Original subtitles

We've been hired to assist the EPA in the transport of a dangerous biological

entity. Ooh, very exiled.

EPA's en route from San Diego to Bakersfield. They want us to escort them

through the L .A. leg.

Undiscord escape.

Detective Grisby recommended us.

Gris is such the super Hollywood agent.

We should give him 10 % of our fee.

It doesn't say in here what kind of entity we're helping transport.

Classified. An EPA rep will be over later to give us a lowdown.

Maybe it's an alien.

Maybe it's a radioactive spider.

Maybe it's a yucky stale donut with fungus growing on it. Oh my gosh, you

You have to see this.

Oh my God.

It's evil me.

Wait a minute. Isn't she the psycho who impersonated Val and stole our client's

secret formula right from on down noses?

Mm -hmm.

You just got me one more time, I'll kill you.

Satisfied now?

I can't believe that you guys thought that freak was me. We look nothing

She's being transferred from a mental hospital to a maximum security prison.

Joan Archer's been a naughty, naughty girl.

Now that's a dangerous biological entity.

She's heinous.

Pamby Pamby Shrink's looking after the archer.

It's going to be a whole different ballgame in the big house.

What's your status, Brody?

We're making a pit stop, base.

Prisoner's got a tap of kidney.

Copy that. Let us know when you're back on the road.

Copy that, base one.

I need a ciggy.

Can you light me up a ciggy?

I need a smoke.

Get moving.

The quicker we get rid of you, the better.

Bird crap on you, too.

Before I twist your head off like a bottle cap.

Bates, we're heading back on the road. Everything's okay on this end.

Roger. Copy that.

Good boy.

Sorry.

Bathroom's out of order.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Plucked from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

I'd like you to meet Arthur Goodwin of the Environmental Protection Agency.

Hi, how's it going? Hi, how's your day?

Hi there.

So, based on VIP's glowing reputation, I'm very glad to have you on board.

The EPA dossier was pretty vague on this dangerous biological entity of yours.

Right, with good reason. If word leaked on what we have in our possession, the

press would have a field day.

Last week, the FBI arrested a Red Coyote militia lieutenant in Bakersfield and

found this in his possession.

A hyperconductivity device.

It uses an electromagnetic pulse to scramble biological functions.

That stuff's flat -out nasty.

Yeah, and to keep it out of the wrong hands, we've got to get it to a naval

for lockdown in 48 hours.

Oh, my goodness.

That's completely demented.

We are moving the device to a facility in San Diego where a robot will

disassemble and neutralize it.

Freaking robots.

Let me have a look at your firecracker, and I'll save you the trip.

Yeah. He's great at defusing bombs.

Oh, sorry.

You know, we can't take the risk.

We have reason to believe that it's booby -trapped.

Whatever. Here, you're quite a driver. I need you to give our transport vehicle

the VIP stamp of approval.

Sweet. Now you're talking. And the rest of you will assist my team of EPA

officers in a dry run of the transport. Any questions?

Yeah. What are we doing sitting around?

Let's get this party started.

We've been monitoring VIP for the last week as you requested.

So what do you turn up, my old buddies?

They met with an EPA official named Goodwin.

We bribed a guy in his department to find out what project he's on.

Goodwin's in charge of moving some sort of confiscated weapon.

I pay you a lot of money, Puck.

Be more specific.

That's all we found out so far.

I'm here to take down VIP, not listen to a bunch of idiots.

What kind of weapons are they moving?

Transport's top secret. That's all I know.

Give me one good reason why you shouldn't cut it off.

Because you need my help to get you rid of that.

I want you to monitor VIP every move.

Not a problem.

Valerie Irons followed us to the loony bin.

Now she's going to pay.

In blood.

Sure.

Woo! Oh, yeah.

Flag and rock.

Taking everything I throw at it.

Well, I'm glad you're digging the joyride.

Shame I gotta end it.

Yeah, right. Hold on to your sideburns. I'm coming your way.

My Alma Pearson friend and I can't wait.

Hey, Nikki, Nikki, that's nice work. You're way ahead of the timetable.

Nikki, Nikki, Nikki, what are you doing?

This is not the rendezvous point. No, I'm testing the brake.

Okay, hold on now.

Your truck gets my stamp of approval.

Thanks for the test drive.

Is she psychotic?

Maybe.

Test saw him back yet.

VIP's running some kind of fancy transport test run scenario.

I've been tracking for the last couple hours. Got to be something big going

down. What they're protecting must be very important.

Stay on them.

Irons is on the test run.

Time to become beautiful and very lethal.

Can't we just go pick up the real live thing instead of the fake one?

These test scenarios are important. It's all in sync.

Right, during the live transport, you and I will ride with the device.

Well, I hope it's not too bumpy back there. I get really, really car sick if

there's not a window to look at them.

Kind of like a gunshot.

She's gone.

Blow out.

Brick.

Hey,

Val.

Call anybody?

You bleed.

Oh, my God. It's evil me. I thought you were in the slammer. Change of plans.

I decided to replace you and take out your partners one by one.

You are so evil.

Oh, thanks.

So tell me what VIP is protecting.

I'm not going to tell you anything.

Okay, okay, a coyote guy has this yucky device thingy.

Red coyote militia. They were busted last week by the FBI.

And we're taking it to this robot who's going to disable it. And there's nothing

you can do about it.

Oh, I think there is.

I think a red coyote device could be quite useful.

Yeah, to blow up your yucky face.

You're gonna die, Valerie Irons.

Not yet.

I think it'd be much sweeter to frame you than kill you.

Stripper.

Won't take you long.

Off with it, Irons.

I have to reevaluate that rubber compound.

Hey, boss, just a flat tire. You can come out now.

Yoo -hoo.

Val, you okay?

Do I look okay?

Same as usual.

Beautiful and lethal.

Now, once our convoy passes through L .A., your work is done.

Then the CHP will take over at this point and escort you down to San Diego.

Oh, excuse me.

Well, let's ride the cakewalk, shoot that baby across town faster than you

say booyah. Guess what, Nick?

It's unstable.

No pedal to the metal on this one.

Whatever, I'm not getting paid to drive like a granny.

Oh, we have a problem. FBI sources say a red coyote offshoot may be on to us.

Retaliation for taking out one of the lieutenants.

This could really mess things up. I have no idea what we should do.

Push back the transport 24 hours till we can maintain proper security.

No, no, we can't. The device is too unstable.

We have to move it today.

Stick me on top of the transport truck with a sniper rifle.

Any goons show up, I drop them like flies.

No, that'll draw too much attention. We have to keep this operation low profile.

I have an idea.

No.

It's really good. We do it like the president.

Val, this is another one of your cockamamie ideas.

When the president takes the limo, he sends out a decoy first.

Use another transport truck as bait to, uh, lure away any trouble.

That'll work. Kick -ass idea, Val.

Somebody pinched me because I think Val just made sense.

You think you could scare up a second truck?

Sure, sure. It's not a problem. That's nice work, Val.

No mistake.

I'm the world's greatest bodyguard.

Hello, VIP.

Um, one moment, please.

Val, it's George Clooney.

Can you take a message, please? Because I'm on a very important tape.

That's odd.

Thou would never turn down a call from George Clooney.

Hello, George.

She'll have to call you back.

I'll make you suffer the longest, whiny one.

This is the grodiest hideout in the history of all hideouts. Get used to it.

You're going to be here a while.

Joan's got big plans for you. You know, they're going to know it's not me in

like five minutes.

I'm a very unique human being.

Really? I just got a fax from Joan, a map of your transport route.

Joan has been fooled, and now we know VIPs have removed.

She's going to kill you all.

Oh, really?

That's like croak of starvation first.

Can I have something to eat, please? Or I'm going to digest myself into a puddle

of stomach acid and a bunch of hair.

No, I'm this.

I can't.

I'm a vegetarian.

I'll see what I can find.

Thank you.

I found you some veggie tofu.

Sorry, I broke your meat thingy.

Routine 7 -0.

Next stop, home.

Home? What are you yapping about?

Listen, they're having a bikini contest.

You know, quick and I ask the liberty of judges.

Just because you guys are playing bait doesn't mean goof off time.

Just kidding.

Got you, Nick.

You're so whack. I'm gonna ring both your necks.

Uh -oh.

Uh, uh, we can't hear you. Bad connection.

Nicky, you're breaking up.

Uh, housekeeping?

Housekeeping?

Get out of here.

Okay, Johnny and I are on the road. Let's check it in.

How's that signal strength?

I'm tracking your route on the computer in my palm top right now.

You're headed northwest toward Ventura in the opposite direction of the real

transport. Roger that.

I'm in the Suburban following Johnny's decoy truck.

If any of those Red Coyote guys take this bait, they're in for a big

Well, you know, I can see Valtasha and Nikki on my webcam right now. They're

getting ready to load the device onto the transport truck.

Can't wait for that piece of nasty to get deactivated.

I think this is so exciting, Quick.

You have been hand -chosen to work in tandem with the most prestigious

government agency to take part in a top -secret mission.

That's quite a rush.

quite a rush here in the office myself, Wick.

All alone.

With me and one of Tasha's hasty snickers jobs.

You're a lifesaver, Kay.

You're the nerve center for vital information.

I do happen to be an action junkie, just like you guys.

Hey, Wick!

Did I tell you that in the self -defense class that I'm taking on the internet,

I beat up three... Kay? Yeah.

Enjoy your Snickers bar.

Thank you, Quick.

That bad boy didn't look that tough. Yeah, well,

I'll feel a hell of a lot better once we reach the deactivation facility.

Me too.

The Tenthrostron twins are outing. Let's get the real train rolling.

They're on their way out. Repair iron.

I'm on it.

Found a contact at Red Coyote. He didn't look pretty when we finished him, but

we did get the activation code.

Hand him to my pager.

Here you go.

You figure I'm going to get away with this.

We already have.

Carrot Top, you are such a loon.

Oh, my God.

Joan never made it to prison.

Oh dear.

Joan's impersonating Val again.

Put on these clothes.

Are they washed?

Because, you know, I could get a rash. I'm very sensitive.

Now.

Okay. Well, could you turn around, please? Because I'm a little shy.

Valerie, I am shy.

What are you doing back here?

What do you think I'm doing here?

I'm checking up on you.

But you look like you again.

Oh, that's really bright of you.

What's that stupid look you got on your face?

Irons got away.

Oh, really?

That bimbo?

We don't need her.

But I thought we were going to swap you out with irons and set off the device.

God, that was terrible.

Lame. I don't like that plan. We're changing everything.

How are you going to get your ultimate revenge?

You know what? You're really starting to piss me off, henchwoman.

I'm going to bitch slap you so hard I knock your clothes backwards like

crisscross. Joan, relax.

Here, let me light one of your favorite cigarettes.

I don't see anything.

You know what? Make yourself useful. Can you do something for me? I need to stay

here and think some more evil thoughts up.

Okay? Can you make me a sandwich?

With extra meat.

As you wish.

I can find a cop down on the boardwalk. I think I lost that assassin guy.

But I'd better find a pay phone quick so I can warn everybody about Joe.

I can't get the shoe polish out of my hair.

Stay away from me, you wicked witch.

I switched clothes with Joan, and I dyed my hair with shoe polish, and I escaped

her meat -filled lair.

Oh, I am not falling for that lame story.

I'm serious. Joan switched places with me, and she's gonna set off that

electronic thingy. We gotta stop her.

Liar. You smell of cheap cigarettes.

Valerie Irons never smokes.

I'll prove it to you, okay? Your middle name is Eugenia.

Any evil person could find that out.

You tell me something that only Val would know.

Okay, okay.

We went shopping together. You tried on a T -shirt that was... Three sizes too

small, and you were suffocating, so I gave you a brown paper bag to breathe

of, and you got stuck on your head. You ran out of the store freaking out, and

they busted you for shoplifting.

Oh, my God. Can you use your manicure scissors to cut me out? Val, it's really

you.

I know it's really you, because only you know that story, and you promised me

that you would never tell anybody.

What? Don't worry. I'm going to email it to Nikki, my hairdresser, to the bag

boy at the grocery store, to my yoga instructor, to my colorist. Blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah.

I would never do that.

You're right.

You should really stay out of the sun with that skin like yours. You should go

back to that nasty evil lair.

Nice try.

Yeah,

it's a real resume builder.

Let's run some red light.

Let's not.

Shell, I'm just pulling your chain. Dang.

Yep, once we get across the bridge, we're ten minutes from the security

checkpoint.

We out of that.

Val, what are you doing?

You've never seen anything so deadly.

What? Just leave that alone, please, okay?

Leave that alone, please.

Hey, you nut.

Stop that.

Give it to me.

You set off the timer.

I know.

Hold on.

Tasha Dexter, VIP.

I'm escorting the transport.

Hollywood bodyguard.

I need to check out your payload.

Go for it, dude.

Everything's going as planned.

Are you sure this mask is going to keep me safe?

Scientists from the CDC assured me.

The destruction and humiliation of VIP should be quite wonderful.

It's no time to start aerobicizing.

Oh, I got to stretch out. You know, it's a little crampy in the back there.

Now what?

What are you doing up here, Val?

Boring in the back.

Arthur said I can come up here and keep company.

Well.

It took me forever to wash the shoe polish out

of Ian's hair.

Enjoy your trip.

Too bad it's one more.

Drop off checkpoints four miles down the road.

It'll be smooth sailing.

You'll get the road all to yourself.

Cities, I like that.

Have a nice ride.

We will.

Last week when we bodyguarded Creed from those crazy fans.

Yeah, yeah, you know what? I love Creed.

Whatever, Joan.

We didn't work for Creed. Creed sucks!

Hey, you guys better get your butts over here. Val Double just commandeered the

transport truck.

My butts will be there in a flash.

Ram that Fiat off the road.

We can't. It's unstable.

Something's wrong.

Mickey isn't stopping.

Time for a new plan.

Suburban. Well, who the heck is driving this dump truck?

Psycho Jones.

Oh, no, evil Val, just turn on the timer or we're all going to be hyper

-conducted to death in three minutes and 50 seconds.

Okay, tell me what I've got to do.

I think I can talk Val through deactivating that valve. Hello? Lord

Come on, what are we going to do?

Val, stay cool. I'll coach you on how to defuse the device.

Deep breath, deep breath, just like playing Operation.

First, you've got to disconnect the canister from the detonator.

There's a metal plate there.

Take it off really slowly.

Okay, I did it.

First, you've got to yank out the green ladder.

Oh, Val, not right now, okay? I'm trying to save the world.

Get the hell away from that, Myers.

You're both under arrest for terrorist conspiracy.

Call you right back.

Listen, an evil Val impersonator has tried to convince you that a good Val

set off this...

Hands in the air now.

I'm not afraid to use lethal force.

Don't make this difficult, Iris. What, are you crazy?

Don't you know what this thing can do?

Hey!

I just knocked out our employer!

It's okay, let's put the good in the planet.

I'll have her back.

First you gotta yank out the green wire.

Mongo problem, there's like ten gazillion green wires.

We need to stop that truck or we're towed.

Master, we're looking at it right behind you.

Stay back. We're going up ahead.

Have fun.

Always do.

I have this twin.

Thank

goodness

you're here. We're running out of time.

Let Jones get some bread.

I got it down to two wires.

But I still need five minutes to figure out which one to cut.

Well, we've got 30 seconds.

Hey, pick one.

Me?

Pick one, I trust you.

Not me, I don't know anything about... Pick one!

I trusted you picked the wrong one.

Nice work, Kate.

My name is Valerie Irons, and this is the last time you're going to

me. Prepare to die.

You're the one who's dying.

The cops are on their way. Stay right where you are.

Why are you pointing that thing at me?

How do I know it's you?

Oh, Tasha, Tasha, Tasha.

You've been married four times.

Once to a dentist, twice to a sneaky chameleon latex -wearing pervert.

You're a bowling champion, and you make an excellent pot roast, which is really

bad because it's a lot of meat and potatoes.

You love me like the sister you never had, but you're too much of a scaredy

to admit it. Okay, fine. You got it. Thank you. No, it's you. Thanks. And you

have a pair of black action stretch pants in your secret drawer.

You've been in my secret drawer?

Well, Kay gave me the combo.

You know what?

I think I like having Joan around just a little more than you. Oh, that is

terrible. That's horrible.

Don't leave me here.

Come on, let's blow this place. We're missing the big bash at foam.

Yeah, yeah.

Not fair to keep my ladies waiting.

Hey, quick, wait a second.

Isn't Val supposed to meet us here later?

I'm not sticking around.

That's probably Val now.

With some stupid excuse as to why she's late. Hello, VIP.

This is your old friend, Joan Archer.

Okay, Joan, what do you want?

I want to kill you, but I can't.

Because I'm sitting Margarita's house right now.

Ooh, I hear they have a great club bed exchange program down there.

I'm not in jail.

My lawyer bailed me out.

Unfortunately, I won't be making the court appearance.

But I'll be seeing you very soon.

Okay, we'll see you, too. We'll just be three drinks ahead.

And I've got something very special planned for you, Tasha Dexter.

Ooh, okay, Joan.

See ya.

Val's so kooky.

Hello, this is VIP.

Please leave a message after the beep.

Hey, guys, it's Val.

Obviously, I've been blown off again. Thank you, Tasha.

Anyhoo, I'm running late, so I'll just meet you guys at the party.

Thank you.