All language subtitles for waiting_for_god_s01e01_welcome_to_bayview

You're going to love it here, Dad.

It looks really super, Tom.

Doesn't it, Dad?

Dad?

Oh, yes, it's lovely.

Very well kept.

I'm sure it'll be a great new adventure.

That's the spirit.

I'll go and see to the beers.

You hang on.

It's a real crappy fear, isn't it?

David!

David!

Well, it is.

I think it's terrible.

Don't be a chump, David.

It's just another step on the road.

Where?

To wherever we're all going.

Come on, lad.

Too many words of smile, if you please.

Remember the emu.

We are not in bed, God forbid.

Oh, Diana, you are a naughty.

You waggly and nasty little finger at
me, woman, or I'll bite it off.

Oh, it's such a lovely day.

So? Well, God gave us this day to enjoy.

What do you want me to do, go hang
gliding?

You always sit in your sun lounge.

I don't think I could stand the
excitement.

I watch the grass growing, the grass
watches me shrinking.

Dear, oh, dear, somebody has got out of
bed the wrong side this morning.

Got out of either side, yes.

Oh, you mean you haven't been today?

I beg your pardon? We haven't had a
little twinkle today.

Oh, God.

All right, we're going to have to join
the rubber sheep club.

Come on, let's see. Get out!

Dear God, you really are quite
unpeakable.

Tis the matter.

You've just happened a clue, have you?

Not a clue.

No, I mean, we're very easy going here.
I mean, rule the... such are kept to a

bare minimum. They're more common sense
and courtesy guidelines than rules.

Can I have a pet?

We're not too keen on the larger pets,
cats and dogs.

There's always the problem of what
happens to them after their owners...

on. Of course.

I mean, small pets, fine.

Budgies, gerbils, hamsters.

Lizards? Sorry?

Can I have a lizard?

You haven't got a lizard, Dad.

But I can get one.

and purchased her finest to come back
and find I'm living in a lizardless

society.

Oh, no, please, please.

I'm sure we could cope with a lizard.

Now, mealtime.

What about a snake?

Tom.

Well, it would be good to have a snake
around the place.

They could eat all the gerbils and
budgies left behind by the residents who

moved on.

Yes,

I can see you're going to be a bit of a
humorist, Dan.

Tom.

We're off on the big outing next week.

Hooray. I heard that.

Good. Where is it this time? Another
hunt for cut -price burial plots?

Actually, we're going to France.

On a pilgrimage to Lourdes. Oh, my God.
In the minibus.

Have you gone quite mad?

Oh, Lourdes is very well known for its
healing qualities.

Well, that minibus isn't. It took us two
hours of it.

We've been taking it very slowly.

Took it slowly to Torquay, and look what
happened.

Hardly hear yourself talk for the thud
of falling bodies.

I take it you won't be coming? I am
neither suicidal nor Catholic. Oh, non

-sectarian. I am glad.

I'd hate to think anyone was precluded
from sudden death on religious grounds.

A little faith would do you no harm.

Do you know what faith is, Jane?

Faith is what helps you make the quantum
leap between the believable and the

totally bloody ridiculous.

It's a terrible cynical.

I do hope so. I'd hate to think that my
time here had been totally wasted.

I don't think you enjoy it.

Sniping away at me and the residents.

No, I don't. You lot are fitting duck.

You need a moving target to enjoy it.

Of course, you can eat in your own
bungalow, but you can also eat in here

main building. And this is our dining
room.

Oh, really?

What happens in here?

Well,

we eat in here.

Oh, I see.

That's why it's called the dining room.
Very clever.

This is the dining room. They call it
that because people dine here.

Tom, you don't embarrass us.

Now, here's someone you'll get to know
well. This is Jenny. Jenny, Mr. Bollard.

Bollard. How do you do, sir?

You must call me Dan.

Tom. It's your name.

It's Tom.

Yes, and then you'll be like Tom and
Jenny.

You know, like the cartoon, Todman...
Yes.

Well, moving right along is the
residence lounge. Don't you worry, Tom.

not all like him. He's our only Major
Pratt. Oh.

Bit of a shag and a rock, eh?

Well, we'll have to have him ringed.

Do you care to rephrase that?

You play Scrabble on your own?

Good God, so I am. And I thought I was
playing with the Dagenham Girl Pipers.

Would you like me to rattle someone up
to play with you? Oh, thank you. I like

playing by myself.

It's easier to cheat.

If I start losing, I can always drag old
Lionel out of his cupboard.

Lionel? Oh, dear.

Haven't you heard?

What?

Lionel is no longer with us.

Oh, do stop talking in euphemisms. Do
you mean Lionel is dead?

gone to another place.

What other place?

Heaven.

I'll hit you one of these days, so help
me I will.

What did he die of?

Well, he just sort of stopped.

Unusual. Terminal boredom.

Another green bottle falls off the wall.

I thought you knew.

They hardly shout these things from the
rooftops, you know.

Never see a hearse in here in daylight.

Flip in under cover of darkness like
body snatchers.

Sun comes up and everyone's trying to
avoid looking at the untouched bowl of

frosties on the breakfast table.

Would you like a pill? A mood elevator?

You are a pill, Jane. Go away.

Poor old sod.

Oh, it is nice, isn't it?

Nice.

I think Geoffrey wants you to pop
outside while we have a man -to -man

Oh, right.

Come along.

We can't leave Grandpa here.

Out.

Dad, if you don't like it here, we'll
forget the whole thing and go home.

Thank you, Geoffrey, but I don't think
so.

If I stayed there one more night, poor
Marion would probably strangle her

psychiatrist. No, no.

She's just a bit, you know, highly
strung.

And so she should be.

Stop feeling guilty, Geoffrey.

We're all glad to see the back of each
other. That's not true.

Well, I'm concerned it is.

Really? Oh, yes.

I love it here.

Oh, well.

Jolly good.

Of course, we'll come and visit.

Don't hurry.

Right.

Got to have adventures, Geoffrey.

This is my next adventure.

This is the upper reaches of the Nile,
the Trek de Lhasa, the Brazilian

This is Bournemouth.

I'm a flamingo.

Oh, my God, a fruitcake.

Cup of tea?

What? To go with your fruitcake. Thank
you, but I'm reading.

My name is Tom Jones.

You've probably heard of me. I'm a
famous singer.

I work in Las Vegas, sweat a lot, and
throw my underwear to middle -aged women

who scream for my body.

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone.

Hello,

Miss Trent.

Everything all right?

No.

Wonderful. Brits this evening?

No. Hello, Dan.

Looking for some new chums, eh?

Looking for some food, actually.

Come with me.

Miss Trent, I've got someone to meet
you.

Dan Bollard, this is Fiona Trent.

I just know you're going to get on
marvellously together, so I'll leave you

do just that. See you later.

Diana Trent.

Tom Ballard.

So you're not Tom Jones.

I was just trying a new conversational
opening.

Didn't work.

Do you mind if I sit down?

Well,

I won't if you don't want me to.

Stand, do whatever you like. You can
burn to the ground for all I care.

Since you put it so nicely, I'll sit.

There, I've sat.

What do you want me to do, applaud?

I knew I shouldn't have sat.

Hello, Tom. Settling in all right?

Oh, yes. I'm having the time of my life.
Wonderful place.

That's the spirit.

Pity everybody else doesn't have such a
positive approach.

Each to his own, Jenny. Some people like
being cheerful, others enjoy being

miserable. Just as long as they enjoy
themselves, that's the main thing.

Well, say it louder.

Somebody might hear you.

It's cloying old fuddies like you that
give the elderly a bad name.

Trotting out your trite little homilies
like some refugee from Reader's Digest.

You might enjoy being a quaint old
parody of a human being, but I've still

my balls, thank you very much.

This meat isn't very good.

Never is.

What is it?

Squirrel.

These carrots seem to be from a tin, if
I'm not mistaken.

Better at weekends when the relatives
are around.

Doesn't anyone complain?

Not often. We're British.

Bad food is a way of life.

They serve dead dog, they complain to
the RSPCA before the chef.

Well, I'd better have a word with Mr
Baines. He won't do any good.

He just runs the place.

I just run the place, you see, Tom.

But surely running the place would
encompass the provision of decent food.

I think the food is rather good, don't
you, Jane?

Oh, yes, Mr Baines.

We never have any complaints.

Jane, you're lying through your teeth.

You'll be struck down long before you
get to Lourdes.

Not many complaints. It's a question of
budget, you see.

Oh. But I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll have a word with Cook and see if he
can't put some choice cut for thigh

just for you. And you, of course, Miss
Trent, be just on to new, nodding a

eh? Oh, no.

I wouldn't like to think I was getting
preferential treatment to my fellow

inmates. Residence, Dan.

Residence.

I do hope he's not going to be a

troublemaker. Oh, I'm sure not.

I'm not a difficult man, Jane.

Oh, no, you're not, Harvey.

A mistake.

You see, if this place fails
financially, people won't put their

other bay views.

So I would be depriving thousands of
senior citizens of their place in the

if I were to allow it to function in any
way but the, well, reasonably

profitable.

I mean, it's nothing to do with my part
in the profit share scheme, but, you

know, shareholders are people too.

Oh, I do understand.

So you'll keep an eye on things.

Sorry? Let us know in advance if the
apple cart looks like being upset.

Oh, I see.

Maybe Dan would like to go on the Lord's
trip.

I don't wish to know.

Tai Chi?

Never heard of it.

Chinese exercises.

Pumping up the yin and the yang.

Sounds disgusting.

It permits a healthy mind and body.

What for?

So that you may live a long and healthy
life.

What for?

What for?

Yes. What is the point of having a long
and healthy life if you spend half of it

stuck in this place waiting for it to
end?

Yes, yes. Tell me, Miss Trent.

What did you do when you were alive?

I was a spinster.

Is that a profession?

It's an attitude.

I was a self -contained unit. I did
exactly as I pleased until the dismal

iniquities of age turned the tables on
me.

What was your excuse for cluttering up
the planet?

I was enjoying life.

I still am.

Must be wonderful to be a simple... Oh,
it is.

Did you have an occupation?

Oh, yes.

For many years, I was a bullfighter. Oh,
my God.

I fought under the name of Eric
Corsovis. Maybe you've heard of me. I

Malaga 20 years ago. You were badly
gored. Indeed, I was.

See, there's a scar.

Oh, the bull took your appendix out at
the same time.

They're very smart animals.

And then what did you do?

I was an astronaut.

Oh, yes.

Between trips to the moon?

A financier.

An accountant?

Yes. A humble accountant?

One of many humble accountants in a
very, very big firm.

I sat at the same desk every day for 40
years.

Hence your fantasizing.

Not fantasies at all.

We had three weeks paid holiday a year.

Plenty of time to fight bulls on the
moon.

So, you're just a boring... man who's
led a boring life.

You're absolutely right.

I've bought for the world 11 for many,
many seasons.

Become a ludicrous preserve to boot.

Yes. Everything I do is for effect.

You see, I'm terrified that if people
don't notice me, that they might not be

here at all.

They're not.

I've never seen or heard of you. There's
no one there.

I'm talking to a figment of my own
diseased imagination.

Surely you wouldn't bother to think me
up. That's true.

I've just checked in the mirror.

I was actually there.

That is assuming the mirror was really
there.

Never assume a presence.

You can only ever be sure of an absence.

It's just about thumbs you up.

You're such a sweet person.

Just because we're old doesn't mean to
say we have to be polite to one another.

I believe in being polite to everyone.

Even mad bulls.

Please. Don't tell me any more about
yourself. I don't want to know.

There's no time.

The only thing I ever did of any note
was to found the Kingston -upon -Thames

Communist Party. Look, I don't want to
know.

The Kingston -on -Thames Communist
Party?

Yes. Did you have many members?

No, none at all.

It was just another of my totally futile
gestures in life.

Do you know anything about communism?

Anyway, I picked up from Hemingway in
the Spanish Civil War.

Cordobis, he said to me, Marx and Engels
have nothing to do with ice skating.

Listen, Ballard, you're not an original.

You can't disguise gibberish as original
thought.

Just like the rest of us.

In this life, we do three things.

We're born, we consume, we die.

Now, you and I have done the first two.
We're now just waiting to do the third.

We've come here to die.

So kindly, do it quietly and with
dignity.

And on your own.

I met Mick Jagger

once.

At the siege of Madrid.

Bet you never did that.

Sorry, Mr. Bellard, I must have forgot
you. No, no, Jenny, you didn't. I'm not

having any.

You don't like it?

I'm on a hunger strike.

Oh, that's all right, then.

Give us a yell if you change your mind.

I'm on hunger strike.

Oh, yes?

Like Gandhi.

I like Gandhi.

Finished already, Tom?

No, I'm not having any. I'm on a hunger
strike.

Oh, you don't do that, Tom.

I do.

I'm not going to eat until the food gets
better.

Dan.

Harry.

Sorry?

Harry.

No, it's not Harry, Dan. It's Harvey.

My apologies.

One should always try and get a person's
name right, or they might think you

don't care for them.

Right. So how are things?

Things are fine.

So you were just pulling Jane's leg,
right?

I would never presume such a liberty.

Oh, so you are on a hunger strike.

Just until I'm presented with some food
I would consider worthy.

Have you mentioned this to anyone?

The sun, the mirror, and the times.

Don't you worry about a thing, Dan.

If I could just have your attention for
a moment.

Now, about our trip to Lourdes.

Now, I'm sure some of you will remember
the success of last year's trip.

Success? Did someone make it home?

These trips, like some little joke.

Two people died.

Now, you know that's not true. More than
two, was it?

Anyway, just so I can get a rough idea
of numbers, could I have a show of hands

from all those interested?

Anyone for Lourdes?

We do stock up with duty free at
Boulogne. That's if you make it that

are going to do us, Miss Edwards.

It's a wonderful place and I can
personally attest to its healing powers.

I myself benefited from them after
suffering severe injuries while working

Spain.

Olé!

I urge you all to go.

I'm sure a wonderful time will be had by
all.

And you say the food's OK?

Wonderful.

So you're not hungry?

Why should you ask that?

No reason, just thought you might prefer
to come home.

Why should I want to leave? I've only
just got here.

Well, we miss you.

Don't we, Marianne?

But when you were laying your new patio,
I distinctly overheard someone suggest

that it might be a good idea if I was to
become an integral part of the concrete

mix.

I just skinned a rabbit in my sewing
room.

Will you come home now?

No, no, no, Geoffrey.

You can't stop the crusades at Cyprus.

I am a foot... a board.

See? He's very happy here. He wants to
stay.

Oh, all right.

Goodbye.

Gasty creature.

She'll have been strangled at birth.

Are you talking to me?

Do you know about you?

Possibly.

How's the hunger strike?

Never miss a trick, do you? The
consistency of your malevolence is

Do you want some?

Get thee behind me.

I do love to see a man of principle.

They're so fatuous nowadays.

Eat your sweets, Miss Trent.

She's got your number, you know.

Who? Baines, of course. Why do you think
your awful offspring suddenly turn up

saying, come home, all is forgiven?

Why? He wants you out. You're a
troublemaker.

He's been on to them.

Oh, dear, your dad's not happy here. He
weeps into his soup.

Better take him home before he kills
himself and brings disgrace upon your

house.

He wouldn't do that.

Well, he tried it with my family, got on
to my niece.

Lashings of moral blackmail.

But you're still here.

Yes, of course I am. My niece was
trained by me.

She told Baines if I wanted to do myself
in, I was to be given every assistance.

But that's awful.

I thought it was splendid.

Awful of Baines, I mean.

You don't treat El Cordobis like some
common picador.

I don't think we'll have too much
trouble from dear old Dan.

Had a word with the daughter -in -law.
She knows how to get him into line.

You have to be a people manager. You
know, Jane... And I must say, I'm rather

good one.

Oh, you are, Harvey.

You are.

Dan!

Tom! Got that?

Tom! Tom? Is this correct?

Well, I should have been informed.

Do come in, Tom.

Now, what can we do for you?

What?

Now listen to me. We don't seem to have
much choice. I said listen.

Sorry.

In this institution, you have over a
thousand years of wisdom and human

experience. Understand?

You don't have a bunch of old crocs who
need managing and herding around the

place like lame sheep.

Also in this institution, you have
paying customers. We pay you work. What

that make you?

Our employee.

Right? Right.

So, as one of your many bodies, I am now
going to give you some instructions

about the food round here. Now, Tom, I
did explain... Quit!

This is not a discussion.

Here are your orders concerning the
food.

You will obey these, or I'll put phase
two of my plan into operation, and that,

I can assure you, will snap your little
yuppie brain right down the middle.

Do you understand?

Yes, Tom.

Come along, Mrs. Somerville.

Come on. No time to wait. You won't need
that if you get back anyway.

Not going to Lourdes, then?

I value my health.

You're learning.

Here you've given up the hunger strike.

Yes. Don't you have no balls?

What's your favourite dish, Miss
Trenton?

Salmon. Why?

Ben?

Harry!

It's hot.

Yes, Tom?

Poached salmon for Miss Chen, please.

Sure, fine.

Why not?

Poached salmon.

Caviar. Poverty.

Why not?

Why not? Yes, why not? It's only money.

Profit.

did you manage that?

I told him that if the fool did not
improve, I would disembowel myself on

steps of the town hall.

Would you have done?

Certainly not, but he doesn't know that.
He thinks I'm a potential psychopath.

They all think you go barmy after 70.

Exploited, that's what I say.

I'm a bullfighter. You're a crackpot.

At least I'm prettier than you.