Original subtitles

That little thing better not leave little puddles of battery acid all over

office.

The B -O -D can hear Y -O -U.

Earth to Val, your pet's a T -O -Y.

I play with a personality.

Look.

I'm trying to get you to like him.

Well, I think Val is way cool.

Which is more than I can say.

About time Casey and the Sunshine Cult got here.

The Centaurians are not a cult. They're an ancient spiritual group.

You can read all about their teachings on their website.

Centauri Prime.

Okay, I stand corrected.

Mm -hmm.

Help.

Sorry, we're late. Bitchin' Fender Bender on the 405.

Cayman, Tasha Dexter. Pleasure to meet you. Valerie Irons, so nice to meet you.

I'm Cayman, executive director of the Centaurians.

This is Rigel, our spiritual guide.

Oh, I love the whole blue man group vibe you got going on there. I always say

find a cover that works and stick with it. Once for an entire month, I would...

We understand you expect a big turnout for this museum piece.

Our biggest yet.

We pull more of a crowd with each city we visit.

Oh, I can't wait for the intergalactic tiki thingy. You mean the Centauri.

It's an obelisk made from a meteor that fell to Earth from the Alpha Centauri

galaxy in 1951.

This thing weighs two tons.

Show me where to drop her. It's going to be out here on blast for everyone to

see. In the clean room.

Smart. Leasing a building that used to be an ultra -secure government facility.

Our experience has been that's the best way to protect the Centauri.

It's worth $12 million on the open market.

Because of the jewels you had embedded in it. Jewels that you've fleeced from

our followers.

Forgive Rigel's drama. Those jewels were given gladly as a show of commitment.

They used to value its commitment to spiritual values, but...

You seem to have forgotten that. Excuse me.

Well, Rigel's a bit behind the times.

Spreading a message isn't easy.

People just don't respond to handshakes and flyers anymore.

You have an inquisitive character and an open mind, Valerie Irons. Oh, you're

not the bad guy.

Okay, back to business.

So you have all this high -tech protection. What do you need from us?

Well, the building's a giant vault.

It'll keep people out, but who's going to watch the people that are already

inside?

You. You.

James got a new twist.

Valerie Irons and VIP?

They're going to blow everything.

Take a Xanax, Miranda.

We're jacking the Centauri and no Hollywood bodyguard's going to stop us.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Plots from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

Thank you, Tony.

Nice touch.

The building's existing security system is state -of -the -art, which, you know,

is just a step below VIP standards.

No, that's fine for computer chips.

This place will be humming with customers, any one of whom can be wanted

entirely for their own.

I agree.

You should talk to the mighty Kamen about amping up security.

This place rocks!

Did you feel the vibe in this room?

I'm picking up something good.

We'd like to talk to you about augmenting our security package.

Round -the -clock bodyguarding might be more appropriate.

There are no visitors here after hours. You hope.

I know.

VIP was hired for crowd control, that's it.

Stop worrying, my friend.

The power of Centauri is on our side.

Excuse me.

Does that feel a whole lot better now?

What? The power of Centauri doesn't make you feel all warm and fuzzy?

Centauri Prime tells of our founders' prediction that a great source of energy

would come to Earth from the stars.

We believe that celestial power to be embodied within the meteorite now known

the Centauri.

We are ecstatic to be able to showcase the Centauri in the sunniest city in

America.

Luckily, I've come prepared.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Heyman will now answer your questions regarding Centauri.

Mr. Heyman, over here. Mr.

Heyman, tell us how you started Centauri. This Heyman guy's got crabs in

nebula.

Mr.

Heyman, how many members... Tell us what other cities you'll be touring. Well,

we travel on to San Diego next, then we take a cruise to Hawaii... Tasha, climb

with the boom like a nine o 'clock.

See what I see?

His mic's not hooked up.

He's casing the joint.

Let's take him out, nice and quiet.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Excuse us.

Mom hasn't been tripped. He didn't go through here.

Where the hell did he go?

These are all the photographs taken at the press event.

That's the guy right there.

Well, even Mr. Boone is.

Roberto Bobby Perez.

First in his class at Caltech on a math scholarship and captain of the boxing

team. Wow.

The numbers with muscles.

I like it.

Does this Perez guy have a record?

Interpol has a file.

Perez was linked to several high -end thefts.

Maybe Cayman will rethink his security now.

Well, he shouldn't be hard to find. He's renting a house up in Malibu.

I need Vince Cayman to let us guard the building.

Do me a favor. Be quiet. And let me do all the talking.

Fine. My lips are zipped.

Cayman! We ID'd the guy at the press conference.

Valerie, my prayers to Centauri have been answered. Well, I came in. I love

house you rented.

It's muy excelante.

That's French.

Ralph, as I was saying, this guy's name is Bobby Perez.

Who's she talking about?

Oh, Bobby Perez. Well, he's this really, really bad international robber dude

who's trying to steal the Centauri. We can't let that happen.

Please, go away.

Oh, that was virtual.

We think you need more security.

Yes, and VIP is willing to guard the building around the clock.

That's not in the contract.

Free of charge.

Oh. Well, in that case, great idea.

How hard was that?

You strike me as a spiritual person.

Well, I... I don't need you here.

Well, it's locked down.

Safe and sound.

Okay,

where's Centauri? I know it's somewhere nearby because my body's tingling.

How'd you guys sneak in here?

Well, if it was, it wouldn't be sneaky, would it?

I gave her the code.

Yeah, and I made her do it because, well, on account of my great idea,

is souvenir.

Sorry, lollipops, keychain, t -shirts. We're going to make a killing.

Enough talking. Take me to it because that's a religion in Macau.

No, I don't think hustling for a buck is the kind of religious experience that

Centauri is supposed to inspire.

You worship your way, I worship mine. Whatever.

We just got done locking this joint up.

We only need a couple minutes.

Max needs to take a couple digit pics so we can get out of here.

Oh, if you'll excuse me.

Depart. Are teeth at work?

All right. You're the boss. We'll set the alarm and patrol out back. Come on,

Nick.

Okay,

come on.

Wow.

The two bodyguards just left the building. We're clear.

Okay, ventilation ducts are covered in motion sensors. No touching and pull

the building's security code, okay?

Can you pick winning lottery numbers with that thing?

Don't need to. This is a winning lottery ticket.

What would we do without your snazzy gizmos, Perez?

Bag groceries.

Okay, get to work, big guy.

You're up there for the bod.

Okay, this will shut off the laser turrets and open the security door.

I'll guide you through the duct.

Let us in as soon as you get to the door.

Hold tight, Tiny.

Okay? I memorized the code.

Oh, much

better.

Oh, my gosh. This Centauri souvenir line is going to be so hot.

I remember that duck was tricky.

When do I get a raise?

We'll negotiate after we steal that Centauri, okay?

I'm a genius.

Chocolate Centauri.

That's fine. I thought you said the building was clear.

I know you're in there.

All right.

Nobody moves. Nobody gets hurt. We just want the Centauri. Oh, yeah?

Come and get it.

That engine.

What engine?

Clean the earwax out, dude. It's a V8 Ford Taurus. Coming from the service

engines.

I'll get their attention.

Rick's got to do with me.

Whatever we want.

I'm so hungry.

If only I didn't trade my last knickers bar to Kay. Hey, you broke my bracelet.

That is very valuable, you big lunk.

Right.

They're shrinky dinks.

It has sentimental value. My best friend has the same one.

Okay, I caught our fence. Everything's on schedule.

We'll meet him in Big Bear, then it's off to Buenos Aires.

Oops, I forgot my passport.

Do you ever shut up? Easy, Miranda. Boost your blood sugar, will you?

There's no way I'm eating one of those vacuum -sealed mad cow popovers.

I was very specific on my breakfast order.

I remembered.

You did?

Oh, my God, snowballs, pixie sticks, fiddle faddles.

Where's the fondant?

They were out, Rock Gut. Just enjoy what you got.

Yeah, you never know when it's going to be your last meal.

Oh, what, are you going to kill me?

You're not, are you?

You're kidding, right?

It would have taken any other second story guy two hours to crack the

room security code.

He did it in ten seconds.

Oh, I analyzed the security breach.

Perez used a random number sequence generator way beyond anything I've ever

seen. Who cares how they broke in? Those punks took Val. We gotta move.

Right. Let's split up. Shake every snitch in town by the ankle, see what

loose. Uh, guys, who's gonna tell Kamen that the Centauri's been stolen?

Nobody. We're gonna get it back.

They might have a little problem if the Centaurians come to take a look at their

rock. They will deal with that if it comes up.

Hello, people.

I may not know where Perez is now, but I know where he's been.

Two days ago, he used his speed pass to buy gas in Big Bear.

And a week ago, too.

That could be his hot out. I'm going to go check it out.

Nick, you don't know that he's going back there. It's a long shot.

Tell that to Val.

Atari is an organization that will bring everybody the spiritual enlightenment

that they're all seeking, and we're here to bring it to them.

We try to bring the magic of the cosmos here to Earth.

Excuse me a moment.

Roger, what are you doing here? I thought this wasn't your thing.

What's next, Kamen?

Bumper stickers?

Centaurians do it in zero gravity? Oh, quit complaining. Look at all the people

I've brought in. You're turning Centauri into a joke.

When I discovered Centauri, you were having meetings in the basement of a

library. Now we're on every major network. I've turned Centauri Prime into

Centauri. Prime time.

And lined your pockets in the process.

Centauri Prime says our thoughts create our world.

My thoughts happen to have dollar signs.

The retreat's coming up. You can reconnect with your spiritual side

Meanwhile, here's some advice.

Loosen up, old man.

Miles, everyone.

Miles.

It's lovely up in the mountains. It's so wonderful up here. The cozy cabins, the

big fireplaces, the gorgeous ski hunts.

All righty.

So, have any of you guys ever broken into, say, Fort Knox or anything? You've

been yapping for an hour straight.

Another piece, and you'll be sorry. Donna, relax.

It was thieves, not killers.

Bill, tell me what the hell we're going to do with her.

We'll dump her once we get the cash. No big deal.

But you're driving me out of my mind.

She never stops talking.

And if you don't know...

Let us eat. No, thank you.

Moldy O is on the radio. I don't think so.

Wow,

an electric car.

Violent and not environmentally deadly.

Can you drive me to L .A.? You bet.

And now we can take the car from there on the whole way.

Nice obelisk.

Thanks. Actually, it's the great centauri. It kind of represents the

the sun.

Ah, solar power. Now you're talking. I live a green lifestyle.

Recycling, composting.

Even my refrigerator is connected to my treadmill.

Really? That is so great.

But can this go quite quickly and fast? Because there's going to be an

interstellar incident if I don't get this back in time.

Now there goes a one -man energy crisis.

More like a one -woman energy crisis.

That's my ride.

Turn around. Turn around.

That was Nikki. She's got Val and the Centauri. Yeah, they better move it

because Rigel's here and he's going to want to see his baby.

Hey, Rigel.

What's happening, man?

Listen, I thought everybody was partying at the beach.

Apparently, I'm not wanted there.

Cayman thinks I'm out of step with the movement.

Wow, that is harsh, man. I thought you Centaurians were all sunshine, happy

people. They haven't been that way for a long time.

And neither have I.

Sorry, we're closed.

I need to view the Centauri now.

We're running a level nine lockdown sequencing drill.

Yeah, this whole building's sealed up tighter than a drum.

Oh, then why is that door open?

Ada, when that happened?

Yeah, well, I guess it's back to level one. Yeah, I want to view the Centauri

now. Listen, you can't really... It's not time.

Hi, my guy.

I know. I'm covering the streets up. I need to take a shower.

I was bird watching.

I love Carol.

You know, Cayman may have been mesmerized by your beauty, but... Well,

that's weird.

Gay guys usually like me.

I'd like a moment alone, please.

Knock yourself out, little boy blue.

We owe our life to the sky.

But the light of your shining star has fallen cold on some.

They profess to honor all that you give.

But a new idol has replaced you in their hearts.

And its name is green.

Canaan and his kind will pay.

For their blessing.

Southside's covered.

Anybody who tries to get in is going to have to go through me.

We've got a clear view of the booth in case anyone's dumb enough to try that

again.

Now, provided none of us dozes off.

That's why our backups have backups.

This little Dismar bar from a CIA friend of mine takes extra photographs.

If there's a weakness in any part of it, someone might break in. You know, we'll

know it.

Are you sure no one left any personal effects inside?

Once I hit this key, a time lock is activated and no one will be able to get

inside. Not even us.

All right.

Seal it up.

Today's the big day.

When you greet your visitors, shake their hand firmly, look them in the eye,

put on a big welcoming smile.

Hi there.

I'm Cayman.

Your aura speaks of kindness and intelligence.

See how easy it is?

Size up your visitor.

Make sure you use words like beauty, goodness... Look at them. ...generosity.

Whatever it takes to get their hands reaching for their wallets.

Cayman and his veto ways have poisoned them.

This blasphemy can't continue.

In this way... Rigel, you are the pure voice. ...we can continue to share the

joy... We should take the Centauri and recruit true believers elsewhere.

You have a good heart, Cleo.

You realize... But there are many ways that Centauri can aid us in our time of

need.

There's a whole building on disk.

Wow,

that x -ray camera is terrific.

Now if I'm ever hanging anything up, I certainly don't need a stead finder.

Oh, my God, Max and I sell me one of those when we go club hopping.

Those pictures are way overexposed.

They're supposed to look that way.

These are X -ray photographs of the clean room building.

Oh, wow.

What is that?

The camera must have photographed the Centauri, too.

Right through the walls.

But what is that nutty -looking thing right there? There's no way that came

an asteroid.

Looks like my 20 -ounce can of Australian hair.

Hold on. I'll zoom in on it.

Val's right.

It's like some kind of canister inside the Centauri.

Can you say that again, please?

It looks like there's some kind of canister. No, no, the first part, the

where you said Val's right. I want to record it. Speak into the microphone.

Okay, hold on.

That thing next to the canister is a timer. That's never a good sign.

Okay, well, let's not overreact. I'm sure Cayman knows something about this.

Val's right, and you can answer the phones while we're gone.

Val's right.

Yeah.

Nobody here.

Let's check inside.

Time to walk the dog.

Let's see if Santa left us something.

Well, let's not wait till Christmas.

I guess we know who owns the box.

Rigel.

What do we have here?

Rigel's turning Japanese.

Yeah, it's a sharing gas.

An extra nasty terrorist toy.

It matches the canister we saw inside the Centauri.

No sign of Rigel.

You know, I could deactivate his little party gift if somebody could get me

inside the building.

We're working on it. Keep us posted.

Okay? Still scanning, but there are no weak spots that would allow us in.

Kamen still hasn't returned my call.

We'll have to turn the blue heads away when they get there.

I'm not so sure that's going to work.

What is it?

See all those ventilation ducts? Our burglar proofing keeps the bad guys out,

but it doesn't keep the poison in.

When the gas is released, it's going to travel through those ducts and go...

Outside. One gust of wind could spread the sarin gas.

The amount in that canister could contaminate... 14 square miles.

Which means evacuating the public... Isn't an option.

Neither is blowing a hole in the wall because... Couldn't trip the detonator.

There's got to be a way to... Override the security system?

Mm -mm.

It's time -release, like a bank vault. Once it's set, even we can't get back in

till morning.

Damn. You set up the perfect lock.

Then we need the guy who can pick it.

You read my mind.

Bobby Correa.

Yo, man, I'm just here to talk, all right?

Huh?

That's how you want it, but I don't have a lot of time to play.

I thought I saw you like a pro, huh? You didn't mention that. You didn't want to

talk, remember?

Look, I hate to do this, but got to go, got to go.

Are you taking me in?

Why would I do that?

Officially, nothing's been stolen.

Centauri's locked up so tight nobody can get near it.

Except maybe you.

How'd you like to steal it again?

You're sleeping beauty.

It's time you had to tell somebody where you're going.

We've been looking for you for hours.

I trust you've come for enlightenment.

Actually, we're here to enlighten you.

You know about all the fun you're going to have in jail.

We found your little package.

Geek like you in the big house, your face is going to be electric blue.

Centauri Prime was a bold union of fate and belief.

It had the power for true good.

And then Caiman comes along.

and turns it into an infomercial.

Both he and his followers must be punished.

It's not just going to be Kamen and his followers.

A lot of people are going to die.

Tell us how to deactivate the timer.

Oh.

Witness.

Unfortunately, it's the only hope to restore Centauri to the hands of its

believers. Enough jawboning, Gandhi.

You're right.

The time for talk is over.

It's time for me to move on now to the next level.

Catch me if you can.

There goes my party.

Well, according to the security system printout, you guys did a bang -up job of

supergluing the place shut.

Why don't you save your sweet talk for your next cellmate? You've got a lot of

work to do.

I can't have a... I keep asking myself, you know, what's in it for me?

Maybe we were wrong about this guy. I guess you're not up for the challenge.

Well, now, I hate to reveal any secrets, but your best bet is still to lose.

No,

he's a good guy now.

I thought we had that little yappy thing locked in the car.

Don't you talk about him that way.

I was talking about you.

All right, Bobby, the roof.

Uh, yeah.

I see it's been triple reinforced and electronically sealed, too. Were you

expecting some trouble?

Whoa, what's that?

Oh, well, this is my electronic skeleton key.

Activating the time lock was a spiffy idea. It's 99 % impossible to crack.

Ha!

Good thing I'm in the top one percentile.

Okay.

Now we got to get a body inside.

Okay, you look about the right size here. Put this on.

Okay, we've already popped the vent off, so now we just got to get a little

Nikita here inside and get to the clean room with this.

Pop the door locks and we're home free.

Okay. Hook her up.

Not so fast.

There are laser turrets in the corridor.

Not a problem. Just drop in by the keypad with this gizmo.

Where's the code breaker?

What?

She'll be in the corridor.

The lasers are set to fire for Rochefarth.

I know how to stop her.

Wow, this photo reception is great.

I can't believe if I meet reception, it's going to end up.

Hello? Val, stop right where you are. The corridor is lined with lasers.

Phone's dead.

We've got to get her out of there. Well, this is the only way in thanks to your

lockdown. Well, grab that cable.

This puppy's going in after those puppies.

We need to get that mutt stat.

Get inside the cleaning room before the Centauri blasts off.

Bowser, here, boy.

No, no, no, stay, stay, stay.

I have to save him.

No, Bowser.

You scared, Mommy?

How do I get back?

You don't. The key path's right behind you. Use Presence Gizmo to turn off the

lasers.

Oh, you so need obedience, school.

for beer.

Nice work, Nick.

Yeah, real nice.

We'll take the Centauri now, if you don't mind.

Well, we might.

Okay, well, not that much. You can go ahead.

You know,

Rigel might have been an old dork, but he was right about taking the Centauri

away from Kamen and his goose.

We were going to have to Jules out after the gas killed the rest of them, but

this way's fine, too.

This isn't very Centaurian of you guys.

You're right.

Thanks for all your help.

You know, everyone wants it on my turf, and I'm getting a little tired of it.

Okay, put the guns down.

Put them down!

Hand it over.

Thank you.

How far do you think you're going to get with that? After I lock you in pretty

far. Should have turned you in when I had the chance. Yeah, that's right. You

should have. Then you'd be stuck in Sharon right about now. See, the way I

at it, this is just payment for saving so many lives.

Okay, now everyone just stay right where I can see you.

Oh, yeah? Well, you can look at us all you want. You think we left that door

unguarded?

Nice try.

I think the excitement got to Bowser.

Well, not a clean room anymore.

prototype of Max's latest invention.

What happened to the Centauri souvenir?

Oh, it was a bust after that nauseous gas thingy, so we had to come up with

something else.

Bring it on, little Max.

Meet my new best friend, Probotoss.

Personalized robotic pet.

You can put anybody's face on him.

Yeah, you're funny.

Yep, she obeys every command.

Okay,

roll over, hooker.

Good girl.

That's everything I wanted to.

Okay, you had your fun. Now you can put it away.

I don't think so.

You haven't seen her breakdance yet.

She has the electric boogaloo.

Come on, girl.