Original subtitles

Don't worry, Mr. Koval. It's going exactly as planned.

That ruby had been in my family for generations.

It's all I have to buy their freedom.

You'll get your relatives out of the old country no problem.

At least Valerie Irons herself is making transfer.

She is the only one they will trust.

She is famous in my country.

Beautiful and lethal.

So they say.

Such a pleasure.

Please, make yourself comfortable.

Oh, thanks.

Can I get you anything?

Coffee, perhaps?

Oh, sure. I'll have a half -chewed groundy non -fat millet mocha with a

of that rice syrup on the side to sound like that processed stuff. That's very

good of you.

Back. Perfect.

You have the ring?

Yes, yes, I do. Thank goodness. This thing is so heavy. I'm going to have to

this thing around.

It's amazing. It's so heavy. It's just this little ring.

Now, let's see if we are getting our money's worth.

Oh, I'm sure you are. That box alone could ransom your relatives out of that

zone for me.

My relatives are all dead.

I killed most of them myself.

Keep her quiet.

This is fake.

Cubic zirconian? What?

Where the

hell are they going? All right, stay cool.

I'll probably talk to them into a little joyride.

I want the chip.

The real chip.

Chip?

As in computer?

Micro... thingy? Chip?

I didn't know this was a secret mission.

That must mean it's really secret.

Causal must have sold the real one to another bidder.

The whole thing smells off.

Get about him. We've got to get you back.

Can we go back to tour? Because I forgot my Jeremy.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Plucked from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

Harbor Patrol recovered most of the wreckage, and now they've called off the

search. What about the guys we saw jump off the boat?

The undertow carried them two piers down, and then they commandeered a

speedboat. Did they find a body?

An explosion like that, there's not much of a body to find.

Val's definitely on board.

No way it's just a shoot. I'll die myself if they're gonna twitch.

There's nothing left.

We are live at the marina with news of a massive yacht explosion. It happened

only hours ago.

Sadly, L .A.'s premier bodyguard, Valerie Iron, was on board and is

dead.

She's one of them. Let's go. Let's go. Miss Dexter!

Excuse me? No comment.

Miss Dexter, what can you tell us about what happened today?

VIP has suffered a great professional loss. I have no comment at this time. Is

it true that Valerie Irons was murdered by the mob?

No comment. Why is VIP holding out?

Get out of my face.

Can somebody else answer that phone for me, please?

VIP.

Greg Braxton from the L .A. Times.

The quote.

Hang on.

Quick. Is bite me a good quote?

Pretty much sums it up.

Oopsie, hung up.

There must be like two dozen reporters in front of our door drooling. I didn't

realize Val was such a phenomenon.

I've been paying attention.

What I mean is they're going to have to let us get back to work sooner or later.

I vote for sooner.

Kozel and Bostick still need to pay for what they did.

Hey, we're not cops.

I'll be with that up.

They murdered Val.

Don't let how you feel affect how you think.

We're all upset.

Are we?

Yeah, just in different ways.

Like I said, Val deserves to have a little payback dished out in her name.

Hey, Brother Q.

Hey, I just got the news.

Sorry to hear about that Red Hot Valley Iron.

Good. And you won't mind helping me find her killer? No, man, I was hoping you

were going to say that. Just give me two minutes to ramble up, then we'll be

ready. And it'll be great. You and me, partners. Just like Rush Hour. Except

we'll both be Chris Tucker.

Can you leave the ice cream for a sec?

This is business.

Ice cream?

No, man, that's just the front to fill out door number one.

But check out what's behind door number two.

Better than Oakley's.

How about some female b -ball tickets, huh?

Get the word out I'm looking for this guy. Anybody know him, seen him, or

breathe the same air, I want to hear about it. You got me? Yeah.

Yeah. I got your back, man. Don't worry about it.

I'm gonna help you.

That Val Irons was good people, man.

Yeah.

He sure was.

Today, a special report about the loss of a very special woman, a woman who I

had the privilege of knowing personally, Valerie Irons.

Without Valerie Irons, VIP is just a lot of pee.

LAPD expressed their thanks time and again as Valerie Irons helped take down

numerous smugglers, terrorists, anarchists, and conspirators. She saved

lives of many in her adopted country and all over the world.

Highly skilled in weaponry and tactics, Val did it all.

She did it with style and flair and in high heels.

Oh, I sure do miss

you, Val.

Wherever you are.

I don't like kicking somebody when they're down, but I do have my personal

safety to consider.

Mr. Rudman, you are completely secure at the Laker game. Let me spell it out for

you. I spend seven figures a year for that skybox. I have the president of two

movie studios and an oil company up there, and I don't care about little

Spunky here poking her guns in everybody's face.

And you, you scared my CFO so bad he's living in a car somewhere.

I need a name, a solid pro, someone who adds a little zip to the proceedings.

You know what I mean?

Sounds like the Alliance to me.

Exactly. Let me see if I understand this. You want a highly trained

mean someone really sharp. Not just a pretty face, but they need to be

and charming.

What do you know?

You actually do listen to a client's needs.

Correction. Ex -client.

Okay, let me guess.

You lost another client?

I just don't get it. Tasha.

Pull your head out of the sand before someone mistakes you for ostrich meat.

Val's the one that had it going on with the clients.

Come on, I miss her too, but what did she really contribute but skimpy outfits

and a big goofy smile?

Something.

Come on, anybody can do that.

Belinda, trust me, we'll watch your back so close you'll think you grew new butt

hairs.

Hello!

Hola!

Bonjour!

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Linden, but I was driving here really, really, really fast

when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, shot this possum or raccoon or something

like that, and I went all fishtail -y, and I swung around. I had no idea where

was, and then all of a sudden I thought, oh, my God, I'm having a Back to the

Future moment where I go through this time warp thingy, and then I thought,

know, I should have a really cute viper, not an icky DeLorean.

What's this?

She's our senior, so she's a lot of fun.

Come on, fun? You don't even know the meaning of fun.

Have you ever had oatmeal at the Peninsula?

Is this some kind of sick joke?

I tell you, I don't want to hire you guys without Val Lyons.

And this is your solution?

This floozy?

What's the matter? Don't you think I can be a good floozy, huh?

Huh?

Yeah, well, Val was here. This wouldn't even be happening. Val isn't here.

That's the point.

VIP. Yes.

Yes. I mean, I'll have to consult our schedule. One moment, please.

Yes, we're available.

That would be great.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

We got a job.

We thought you were dead when the fishermen brought you here. They found

the ocean.

Do you remember how you got there?

That must be how she stayed alive underwater.

Do you remember your name?

It's not as bad as it sounds.

Okay.

Okay, so there is just one little problem.

The budget only calls for three VIPs, so if you count quick and... I can just

stay here. I'm a little cuter as usual.

No problem.

Where are you going?

Ducking out on a choice gig?

Wouldn't think of it. I'm just ducking out, period.

Johnny, I know things have been a little rough lately, but come on. Rough would

be an improvement.

Look, with Val gone there, it's just no VIP.

So that's it? You're just gonna walk out?

Watch out, big brother.

Little Sister Kay is in the house.

You know I'm here because of Val.

She brought me in. Don't tell me that's the only reason you're here.

What about me?

What about us?

I didn't say that I was leaving town.

Yet.

Maybe it would be better for us if we weren't working together.

Nothing.

Thanks a lot.

Nikki. She'll be okay.

I'll call quick and have her meet us at this choice gig you got for us.

Val used to let me come along sometimes, you know.

Kay, Val's gone.

Walk and run. Get out early.

Hollywood jaboney.

I missed the job.

Listen.

I'll sweet -talk the production manager. You know, do my thing. Try to get us

the whole on -set gig.

Thanks for your support.

Either one of you want to take a lunch break? Because I can handle this.

Lunch? At 11 .30?

I've been trained to go 48 hours without food or water.

Big waffle challenge.

Hey, what kind of sandwich is that?

Take it.

Look, you guys, I've been thinking. I guess I can't teach an old dog new

I'm going to work for my grandpa.

Nick, that means working for the mom.

Duh. Beats parking these stupid cars.

You know what? I'm really surprised at you. Well, don't be.

You always had some knee -jerk reaction for my grandpa anyways.

Val loved him.

Val also knew him for what he was.

She's the one that talked you out of working for him before.

What's the diff?

Val's gone, so am I.

Awesome.

I had a face recognition program. I'm sure that I could find her.

This border patrol database has nothing on missing persons.

Look,

I sent the word to the finest hotels, restaurants, and parking garages in the

alley area, not including Long Beach and Azusa.

Good to have friends in low places.

In 1520, Intercontinental.

Coles is going to have company, huh?

Hey, retail three large, $24 .99 for you.

My client's willing to pay a great

deal of money.

If you have the chip.

I wouldn't keep it in my pocket.

But it's safe.

In very capable hands of VIP.

Tell me about your clients.

Sorry to interrupt. Mr. Kozo had a previous engagement. His girl will call

girl.

Go.

You killed him.

I want to know why.

What are you talking about? Who hired you to kill Balai?

What, you're going to kill me in cold blood?

Don't.

This is not how VIP's going to go down.

Followed me?

Let's just say I'm curious.

Now, before we pistol whip this guy into lawn mulch, let's just see if he's

ready to start talking.

She was supposed to get off the boat.

You said it.

Give them the ruby and leave.

Then I could blow them a phony chip and all.

A microchip?

Hidden in the ring.

I thought Valerie Irons could escape in time.

But he didn't.

Come on. Let's tell the whole story again.

To the cops.

Grozel's still in L .A., and the chip's with VIP.

What's left of them?

What's left of them?

Without Valerie Irons, their team folded like a cheap umbrella.

What good news.

I'll be in tomorrow.

Bring some men, we'll finish off VIP.

After they give us the chip.

Hello, B .I.

Sorry.

It was probably somebody calling the virus anyway.

Going clubbing for breakfast?

Nah. I went out last night.

I figured...

The thing I do around here matters anyway.

How are you?

Me?

I had to go back to work at the hot dog stand for kicking me out of my

apartment.

But, you know, no more crying because I wouldn't like that.

That's her mail on your desk. Some of the postmarks are like a month old.

Just couldn't go through without death yet.

Wait,

was it 46?

It was 47!

AK -47.

That was a pain in my ass.

It is time to move on.

P -I -V -I -P.

What's going on with you?

Not a whole lot.

We're headed to Vegas.

We?

Vegas? Charlie and I.

We're getting kicked.

How long have you known Charlie?

Oh, quite a while. Since, um... It's about 2 .30.

My car stalled.

Charlie gave me a tell.

Yeah.

Um, honey pie, would you please go get us a couple of little pinks, please?

Yeah.

I'm going to want to tip the guy.

Hey. Try to think.

You're marrying a man you've known six hours.

You're so unromantic.

Besides, Charlie is perfect for me.

I'm the brains and he's the brawn.

Yeah, if brawn's a synonym for loser.

if I marry Charlie or not, you big fake.

Val is the only one who ever cared about me around here. And now she's gone.

And it made me think.

We could die.

At any moment, for any reason, we could just...

my computer, I created a file with all of our forwarding addresses and numbers,

you know, just in case we ever wanted to get together for a reunion or

something.

Stay sweet, Kay.

Kay.

The name of the file with all our names and addresses on it.

What's that called?

It's called... The Good Old Days.

You sure it's the right name?

DWP sounds a little familiar.

It just means it's obviously memorable.

Yeah, I just don't want anybody laughing at it.

They wouldn't dare.

It's going to be great.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Gotta pay us sooner or later.

I want to.

Believe me.

It's just that it's my daughter's confirmation.

I wanted to throw her a nice party afterwards.

Can't you come up with a little something?

No.

Tell Vinnie you're making a payment and figure out how you're going to do it the

next time.

I won't stay so nice.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Now get out of here.

You've always told me.

Take Ruby for her walkie now.

Be a good boy.

I hope you're not seeing this, Val.

Be at Dexter Williams Protection Agency.

Yeah, Tasha Dex, hold, please.

Why don't they hire counter people who speak?

I speak six different languages, and I didn't understand a word she said.

Line one's for you.

Talk to Dexter.

He probably hung up on a client.

I got it.

No prize.

So you think getting fast food will be the easy job, except you can't handle

You can't even work the phone.

Back!

Same without you, pal.

Stop. I care about chickens.

And Spanish isn't my native tongue. You remember something?

Yes, ma 'am.

I remember that I don't believe in killing animals. Oh, that's wonderful.

And that I'm a devoted member of PETA, which means...

I'm... Steven Seagal?

Okay, maybe not.

Oh, my God.

I'm Valerie Iron.

I'm a professional bodyguard.

And I sent a disturbance in the force.

I have to go home.

Valerie!

Oh, look, here's some of the old mail from Val's place.

Oh, here's a little irony.

Kozol signed contract.

Tosh.

Tasha.

Come here.

The microchip.

He played us for his bank vault.

You were right before.

Let's nail Bostic.

And avenge Val.

Yeah. I knew you'd care.

I never said I didn't.

We're gonna end this.

Au revoir.

VIP have offered to make a deal for the chip.

What do you think we should pay them, considering their situation?

How about a few pounds of lead?

Seems fair.

We'll take the chip tomorrow at noon and then finish off VIP forever.

They call themselves DWP now.

Department of Water and Power.

Nice. Told you it sounded familiar.

Whatever. Our plan's working.

Two of us, probably a dozen of them.

Not bad. Seven for me, five for you.

How about eight for me, four for you?

Fine. Six each.

All right.

VIP's gone.

DWP's a bad joke.

I'd rather go out with a bang than a whimper.

Then I just have two words.

Booyah!

I will take care of your outfit, and they will take care of you.

And one other thing.

We should cover incidents.

You know, minibar, special spa, treatments, long distance.

She wants to know, are you sure this isn't cubic zirconium? No, no, no, it's

real. It was a chip that was fake. But that's another story. It's a long story.

But that should cover Mamacita getting some new clothes.

Because stripes are, you know.

Well, they're coming back in.

Adios!

What are

you doing?

Canceling your online order for the Spinal Tap DVD?

Yeah, right.

Tasha, you sure you're okay with this?

I dealt with no return missions a long time ago.

Back in the KGB?

Maybe. Yeah, I'm cool with it, too.

Okay, I finally realized what you already knew.

Val never gave up on life, on joy, even on me.

Like I said, I never said I didn't like her.

Time to meet Bostic.

Cyclone, clear out the farmhouse. Aunt Em, Toto.

God, you leave them alone for two seconds, the whole place falls apart.

five weeks, whatever.

Oh.

They're fighting the bad guys alone?

For me?

This is just like in Thelma and Louise, except for Quick isn't a girl and the

police aren't after them.

All bad.

Come on, Kay, I know you left me a number chip somewhere.

What is this?

Let's see.

Okay,

forces of the planets combined. Together they form VIP.

The good old days.

Didn't realize it was a party. I would have dressed for it.

But I brought a gift for the hostess.

This is the chip.

Chips ahoy.

Come on.

Go.

You tried to cheat me, like your friend Corzor.

If this was poker, you'd all be dead by now.

He is.

Thanks for the memories.

You too.

I'll change.

Keep your arms and legs

inside the car at all times.

Kill them both.

Hey, you yucky bad guys.

That's VIP you're about to splatter. And watch out. If you kill us, it'll make

us madder. You are dead.

Oh, you're talking about that boat thing?

Well, thanks to your stupid driver, I got thrown overboard and I lost a

perfectly good pair of slingbacks. And my hair got all crusty from the salt

water. Val!

Oh, sorry.

Val, no, it's too late. You can't do it alone.

Alone? What are you talking about? We're VIP.

Nice to see you guys again.

Charlie and I got as far as Victorville, and his tailpipe fell right off. I told

him that was a sign I am bad news.

Cheers.

Our top story tonight, Valerie Irons has turned up alive, apparently surviving

that massive yacht explosion we told you about last month. It's an amazing tale

of rescue to sea by Mexican fishermen.

Oh,

hello, Newsday.

Hey, what ever happened to that ruby anyway?

We could use it to get VIP back on its feet.

Ruby? Well, you know, it was dragged down to the bottom of the ocean with me.

course, it's gone.

Toast. Forever gone. Are you sure?

I heard you were boo -hooing all over everybody, and you were so sad that I

dead. You were crying in your suit.

Well, she's back, and she's clever.

Admit it. You missed her.

I missed you, too.

Okay, okay.

Not a toast, but a word of gratitude.

I want to thank you, Val.

All of you, for being here.

Mr.

Val, will you leave?

You guys.

You are the sappiest bunch of drippy cornballs.

It's time to party.