Original subtitles

Okay?

Okay?

We got you.

I could have hurt somebody.

Come on. We know you better than that.

Actually, we're all wearing Kevlar, so... Yeah, and don't get mad at me

they wanted to get you a naked cowboy stripper.

Okay, is everyone ready to sing happy birthday?

Yes, yes.

The date of my birthday is classified. Who found out?

As you well know, part of my job description is to read office mail. And

friend, receive a birthday card.

Here it's hot.

I know it's been a while, but when spring is in the air, I think of your

birthday. How romantic.

I wanted to let you know that perfect day has finally arrived.

Dr. Ted McClellan, BDS.

Your dentist knows you better than we do.

Dr. Ted McClellan was never my dentist.

He was my second husband.

Was that before or after she married you?

Both. She got hitched to the owl twice.

So where were we?

Thank you so much for helping me, Dr. McClellan. My hygienist practical for

week. You got to ace him.

Just remember to jump when you hear the word suction.

And the x -ray machine, try not to fry your patient's brains.

Okay, what you want to do is dial that gate down.

Oh,

excuse me. I'm sorry. We're closed for lunch.

Yeah? Listen, why don't you give me a minute alone here, baby doll?

You can go to lunch now, Laurie.

Oh, uh, get me a tuna sandwich, would you?

See if they have any of that seven -grain bread.

So good.

I know why you guys are here, so I'll tell you the truth.

There are no narcotics in this office.

Three years ago, you played good Samaritan Dennis at the county jail.

Where are those records?

The county jail? It was just some pro bono work I did.

Where's the records?

They're in the records office down the hall.

Here. Throw this in there, too, huh?

More fun for everyone.

Lead X -ray vest.

Always the conscientious doctor.

You got my birthday card?

I wasn't sure you'd figure it out.

How long have these guys been after you?

I thought someone was following me, but I wasn't sure. That's why I couldn't

come right out and ask for help.

But when you left, you joked that the day of my life was in real danger.

It would be the perfect day. I remember.

I thought nothing exciting was ever going to happen to me.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Plucked from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

Got off a lucky shot, but I still managed to plug the dentist.

Who was she?

Don't know yet.

And my dental records?

Crispy.

The guy taking my place in that Bolivian hellhole is going to sit there a long

time. Yeah, but the Bolivians are still expecting x -rays.

Intercept their courier and bring him here.

And while you're at it, find this mystery woman.

We'll keep you hidden here till things blow over.

Two days ago, my biggest worry was gingivitis.

Well, this must give you flashbacks from the time you were married to La Femme

Natasha.

No, actually, up until the end, our life was more like Martha Stewart living.

Ancient history.

Yeah, on Monday nights, Natasha would cook her world -famous veggie lasagna,

on Tuesdays, we'd play Scrabble.

He's kidding, right? Who's talking about the same Natasha here, huh? Someone

who's broken more teeth than you fixed?

All right.

The tab for this case is on me.

All information about my past is on a need -to -know basis.

Somebody will be with you 24 -7, but you'll also have this.

It's a two -way pager slash GPS beacon.

A panic button.

Looks like my garage door clicker. Hit that, and it's like ordering the Marines

from room service.

Case going over what's left of the dental records. See what we can find

Oh, hey, can I at least call my receptionist, let her know I'm okay?

Sure. You want the whole world to know.

Sorry, sport.

That's a big I know.

Well, you still know what's best.

That part hasn't changed.

Boredom much?

When I met Ted, I was going through things you wouldn't understand.

Have fun.

Hi, this is Lorianne. Leave a message.

Hey, Lorianne.

Hi, it's Dr. McClellan.

I'm alive.

VIP, they're a little nuts about me contacting you, but I didn't want you to

worry.

I'm okay.

All right, bye.

I just spoke to Ted on the phone and everything is fine. He found the minibar

key. But we did have a really long talk.

If you're trying to pry into my past with Ted, I'm going to have to snap your

little legs like twigs.

I'm not trying to pry into your personal life. Don't be silly.

Even though I did mention that you guys won the Lover's League bowling

championship.

Okay, now that's cool. What was your average?

Never mind.

Okay, let's just say for the record, it was a mistake marrying Ted, and we'll

leave it at that. I bet you didn't bowl with the owl.

Unless, of course, it was tonsil bowling.

Don't blame me.

Owls hot.

Sometimes.

How do you fancy this one?

Another new face.

Not bad for an ex -KGB operative.

Well, my plastic surgeon's a great dinner.

Tasha?

Tasha? I found this in the remains from Ted's file room.

I think I know why someone's trying to kill Ted.

This is a request from the Bolivian government for the dental records of

Pike.

Pike, the American frontman for a Bolivian drug cartel.

Mm -hmm. Seems your ex filled Mr. Pike's tooth three years ago when he was in

the L .A. County lockup.

A year later, our Mr. Pike escaped from a prison transport and jetted down to

his amigos in Bolivia, where he was captured a month later by the Bolivians

sent to the big house in La Paz.

That's crazy. Why would they request the dental records of a man who's right in

front of them?

Maybe they're not sure they have the right guy.

You want to sit up here?

I'm fine.

You can have the bed all to yourself if you want. I'll take the chair.

Please.

Don't worry about me.

You know what

I really miss?

Thursday video nights where we fall asleep under that big afghan?

Let's just pretend I'm not here.

That way we don't have to bring up the good old days.

You came to my office.

You were in trouble.

I saw your face when you thought I was dead.

You still care.

I was in bodyguard mode.

That's all there was to it.

Well, I guess you found what makes you happy.

Happiness is overrated.

Let's just try and get through the night. Then Nikki can listen to your A

biography.

A friend of

mine suffered through hours of plastic surgery so that he could take my place

in one of your prisons.

You were sent to retrieve records proving that he's not me.

These are my friends' dental records.

My name is Tacky.

I need these to go back to your government.

I hope you understand.

Bueno.

You got big shoes to fill.

Don't disappoint me.

Did you find the mystery woman? Yeah, but it's not good news.

We had a phone tap on everyone in McClellan's office. Listen to this.

Hi, Florianne.

It's Dr. McClellan. I'm alive.

I'm with VIP.

VIP. They're bodyguards.

Put out the word.

Find where these VIPs have our dentists stashed.

Right.

It's me.

My guys can't handle it. I need a button man with half a brain.

Best you can find.

Who?

Find out more about him.

If he's the right guy for the job, money's no object.

Here, get Tasha this.

For a frisbee.

Guys, where's the fire?

I want to find her the perfect gift. Like I said, you're not a prisoner, but

there's no need to prolong the risk.

Yeah,

I heard you're paying snitch money for the 411 on VIP.

Yes, I'm looking at a blue truck.

at the name plastic all over it south end of venezuela you're gonna love this

a couple mouth breathers caught the great Johnny Lowe.

You want to know who's not going to breathe much longer?

That dimwit dentist and any of your VIP buddies that get in the way.

See, I got an offer out to the best contract hitter that ever squeezed a

trigger.

The owl.

Now, you tell me where McClellan's stashed and save yourself a lot of pain.

Without Johnny Lotus and used guns.

I'd like to know who I'm getting into business with.

Besides, this is much more fun than faxing you a resume.

Don't you think?

The owl at your service.

You're hired.

200 macaroons, babies, because I'm getting hit.

I hope my husband doesn't expect me to change my name.

Maybe your marriage will go better than mine.

It has to. She's not going to get stuck with some gun -toting sadomasochist.

I was talking about these game pieces right there.

Yeah, yeah, you know, like the thimble, the little doggy, the baby shoe, the gun

-toting sadomasochist.

Not Tasha.

Listen, I know what Tasha turned into.

In the end, she was like a jungle cat. I had to let her go.

Oh, kind of like that movie Born Free.

That was our favorite movie.

You're kidding, right?

No.

That was the problem. I didn't set her free earlier.

I should have tried to see it from her point of view.

Maybe it's not too late.

Ted, that ship has sailed.

Belle, is that true?

You know Tasha.

Well, we're really not friends in that sense.

Or any of us are.

How about you?

I don't know. She scared me.

Oh, that's too bad.

I guess you never knew her like I did.

Wait a second.

If you could sweep her off her feet, do you think you could really turn Tasha

back into the lasagna -making bowler?

It's possible.

Wow.

Nikki, we have a responsibility to our client, Ted, here.

Think, think, think.

Max, your think tank's caught with some ideas.

Um, oh, uh, try writing her a poem.

Or, you know what, better yet, you could serenade her like Tom Cruise did to

Kelly McGillis in Top Gun. Oh, yeah.

I do play a main ukulele. Big surprise.

It's a wonderful idea, pal.

Thanks.

Man, that cherry soda goes right through you, doesn't it?

What are you doing? You guys are playing with napalm.

Nikki, this is brilliant. If we get Tasha in touch with her inner housewife

self, she might lose that, you know, gunnier than thou prima donna thing.

Yeah, it's worth a shot.

God, that Ted guy is amazing. He's quite a catch.

Yeah, like catching a disease.

When I think back on my marriage, I want to take my apron and string myself up

with it.

Are we talking about the same guy here that Ted McClellan and I just met? He's

cool -walking, smooth -talking guy with really fresh breath, which is hard to

find these days.

Plus, he's very wild in all those unexpected ways.

Name one.

He steals motel towels all the time, and I'm scared, you know, if housekeeping

finds out and talks to him, he'll do something crazy like drive over the

limit or something.

Did he put you up to this?

No.

I didn't think you guys would make a really cute couple, that's all.

Go back and tell Ted I'm taking myself off guard duty.

I'm going to spend my time working the Bolivian connection.

Oh, I can't keep going back and forth like this in these shoes. I've got the

bun...

Okay.

So when did Tasha tell you she was a spy?

Not till therapy.

When we met, she worked in a flower shop. Said she got her green thumb

up in Holland, Michigan, tulip capital of the Midwest.

Uh, I didn't know she was from there.

She's not.

Turns out she fabricated everything, including the guests at our wedding.

They were all ex -CIA.

Oh.

Hi.

Oh, it's okay. That's my receptionist.

We power walk here sometimes, sir.

Give me a minute with her?

Hi, you guys.

Hey. I'm on special assignment for Val. Where is Dr. McClellan going?

A little powwow with his receptionist.

Hmm.

Whoever she is, I don't think Val would go for it. Those big 80s football -type

shoulder pads went out with the dynasty.

Oh, come on, Kate. Not everyone's styling 24 -7. That's right. Like you

Johnny, you got some cool moves, but picking clothes is not one of them.

Hey, you guys, compare black belts some other time.

Ticket from your receptionist. That receptionist is a phony.

You

okay?

Yeah.

Doc likes his ladies dangerous.

Laurie Ann Danielson is as clean as a well -flossed molar.

And only records on her are from her school.

Student council president.

Some rinse and spit cutie pie left you sucking dust.

How about less time in the dojo and more time at the track?

Well, thanks for not mentioning that she was wearing heels.

This one looks like a Cracker Jack prize.

That's not lead.

What is that?

My guess, platinum, maybe a little gold.

What do we have here?

Palladium.

My wedding ring was made of platinum, gold, and palladium.

Okay, that's just a little creepy. I can understand Ted telling his receptionist

what the ring was made out of, but to make a bullet out of the exact same

materials?

Not my wedding ring to Ted.

It's from my marriage to the owl.

Trouble. Exactly.

I found your bullet.

I didn't know you were so sentimental.

You know...

One ring is not enough to make a bullet.

Good thing we were married twice.

You took a shot at Ted.

I should put a hole in you.

I don't think so. You still care for me.

Why else keep my Russian Skytel number?

Not like you're on speed dial.

Touch it, could we talk?

I want to explain why I took the contract on the dentist.

His name is Ted.

I know you wouldn't want the dentist to suffer.

I'll do it clean.

Like in the park today?

I don't buy it.

You're jealous of Ted.

Come on, it makes sense.

I left you for him.

I got you back.

Come on, Peter.

You don't need this job. Back off.

Wrong answer.

You always wore a prima donna.

Yes, but did the dentist ever get your blood pumping like this?

Work with us.

You don't get it.

If the dentist isn't dead by tomorrow, Pike will kill all the VIPs, including

you.

Now you see the problem.

Nikki, you're crushing my special edition game pieces.

I'm powdering my guns and I'm outie.

But you're only one roll away from winning your first game.

Whatever.

We have to talk.

I have something for you.

Hopefully it'll make up for the other night.

Turn it around.

No, wait. What I have to say is really important. Please.

This is important, too.

Tasha, you were my flower.

Then one day everything went sour.

When you said hasta, I missed your pasta,

pasta.

Sorry, might have been a bomb in it.

Now, I can't say this any clearer, but we are over.

Well, all right.

What happened to the woman I fell in love with? I could get on with my life

could understand.

I gotta admit, I'm kind of curious about those Suzy Hellmaker days, too.

Okay.

When we met, I had just spent six months in a Siberian gulag.

There was torture.

Some physical, some mental.

You seem so happy.

I was having a mental breakdown.

Well, you know, sometimes admitting there's a problem is the first step to

getting better. No, I'm fine now. When I was with you, I was a nut job.

Makes sense to me.

But no, but not to me.

Look, think about it.

Maybe the woman who married me was the real Tasha trying to get out.

Do you mind?

Yes, I do.

You changed and automatically assumed I couldn't keep up. You can't. Well, give

me a chance. I can be the man you want me to be.

Hey, Peter. How's your faith?

I thought about what you said.

I want to help.

Prove it.

I have a plan to take down Pike working from the inside.

You and your colleagues meet me and I'll explain.

I'll call you back.

The owl wants to help Ted.

Yeah, to an early grave.

I know it sounds like a trap, but why don't I make first contact? You guys can

hang back till I figure out the owl's game.

Hello. Hello.

Hey. Oh, did you miss a donate?

I guess so.

Kindling anyone?

We need you to stay here with Ted.

Cabin's the safest place to be. We've been careful to keep it off Pike's

Ted's got a panic button just in case.

Ted? Hi.

Hello. Hi.

Tasha, take a bullet for me, huh? Oh, yeah. She'll take a bullet, poison dart,

monkey venom, whatever it is. She'll take it.

They'll be there.

Once I have them in the open, you men can finish them off.

Then the dentist is ready to be drilled.

Valerie Irons isn't a fool.

The IP will smell a trap.

That's what makes it irresistible to them.

They'll all be there to pick each other up.

We'll drive in separately to shake any tails, then we'll hook up outside and

walk and roll them together.

One call. Low profile.

Just wait for my signal.

It's eating me up that she's out there with the owl.

I hate that guy.

Little known fact. Ordinary hairbrush, bristle side down, jammed under the door

will keep any cleaning lady or bad guy out for good.

I can't let Tasha put her life on the line. Not against him.

You are so nice. You're so much nicer than that dinker, the owl.

I can't believe they were out frolicking in an abandoned booth the other night.

They were?

Oops, I mean... All right, that's it.

She doesn't think I can keep up.

I'll just try and stop her.

Yeah, well, you know, the only way to stand up for yourself is to stand up to

her. Yeah, I can be tough.

Tougher than tough.

Terrible Tad is on the loose.

I'm going to fight the owl.

I have to. For Tasha.

Oh, I didn't think Terrible Tad was on the loose right now.

I'm sorry.

Oh, wait up. I'll drive.

What's your plan?

You know, I think back on our marriage a lot.

Not you two.

Where's Pike tied out?

I've come to the conclusion that you had no faith in me.

Take off your helmet. I can barely hear you.

You never trusted me enough to grab your defenses.

I don't think I ever saw the real Tasha Dexter.

What is with you men?

You think too much.

This is whack.

Wait for Tasha's signal.

Two quick gunshots means trouble.

One means she's okay.

Only one?

You promised all the VIPs on a silver platter.

You never trusted me enough to drop your defenses.

If that's Ronaldo, trick or treat.

Use your guns or your boss brings a leak.

Go get him.

Drop your gun or he's dead.

No signal.

Something's off.

We got what I wanted.

It's blood.

Well,

started out as a really good plan.

I think I feel an allergy attack coming on.

Oh, your dying wish would be a sunny tab.

Well, does anybody else have anything more interesting to say?

I do.

Tasha, I know our marriage wasn't filled with danger and mayhem, but I'm glad

you hung in there as long as you did.

It was the happiest year of my life.

Danger and mayhem are no foundations to build a marriage.

Believe me, I know.

Now I realize that I envied some of what you and Tasha shared.

It's a normal life.

Really? For the last five years, I was wishing I was more like you. Are you

kidding?

At least you only do what you want.

Hey, Tasha, maybe you and I could have a relationship breakthrough, too.

What's the point?

Excuse me. Could you please tie me up with someone other than Gloomy Gus over

here? No.

But I should tell you, things have turned around for me.

You're not going to get away with it, Pike.

Too many people know you're not in jail.

Oh, I don't plan to get away.

I plan to die.

I've rigged an SUV to blow up the old fuel tanks.

Give them VIP's reputation.

The cops will think you brought along a skosh too much firepower.

Oh, that is crazy.

Nicky's not even here.

Oh, there'll be plenty of body parts lying around to sell it. And even the

won't be recognizable.

See you in hell, Pike.

Bye then.

I'll be too old to care.

Ted, they take away your panic button.

No, they thought it was my garage door opener. It's still in my pocket.

Let me try it.

That's not it.

Sorry.

Got it?

Work with me. Work with me.

That's not working with me.

Come on.

Clap it out.

Right here.

Revert.

No, this way. This way.

Okay, stop.

I'll lead. You follow.

I think I know a little bit more about being tied up than you do.

Finally. Okay, picking this up?

They're at 405 North Sarah in Redondo. The old Glomar power plant.

My friends and I have a little show planned.

Thanks for the front row seat.

Jim, I know something in the back. It's a very long Beverly Hills.

Who knows?

Parts of you might wind up there.

Take him up.

five down.

The C4 next to the fuel tank is vaporized, so it could explode.

Come on, X.

What if you can talk to us?

Before you get all, um, juice happy.

Love first.

I'm not just a wimpy dentist and my first instinct is to hide back here with

girls. First of all, you're not hiding. We're protecting you. If you want to

help... If you want to help, then get your butt over here.

The fault leads all over the place. Let me find the wire with the negative

current.

Are you leaving without saying goodbye?

I'm out of time.

We better clear out. It's going to get toasty.

I love you, Tasha.

Remember to vlog.

No, there's nothing you can do.

Sasha, Dr. McClellan have any next of kin?

Just an ex -wife.

Said some really horrible things.

Wish I could take them back.

Oh, really? You want to make nice with Ted now?

How do you feel?

I'm pretty good considering I've dead.

Damn good fireworks display.

Mike's going to think you're long gone.

How did you... Well, a good bodyguard has to think on her feet every once in a

while.

Not to mention good acting.

That was an Emmy Award winning performance.

We're lucky he used C4.

No chance of premature detonation even in a fire.

I defused the detonator, rigged up a percussion grenade with some flash

had in the back of the truck.

A lot of flame, no punch.

Let's not forget about Ted. It took a lot of guts to get him to blow the

on wheels.

She's right.

I'm impressed.

When did you start living life so dangerously?

Well, you know, you work inside people's mouths. You take your life in your

hands every day.

We're going to have to talk to the elf for that incident in the park.

Where is he?

Please, I can make you rich.

I got a plane waiting that can take us anywhere you want to go.

Don't worry.

I'm not taking you to the police station anyway.

You're going to see how some other myth on.

So where's the witness relocation going to send you?

Kauai.

I'm going to let snorkel tours out of Hanapepe and play a little ukulele on

side. Did somebody say Hawaii?

Well, there you go, a house.

That's the ex -husband's special.

So, will you miss dentistry?

Oh,

the taste of excitement I got here makes me want to try something new.

Take a chance.

And speaking of taking chances, Florian's going to come with me.

Way to go, Doc.

Yeah, well, we've been in the trenches for so long, it just seems right.

Yeah, we'll just make sure it's Laurieann this time and not the owl.

Aloha.

You know, I'm really happy about you, Laurie.

So am I.

Oh!

I bought you something at the boardwalk the other day.

I picked The Lion because of... Born Free.

Yeah.

Great movie.

You know, I may have been a nut job doing that whole Ward

and June Cleaver thing.

But I really enjoyed your company.

You helped me through a lot.

A behind -the -scenes look into the world of Valerie Iron's protection.

Today's subject, the firing range.

I think one of the best additions to the VIP office is the firing range.

It's a good place to vent a lot of frustration.

And when you work for Valerie Iron... Surprise!

We got you.

I could have hurt somebody.

There's a lot to be frustrated about. I do have a very nervous stomach and all

of that shooting has a very bad effect on me, but hey.

You got to fight bad by being bad.

We're all trained marksmen.

Well, except for Johnny. He doesn't use guns.

I can hit a dime 200 yards away.

Precision and accuracy.

More like lame and lamer.

Who wants to see a guy take a right between the eyes when you can blow the

sucker up?

Booyah.