could you let a thing like that into your life?

She has a good point, I suppose.

I remember when your mother first met her, she came to me and she said, Tom,

that was my name then.

It still is, Dad.

Tom, she said, Geoffrey is going to marry the Wicked Witch of the West.

I'm sure she didn't, Dad.

No, probably not.

She was far too kind to be really honest.

You're going to have to come to terms with it, Dad, being on your own. Unless,

of course, you weren't on your own.

Not now, dear. No, no, no.

What does she mean?

Well, you could always find someone else.

Oh, I could never do that.

Oh, why not?

Oh, you don't have to get married these days.

I'm sure the countryside is littered with old ducks on their own.

Who knows?

One of them might have a tidy little thumb.

I mean, living here on your own.

Not cheap, you know. I do pay for myself.

Oh, yes, of course you do. But the money could be used elsewhere.

You do have a family, after all.

Have you ever thought of cheese wire round the neck?

What did he say?

He's talking about grotting, you dear.

Nice.

The building has at times been a monastery and a

lunatic asylum.

I've now managed to combine the two in this aberration known as the Bayview

Retirement Village for the almost dead.

was designed by an architect who was obviously under heavy medication at the

time.

Much like that insipid, clot -headed shyster who runs the place now.

Right, Harvey Baines.

Believed to be a member of the human race, the decision is under appeal.

He's aided and abetted by that harmless animated flannel, Jane Edwards.

We all enjoy making her life a total misery.

Aren't you being rather frightful?

I beg your pardon?

You do seem to me to be the most extraordinarily offensive person.

Oh.

Thank you very much.

Let's do the inside of the stalag now, shall we?

And this is the communal trough.

foodstuffs considered unfit for human consumption end up here.

See this yogurt?

Sell -by date is in Roman numeral, we will.

Ah!

Say hello...

If it's not too much of a strain on your vocabulary. We have met. It's Rose,

isn't it? Daisy, actually.

Such a lovely name. My mother was called Rose. And this is Jenny, who runs the

dining room and does the lobotomy.

Take no notice of her, Mrs. Williams.

Diana is a very warped person.

I think she just enjoys trying to shock people.

It's a common trait amongst the ill -mannered and ill -bred.

Ill -bred?

Yes. Which is your table?

Well, it's this one.

Right. Well, then, I think I will sit over there.

Jenny. Good day to you, Miss Trent. It is myth, isn't it? I wouldn't imagine

that anyone of your sour disposition could ever have been married.

Well, well, well.

Looks like you met your match there, eh, Diana?

Just go away or I'll kill you, Harvey.

Oh, how charming.

Death threats in the dining room. Go away, right -o. Why not? I'm not

What -o, Diana?

Have you got up?

Yes. I've found a new solution to my problems. We must have a chat. Will you

join me for yum -yums?

No, thank you. I'm not hungry.

What's going on up here?

What, oh?

My name is Scott, Captain Scott.

And these are my two faithful huskies.

I'm very pleased to meet you.

Why don't you park your sleigh and come and join us?

Ill -bred.

Ill -mannered, fine, but ill -bred.

Just bloody rude.

Now look what she's done.

That's one china doll that means shoving off the mantelpiece.

Hello, old thing.

You missed a great lunch. It's Thursday. I missed a dead rabbit.

No, no.

I mean that new girl, Daisy Williams.

What a sport.

She had us in fits with her parodies of Kipling.

Oh, jolly good. Bang another hockey stick on the fire.

Got some grand stories. And she knew Shaw.

Sandy? No, George Bernard.

Oh.

So she is as old as she looks. But as young as she feels.

Oh, my God. Show them a petticoat.

Her husband was an army waller.

Died last year.

Has she never heard of sutty?

What? It's a charming old Indian custom whereby the wife throws herself on the

dead hubby's bonfire.

Oh, you're not being a little negative about her, are you, Diana?

Negative? Me?

No. Of course not. I'm absolutely delighted.

I've always wanted a real -life Major Barbara banging about the place, telling

me what common muck I am.

Was there something you wanted, Tom?

Yes, actually, there was.

Well, speak up, man.

I was wondering if you would like to shack up with me.

I'm sorry, Tom, I don't think I heard you correctly. I thought you asked me

to... shat up with you. Do correct me if I'm wrong.

No, that's it.

Well, if you would like to place your head upon the floor, I will endeavour to

kick it clean off your shoulders.

Oh, no, Diana. I don't mean the Humpty Dumpty Inky Pinky Harley Voo Hoops Golly

Hoops for Tennis Bits. Do you mean sex?

No, Diana.

There's no point in having a language which encourages the use of...

Complex euphemisms. If you come charging along using words like what you've just

said. What do you want, Tom? I just meant the living together bit.

Living together? What, you and me?

Yes, we almost do already.

Remember when I came here first, there was a little floral barrier between us?

Well, that's gone now.

I mean, we would only need one kitchen, one bathroom, one bedroom. One bedroom?

Two beds.

Then I wouldn't feel lonely.

And you'd have a man about the place.

A man about the place. Yes, but mainly think of the money we'd save.

Ah, the money.

Yes, so what do you say?

Would you care to give me a little while to think about your wonderful offer?

I do.

Antonio?

on the shelf.

They get bitter and twisted and turn on everyone and then on themselves and

finally go mad.

Are you married, Miss Edwards?

No, not.

Excuse me.

Hello, Jane.

Goodbye, Jane.

Strange girl.

What's the matter with her?

Probably something I said. It usually is. I have a tendency to speak my mind.

Say what I think.

Why don't you stand up straight?

What's the matter with this place? L .M .F.

Lack of moral fibre.

My late husband, Charlie, would soon have whipped this lot into shape.

Your late husband?

Tell me, do you miss him?

Is it that obvious?

No, not at all.

Frankly, I fail to see the point in outliving him.

We were a unit.

The colonel and his second -in -command.

We did everything the right way at the right time.

We worked for the country. This country.

All our lives. We were owed... We were owed our time together

at the end.

But we didn't get it, did we?

Lonely.

Yes.

Very lonely.

Still, not much one can do about that, is there?

I mean, it's not as though one were foreign and could weep and wail all over

place. Oh, no, right.

Stiff upper thingies.

If you don't hold your head up properly, you'll get a stoop when you get older.

Sorry.

So, have you thought about my offer, Diana?

Are we to become live -in...

That's definitely my room.

My conservatory.

But not my wall.

Excuse me, wall.

How do you do?

My name is Scott, but you can call me Tom.

Now, look, this is nothing personal, wall. It's just that I think you are at

wrong address.

What's that?

Diana put you there.

I thought she might have done.

Any idea why?

No?

Maybe we'd better ask her.

Hello?

do you want?

Nothing. Nothing.

Good.

What do you want?

Correct me if I'm wrong, Diana.

I know I do sometimes stray from the rigid paths of perceived reality. I know

that I also have occasional hiccups in my logical progressions. I know that.

What do you want?

Is this a wall here?

It is.

In actual...

Real life?

Yes.

I see.

And it is erected at your instigation?

Yes. You are desirous to emulate the Emperor Hadrian?

Only when there are barbarians next door.

What have I done?

You've no idea, have you?

It is something I said.

break her fingers.

Diana, why don't you have a sing -song?

I have never heard a sing -song in my life, Jane.

I'm quite capable of reading without the assistance of a bandit.

That is a wooden partition.

Brilliant, Harvey. We all thought it was a bit of fish.

I mean it is an unauthorised wooden partition.

That's hardly the point. It is very much the point. It contravenes all building

and fire regulation.

I mean, what would he do if a fire broke out here? You tell me that, Jane.

I expect he'd step out of the window here.

Nobody asked you, Jane.

It'll have to go.

The problem, Harvey, is not the wall itself.

But the reason it is there, why did Diana put it up at all?

To upset me, of course. Everything that woman ever does is done to upset me. Oh,

she told me that was too easy.

She's bored with that.

This is because of me, I think. Well, why don't you ask her?

She won't tell me. Well, what do you expect me to do about it?

My job is to run this place efficiently and economically without illegal

partitions popping up all over the place.

Personal problems are not my area at all. Well, whose area are they?

Yes, now sort it out, Jane.

Diana's gone too far this time. Now you tell that vicious old stoat I want this

wall removed, okay?

Hello, Diana.

Yoo -hoo!

I said, you...

You don't want to swear at me?

No.

Nice wall you've got there.

Sit. Sorry? Sit down.

Right.

You want to know why I have built a wall between myself and Tom?

Well, you know... Yes.

Awesomely improbable as it may seem, Jane, you and I have something in

We do?

What is it?

We're women.

We are single women.

And likely to remain that way.

Oh, Diana.

The only difference is that whereas I am happily resigned to my connubial

solitude, you cling desperately to the hope that that idiot Baines will one day

park his Gucci slippers beneath your sorry cot.

That's very cruel, Diana.

My relationship with Harvey is purely business.

I just happen to admire him from afar for the fine human being that he is.

Good God.

Well, anyway, Jane, even though we are single, it does not mean that we like

being taken for granted.

It does not mean that we don't like to be courted.

It does not mean that we like to be treated like some money -saving device.

It does not mean that we are open to callous invitations to shack up with

someone.

Nobody's ever asked me to shack up with them.

No, well, they have me.

Oh.

You mean... Oh.

I don't blame Tom.

He's daft. He's away with the fairies most of the time.

Runs on a different gauge track to the rest of us.

But until now, he's always been possessed of a certain goodness of

I've done my best to make him see how awful life is, but thank God he's always

come smiling through, through innocent.

This time he has hit the buffers and I was standing right in front of them.

And I'm not amused.

But will you forgive them?

Yes, of course I will.

Eventually.

Maybe I could help.

Yes, maybe you could.

Diana, I'm getting a bit fed up with it.

And you've put a boat on your side, haven't you?

Oh, well, I don't care.

You want to be Howard Hughes, you be Howard Hughes.

And I hope your fingernails grow so long they stab you.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

Yoo -hoo!

Ah, Jane, have you spoken with her? Yes.

What did you say?

She doesn't think Harvey and I have a future together.

But what does she have to say about me?

I mean, I think she's wrong about Harvey.

He's really a lovely man.

He just hides it sometimes.

Jane! Oh, sorry, yes, what did she say?

Um... She thinks you're daft. What? And away with the fairies.

And she doesn't want to be taken for granted and she doesn't want to shack up

with you.

And she was rude about Harvey's slippers.

Well, that's charming, I must say.

I make her a wonderful proposition and she throws it back in my face. Well,

that's it. I'm never going to talk to her again.

Oh, no, you mustn't do that.

I'm here to patch things up.

Oh, dear, I don't seem to be getting it right.

Hello? Hello?

Daisy. Ah, Daisy. How nice to see you. You know Jane, don't you? Yes, of

Hello, dear. Nice to see you. Do run along.

That's all right, dear. About your duties.

Yes, right. Bye.

Ah, David. What can I do for you? You can put on your hat, you can take my

and we shall go for a stroll.

Oh.

Oh.

Yes, why not?

Jolly good idea. Just what a chap needs.

It gets awfully stuffy and confused in here.

Off we go. We shall go down to the lake.

I've got some plans for shaping things up around here.

Jolly good.

Tell me, do you have any organisational abilities?

I have organised three Arctic expeditions.

We'll make a grand... team.