Original subtitles

It's a thrill to be protecting such a world -famous inventor.

Dr. Kobach's oil -eating bacteria is a major environmental breakthrough.

He's an eco -genius.

So why are we here? Someone going to steal his brain?

You never know.

The patent on his discovery is worth billions.

The American Seeds Committee is putting out a bill. They invited a doctor to

speak at their charity gallery.

I can't wait.

So where is the brainiac? He's way late for his meet and greet.

That was a boat from Catalina. Should have landed ten minutes ago.

Aloha, my VIP compadres.

Did you paddle all the way from Catalina on that stick?

Yeah.

Sorry I'm late. Great white got a little nasty with me.

Hey, brought you a souvenir.

Dark's too cool.

Thanks, Dr. K.

Whoa. Call me Banzai.

Everybody does.

Hi, Bonsai. Kay Simmons.

Big fan.

Is the famous oil gobbler in there?

Oh, yeah.

Ready to be unveiled to the plebs.

Wow.

I haven't been this excited about a bacteria since seventh grade when my

plague shoebox diorama won the junior high science fair.

Whoa.

You're going to like being transferred to San Gabriel, Waco, Stoke.

You'll make a lot of new friends.

That'll need a move.

I have to hurt you.

Didn't the girl have any fun?

She got car sick.

Everything you requested is in place.

I've lined up a buyer for the Diablo 99.

You've located the good doctor?

VIP picked up bonsai this morning.

I'm sure this is going to work.

I mean, you've already been smoked twice by VIP.

Never question me.

We'll get the Diablo.

And VIP's going down once and for all.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Plucked from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

Got mail.

Let me see.

DSL internet bill.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, the detonation services thing. This is for Nikki.

Get a life foundation.

Kasia.

Oh, Radiant Nature's thought. Oh, my God. I won. I won the two free passes. I

entered this contest two months ago.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God. I won.

Oh, my gosh. I think that's where Tom and Nicole honeymoon.

Ultra exclusive.

Yeah, I heard of that spot. Back to nature resort. No TV, no phones, no

electronic gizmos, period.

This place rocks. Mud baths, meditation chambers, spiritual awakening seminars,

authentic Indian sweat lodge, dress management lectures.

Tasha, you so need that. Maybe I'll take you.

Okay.

Fine. Go play Rambo.

Sounds like a sweet deal, Val. What's the catch?

I just have to listen to, like, a condo sales pitch or something like that, and

they gave me everything for free.

I like free.

Did someone forget we actually have a case?

Oh, yeah.

Hang out with an environmentally friendly ocean doctor or go to the spa

free. Too much pressure, I guess.

Val, Bob has our client. What he invented is pretty important, okay? It's

job to protect him. It'd be nice if you wanted to assume some responsibility

once in a while.

It'd be nice if you had that operation.

Operation? Yeah, to get that big dick removed from your butt.

Oh, my gosh. You guys, you better come see this.

Our old friend, Dr. Tina Stiltz, just used her get -out -of -jail -free card.

Feed me a strip. Not her again.

They're looking pretty hot.

Yeah.

Tina sure is resilient.

First, she escapes an exploding van.

Are you looking for these?

You can shoot if you want, but I suggest you get out of the van. You know

there's explosives under the house?

I moved them.

You're bluffing.

Vincent provides the patented Valerie Irons jet ski clothesline.

How could you lie to me like that? You really are bad.

Back off or I smash this.

You give women scientists a bad name.

I give all scientists a bad name.

Followed by a one -way ticket to the big house.

All right, ladies, lights out.

Good night, Tina.

Good night, Angel.

I wonder what's going on in that warped scientific brain of hers.

Well, if it involves us, she's asking for trouble.

Well, that isn't an omen to blow town.

Max, pack your bags. We're going road tripping.

Bonsai created the oil -eating bacteria while working for Jenny Trapp's lab.

The lab tried to create a super version by combining the bacteria with a DNA

-splitting accelerant.

They accidentally created Diablo 99.

This computer program simulates the toxin's power.

Upon contact with water, every biodegradable, seagoing entity

sludge.

Shipping lanes are shut down.

The fishing industry is decimated.

Diablo 99 can cripple a nation within hours.

My bio would be impressed.

The negotiated fee will be wired to our accounts upon delivery of Diablo.

I'll have a batch prepared once I have the accelerant and the bacteria.

Irons is guarding Bonsai.

Getting the bacteria might be a problem.

Val Irons is on a permanent vacation.

I sent her there myself.

My failures have taught me a lesson.

If you can't beat them, join them.

My contacts have been out searching for a Valerie Irons lookalike for months.

Meet the grand prize winner, Joan Archer, an ex -cop who took a bribe and

drummed out of the force.

Undercover work was her specialty.

One of my operatives shot this video 16 hours ago.

Incredible. With the right hair color, she'll be a perfect match.

I ran a computer analysis for Valerie Arnn's wardrobe. There are 18 commonly

used components for a total combination of 8 ,762 ensembles. We can duplicate

them all.

Sounds pricey. Don't worry.

To make her look like Val Iron?

We spare no expense.

I mean... Quick gawking.

Go pick her up at this address.

This exercise puts you in tune with the ocean currents and cleanses your mind.

Do you want to try?

All right, sure. Why not?

Awesome!

It's really fun, dude.

I think I can smell the ocean.

Smell this show off.

Excuse me, are you with VIP?

Tasha Dexter, lead associate. Pleasure to meet you. John Paul DeGioia,

CEO, John Paul Mitchell Systems.

Is Val around?

She's on special assignment with the vice president.

Oh, too bad. I was looking forward to meeting the world's greatest bodyguard.

I know.

Life's just not the same when Val's not around.

Nicotine to threat to avoid contact evaluation.

That's really necessary.

This test will determine if you have the mental capability to work with me.

For what you're paying me, you could throw me under a moving train.

Bring it on, Frankenstein.

You're shopping for legumes.

What?

Legume. It's another name for being.

Well, then just say so.

Stop trying to be a pain in my ass.

Let's try something else.

You're at a restaurant.

I don't go to restaurants. People spit in your food.

These are hypothetical situations, Joan. Please cooperate. I need a reading.

You're at a restaurant, and a man at a nearby table starts violently choking.

What do you do?

I get away from the freak. I don't want to get yacked on.

You're driving down the street and you see an old woman with a flat tire

signaling for help. What do you do?

I fly right by the old bag. She shouldn't be driving.

Tell me about your mother.

My mother?

Yes, I see from your file she left when you were five.

No.

Sounds like you had problems at home.

sociopaths, so am I.

We're going to get along just fine.

But before you start your valent training, you need a makeover.

Oh, thanks for taking me here, Val.

I am so for this vaccination thing, yeah.

What's next on our itinerary?

Oh, we have a spiritual awakening seminar and an authentic Indian sweat

man's choking.

We have to help him.

He might throw up on us. Max, we have a responsibility to humanity. We have to

help.

Don't worry, mister. We'll save you. Just open up. Get it out. This is the

evasive, harmless maneuver.

Clear. Clear.

Clear. Oh, wait. I don't think he's choking.

I don't. No choke.

I've got asthma.

Sorry. Just trying to help.

Chew your food very well

I

found our little friends

Good Make sure they don't come back

Well, do I look like the world's greatest bodyguard?

If I didn't know the difference, I'd kill you myself.

Well, I guess I can take this smelly mop off until I need it.

This is going to work like a charm.

I'll never see it coming.

A toast.

To the end of VIP.

Forever.

Sounds like fun.

Hey, Tosh told me the VP hired Val for some super secret government gig.

Pretty cool.

What?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Um, hey, when Uncle Sam calls, Val listens.

Hey, thanks for helping me with this, man.

Gotta paddle up to Pepperdine to give a lecture after tomorrow's American Sea

shindig. We can give you a lift.

Oh, no thanks, man. I don't do the fossil fuel thing.

Ride with the tides.

Hey, hey, hey. Cute Chico there at Starboard Side.

Hey. Don't break your necks.

Grab your bacteria, buckaroo. We're headed back to VIP Central.

Keep your eyes and your head slappy.

Is it me, or is this job smooth sailing without the figurehead?

I hate to admit it, but you're right.

Come on, if Val were here, we'd be redecorating this place to match your

favorite outfit. We'd be taking cappuccino breaks every five minutes and

on aromatherapy candles.

I kind of miss it.

Not me.

This is the way a job should be done.

You picked a bad night to

work. The Diablo 99 accelerant. Where?

Diablo 99?

I don't know what you're talking about. You tell us where it is and you won't

get shot.

In the freezer.

Relax.

Got it.

I told you I wouldn't shoot you.

This is one half of Diablo.

Dr. Bonsai's neck.

Ladies need a refill?

Oh, you bet. We are melting like ice flakes in the microwave.

Now enjoy compliments of the meridian.

Thanks.

The bestest friends at the best resort ever.

Totally best.

Ah!

What? Totally grody. Don't drink that. What's the matter, Goldilocks?

Someone's been drinking my drink and it wasn't me.

That's not my shade of lipstick.

Oh, ew. Oh. Yoo -hoo!

Drink girl!

Um, can you take us away? We need some fresh ones. These are kind of yucky.

Someone's got lipstick.

Talk to her.

Oh, no, she doesn't.

Drink girl just blew us off.

Well, you will be looking for a new job once I call the manager.

Oh. I forgot, no cell phone.

What's the matter, Valgal?

My spidey sense is tingling.

Something funky about that drink girl.

She looks familiar.

Tasha Dexter, former KGB, proficient with knives, covert recon, licensed

helicopter pilot.

Sounds socially retarded.

Nikki Franco, queen of bombs.

Blew up this, blew up that.

This chick should be institutionalized.

Oh, God, get a life.

Not afraid of you, karate man.

Nice burns, buddy.

Getting to know your future co -workers?

Yeah, it's amazing these misfits could get anything done.

Guess Valerie Irons whipped them into shape.

There's no mistake. She's the world's greatest bodyguard.

Mm -hmm.

Now, I'm reading through VIP's case files, and Irons and Dexter have an

interesting relationship.

I think I'll play on it.

You've been up all night studying. Take a break and go grab me a cup of coffee

from down the street.

Get it yourself.

I have to run some tests on the Diablo accelerant.

Take my car.

She's on the move.

Coffee run my ass.

See if you've got what it takes to fill the shoes of Val, eh?

Adios, gun.

Adios, radiator.

Adios, turquoise.

Here's your coffee. Laugh just the way you like it.

What the hell were you thinking?

Your bozos came after me. I took them out. It was too clean, too perfect.

So? Val Irons fools her adversaries into thinking she's a nincompoop. That's her

secret. If you walk into VIP tomorrow and appear competent, you'll never be

mistaken for her.

Sorry, I'll be a little more nincompoopish next time.

You failed.

Discipline her.

Oops. I dropped my shoe.

If you bit me one more time, I'll kill you.

Satisfied now?

You're ready.

This is one of the best VIP gigs ever.

Nothing can ruin this day.

Surprise. Wow. What are you doing back from the spa so soon?

Just webbing for me.

What? An all -expense paid vacation to one of the most exclusive spas in the

state of California?

Did I miss something?

Only three of the best spiritual awakening seminars that I've ever been

Sorry I missed it.

You know, I was at the authentic Indian sweat lodge and I had an epiphany.

Blowing off work is a really bad thing.

So I was ridden with guilt. I left the lodge sweating all.

I'm glad you're back.

Mr. Haircare himself, John Paul DiGiorgio, was dying to meet you.

That's nice.

I have a present for you, Tasha.

While I was at the sweat lodge, I was thinking about all the bickering we do,

and I want to put an end to it. I want to be girlfriends forever.

Thanks, Val.

These are exact replicas of brushing throwing knives.

Sterling silver.

I used to have real ones of these when I worked with the... KGB?

Maybe.

Thanks, Val.

I knew you'd like them.

Where's Dr. Bronte?

He's back at HQ prepping for his big speech tonight.

Well, as fearless leader of VIP, I have responsibility to the client.

I better bop on back there. Bye.

Bizarro, Val.

Spiritual awakening?

Maybe it does really work.

Very good.

Out and in.

Out and in. I could do this all day long.

Well, fault me out because I'm turning into a human pretzel.

Deeply and evenly.

Up to dog pose.

Hold it.

And stretch.

Stretch.

She uses them when she wants to kill people.

Ew. Yuck.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

It's that evil drink girl. She's shooting a blowgun at us. Well, that's a

harsh just because we stood there on the tip.

No, you know what? I recognize her. That's Angel. That's Dr. Tina Stokes'

sidekick enforcer.

Run!

Dr. Tina Stokes, the psychotic scientist suspected of destroying the world?

in prison. Oh, what are we going to do?

I don't know. Call Tasha.

There's no phones here, remember?

Oh, no, his phone. Ding, ding, ding.

Ding, ding, ding.

Ding, ding, ding.

Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding.

Ding, ding, ding.

Ding, ding, ding.

Oh,

is she dead? Is she dead?

No, she's in creepy land. Well, what are we going to do with her?

Not only will this keep her here, it'll do wonders for her skin.

You should thank us.

Sweat lodge.

Sweaty.

Where's the client?

He's over there.

Shh. He's mentally preparing for his big speech.

I have to talk to him.

No. No, Val.

Val.

Bonsai specifically requested that he not be interrupted.

Okay.

The Pokemon website is about to crash if you don't log on and fix it right now.

Gee, that's odd.

I've never seen Val flip in high heels before.

I will kill you slowly, pathetic one.

Wake up. Oh, hey, Val Irons. Aloha.

Hey, how'd your special government assignment go?

Fantastic.

Where's your bacteria?

Oh, Nikki put it away for safekeeping.

I need to hold on to it.

What?

All right, guys.

We should get a move on.

Johnny, I'm trying to discuss important business with the client.

All right.

We can wait.

I know about Diablo.

Oh, my God.

How do you know about that?

I'm Valerie Irons, the world's greatest bodyguard.

I know everything.

You know, Diablo is a total goof -up. We didn't want to make that nasty stuff.

Well, word is out some freak is trying to steal your bacteria and turn it into

Diablo 99 and sell it on the black market.

Oh,

this sucks bad.

Okay. I'm going to get it back from Nikki and give it to you at the American

Seeds event pronto.

Let's just keep this between us.

I don't want to scare anybody.

Aloha, Dad.

Oh, Val.

I feel a lot better giving this to you.

Evil could be anywhere.

Don't worry, everything will be fine.

I'm the world's greatest bodyguard.

Keynote speaker on deck.

Quick's waiting for you near the stage.

Johnny, you have to stop interrupting us.

Sorry.

Nice hearing, girlfriend.

Thanks.

You know, this event sucks.

Why don't we go do a little target practice after?

Yeah, I'd love to, girlfriend.

That's real strange.

Yeah, at first I was kind of liking it, but now she's starting to give me the

willies.

Hey, Val, we heard you couldn't make it. What a nice surprise.

Yeah, it's me. I gotta go.

Hey, are you using that conditioner I sent you? Your hair isn't looking as

groovy as normal.

It's all the pollution in the city.

I have something for that, our new supercharged conditioner. I'll send you

sample. Fine. Stop touching my hair, weirdo.

Is it me or is Valerie Irons, excuse my French, a biatch?

Excuse me. Have you seen the VIPs? It's very, very important.

Valerie Irons.

Jean -Paul?

Oh, my God. I love your hair care products. You have to give me a tour of

factory. I bet it smells like coconut.

Do you give out free samples?

Val, your hair, it looks great.

Oh, of course it does.

I used the conditioner you sent me.

Fabulous.

What? Oh, do I have a blemish? I've been under mongo stress lately.

Val, if I didn't know any better, I'd say there were two of you at this party.

Well, little me goes a long way.

No, seriously, Val. You just ran past us, and your hair was looking limp.

Oh, my God. Someone must be impersonating me.

That is so Tina Stokesian.

Here's the other half of your precious Diablo 99.

VIP bought you his iron?

Yeah, I had that tall one wrapped around my finger.

Don't get too attached.

Now that we have the Diablo formula, there's no reason for VIP to stay alive.

What were for you guys?

Val, I'm going to ask you a question, okay? Are you joking on me or what?

I mean, the high five, the target practice, the girlfriend.

Not that I don't like it.

Tasha, I just got back from the spa.

Look at my skin.

Oh, my God.

You must have had a visit from her.

Who? Tina Stokes, messenger of doom.

Evil me.

There's two of me running around here, and Tina's behind it.

Val, that's insane.

Tasha, don't be a dorkasaurus.

Tina's the one who sent me the tickets to the spa. Then she said Angel Hearn

forced her to get Max and I out of the picture. And then she said evil me, my

twin, here to fool you guys.

What are those earrings?

You gave them to me.

I would never give you those gross things.

Oh, my God.

She fooled you.

The great Tasha Dexter fooled by an ugly set of earrings.

Escape her of the gulag. Beat her up of many bad guys, Val.

That's enough.

Okay, girlfriend.

Oh, my God.

This means imposter Val took my bacteria.

All this sucks bad.

How bad?

Well, combine my bacteria with the DNA, so you've got Diablo 99.

Totally nasty toxin. I've heard about that. It turns oceans into jello.

Nasty bioweapons. That is so Tina.

Why didn't you tell us about it?

Well, Impostor Val told me not to.

It's all right.

Kate put a tracer inside the container. We can still track it.

One drop of Diablo and a sample of ocean water.

This crap is badass. People charge more, Tina.

According to the case, this is it.

Let's keep some sci -fi nerd ass.

All right, you guys whoop Tina's butt, but evil me is all mine.

Val, you're staying out here.

No, I have to destroy evil me. It's my destiny.

We need a lookout, Val.

Fine. Bring me the head of the one.

Is that a first yourself?

I would be very impressed.

Our buyer.

We have an appointment with Dr. Tina Stokes.

Hey, Tasha, you go, girlfriend.

It's over, Tina. You going back to your prison mamas?

I don't think so.

Hey, wait a minute. Going somewhere?

Yeah, miss all the fun?

Third time's not a charm, Tina. You lose.

What are you going to do, shoot me?

No.

I never learn.

Hey! Too fine to be swinging at me.

Got to go.

I need a weapon.

I need a weapon.

Hey, Elgie.

Yeah, you. That's right. You who think she's me, but she's not.

Oh, great Valerie Irons. Yeah, and you're trying to copy my wardrobe, too.

That's a big bozo no -no.

You're going to pay for that.

I hate book chases.

Okay, I'm prepared.

Okay, I'm gonna get to you.

Get back here!

Alright, this thing went faster.

I don't believe that. My friends thought you were me. We look nothing alike.

Yeah, really. You look fat in that outfit.

Oh, you're making me mad, evil me. You don't want to see me when I get mad.

Talk to Zombrilla.

Must have gadgets in it somewhere.

You're gonna die.

to learn you can't beat us.

Yeah. Hey, girlfriend. It's me, Val.

Val, did you see your twin?

Yeah, I totally kicked her butt with your umbrella.

But then she took off before I could unleash my finishing move. The cops will

get her.

I don't know.

She went totally psycho and said she was going to go after Bonsai.

Ouch!

I

can't

wait. find my nasty evil twin. I don't think she's here, Val.

Hey, Val.

Quick found Bonsai. It's all good.

No sign of Val's double.

We checked everywhere.

All right.

I guess we'll live another day to kick her butt.

Can't wait.

I never liked her.

I don't know.

I didn't think she was that bad. There's something kind of charming about her,

actually. How cute.

Tasha found her first friend.

You guys are morons.

What did you do with Val? I didn't do anything with her.

That quad tried to hit me with an umbrella and fell into a box full of

ornaments.

Some leader.

Say goodbye.

This one's fine.

Probably the one that...

The evil bell pertains to the good bell.

Thanks for making me walk with you.

Dad,

dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad.

You want this crap?

Come and get it.

any of since yellow

I haven't seen her around this.

Pastor Dexter, this is your best friend speaking.

I miss you.

We never got a chance to do fun stuff.

Get together and sharpen lives.

Help you? Hey, where are you going? Hey, bathroom's this way. Hey, hey, hey.

Not today.

Great and powerful odds.

Hey, what's up with the video?

Keep you from getting brainwashed by evil me ever again. Plus, it goes really

good with most brown and black action outfits.

Thanks, Val.

Sure will come in handy.

You didn't like evil me better than wonderful, nice me, did you?

No.

Pasha? No, really.

And now for another technical briefing. Today's profile, Kay Simmons on the

associates of VIP.

Everyone here at VIP, we're a big family.

Nikki, wow.

Nothing to dislike about Nikki. Keep your eyes and your head slappy.

I wouldn't want to make Nikki angry. Quick, William is so wonderful. He is

a kind man.

Yeah, let's go.

Johnny is just, he is, he's a firecracker.

Papa, she has a lot of trouble expressing herself and showing emotion.

What are you going to do, shoot me?

No.

Valerie Iron is... My fight isn't tingling.

The most important role model.

Little me goes a long way.

She is a very strong, beautiful woman.

Don't worry, mister. We'll save you. Just open up. Sit down. This is the

public maneuver.

Clear. Clear.

Clear. Drop out.

The IP is a lot of... Hmm.