Original subtitles

We'll be right back.

She's right. Tyler played Sabretooth in the X -Men flick. Yep, and it's

exciting, which makes it even more cool.

Pro -wrestling's fake, you know. What? Well, Tosh, it might be staged, but you

still have to... No, you still got to be in great shape in order to do all those

moves.

They do not teach the suplex in CIA training.

Well, maybe they should.

There he is.

There, how do I look? Good?

Hey,

Val. Brought you guys a couple of Sabretooth action figures.

Well, can your action figure be the... Big action figures?

I don't know. They look pretty tough.

They are.

Tyler, Tasha Dexter. Nice to meet you. This is Quick Williams.

How you doing?

I'm really glad you VIP guys could make it.

Is there a problem we should know about, big guy?

Couldn't be better.

We're a little confused about what you need protection from. Oh, it's not me

that needs the protection.

You hired us. I know, but it's not me that needs the protection.

Hey, I know you.

It's Tyler May.

Mr. Movie Star.

You must want an autograph.

You think you're tougher than me?

Here we go again. What'd you call me?

Nothing.

I just keep walking, man.

You're not so tough, man.

Let's see who the real man is.

In fact, you don't even look like a man with that girly hair.

Don't even go there, man.

Trust me.

Go back to Canada, you hillbilly.

Okay, okay. Now he's just myself in another Canada.

Take it easy.

I

really

hate when they do that.

The winner, once again, is Tyler May.

Well,

looks like Tyler isn't the one who needs protection.

Apparently not.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Fluxed from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

You don't do it.

Hey, I'm real sorry for what happened back at the bar. It's just that

I go, guys pick fights.

Well, those freaks so deserve it.

You ever heard of Just Say No? I tried. There's this little voice in the back of

my head that says, go for it, Tyler. Pound him, pound him, pound him.

Anyhow, that's why I hired VIP.

Well, sounds like you need a shrink, not a bodyguard.

Got one.

Doc says I'm blocking something.

Well, I mean, everybody knows he's a sabertooth.

Maybe a less menacing name would keep you out of trouble.

Something like, um...

Kitten cakes.

Can we just stay focused on the issues at hand if they're the ones in his head?

If you ask me, I think there's a simple solution.

Get some of the security cam footage from Foam showing Tyler kicking some

and post it on the Internet. That way, nobody will mess with him. There's

already a whole website dedicated to guys that I've pounded. It's like a

of honor to these losers.

Oh, my gosh.

He's right.

Get beat up by TylerMaine .com.

Gets a lot of hits.

Pun intended.

Well,

lucky for you guys, I have an incredible plan.

I have a list of things that'll keep Tyler out of trouble.

They are shopping for Beanie Babies, renting a Pee Wee Herman movie, making

fluffernutter sandwiches, and planting apple seeds.

Give them to the power driver. Val.

Tyler's already got a list.

Here's a list of appearances he's booked for around Los Angeles.

Unfortunately, most of them will probably get Tyler into more trouble.

Let's see here.

Signing autographs at prison.

Speaking at an auto mechanics convention.

Let me see this.

Okay, here we go. This one doesn't look so bad.

Appearance at a luncheon for the Association of Women Voters.

Go figure, they're like interesting speakers.

A bunch of middle -aged rich women?

Boring!

Exactly. No problem.

I'll do it for you.

Thank you. All right.

Okay, here we go. One, three.

One, two, three.

I'm your biggest fan, Tyler.

Actually, a lot of us here are fans.

I saw you fight a cage match in Vegas.

You did an amazing jackknife powerbomb.

Patricia,

what are you doing? Talking to someone a lot more interesting than you.

You're Tyler Maine at Pro Wrestling Clowns.

This pansy skips around in little tights.

He's a joke.

What's your most zipper brace?

Hey, hey, hey, easy, easy. Come on, come on.

Tyler, Tyler, calm down. I remember your therapy, all right? Hey, take your

hands off my wife. All right, ladies, that's enough.

Stopping to see here, ladies, please keep it moving. I guess you can't resist

real man.

Okay, that's it. Come on. Come on, Ray. Come on. Come on.

You better back up.

I don't pull my punches.

Ever see this Kessler guy?

No.

Good, that's me. Let's go. All right. Right this way.

You won't believe this. I'm looking right at Kessler.

You're sure it's him? He just left the event, got in a limo with his name

on it.

It's him.

Wow. Six weeks of dead -end leave and Kessler finally shows his face.

He's a lot bigger than I thought.

Get him.

I want him in here, find out what he knows and who else knows it.

I don't want to see him die.

This is the only known photo of Fallon, leader of the Red Coyote Militia Group.

They've been linked to seven terrorist acts in the last month.

I've seen the dossier. We barely have anything on them.

That changed when I created a phony super agent.

It was a line on Fallon's organization.

Legendary FBI analyst.

Keeps a low profile, master of disguise.

Fallon's desperate to find Kessler before he exposes Red Coyote.

What better way to ID his men than to make them come to you?

Clever. You lure out Fallon's guys by using a fake itinerary.

Looks like you have Kessler attending all kinds of glam events.

Today I got him booked at the Association of Women Voters Charity

I'd love to use a real agent. There's a decoy over the top. Brass shot me down.

It's too dangerous.

Darman?

You're kidding.

Patch it through.

We've got a line on Stalin's phone calls.

I don't believe this. I'm looking right at Kessler. You sure it's him?

He just left the event and got in a limo with his name marked on it.

It's him. Wow.

Six weeks of dead -end leads and Kessler finally shows his face.

He's a lot bigger than I thought. Get him.

I want him in here to find out what he knows and who will to know.

I don't want to see him die.

I thought you said Kessler didn't exist.

The limo was a setup to make Kessler reel the red coyote. Who the hell got in

the limo?

Well, I guess we better find out.

This guy might be just what I need.

Nicky's waiting outside to take Tyler to his next appearance.

Let's hope it goes better than the last one.

I can't believe the great Tasha Dexter couldn't handle much of middle -aged

boating granny.

You weren't there, Val. So what out?

You should have listened to my theater trouble activities.

Val, Tyler's got like bad chi. You know, he attracts trouble everywhere he goes.

Well, not for long. I totally thanks -weight him.

Showtime, Tyler!

These disguises are Val. No one recognizes Tyler. No one bugs Tyler.

Well, she's got a point, Tasha.

If I go back to wrestling, this is so my new gimmick.

And I can be a new manager. You know what? You can be the Wall Street Pimp.

are only green and gold. The color money and the color honey.

Who believes it? We just walked through a charity carnival with a packed house,

and nobody challenged Tyler.

Thousands of guys rocked.

Actually, it's a little uncomfortable.

Fine. You can tell her that when she gets back with the frappuccinos.

Meanwhile, it saved your ass.

Nice try, Kessler.

He's in disguise.

But I'm sure that's the guy we tailed from the office.

Let's get him.

Well, I guess now we know who needs protection.

Guys, this has got to be some kind of coincidence.

Doesn't make a lot of sense.

For Benjamin fans and hot -to -top ladies, it's one thing.

These guys were pro -hitters.

It's not like VIP doesn't have a share of the job of the Hutts looking for

revenge. No, no, no. They definitely said get him when they came after us.

but I was in disguise.

Which just means that they followed you from our HQ.

Well, it's a big jump to think it's Tyler they're after just because the guy

said him.

Guys! Do you think I could just hang out here like this all day?

Okay, my frappuccinos are turning into mud pies.

Val, we're coming.

Well, there's one way to find out.

One of us can go with Val and the rest of us can go with Tyler.

See who the bad guys follow.

Simple enough.

So, uh... Who wants to go with Val?

I'm going to have to go speak all myself.

Then I have to pee every five minutes on the way home.

Rock, paper, scissors?

Okay. See you, Tyler.

Break the leg.

Someone else's leg.

I'm telling you, this Kessler, he has his own protection.

VIP. Yeah, at least we're on the right track.

Kessler must be a real FBI mucky -muck to raid his own private bullet catchers.

What do we do?

You stick to him.

When the time is right, I'll come in and take him down myself.

Here's your Kessler.

Tyler Main, the pro wrestler.

A freaking civilian.

A freaking civilian's going to bring us commendations.

What's better than a fake agent that no one ever sees?

Well?

A real guy the Red Coyotes think is Kessler, but Darmann.

Using civilians?

It's something that we do for the good of our country.

In fact, I want to be there when Fallon shows his face.

How do you know he will?

For a chance to nail Kessler, Fallon would short -sheet his own grandmother.

Just make sure his guys don't lose the trail.

These VIPs can be tricky.

Oh, my God, you are a little fuzzy there. Now, Max and I can totally take

of that when we get home.

It's an Italian thing.

I'm already on to him. He's followed us for the last three turns.

What do you mean?

Max, what?

You're absolutely parallel.

I'm tired of you looking at my tailpipe.

Hey, Val, it's me.

Remember? I took you for a ride in my electric car.

Oh, yeah. Hey, EV1 guy.

Where's your EV1?

You know this guy?

Yeah. Remember? I was stuck in the middle of traffic when I got kidnapped

that wacky cult thing.

He was my knight in environmentally friendly armor.

Little EV's recharging. That's my boss's car. He wanted me to get it washed, but

then I saw you, and I found this in EV, and I thought it might be yours. Oh, I

think you think bracelet.

It was broken, so I... I fixed it. Oh, that is so sweet.

That is so sweet. So you've been following me around trying to give this

me this whole time?

Uh -huh.

That's sweet. That's really nice. Thank you, Evie One Guy.

Stop following me, okay?

You don't think she means it? I do.

It's really nice you guys to follow me around and make sure I'm safe.

That's what we do.

Okay, let's see these bad guys that are following us start shooting us again.

What then?

Well, we give them our version of the flying elbow.

It's called flying lead.

Yeah, but couldn't that be a little dangerous?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not afraid, are you?

Well, not emotionally. Come on, you're a Tyler Maine.

Sabretooth. Huh?

Fearless.

That's not what my shrink says.

This thing that I'm blocking, she thinks it's something that I'm afraid of

doing.

Like what?

I don't know, maybe getting shot at?

Help! Get out!

Quentin!

Nope, that didn't bother me too much.

Quentin, keep your head down.

Here they come.

That'll buy us some time. Let's go.

I think the bad guys were behind us. Yeah, but something high -powered with a

large caliber can flunk us.

Whoa, that was sick.

That didn't scare me. Did it scare you? No, no, no. I'm cool.

That scared me.

That just slowed him down a little.

Good.

We've got to make sure the red coyotes stay on Kessler's tail.

Follow him closely.

Don't move in until we know Fallon's with them.

It's already happening.

We're going to need some alternative wheels fast.

Good morning.

Are you Jewish?

No, but the big man here is close personal friends with Goldberg. You know

Bill Goldberg, the wrestler who started his WCW career with a 176 -match winning

streak?

Exactly. Come, let's pray together.

The Greek theater is a wonderful venue. We're hosting our sundown saboteur.

That's great, man. I love it, man. Look, I just got to keep it real with you for

a second. I need to borrow your fly ride, huh? Just for a second. Don't

I'll bring it right back. Ooh, love to pay us, huh? See? Me, you, brothers.

Model top.

Stay sweet, baby.

I don't know who that was, but he just took Moti's van.

Are you Jewish?

You all right back there?

I think we're going to have to help the passengers back here.

I have no money.

We only ask people to pray, not to donate.

What'd you say?

I told him he looked like a guy I used to know in the Israeli army.

You and Israeli Army?

Maybe.

So when do we give them the flying elbow?

Not with a civilian around. The best plan is to get you to safety, and then

regroup with Nicky and Johnny.

Cool.

Excuse me for five minutes.

I need to pray. Would anyone care to join me? No?

Fine.

All right.

I can't get a cell line out.

We're miles from anywhere.

You know what? They'd see the van even if we did try to escape.

I don't think that's going to be an issue.

The police found Tasha's car abandoned with the keys in the ignition and a hole

in the tire.

Well, they should have checked in with us by now.

Tyler must have gotten them in some serious trouble.

What's with the candles?

Val made a shrine for Tyler, wishing him a safe return.

You know, personal effects sometimes have a connection to the owner.

Ooh.

Good thing not everyone is as environmentally aware as VIP.

Okay, I got a bunch of dip twigs. Now what?

Well, normally we set motion sensors around the perimeter. Yeah, and where'd

get those? In the trunk of your Mercedes?

Really?

Really.

But instead we get poor man sensors.

Come on, I'll show you.

Okay.

Bad guys step on knees, we hear them.

How about a test?

What?

What? Were they here?

Do that again.

Oh, my God.

What?

What?

What?

Hey.

It's just that when I was a kid, I used to...

Never mind, you'll laugh. Come on, come on, come on. It's just us guys.

Hi. And Tasha.

I can take it.

I used to tap dance, okay?

Hey, it's a manly art.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Yeah, well, I really loved it. I got really good at it.

I got invited to the Junior National Tap Competition.

Well, that's cool.

Yeah, well, my friends didn't think so. They teased the crap out of me.

Called me sissy boy.

I blew off the contest and hung up my tap shoes for good.

The kids can be harsh, man.

I wonder why I didn't realize it until now.

Maybe you blocked it out. You know, like what your shrink said.

Well, you're right.

You don't even cost a couple hundred bucks an hour.

It also might explain why you body slam any dude who challenges you.

To pay back for your friends teasing you.

Well, it all makes sense to me now Thanks guys, I'm really gonna

sleep good tonight I'll take the first watch

What do you want with that?

I'm FBI.

Sasha.

It's me.

Agent Darman, you remember?

Who are you? By the way, I am authorized to pay you $20 ,000 a day.

Do you have any idea what this stuff is worth on the open market?

Enough to buy a lot of ugly Hawaiian shirts?

About $10 million last time we checked. Don't worry, I'm happy with my federal

retirement plan.

Protection? From what?

Me.

We're the good guys.

Put down the gun.

The guy almost wasted you.

You're welcome.

I invented a fake agent named Kessler. I've been using him as a decoy to draw

out the Red Coyotes.

Clever, but it still doesn't explain why they think he's Tyler.

I booked our Kessler in several high -profile appearances throughout L .A.

Then I leaked the itinerary.

Association of Women Voters Charity Luncheon.

You knew Tyler had been ID'd as Kessler and you didn't tell us.

I couldn't risk exposing the operation.

You put our client in unnecessary danger. That's low, even for you,

Well, one thing we know. You didn't come all the way out here to apologize.

You want something from us.

Tyler has to remain as Kessler.

Forget it.

It's the only way I can bust Red Coyote's leader.

Tyler's got another engagement. Get lost.

Wait a second. I want to play Kessler.

Tyler, these military guys are hardcore.

I mean, it's not like you wrestling Hulk Hogan in a cage match.

Is it possible I could get my head blown off?

I'll be honest with you, Mr. Maine.

That is well within the realm of possibility.

Well, in that case, I'm your guy.

Whoa.

Tyler, I think you bounced your skull off the post one too many times.

Don't you see this is my chance to finally do something that's real?

And do some good for your country.

Rip it, Darman.

Look, I wasted all this energy getting into useless fights because I was picked

on as a kid. I gotta do this.

We're not letting you walk around with a target on your back.

I hired you guys for protection when I wasn't even in danger. And now that I

you're gonna walk out on me?

Well. Guess it's settled.

Tyler has one last appearance as Kessler.

That's in VIP's own backyard.

Your favorite bar.

Phone.

Just took down one of our local contacts.

Kessler's scheduled to make one more appearance, then he heads back to

Washington.

Got that club on the beach.

Phone.

I think it's time we sat down and had a little talk with Mr. Kessler.

to the first annual Celebrity Talent Contest.

All proceeds will benefit the Los Angeles People's Clinic.

Cool to go through with this? Yeah.

I got your back, brother.

We're at the entrance.

Nothing yet.

Val and Nikki look like a lot to win the talent competition.

Remember what Fallon said.

We scope out the place.

Let him know where Kessler's sitting and keep VIP off his back.

including Sonny Chair.

We got you coming.

No, no, no. Come on. Sit down.

What are you doing?

Sit down, you idiot. Come on, man. You've got to sit down.

I've got to dance.

Alan won't show his hand. Kessler's got everyone looking at him.

Hey!

Hey! William, damn it. You're supposed to be hand -holding. Get that maniac

in his seat.

He's your buddy.

I know it's unusual, but since it's for a good cause, can I please join you?

All right, guys, give us some room.

Ship champ?

You've been plaguing me all my life.

I finally feel alive.

You know what, Squirt?

I think I was kind of enjoying myself.

Keep your eyes open for some red -tie hootie types.

You want me, pal?

Stand up when I'm talking to you.

All right, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Hey, keep it up or not!

Oh, my God.

Val, he's an old man. That's, like, so mean.

I'm not talking about his age. I'm talking about his game.

That's such an adaptation.

And it's not a movie producer or a wannabe actor or something like that.

Val, that's him.

Boogie, it's Rick. It's Val.

Oh, no.

Everyone's going to panic. It's going to be a stampede. It's going to be like a

melee. Everyone's going to freak out. And it's going to be like one of those

hooligan soccer games where we travel to death.

Val, there's 50 people. We've got to cover Tyler.

Witnessing here is all part of the acting, not about your secretion. We're

to be here for a long ride.

We got to get you off stage, man.

Hey, don't even ask, man. I couldn't stop if I wanted to.

Well, you risked your life to help us nail this dirtbag.

Your country's in debt.

Well, it has been some time, Tyler.

Left in the outback by the hot seeds, recruited by the FBI, and figuring out

what's been bugging you all these years.

I tell you, it doesn't get much better than that, does it?

Wrong. It doesn't get much better than this.

His booty in a talent contest.

Yep. The Tyler and Quick for the bomb.

You know, Maxwell's going to manage it. We're going to call you Big Heels and

the Magic Toe.

Wow, that sounds great, as long as I'm not the Big Heel.

No, we're going to take us on the road. We're going to go to Vegas, Atlantic

City, all the big ones. We're going to Bronco, Missouri, because you know, the

Osmonds own that place, so that's totally dialed in.

We're going to have a tour bus with pink flames, a retractable stripper pole,

and a jacuzzi.

And Kate could do the website.

Thanks, Val. I'll think about it.

Quick, how come you never told us that you were the, like, lean, mean, you

tapping machine?

Yeah, someone's in denial. Hey, hey, I'm proud of my feet.

I mean, you know, you guys just never asked me about my secret talent.

We're asking.

All right, well, I didn't have the chops to sing in a church choir, so I did the

Honeycoes, Nicholas Brothers, Hoofers, Copasthetics, Mojangles thing instead.

You know what?

VIP's secret talent could be the opening act.

Okay. What are our secret talents? Think, think, think.

Well, I can stab time.

You can? That is so zen. Do it, do it.

I just did.

Started up again.

You know what?

I could shoot a burst of fire out of my butt using baking soda and a lighter.

Want to see? Oh, my God, Mel.

Please. That's hot.

I'm just kidding. Duh.

Wow. We got three -ring circus of talent right here. This is great.

Tosh could be the bearded lady.

What are you going to do, Val?

Well, one of my many talents, I can hum the national anthem while operating

heavy machinery.

Now that is talent.

That is talent. I'll fix it up.