Original subtitles

Excuse me, bartender.

I ordered a module. That is a module.

Well, where's the curly straw with the little Mexican sombrero on it?

Excuse me?

The pineapple wedge, the recyclable stirring stick, and all the mini

Vowel strings are usually whipped up by Mixmaster Relic.

Who's Relic?

Hello, bold kick -ass bartender. The employee of the millennium.

Oh, yeah, I remember seeing that guy.

But it was days ago.

He hasn't been back since.

What, did he leave us a note or anything?

Just his car.

It's been parked on the street so long they booted it.

My spidey pants are tingling.

You think he's a victim of foul play?

Smells like it.

This is relic shift. He would never blow us off.

Come on, let's go check out his ride.

Well, you kind of look like Relic.

I do?

Come on.

You'd think an undercover cop would know where to park.

Uh -oh, Ralph has his light on. His whole car battery is going to fizzle

Oh, no. I set off the alarm.

Actually, it's a detonator.

Better take cover or we'll toast the strudel. Everybody get out of here.

Come on.

Get down.

I guess you don't have to pay for those parking tickets.

Looks like somebody owes that relic extra crispy.

Hopefully they haven't already succeeded.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Plucked from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

Mercury switch tied to a brick of sulfur and potassium nitrate?

This stuff puts the boo in booyah. Okay, guys, I checked Rob's cell phone,

emails, pages, BlackBerrys, fax machine. I even checked his responses to his

personal ads in the LA Reader.

But that's my idea.

Plus, he hasn't responded to anything.

Maybe he's testifying he can't yak to anyone.

Okay, check with the courthouse. He's not scheduled in the books.

I know what happened.

He was accidentally locked in a shipping crate and shipped to Taiwan.

That kind of stuff always happens to undercover cops.

Thanks for trying, Ruth.

Sorry, I can't help.

Oh, please stop annoying people, Tasha.

Hi, Val.

Hi.

Do you have any little secrets you want to share with me about Relic?

Like I told Tasha, it's not my division.

You know, I'd love to tell you, but rules are rules. I get my ass handed to

Please, please, please, please, sweet little old me, please.

Okay.

I heard he's working on something big. Has to do with organized crime. That's

all I know. You didn't hear it from me.

Thanks, Chris.

Undercover mission from VIP.

No, no, no. We are not sticking our nose in police business.

Oh, come on.

Relic is more than an undercover bartender.

He's like my little brother.

We're obligated to find him.

Relic lives like a sloth.

Say anything yeah enough surfboard wax to open a candle shop

Check

this out dated Monday the 9th

It's the last day the relic was seen at phone. Mm -hmm.

It's a police log of a money laundering operation.

Date's on one side, dollar amount on the other.

I don't think so.

Looks more like an international shipping manifest.

I mean, see?

Date, item code, value.

You seem pretty sure about that.

Well, I'm also sure that you're wrong.

Okay. Time to put your money where your mouth is, baby.

How about a little wager?

Okay. Well, you're wrong.

You watch the problem. And when you're wrong, you spit shine the Ducati.

Yeah? Well, let's have the master settle this.

Sorry, Johnny.

You're way off the mark.

Ha! He shoots, he scores.

Make sure you get all the grime out of the wheel rims. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Quick.

You're not right either.

Ha!

The official seal belongs to North Los Angeles University.

And this is a class registration form for the fall semester.

So who's making the grade?

I don't know, but they certainly have a very ambitious schedule.

I think it's theater time for camp.

I think, since I figured this out, you guys should wash my teeth.

Have a little more rather tempting territory on our power wheel.

Thank you.

Oh, you've got to love school, huh?

Perfect.

There he is! There he is! Oh, and his fashion sense is really on the fritz.

Looks kind of like a student.

Oh, you know what he's doing? He's doing that Rodney Dangerfield back -to

-school thing. I bet he's really embarrassed that he never graduated

better go talk to him. Val, Val, I think this could be that something big that

Grisby was talking about, remember?

Val! Come to the toga bash, Todd.

It's gonna rock.

It will.

I never miss a party. It's nice meeting you guys, huh?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

You! You!

We were really worried about you. How come you don't answer your cell phone?

I know you? Excuse me?

Don't be all Joe College on me.

And, by the way, how attached were you to your vehicular transportation?

Because... I'm sorry. I think you had me confused with somebody else. I've got

to get to class.

That little stinker just acts like he didn't even know me.

Well, Val, maybe he's working undercover here.

Oh, that's so strange.

Is that a TV show?

Mind if I tag along?

Detour time.

Stop slapping me, Val.

You know who I am?

Yes, Val, I know who you are.

Is he really undercover as a student?

Yeah, and that guy just took a shot at me. I think you let him here.

Oops. Six months of police work might be down the drain.

Thanks a lot.

The case has been ongoing for six months.

We're building a case against Hans Lamal.

Lamal?

Good luck. That dude's the slipperiest mob boss in L .A.

No one's ever even seen his face.

True, but we've ID'd several of his lieutenants, including this punk, Kenny

Farmer.

He runs Lamal's sport book operation.

He's in North L .A. University as a base.

He's a frat boy from campus.

My job is to keep an eye on him until they're ready to reel in the net.

How long before the cops get their legal ducks in a row?

Four more days tops.

Then we scoop up Farmer and the other lieutenants all at once. They testify

against one another and it's goodnight, Lamal.

That still doesn't explain your vanishing act of calling.

I got when Lamal's people were on to my undercover bartender identity.

I had to bail.

Figured posing as a student would kill two birds with one stone.

Keep an eye on Farmer while flying under Lamal's radar.

Campus was the last place he was going to look for me.

And everything was peachy until we led this jaboni right to you.

You know, Lamal's probably expecting him to report in.

He said he was hired by Blonde Mail Drop.

I could pose as his clown. The mall won't know the difference.

You're still gonna die, pig.

You're doing it all onto me?

Pithoff!

Stop!

You're a cop.

This is wrong.

Let me show you how to do it.

Learned this in home ec in college.

Okay.

You're gonna answer this officer's question, or I'm gonna cut the blood

to your brain. You're gonna wet your pants and die, and we'll all have a

good laugh.

The mall always orders a backup header.

Name. I don't know.

I swear.

Great. I'm still a target.

This will blow my whole case.

VIP.

Hey, guys. It's me.

I have a fabulous idea on how we can help Relic.

I'll be right over.

Can't wait.

IP undercover on campus. Max and I are going to give everybody makeovers and

nobody will recognize us.

What's the dumbest idea I've ever heard of?

The thing at Cooper, Tasha. We got Relic into this mess and we've got to get him

out of it. You and your snooping got Relic into this mess.

Forget it.

Detective Grisby already said that we could do it, except the whole thing

figured out.

Val, my job is riding on this case.

Well, this is a great plan.

Please, please.

No way.

Listen, Mr. Frat Guy, we're going to shadow you like a...

Like a shadow. Watch your back so the second assassin guy doesn't stamp you

No guns, no explosives, and no beating anyone up unless absolutely necessary.

That's going to be good. It's going to be fun.

Hey, maybe I can go under covers.

Maybe like five years ago.

Like anyone will even buy that.

Relic, I promise, nobody will even know we're there.

It's a toga party, guys.

Welcome.

Welcome to PE 101.

I'm Miss Beck. And I'm Miss Boss Hart.

And together we are the Killer Bees. So come on, everybody. Let's get physical,

huh? Breathe with me.

Come on.

Come on.

Good.

We won't even know we're there.

We need to liven things up.

And that, as we all know, is the fourth equation of the Lorenz transformation.

Okay,

well, how about something a little easier?

Time for a pop quiz. Everybody take out a sheet of paper.

Okay, a woman fires a .50 caliber bullet from a sniper rifle at a target 750

yards away.

The slug leaves the barrel at 2 ,800 feet per second. Now, how long does it

that slug to impact the target?

You have three minutes.

Miss Grimacki, she's kind of a biatch, but she's hot.

Yeah, I guess.

Eat this, Teach.

I believe this is yours, Meatcake.

Hey, this isn't right.

Come on, I got a big game coming up.

Sorry. Wild little firecracker, Miss G.

Can I help you, Mr. Farmer?

Yeah, I need some private life.

You, me, toga party, tonight.

Sorry, don't do toga.

Kids.

I'm cruising over to Lamar's. I'll let you know what happens.

Did you borrow some vampire or something?

This joker says he's the hitman, Lamar. What's with the light show?

Had a little accident.

Got too close to an explosion.

Wouldn't want to see.

Guess you won't be singing in the church choir either.

You brought up Hogwarts too.

Now, what do you have?

a couple of pig, Billy Pierce or relic or whoever he is.

Won't be a problem anymore.

Just you and I, no worries.

Easy, Lamar.

Be cool, baby.

I could use someone like you.

A spy to ferret out any other cops that might be on my operation.

Interested?

Do I got a choice?

No.

I can dig it.

The Bears are giving two and a half.

Got you, you're in for six times on the favorite.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm so sorry. Oh, no. Here, let me help you.

I'm still trying to get my bearings.

I just transferred here from the University of Wisconsin.

Wisconsin. Home of the Chiefs. That's very cool.

I'm Abby Solomon.

And these are my friends Jill and Haley.

Hi, I'm Betty the Puke.

You need to get hooked in with the people who are down, new girl.

I do?

You ever thought about rushing us to Rorty, Betty?

I have to confess, it does sound kind of fun.

Well, our house is having a toga party tonight with the Sig F guys.

You should go.

I don't have a toga.

Meet us there.

We'll bring an extra one.

You will?

Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

Gee, thanks.

Bye, you guys.

Bye. See you later.

Bye.

Sal?

You nut.

Pretty cool. We got all the things, Clarence. Is there like any?

Right on, man.

Okay, people.

Today we're going to learn about supercharging the engine on this new

Excuse me, Ms. Vogelbacher, but I don't see supercharging on the course

syllabus.

Neither do I.

I'm so excited to be back in college. Guess what?

Ah, I'm going to the clinic. Okay.

Let's try and act professional, okay?

Oh, my gosh, you're right.

I'm sorry.

I'll be good.

Betty, baby.

Abby, baby.

Hey.

Great party, you guys. Thank you so much for lending me the toga.

Oh, no problem.

You look so awesome. You're like totally Roman.

You know, this body wasn't built in a day.

Oh, I am so thirsty.

Can you be a sleeper and get me a drink?

Sure.

A couple more days?

I'd love to.

Shut up, Kay. Look, we're through helping you out.

I still need you undercover.

You're the one that didn't want us around in the first place.

We're making our move in 48 hours.

I can't take a chance and spook Farmer by having all his teachers just suddenly

vanish.

I still need you guys. You gotta stay.

Better start grading homework, Tosh.

Gentlemen, I would like to be alone with Abby now.

Just don't do what you did to that last guy.

Yeah, I spent three hours cleaning up that mess.

You know, I never knew there was so much blood in a person.

What are you going to do to me?

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

to our class?

Well, let's get out how good we are.

We

locked

out some seriously hot teachers this semester.

This will give our set of wheels a serious turbo pop.

Crescent wrench.

Crap. The alternator cable's totally fried.

We'd be lucky to get this thing out of park.

Ah.

Perfect. That'll work.

Major extra credit. You did.

A couple awful needles last night.

We need an income tomorrow.

I'm not just wishing tuition.

Got any plans this weekend?

What do you keep asking me for?

Just wondering.

What am I, your only friend?

It's a big deal.

You've got to quit smothering me.

Sorry. Did you watch some games or something?

I think I'm an idiot, don't you?

What are you talking about?

I know what's going on. Why you want to be around me and hang out all the time?

Take it easy, Kenny.

I'm on.

Talk about this somewhere else. No.

We're going to settle this right here, right now.

Are you gay or what?

What?

You know.

Back off.

We have a little bit of time to think about our friendship.

I've got you eight times our way, 501.

Seahawks are on the road minus five.

Going with the dog?

Ten dimes on the Seahawks.

Got to go, 501.

make up quick when I'm done with him.

That'll teach you to hate me.

Your bratty little sorority sisters are next on my list.

Say cheese.

Pay attention, brother.

Not when I'm fighting you.

She dropped something. Oh, right.

What about you?

You want some rick, huh?

been here before.

Hollywood bodyguard?

What's she got to do with anything?

She likes to hang out on the phone.

So,

a lot of famous people hang at that spot.

Big chances.

Kill him.

Not a problem.

You'll need to write to Irons and the bodyguards.

The mall ordered me to kill Val.

What a brick!

Well, at least they didn't order Tasha because she would have done it.

Don't tempt me.

You know, how did the voice box from hell recognize my secret identity

Does P .E. 101 Rocks ring a bell?

They were all over campus. You were so undercover.

Why not? Your undercover sucks.

Those lame glasses didn't fool anybody.

Guys, I got two other problems.

One's big, the other's ugly.

I've been tailing them since I left Lamar.

Don't worry, they're lightweights.

I can take them in a snap.

We know Lamar likes to hire backup.

They're probably not going to be alone.

I need to bust them all myself.

Head on to campus, we'll set a trap.

Yeah, but these guys are expecting to see Val.

That's the only way to lure them in.

Oh great, this is my chance to pay you back, Relic. Because I happen to be

at luring yucky bad guys into traps.

Forget it, Val. This is a police operation.

I'm not letting you have a target on your back.

I can handle myself.

I'm a big girl.

No, Lamar's way too unpredictable.

It's too dangerous.

Oh.

Danger is my middle name.

Please? Please? I'm not falling for that routine again.

Oh, come on. You have to let me help you out.

You're like a brother to me.

Relic, I've got an idea how you can keep Val safe and nail Lamar's guys.

Fine. Somebody keep an eye on Farmer.

Well, he's not much of a threat.

Nicky and Val can handle it. Oh, thanks.

Four eyes.

Excuse me, ladies. You guys are so funny.

Oh, yeah, right.

Huh? I'm sorry.

Sorry. No.

I have a friend.

Not you, though.

You guys are pathetic.

I know. He totally hit on Tasha.

Twice.

Don't even try.

What's with the hat?

Farmer made me.

This is my new identity.

The bushwhacker.

You hit the whack part right.

He's moving. Come on.

Already on this end.

Relic's getting into his special disguise.

Beefcake brothers are still following me.

I'll meet up with Val, then leave these clowns to your classroom.

Johnny's got you covered in case your friends try anything early.

Hello, Natasha Dexter.

Lamal? Not exactly, Teach.

Go eat and try it. I'm not alone.

So there never was a Lamal.

Sure there was.

But he wasn't injured in an accident.

I killed him and made it look like an accident.

Why the charade?

Mutiny in the mob is easy for a young Turk. It takes time to finesse your

loyalties.

Clever.

Lamal's people don't even know you run the show.

Not yet. And neither do the cops.

They've been building a case against a dead man.

You're very pretty, Tasha.

It's too bad you have to die.

What's Farmer doing here?

Take him!

I'm them all!

You idiot!

You work for me!

Where's that cop relic?

Forget it, Farmer. We're not telling you Jack.

Where the hell is he, Irons?

I don't know.

I just wasted one of my own men. Don't think I won't waste you.

Okay, okay.

Do we need Karen to be a real magic game, please?

What is this, a student -teacher conference?

Who's the babe?

You know,

Karen's far too nice to save your life.

Me, really.

Some of them bears.

I don't know how to catch him pronto.

Is this Vogel back there?

Hold on to your ovaries.

What's wrong?

I'm driving an incomplete homework assignment.

Are we going to blow up?

Probably, but I'm not pulling over.

My turn to hit on you.

That's so good.

That's like somebody clunked.

More like an A+. I guess

my plan of having you dress up like Val still worked out.

You know, I better get out of this get -up before I'm the joke of the precinct.

I don't know. You look pretty cute.

Yeah, you do kind of look like me.

Where'd you get those pants?

Thank you. I so need this.

What a week.

Went undercover at college.

Quick was an assassin.

Farmer is the artist formerly known as the Mall.

Relic went undercover as a much hotter version of me.

And, uh, Tasha, you have something in your tooth.

I did.

So?

So,

Relic, what's on tap now to perform the case's vote?

Yours truly got a promotion. It's on a brand new undercover assignment.

Great. What are you going to do about your blown -off car?

No worries. The precinct gave me a brand new PT cruiser.

Terelic. Yeah?

Okay, if you ever need my clothes again, me closet, a zoo closet.

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

Hey, look.

A barrel of maple syrup, apparently stolen from the campus cafeteria, was

onto them as they exited the student union.

I'm here with eyewitness Betty DeCue.

I was just minding my own business, walking out of the union, eating a trick

two, thinking about Mitch. And suddenly, a spirit raining out of the sky.

Whoever rigged it must be a killer.

Oh yeah, you go take her off. Police have confirmed fingerprints.

on a confessional letter sent to the dean's office.

The syrup -hazing culprit is Abby Solomon, a student here at the

This photograph was sent along with the letter.

Obviously, we have a very disturbed young lady.

Another behind -the -scenes

look into the glitz, glamour, and high -octane world of Valerie Iron's

protection. Today, a look at where the VIPs like to go when they're off duty.

After a hard day on the job, VIP likes kicking back at our favorite hangout,

Foam. Place is the bomb.

Foam serves up the best drinks in town.

The food doesn't suck either.

Food fight!

Looking bad, guys? Makes us real hungry.

Foam's totally hip. You might even see an A -list movie star.

Or something from another list.

Pretty cowboy.

Anyway, sometimes our cases are pretty quiet.

Hold on to your ovaries.

A couple times we're on the job, rocking and rolling.

For your coolers, we always spend our down time chilling right here at Palm.

Palm time.

I'll drink to that.

We'll be right there.

Val's being chased down the 405 freeway by some nutjob in a tank.

So much for downtime, us people.