Original subtitles

Can I borrow your bullet file because I got a crazy hangnail going on here?

No.

Well, you've got mail.

A postcard from the Yukon, Canada.

Oh, give me, give me, give me. Give me, give me.

From my Uncle Ned.

Uncle Ned who lost a family camper when he parked on Old Faithful. The park

ranger told him he turned it off.

Well, at least we know they're related.

Oh, you know what he's doing? He's trying to become a Royal Canadian

must be so pleased.

He's always following the footsteps of his older brother, Jed.

Way to go, Ned.

Watch out, world.

Uncle Ned is going places.

Ned Irons of the Royal Canadian Mounties. Here to serve and protect.

How may I help you today, ma 'am?

It wasn't quite well, as a matter of fact.

Who are you saluting?

Oh. Sergeant Rourke. Hi.

Nobody. I was just testing out the uniform.

I rented it for the Gold Rush Parade, eh? You're our administrative assistant,

not a Mountie.

Well, I was thinking maybe I could start out as a temp Mountie, kind of work my

way up. Zip it.

Did you get the transmission repaired?

Oh, yeah. I fixed it myself.

I'm very good with cars.

Sir, if you ever needed a spare Mountie, I'll rent one.

Just like you did that uniform.

I am still peeved at you for last week, giving that bank robber one of our

horses.

Oh, I am sorry about that, sir. Next time, if anything comes up, you call me.

Oh, gotcha, sir. Anything comes up, I call you.

Oh, Tahina, you look lovely for the big parade.

Good luck in the gold -rushed ducks' lead race, Sergeant.

Well, thanks, Tahina. You're too kind.

Tough old buzzard, that Tahina.

Holding on to her tribe even though they're losing their land. It's a damn

shame.

What?

But that's sacred land.

The Inuits have lived there for generations.

Well, not for long.

Some big conglomerate found a loophole in the law.

They're buying their land right out from under them.

Well, that really steams my muffins.

Oh, sir.

As long as I got the uniform on.

Yes, Ned?

Can I ride with you guys, please?

All right.

Hop in.

Thank you, sir.

Here we go.

See,

Ned? You're too trusting.

Okay, let me see the ancient land deed.

Once Bloom or Petroleum sees us destroy that smelly old piece of paper with

their own eyes, we get ten million dollars for the tribe's worthless land.

I must have dropped it.

I'll backtrack. I'll find it. I'm selling out the tribe and you lost the

You're the biggest idiot.

You, Tina.

You. Make that the second biggest idiot.

I heard about the land.

And I think that is so unfair. It's really bugging me.

You know about the land deal?

Yes, ma 'am, I know all about it. And I think that land should stay with its

rightful owners, the Inuit people.

Is he yanking our chain?

No one's that naive.

Oh, I have something that belongs to you. Now, this must be very important.

Does the sergeant know about this?

Oh, no, ma 'am, no, no. But he did say if anything should happen...

I should tell him right away. And I am definitely mentioning this.

Take him.

Hey. Hey.

Come back here.

He's the best netminder in the league.

Anyway, Sim's all loaded up. I'm making the run down to Los Angeles.

Okay, then. Bye.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Iron.

Plucked from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

his customers a boatload of money.

That means his wife's in danger.

Another paranoid white -collar dweeb.

The main greet's on Monday, and, uh... Oh, my God!

Friends, it's Supertizer's week for a full hour!

Look, we're talking about a job. If you could just stop babbling and listen for

once.

Fine. Okay.

You have my complete and undivided attention, okay?

Is this the VIP offices?

Uncle Ned!

How are you?

My favorite niece.

Oh, hey.

You're wearing the Mount uniform.

That means you passed your test.

Well, actually, it's a little more complicated than that.

Oh. Oh, you're here on a secret agent mission and want the spy guy thingy from

Mother Canada, right? Right? No, no, no, no.

There's this woman named Daina after me, and I got away in a delivery truck

filled with smoked salmon.

You're kidding.

Do you know me? Of course I'm kidding.

You are so funny. Come on, get me the VIP, Kay.

This is Kay. She is really good at computers.

And the grumpy one over here is Tasha.

She's really good at annoying people.

Ma 'am, how do you do? And this is Mickey.

She is VIP's queen of explosions and cars are. How do you do, ma 'am?

Yeah, cars are. Well, I love automobiles, eh?

Yeah? What's your favorite ride?

Well, that would have to be the 67 Shelby Mustang convertible.

If it doesn't have the stock belts, well, you can just forget it.

That car's the bomb.

So what brings you to L .A., Ned?

I can't really say. Well, at least not right now.

Wait a second. Are those your secret mission orders? Oh, yeah, and my job

start until that gets decoded. Well, pay is really good at decoding things. Here

you go.

Well, it appears to be turn -of -the -century writing in the hand of the

Shalikon Inuit.

I could run it through a few of my different translation programs, but it

take a while.

Hey, hey, that's no problem.

If your mission's so hush -hush, why the obvious uniform?

I told you she was annoying.

Well, actually, that's a very good point, Tasha. The fact of the matter is,

don't have any LA clothes.

Oh, well, don't worry about that.

The super shopper is here.

Come on.

Tahina, are you sure this was a good idea?

It's disappointing.

The mountains are all at the gold rush triathlon.

Let Irons know that...

We're filling out the tribe, but there's no way he had time to write down a

report. He's obviously more clever than we thought.

Hey, Sarge. Ned Irons here.

He said to tell you if anything came up. I would have called sooner, but I got

locked in the smoked salmon delivery truck. It's a long story. Anyway,

weird is up with Dina.

I tried to return this crusty old paper. She dropped it. She's just like totally

freaked, eh? So call me right away at 555...

Irons never even knew about our land deal with Glomar.

We must find him before he figures out what the parts men say.

Meet you guys at the tavern. Okay, sir. See you there, eh?

Tahina, what are you doing here?

The door was left open.

Ned.

That's why we're here.

We need to talk about Ned.

The great and mighty Ned Irons.

What did he do this time?

The man is a menace to our community.

I know that Ned is a pest, but come on, the guy is harmless.

I do not agree.

Even a flea causes disease.

Ned Irons can't spread jam on toast without dabbing himself.

You may have underestimated him.

He's crafty.

Are you...

Okay. Yeah,

I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be tired from the race.

What was that that you said again?

I said that Ned Irons is crafty.

Yes.

Yes. Ned Irons is crafty.

And he has a severe drinking problem.

Severe.

Drinking.

If you should talk, Ned.

Mm -hmm.

Don't believe a word he says.

Nope.

Not a word that he says.

Good boy.

a mouth, Mel? Of course he does.

Every mouth he has his own horse. Right, Uncle Ned? Oh, yeah, sure. I got a

beautiful horse. His name's, uh, Comet.

Oh, you're fat.

And clean.

And who's watching Comet while you're down here?

Well, I think that would be Mother Nature. You see? I freed him back into

wild. So sweet. We're so related.

Hey, guys.

Listen, guys, I've got to check out this new client of ours, the Wall Street

wussy boy.

Maybe Uncle Ned wants to tag along.

Well, I don't know. I don't think I should really go.

Don't you think I ought to put on one of my L .A. outfit?

No, no, no, no. Uncle Ned, stay red.

Anybody would want to be protected by a rock and a mountain policeman.

Oh, well, you know, Val, there is something I should do. I'd love a man in

uniform.

Hey, time's a -wasting.

I know something's gonna happen to me.

My ex -clients hate my guts.

Everything's gonna be cool, Mr. Bordner.

We'll follow your car all the way back to your condo.

That car's idle sounds a little funky.

All right, nobody panic. I can fix it.

All right, sir, you wanna pop the hood, please?

What does Captain Canuck think he's doing?

Ha! Just like I thought.

There's something caught in the driveshaft.

There's your problem right there.

There you go.

This baby's set to blow once the car hits 10 miles an hour. Okay, but we're

going anywhere until it's clean. Wrong. Ned pulled out the detonator wire.

The sucker's going to pop right now.

Maybe I should put this back, eh?

Let's go.

Oh, it's a good thing.

Sir,

I am so sorry about your car.

Oh, I can buy ten of those.

If I'd have been in that car, you'd save my life.

You're the bomb, Uncle Ted.

Hey, I think I'm ready. Here I come.

What do you think?

Hey, thanks for hooking me up with these cool threads, Val, really.

You look so L .A.

Hey,

that looks pretty intricate.

Well, you know, this is called a winchung dummy.

Yeah? Yeah, it's...

A practicing tool for the country.

Would you like to give it a try?

Oh, me? Oh, no.

Yeah.

Yeah, why not?

Oh,

my

God. I saw that look. You totally checked him out. You want 10 ,000 of his

babies.

I can't just pry into his personal life,

okay? That'd be so obvious.

Okay.

I'm gonna give you 411 on Uncle Ned's...

Hello. Are you Uncle Ned's secretary?

Ned Irons? Yes. This is Valerie, his niece. He's staying with me here in L

right now, and my friend was wondering if he was dating anybody seriously. Ned

Irons is a troublemaking, excuse -prone drunk.

If you care about him, you'd send him right back up here to face the music.

Ned's niece just called Rourke.

He's in Los Angeles.

Let's get to the airport.

translated your top secret mission order, you sure are odd.

A sweet old woman tried to kill me because of that paper. What's it say?

The sacred land shall always remain with the Inuit people so long as the sun

continues to rise and set.

So long as the bird continues to flop and the wolf runs free. The water should

cascade down off of the mountain and rush into the ocean.

In a nutshell?

This is an official land deed of the Canadian government.

It binds the land to the Inuit people in perpetuity.

Well, let's say, just for example, the sweet old woman turns out to be an evil

biatch who wants to sell the land. Oh, no, no, no can do.

This document would prevent that from happening.

What if the sweet old woman who turned evil didn't tell anyone about the deed,

then tried to sell the land?

The evil woman would live up to her evil name and most likely get away with it.

Unless a Mountie tried to stop her.

Hey, Kay, can you do some of that computer stuff and find out who'd want

this land?

Let me cross -reference Inuit with Yukon land sale.

Like that, it's Glomar Petroleum. They've purchased all of the land

the reservation.

That parcel must be worth a fortune.

Taina's selling out her own people.

I got to call Monty Central.

Pronto.

Yeah, we just landed.

This city does have great weather.

You're not on vacation, so shut up and listen.

Iron's niece is very accomplished.

She's the head of an elite bodyguard agency known as Valerie Iron's

Protection?

Well, that explains why he came down here.

Glomar Petroleum is threatening to pull the plug if they don't see that deed

destroyed before their own eyes.

Find Ned Irons, get the land deed, then kill him.

Not a problem.

If you fail, and I have to come down to that smog -infested cesspool, you'll be

terribly sorry.

Rourke. Oh, Sarge.

How come you didn't return my call? I left a message.

Well, I heard you attacked Roland in a drunken rage.

He attacked me.

And I also heard you manhandled that poor, innocent Tahina.

That woman is no good, sir.

I have evidence.

She's something of a wrong tribe.

Ned, I insist you come back here and turn yourself in.

I'm afraid I can't do that, sir.

Then we're going to have to come get you.

Oh, fine.

Kay, where's Val?

She's in the little lady's room.

Well, grab her, will you?

My mission begins.

Stat.

Kay, this needs to be filed.

Better do it yourself.

Kay's flown the coop.

I shut her to ask, but where is she?

She left a note.

Something about going on a secret mission from Mother Canada with Val and

Check this out.

Uncle Ned's reds are a load of borscht. Rented.

I had a feeling that guy was off.

Had an even uglier feeling.

Val doesn't know anything about this.

He's using us for something.

Let's go, Val.

So there I was in my backyard when suddenly, up through the ground, came a

bubbling crude.

Oil, that is.

Glomar Petroleum is an international oil exploration company.

You're not going to have to put one of those horribly ugly oil derricks in my

backyard, are you? They scare me. They look like dinosaurs.

This is so cool. We're fighting for truth just in the Canadian way. Be very,

very quiet.

Now, just look for anything about a land deal between Tahina and Glomar

Petroleum.

Is this Tahina? She's scary.

Oh, my gosh, Belle.

Yeah, but this is.

This is an open escrow account.

I mean, it's a clear violation of the deed and perfect evidence.

Nice job, Val.

You're so Canadian today. After I expose Tahina, I'll save the tribe.

And finally, maybe I can become a full -fledged member of the Royal Canadian

Mount... Royal Canadian what?

You're not a Mountie yet?

You're not a Mountie at all?

Hey, Val.

Look, you just, well, you seem so proud of me. You know, I didn't want to

embarrass you in front of your friends.

You don't have a horse named Comet?

No.

What about the spiffy red suit?

Rented.

You mean you lied to me and all my friends? You don't have a uniform or a

or a...

Special mounting mission or anything?

No.

Hey, I still love you, Uncle Ned.

Well, right back at you, buttercup. Hey, we better beat it out of here.

Tyena is going down. Excellent work, guys.

Mounties, onward, ho!

You guys totally missed it. We just missioned impossible to Glomar

All right, well, that's great.

Come here, pal.

I hate to break it to you, pal. but your uncle's not a real Mountie.

Oh, well, really good of you guys to catch up. You don't think I knew that? I

knew he was a Mountie impersonator.

What kind of niece would I be?

Anyway, he's in a lot of trouble. This powerful Inuit shaman witch freak is

totally after him. He exposed her evil plan.

Save it, Val. Had enough tall tales from your uncle for one day.

Hey, what's the deal?

You again?

Oh, my God, Uncle Ned!

Come on.

Can I tell them?

Petroleum needs to see this deed destroyed or they won't make the land

That's why Taina's so desperate to get it back, so she can make millions

off her reservation.

See, Pasha, my uncle might be a fake Mountie, but he's part of a more elite

Canadian club.

Heroes like Pac Hartwright, Captain Kirk, and Austin Powers.

Val. Don't even try and tell me they're not real.

Whatever. Call Mountie Central. They'll handle Taina. I tried that. Taina turned

them against me. I mean, everybody's after me.

Great. So now I've got this babysitting job till we get your mounting butt out

of this mess.

He's family. We have to help him. Yeah? Well, then he should have been honest

from the beginning.

You know, Val, I lived my whole life in your father's shadow.

First he's Mr. Know -Everything, and then he's Mr. Super -CIA Agent. That's a

tough act to follow.

Well, you didn't know that. We all thought he was Mr. Dead Guy.

Yeah. Even dead, he was a bigger success than me.

And look at you. I mean, the world's greatest bodyguard.

I'm not a hero like you guys.

I'm a nothing.

No, you're not.

You exposed Tahina's evil plan.

Yeah, by accident.

But you followed through and found the evidence to stop her. And put all you

guys in danger in the process.

Well, danger's our middle name here at VIP. If you didn't know, this is Tasha

Danger Dexter. We have K... You know what I mean.

Anyway, we're going to kick Tahina's freaky butt.

Oh, I hope so. That woman is crazy.

Speaking of loco, you simply must tell Nikki the truth about yourself.

Boy, I am not looking forward to that.

It is disgusting.

I kind of like it down here myself.

Never mind that.

Where's Lanzini?

Hey, he'll show.

I arranged the meeting just like you told me to. I still don't understand

Because you and Roland were too incompetent to get the job done.

Lanzini is a powerful mob boss.

They're the baddest dudes in America.

There he is now.

You wanted to talk to me?

I've got a job for you.

I'd do it myself, but I need some extra muscle.

I'm offering 20 grand.

You're offering?

20 ,000.

20 ,000.

That'll buy me a few nice times, huh, Marco?

I don't do contract work, honey.

You might want to call the Cordleone family.

My price just dropped to ten.

Ten sounds good.

Curtain guns try to dust you guys.

Oh, yeah, well, that's iron family for you. We're regular danger magnets.

Listen, Nikki, uh... There's something I gotta tell you.

You're not gonna get sappy on me, are you?

I'm not a real money.

Yeah?

And?

What do you mean, and? I just told you, I lied.

You're not fooling me.

I can sniff the phony across the whole parking lot.

Sweet. Plus, took her with just a hottie and a red uniform.

Even though it is rented.

Now look, I gotta go down to the harbor and make a delivery.

Get your butt back inside.

Yes, ma 'am.

Hey, your bikes, you know, they're beautiful, but the wind, it's just like

boom right over.

So, you know, it's rolling.

The VIP's got irons under wrap.

But I think I know how to get them out in the open.

Something? We know exactly where we are.

This is a real threat.

Hello, Valerie Irons Protection.

Oh!

Oh, that's great. Just hold on one second, okay?

Ned, it's someone from the mountains. They say they've cleared up everything.

Of course, of course, of course.

So you guys finally came to your senses? Hello, Ned.

You tricky little devil.

I'm here with a friend of yours.

Big mouth, short, and spunky.

Nikki, I swear, if you hurt her... The deed for the girl.

I need to know she's okay first.

Ned, don't listen to this freak.

Nikki, I am so sorry. Look, I know it's totally my fault.

Warehouse, corner of Main and 6th. If I see anyone from VIP, she dies.

I'll bring the deed.

Once we have the deed, kill him.

Then kill the girl.

That's some bad news, brother.

Somebody knocked over your motorcycle.

This is not my day at all.

Well, rumor has it the last person hanging in the parking lot was Uncle

You know, Quick, I just don't understand what she sees in him.

The way I hear it, Ned's an incompetent voop, and Nicky likes it.

Well, I guess I can't compete with that.

Be careful up there.

Nice move.

So have you got, like,

Men's room?

No. Oh, sure. It's right down the hall and to the left.

Oh, thanks.

I'll be right back.

Like a Dudley do -right flick going on in town or what?

You've seen a Mountian uniform?

Maybe.

We're looking for our friend.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've seen guys smiley around.

What's in it for me?

Yeah.

God bless Canada.

All right.

Your boy's hanging out with a good friend of mine.

Valerie Irons, a VIP.

Check it out.

Johnny won't mind if I borrow his bike.

First you attack innocent Tahina, and now you're stealing a motorcycle.

You're pathetic, Ned.

Ned's a no -show in the boys' room.

Before he vanished, Ned got a call from Mountie Central.

They said they cleared the whole thing up.

Play it back.

If I see anyone from VIP, she dies.

I'll bring the deed.

Tahina's got Nikki.

Oh, my gosh.

Ned went to save her.

That is so heroic.

You don't understand.

There's a girl in danger, and she needs my help.

Hey, listen, I am innocent. It's Tahina. She's the evil one. She set me up

because I figured out her evil plot. You know what she's doing? She is double

-crossing. her own people for profit. Can you believe that? Let me tell you

something, guys. We're Mounties. We're supposed to represent truth, justice,

Canadian way.

Now's the time for action.

Now's the time for heroes.

Come on, Mounties.

Onward, ho!

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, come on. Why don't you call my niece, Valerie?

Ned Iron should have been here by now.

Something's wrong.

They're here.

I sent it.

Show yourselves, VIP, or the girl dies right now.

Drop it, Tyena.

Not you dropping.

Ned's looking at you, kid.

Don't move.

Boo! Gotcha!

Ha ha! No one to cover me!

Ha ha ha!

Surrender or die.

Roland, she doesn't have a gun.

Take care of him.

Shaman, woman, witch, freak, whatever she is.

By the power vested in me by the Solicitor General, I hereby declare Ned

an official member... of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

Congratulations, Special Conqueror.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Working for this prestigious agency is a dream come true.

Yay, Uncle Ned!

You rock, Ned.

Oh, ouch. That's got to hurt.

You're going to hurt if you keep that up.

Dad, congratulations on your success, little bro. I always knew you had it in

you. Love, your big bro, Jed.

Thanks a lot, pal.

You look great.

Hey, wait, you guys.

I got a few awards for you.

For Tasha Dexter, who always believed in me.

For Keith Simmons.

I don't know what it is you do down there, but you can come up here and do

any time.

Quick Danger Williams, my brother from another mother.

To Johnny Lowe, who taught me it is not wise to fight a Wing Chun dummy.

And for a very special lady, Nikki Franco.

who taught me the meaning of those two beautiful words, booyah.

Yeah.

For the world's greatest need.

Boy, there's no metal in the world that's grand or sparkly enough to

just how beautiful and lethal you truly are.