Original subtitles

...of the Los Angeles federal courthouse where the trial of alleged mafia hitman

William Sykes is set to begin on Monday. Now, Sykes, you may recall, was

arrested but was let out on bail for the murder of a state councilman. And now

the FBI's sole case rests entirely on their key witness, Jane Percival.

Percival, a schoolteacher, was the recent target of two assassination

And although Sykes denies...

Any connection with those attempts whatsoever is now believed that Percival

somewhere in hiding until the trial begins, and it's believed that she's

the protection of L .A. Bodyguards, VIP.

Led by the beautiful and lethal Valerie Eyre.

Where is Jane Percival? How

many times are you going to ask that?

Not many more. You see, if Jane testified...

I'm mintling.

So I have nothing to threat if I kill you.

Then you're just going to have to kill us.

Please help.

You're the boss.

What about you?

Honestly, I don't know where she is because Tasha over here was in charge of

directions and obviously she didn't use MapQuest.

we were completely lost.

I've had it with these two.

Send her to the doctor.

I'm fine.

I'm totally fine. I just had a physical. My cholesterol is really low. I'm very

healthy. The only thing I do is I have a little rash, but I think it's more like

a yeast allergy.

Chef, no pasta for lunch, okay?

You won't remember anything after the appetizer. Little truth serum he's

up. I spent eight years in Russia building up a tolerance to sodium

You won't break me.

I take heaps of goldenseal and plenty of echinacea all the time. I'm an immunity

temple.

Sodium pent is for lightweights. We're test driving something new.

Something not quite on the FDA roster.

We're not going to share needles, are we?

Do you have anything in a grape?

Chewable baby.

One more time.

Where is...

What's going on? She's falling asleep on me. No, that shouldn't be.

Hold this one, too.

Something's wrong.

She's crashing.

I need them alive.

Oh, my God.

We're losing them.

We're losing them.

Oh, my God. We're losing them.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Iron.

Plucked from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

Body temperature rising.

Heartbeat regular.

BP 120 over 70.

Pupils reactive.

Try not to speak, Miss Irons.

You've been in a coma for quite some time.

Welcome back, Miss Dexter.

Breathing is rhythmic.

What happened?

Apparently, you were injected with an isopentane derivative, causing sudden

neurological failure.

Body temperature nearing normal.

98 .2.

You were left for dead.

Fortunately, the police found you. Vital signs steady.

Jane. Jane, where's... What'd she say?

It sounded like a name.

Jane somebody.

I wonder who she is.

The first words are always so interesting, especially when they've

40 years.

40 years?

Uh, yes.

Listen, there's no easy way to tell you this, but... Oh, my God, you look

so bad.

Me? Look at your roots. You need a dye job.

Oh, my God, my roots have grown out. This is at least 40 years. We're

in the future.

I hope they make extra -light baseball 92 excellence from Clairol.

What the hell happened?

Ow! Ow! Easy.

Said the police found us?

Yes.

You were already comatose.

In order to reverse the effects of the isopentane, well, technology wasn't

exactly ready for that until recently.

So we kept you both alive.

I look awful.

I understand your frustration.

Coming out of a coma can be quite mind -blowing. And that's why we brought you

here, to familiar surroundings.

All I know is if she's here, I'd rather be in a Mexican clinic.

That is so mean.

Maybe I should explain.

No, look, this is all your fault.

What? What did I do? That's not who I am. It was like 40 years ago, okay? But

when anything goes wrong, it's always your fault.

Excuse me, I would like to fill you both in so you have a better understanding

of what's going on here. Listen, could you just put her back to sleep, please?

Because obviously her personality is really bad.

Perhaps a readjustment to consciousness. I'm sure she'll be back to normal in no

time. Normal? No, this is normal.

Knock her out!

Careful.

Don't think about leaving the office. We've installed an airlock system on the

door.

Your immune system will not be able to handle the outside world for at least 48

hours.

Welcome to the year 2042.

I'm tired of Dexter.

I have one thing to say to you.

Oh.

Forty years.

Hey, I wonder if Nikki and Johnny ever played their eternal love to one

I wonder if Kate downloaded her brain onto a computer like Vaughn or a man.

I wonder where it helped her quit.

Probably dead.

Beginning to wish I was.

That is a terrible thing to say. Just because we're old.

Me on the inside, of course. You on the outside.

Entire wardrobe is out of date.

There's still a lot to live for.

Like what?

I think I could braid your long gray hair.

Look.

Let's just get one thing straight, okay?

This is not a sleepover, okay? We're not going to play games.

We're not going to sing songs. And we're certainly not going to reminisce about

old times.

I think I found a palm pilot.

Welcome to NTS Wireless News.

It's 72 degrees in Los Angeles with a level 3 smog alert in effect.

In national news, the president is in Mexico celebrating the 51st state's 6th

anniversary. And in entertainment news, NSYNC is reuniting after 30 years for a

world tour.

I'm going to get a ticket to that.

And finally, we'd like to congratulate the former president, Ford, on his 100th

birthday. Happy birthday, Harrison.

What is that, the Utopia Channel? What happened to the famine and the crime?

I don't know. I think all the beauty contestants got their wish.

World peace.

I doubt it.

You know, pessimism is going to give you wrinkles.

Oop.

Ladies, hello.

Spencer Burke, I'm a columnist for thetimes .com.

I'm doing a piece on your return to the land of the living.

Oh, really? Well, I'm Val. Valerie Hines, of course.

As lethal as ever, I'm sure.

What about the beautiful?

Yeah, we see some things never change.

World's greatest bodyguard takes a nap in its front page news.

I think everyone knows that a great leader is only as good as the people

surround themselves with.

Ex -KGB, ex -CIA.

It's an impressive resume, Miss Dexter.

It's Tasha.

Well, Tasha, Val.

When I found out they were reviving you two, I started compiling as much data as

I could find.

Oh, good, finally. We can get the answers to all the questions that we

Okay, well.

Well, okay, sure.

Who won Survivor Africa?

What?

Sarah Jessica Parker still doing sex in the city?

Val, nobody cares about your television shows.

What about our former colleagues?

Johnny Lowe is on a spiritual trek through China.

Nikki Franco has taken over the family business and is rumored to be hiding out

somewhere in Sicily.

Kay

Simmons

is on assignment right now decrypting codes for Interpol.

Morning. You have illegally accessed the restricted server. You are in violation

of four federal standards.

And I'm sorry to report your friend Quick Williams passed away last April.

Oh, God. It was probably one of those flying car chases with lighter beams

zapping at him everywhere.

Actually, he choked on a piece of bacon.

They start eating sausage and tofurkey and everything like that. No one comes

me. They're so terrible. Well, he lived a full life.

Had seven kids.

He's busy.

Speaking of which, you guys handle some of the most high -profile, the most

dangerous cases ever recorded.

What happened on the last one, if you can remember?

Oh, well, Nicky, Johnny, Quick, Tasha, these guys were going to meet with the

youngin' Jane Percival, and she was a witness to a murder.

The FBI promised that my identity would be protected.

Fed, will they give you a phony license and a bottle of Clairol? More like a

death sentence.

Last week, my brakes were cut. Two days ago, there was a bomb in my desk at

school.

Wow, that's even low for tile scum like Sykes. Don't worry, we'll get you to a

safe house at the end for a smooth rest of the ride.

What are you doing here?

Well, I know how mega -boring these safe places can be, so I brought a few of

the essentials.

Sour Patch Kids, Gummy Worms, Nail Polish, Six Different Colors, Nobody

and Mad Magazine.

She means, how'd you scare her for 1020? This was a secret powwow.

I'm not the world's greatest bodyguard for nothing.

I asked Kay, all right?

It's not like I told anybody that I was coming here.

You didn't have to. They followed you. Let's go.

Get down!

Tell me that before.

Almost.

Concentrated smoke bomb.

All right,

Tosh. I'll lay down cover fire.

You think you can get Val and Jane out of here? I'm on it.

Go, go, go.

Smoke them if you got them.

So it was Val's excellent timing that got you out of the mess. Not exactly.

Ow.

Wait a second.

How did it turn out? What happened to Sykes? He died two years ago. It was a

prison fight.

Well, see, then obviously it got Jane to safety just fine.

We did.

It's well known that you both protected her so she could testify. It's just

that, I mean, no one ever knew how you could hide her so well.

Safe house.

It's a miracle we even got there. Val was behind the wheel.

Made it where?

See, nobody knows to this day. You know what? I am an excellent driver.

Right. And I can't believe that you would bring that up at an interview

years. Yeah, well, if the granny underpants fit.

So, ladies, you were about to tell me about... No, no, no, no, no.

I don't want to say anything wrong. Don't want Granny Stickler over here to

her ugly nose out of join...

So not ugly.

Okay.

I'll be right back.

Listen to me.

Irons is fighting the age suggestion more than Jester, but our lie about the

hypno -drug is working fine.

I knew Irons would be a tough one to crack.

They don't call her the world's best bodyguard for nothing.

40 years.

I can't even spend 40 minutes with you.

They're still adjusting to the idea that 40 years have passed.

Just give me a little bit more time.

I don't have more time.

If I don't know where they stashed Jane Percival within the next 24 hours,

they're roadkill.

And so are you.

You're old. Look at your root. They're bad.

Even if ballotage and communications blackout, they should have surfaced by

Meanwhile, the FBI is threatening to arrest me if I don't tell them where we

Jane. Okay, just tell them the truth. We don't know.

Negatory. We don't want the feds leading Sykes right to her.

Nick's right.

Sykes is probably watching Abby move. We hunt down Jane, we lead them right to

her. Well, Val and Tasha could still be with Jane.

I hope you're not saying we shouldn't look for them.

What I'm saying is, we keep our search on the down low.

Off Sykes' radar screen.

What if Sykes has already found all three of them?

Well, Jane hasn't turned up dead yet, so that's something.

All right.

Johnny and I have started looking, discreetly.

Kay, work your magic, come up with a list of possible safe houses.

Nick? I want to know what Sykes is up to.

He did a few jobs for Old Man's Corner, Vaco.

I can hit up one of his co -geniuses for the 411.

All right.

Do it.

How long have we been in here?

Three hours, 17 minutes, 14 seconds.

That's it.

Oh, my God. I feel like we're trapped on a deserted island. Oh, my God. I feel

like we're in Cadway except for I'm Tom Hanks and you're Wilson the volleyball.

Let's just go inside just for a second.

We can't, remember?

What is the worst thing that could happen?

Oh, the toxins will attach to your lung tissue and slowly rip apart your insides

until you disintegrate to a bloody pulp.

Grotty, want to play Scrabble? No.

Uh, I'll let you use Russian words. Come on, it'll be fun.

No, but why don't we play this other game I knew of?

It's called Shut the Hell Up.

Age is a mental game.

Let's see what these bones are made of.

Russia, what are you doing?

Ladies, I did a little research on Jane Percival and...

It's not what you think. We don't even like

each other.

So, I've started to write my story.

Valerie Irons saves the day.

Inner sleep.

What's the team effort?

Oh, well, of course, my esteemed colleagues played a very important role,

always.

Well, we know Jane testified, but, um, I still don't know how you guys managed

to hide her.

Well, what happened was... Fine, you tell me. No, you go ahead.

No, I insist.

I insist I'm too non -racist.

Just tell the story.

What if I don't want to?

All right.

What really happened is, uh, well, let's just say Val's driving left something

to be desired.

It's fine. It's your damn directions that suck big time. My directions were

flawless. Are you guys always like this? Yes. No.

Yes.

Can we find a better safe house than this, please? Look, as long as Sykes

find me, I really don't mind. Oh, you're delirious. You're tired. You don't know

what you're talking about. She's staying here.

Is not. Is to.

Oh, come on, Tasha. We did not always argue like that.

Val, we always argued like that. Did not.

Did too. Did not. Where did you say the safe house was?

You know, you haven't changed.

You think 40 years of hanging out, doing nothing might have mellowed you out.

And look at you, as argumentative as ever.

If I could get you two to poke it.

You know what you are?

You're a big meanie who always has to have her own way.

And you're a spoiled brat who can't make up her mind. Look, I don't have all day

here. I can too, make up my own mind.

I think.

Would you rather be right or would you rather get along?

Will you please answer my question?

I see you've still got some spunk in you.

Yeah, I guess I do.

Interview's over.

Something's

off.

I don't feel a day over 27.

Well, you sure look it.

If I'd wanted to smack them around, I'd have done it myself.

It won't happen again.

I know.

What are you doing?

Accepting your resignation.

There's two E's in heels.

That's wrong.

You're cheating.

Again. Stop it.

Looks to me like they were forced off the road by a large vehicle.

Driver shows no sign of a struggle.

Maybe it means they're still alive.

Still got nothing to go on.

Maybe we just gotta dig a little deeper.

What's that?

Looks like some kind of a D -card.

Yeah, Dan. Some kind of high -tech building.

Zancard duck?

Zancardu. It's French.

Medication time.

These should help your immune system get on track.

Hopefully, we'll be able to release you into the real world in just a day or

two.

Is there anything else I can get you to make you stay more comfortable?

Yeah, how about a big roll of duck cake?

And a box of Super Depends for Tasha, please.

I need some beauty magazines, got to keep up on today's woman, and Flaming

Cheetos, wine coolers, something like that, and something with a little fiber.

I'll see what I can dig up.

I need some water with that, too.

Your reflexes are mind -blowing.

I'm sure you'll be back to your normal self in no time.

I'll see about your request.

I want you to look at my stuff, okay?

How many M's in M &M's?

The trial stops tomorrow.

Relax, we're close.

I just dosed them with more of the hypno -drug. I just want the address.

You wasted time sending in that phony reporter.

I've got their trust.

Next time I go in, you'll know exactly where Jane Percival is.

me toothpaste, turn in state's evidence against my grandfather, and then join

the Scornabacos.

Think you're freaking Franco.

Hey, there may be an offer. I couldn't refuse.

I got a competing offer.

You tell me about Bill Sykes and I won't snap your neck like a twig.

Sykes? The hitman?

We haven't used him in years.

He got too expensive.

Well, you know who can afford him.

All right, all right.

All's I know is he's been consulted with some kind of government contractors.

That's it.

Send your regards to the Don.

Come on, Denny.

Get your ear to the ground. I need to talk to you. Come back later. Your

grandfather, he wants to stuff inventory like yesterday.

What do you know about striking his jaws for the government?

Farmer. Agency dude. Set up shop.

Starting coups, assassinations.

I did some housecleaning for them.

I need more details.

Hey, what do you want? I'm in the schmata business.

I'm not a hitter.

Sorry.

They shot, they stood up. Some kind of abandoned government high -tech blitz.

That's all I know.

Give me my clipboard.

Oh, you know what makes me worried here is this Electra thing. Electra may cause

abdominal cramping and loose stool.

Where the hell are those from?

I don't know.

Maybe one of the workers left them behind when they were building the

the office.

Read about a mountain climber that was stuck in a crevice for six days and all

he had were a can of Pringles and more for the Pringles, he wouldn't have

survived.

Oh, no, the seal's broken.

2002?

That's a part of Kay's old secret stash.

We're fine.

You know, Pringles are the perfect food.

They always have the best ingredients and the best preservatives.

Shall we live life on the edge?

How can one person have so much to say about nothing?

Well, if I had someone worth talking to, I'd say something worth hearing.

You know what I wish?

I wish those doctors never would have brought me back to life. That way I

never have to speak to you again.

That is so mean.

Careful what you wish for, McGee.

on this side. All right?

No crossing the line.

Everything all right?

Couldn't be better.

Well, I managed to unearth you of your request.

Oh, good.

Oh, makeup. Oh, that's good. Liquorice. That's good. Book.

Snoozerama. Don't need that. Oh, those muffins. High fiber muffins.

You're welcome.

Now you can pay me back.

If I could ask a few questions.

About what?

Well, your experiences with the isopentane.

Surrounded my report on your recovery.

Fine.

So what led to the drug being used on you?

Do you remember, Val?

Yeah. Yeah.

We just dropped Jane off at the safe house.

We were driving back to VIP.

I was driving.

Just so you know, I have a perfect driving record.

Hi,

Mr. Cute Bike Riding Guy.

Hey.

Look, I hate to interrupt your dating ritual, okay? We're kind of in a rush.

Now that Jane's in a safe place, the last thing we need to do is be seen

anywhere around here.

Val, step on it.

We're at a red light, Papa.

Bill, go.

Everybody out.

Nice and slow.

All right, come on, get out.

There.

Then I woke up 40 years later.

Truly mind -blowing.

Little truth serum.

She's crashing.

Mind -blowing.

So all of this happened just to find the location of this personal woman?

Sad but true.

Where did you hide her?

Oh, in a dingy safe house in Temecula.

Tasha, I have never been to Temecula, okay? I think you're a little senile.

Val, I'm sure you remember. It was on our way to Zancardu.

Okay, fine. You won.

Zancardu is not a real place, okay? I don't know what is wrong with you. I

Alzheimer's.

All right, fine.

I've had enough of being subtle.

Tell me what's going on. Tasha.

What are you doing?

Go on, tell her she's not old.

Oh, God, can't you be a denial like everybody else in the world and just

it? Look, I'm going to break your neck.

Val, I was faking it.

You're not old.

Well,

it's true. I mean, I'm certainly not as old as you are, but you don't have to go

telling everybody that I didn't go to bodyguard school.

Tasha?

Oh, no, she'll be okay.

She obviously had an adverse reaction to the sudden revival.

I just gave her a knockout drug, a type of pentothal.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

Well, if you wouldn't mind finishing up your story.

Where was I?

You were about to tell me where you hid Jane.

Oh, right.

It was a safe house in Valencia, not Temecula.

Well, now that Frau Bucher is napping, I can let them go.

Where was I?

The address where you hit Jane.

Oh, yeah. Um, let me see.

48 Aqueduct Road.

What's your apartment number with that?

Oh, my gosh.

These are really fresh after all this time.

You were about to give me the apartment number.

Uh... Two thousand seventy -nine and a half.

Thank you.

You've been extremely helpful.

I'll be back to check on you later.

Don't forget those magazines.

Right. We got what we need. Now let's clear out.

Tasha! Tasha! Wake up! Wake up!

Okay. I'll say it. You were right about Mr. Phony Doctor Man.

Hmm. Well, at least you're not awake to say I told you so.

card has the latest encryption technology and anti -duplication

state -of -the -art well i'm glad you approve but where are they swiping these

bad boys there's only a handful of companies that could afford this

any of them government contractors hey nick actually yes there's an old skunk

works up in calabasas stx well i shook down some giovanni who said psych system

hits for rogue cia agents if psych says valentasha this could be the place

Hi, Val.

Oh, thank goodness.

Thank goodness you're awake. You know, you were totally right about Calcuacula

and this whole not being old thing. So just give it to me. Just let me have it.

Let's hear it.

You're so pretty.

Really? You have really pretty hair. Like, it's pretty, pretty. Oh, it's

pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty. What did that doctor give you?

You know, it feels like sodium pentothal, but... I thought you spent

in a gulag building resistance to that.

No, I lied.

Oh, my God, no.

Well... Well, that means you have to tell me the truth about everything? That

could come in handy.

You're my best friend.

Or not.

No, I mean, you know what?

I'm so sorry to be so hard on you, but I... I mean, I care so much about you.

Talk about tough love.

Should you go in some more?

Okay. A shoe size plus my brow size divided by the price of my shoe.

Oh!

That's probably Miss Molly.

Tata. Oh, wait.

Toto, we're not in Venice Beach anymore.

I think I'm going to be sick.

No, no, no.

injected her with some weird juice, but you know what? She's coming back to the

Grumpy Old Tasha in no time. Don't worry about it.

Well, she's in Valencia, but I told the bad guys where she was.

Uh,

we might be trying to head them off.

No. Okay, wait. Um, I told Janie Bobaney that if she gets in any trouble, she

should meet us at the boardwalk, you know?

Venice Boardwalk.

Quick, maybe you and I should double -check the safe house.

I'll take Valentine to the boardwalk. Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Group hug. Come on.

You guys are just...

Long story.

Pretty.

Oh. Is she all right?

Longer. Look, we'll paint you a picture later. Right now we've got to blow this

joint.

Watch the rush.

Drop it.

You led me right to her.

To think I didn't need all of those elaborate thefts and expensive drugs.

And you.

You're quite the resourceful woman.

I have to be. I work for the L .A. school district.

Yeah, and that is why you can't kill them.

Just imagine all the poor little kids' lives that you're going to affect

of the loss of their beloved teacher.

What do you think they're going to do? Just pick up their little lives and go

where they left off?

Guns and violence.

They don't solve anything.

What the hell are you talking about?

courthouses.

Note to Val.

Val, I may have said some mean and hurtful things to you while we were

together, and I apologize.

I also may have said some pretty confidential things to you about myself,

don't know, I may have used the word love.

I would appreciate it if you would keep that to yourself.

Okie dokie.

What's going on?

What year is this?

2042, Tasha. And I thought I was getting ancient.

We're here for the VIP reunion.

But I'm not old.

Well, Tasha, that's because the love you carry in your heart has kept you young.

And all the love that you have for me.

for another behind -the -scenes look into the glitz, glamour, and high

world of Valerie Iron's protection.

A typical day at the office means lots of gunplay, car chases, hand -to -hand

combat.

But there's one opponent we can't beat.

Time. Well, I mean, eventually our bodyguard has to hang it up and retire.

I'd say we'll work for another 20 years.

Age is a mess again.

Let's see what these bones are made of.

I mean, you're good, but he's not that good.

40 is a low number.

You know, the monks who used to guard the Shaolin Temple, they were in their

late 70s.

70s, come on.

Listen, these masters of Kung Fu, they can raise their mental, physical energy

to a whole other level. Well, I have here my little fountain of youth, which

dip into it on a regular basis. Let's see here.

Let's start with the A's.

We have Amanda.

Angelina. Jolie, that is.

Amen. Okay, see ya.

Amen.