Original subtitles

See those dives?

Titanium armor is the bomb!

Okay, Nicky. Start coming at one o 'clock. One guy in the bed.

Probably armed.

See that?

Didn't forget to sterilize the van.

High resolution, you can read license later. Yard.

That arm keeps saying about a bazooka.

Oh, look out! Get out the way!

Just keep your eyes on the road, okay?

VIP?

Yeah, what of it?

Ty Bolander, Hampton Security, New York.

Hampton has a summer playground dead nine months of the year. Hampton's has

billionaires per square inch than Bev Hills and Silicon Valley combined.

I thought you guys would be bigger.

Yeah, well, we get bigger when we get excited.

Ty Bolander.

Hi. You're the guy who's going to kidnap our client in the bodyguard challenge,

right? That's right, and I'm the one that's going to win the cash prize and

shiny trophy.

Sweet.

Whatever, Tybo. You left those guys' jaw a lot.

Is VIP as good as they say?

Better.

VIP, and all our other bodyguard teams in action, noon tomorrow, in the

Bodyguard Challenge.

We've got some serious competition.

You got that right.

Who are you going to call?

Call him. I've got to call Relic.

Relic! Hi, it's Belle.

No, we're coming in. I need a huge table because we're going to have a party.

No, I'm going to bring you a Bodyguard Expo t -shirt.

Yeah, sure, Val. Whatever you say. You're my favorite customer.

It's a done deal.

Bye.

The list.

Where is it?

I'm getting it.

Later today, I promise.

You promise?

Guess what?

I'll be back here at 7 o 'clock. If you don't have that list, I promise I will

kill you.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Pluck from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

Just a reminder, the Bodyguard Challenge begins today.

So, teams, get your celebrity guest kidnap victim ready for action.

I'm a rock. I'm a rock.

I'm a rock. I'm a rock.

Breathe, mister. Breathe.

You know what? This Bodyguard Expo is going to be such a hoot. Yeah? But you

know what's going to be hootier? If we could find a special guest star kidnap

victim. No one will do it.

Well, who's no one?

Made Ryan?

Yeah, she won't do it. But you know, it's probably a good thing because she

short blonde hair. It could totally be confused, okay?

Don't want to do that. No, no, no.

Brad Pitt?

I totally wanted him to do it, but until he decides on a hairstyle, I don't know

if he's quite right anyway.

Bruce Willis?

Yeah, he denied us.

And he did Friends. Way better than Friends. Way more fun.

Well, I'm telling you, I don't know. Look.

Did you try Dolly Parton?

She's bigger than that.

Much bigger.

Oh, sorry.

Well, you know what? You know who would do better than any of these people?

Fabulous. This one. Right here.

Maxine de la Cruz?

You want me to do it? Please, please, please. You're totally my best friend,

I'm totally in a blind.

Okay, I now pronounce you special guest star bodyguard kidnap victim.

And Ty Bolander will never put his paws on you. I promise.

Yes. Yes.

Yes!

I've never been this happy about a man not putting his hands on me.

True. True that.

I get the list at seven tonight.

You meet the seller yet?

Still dealing with that dipwad bartender who claims he's connected.

He promised.

I'm getting heartburn just thinking about these undercover cops trying to

me down.

So we get the list, we beat them to it.

How many names do you say were on the list?

Four, sir.

Well, four future dead cops is not too high a price to pay to keep me on the

now, is it? I'll feel it.

Okay.

We have to register our client. The judge is over at the bodyguard

I hope you found someone.

Carnax says the person who's going to help us with the bodyguard challenge

You're kidding, right?

Maxine. This is going to be great.

One victim at your service.

Okay. Here's how it goes.

We protect you.

Bolander tries to kidnap you.

Simple. If you don't run off with the first dude who flirts with you.

Moi. Vous.

You guys, Ty Bolander is a total poo -poo head.

Okay, all we have to do is keep Max for six hours and we win the contest.

Here's your list.

Okay, all right. I'll behave. Just don't look at me like that. You're giving me

the heebie -jeebie.

I'm not looking at you.

What?

Done.

That guy was done.

10 -2 -1 drink special.

Get somebody else to break this up. Beach cops and shorts, my question is.

I pay

$50

,000 for the name of one lousy undercover cop?

He's obviously playing us for more money.

Oh, he's playing us all right.

He had his own muscle.

Next thing you know, the cops were there.

I say we kill them. All right, sit.

Sit.

All right, we have one name.

All these cops know each other.

This Maxine De La Cruz is just going to have to open up to us.

Find her.

The moment you've all been waiting for, the bodyguard challenge is about to

begin. Get ready.

Maxine de la Cruz, I hear you're going to be kidnapping me today.

He's going to try, but he won't succeed.

Scrappy, I like that.

Why don't you go vote somewhere else?

Hey, you warmed it up to me, too. Do you like the salsa there?

Okay, okay, you two. Obviously, you have the hots for each other. But can you

flirt later? Because we need to read the rules.

Johnny. Do you have that expo job booklet thingy? Yes.

We've got to read it by the right act. The bodyguard challenge begins at noon.

We have to maintain the client for six hours and deliver her under this clock

precisely 6 p .m. Easy, breezy, beautiful.

Only if you have her.

We will.

The client must stay within a 15 -mile radius.

Only licensed employees of the competing firms can participate.

This is really beautiful.

I haven't seen anybody with this type of color before. I think women ought to

wear more color.

Max, Max, Max, this is the good part. The grand prize winner shall be

on the basis of style, originality, and flair.

That is so VIP.

Can't wait to get started.

Well, you're going to have to wait because we only have enough time to get

new outfits. Very important.

hour. That is definitely a record.

The right clothes are so important. Men do notice.

Slowly over to the car at the curb while you're dead.

I don't have my kidnapping outfit on yet.

Wait a second. Isn't it a bit early for a kidnapping? It's not even noon yet.

Whatever.

You're that guy from phone.

Ballander hired you from phone. Well, you know, he's not getting away with

cheating like this.

I'm not kidding, Gidget.

Well, you don't have to be.

and you already lost Maxine?

Well, remember what Tybo Lander said? He couldn't wait to get started.

And plus, he had some other guy from Foam get her.

Outside helper. Yeah, little Tybo peep is not playing fair.

All right, we'll get Maxine back and then lodge a complaint before final

judging. Where'd they hit you?

The boardwalk.

Between, um, the Gap and Banana Republic.

I have a weapons expo, and Johnny Lowe's running the hand -to -hand combat

seminar. Nikki and I have fine -boned it. No, I'm going with you because I am

the witness.

Can I go?

Can I hug? Can I go?

Very

realistic.

What, do you get extra points for that? Shut up.

You're making me nuts.

Officer de la Cruz.

Nice to meet you.

Officer? Okay.

You're a friend of Ty's?

Ty's? I might be.

We might have several friends in common.

Your name is on a list.

Oh, yeah, the list.

You know about the list?

You know who else is on the list?

Oh, uh, yeah, let me see.

Meg Ryan, Brad Pitt, Bruce Willis.

Think this is a joke?

I want those names.

I'm trying to tell you.

You cops.

You all think you're comedians.

But you know what's really funny?

What?

Thinking how my friend over here is going to get those names out of you.

If it's so important to you, why don't you just call Val Iron? She's the one

that made up the list anyway.

Valerie Iron's protection?

Yeah. Duh.

You know what she's talking about?

Bodyguards. Makes sense. They work with undercover cops all the time.

fun when you watch it at double speed.

Yeah, Relic's running his butt off. Well, he deserves it.

Cop, beat her up, her.

Any sign of your kidnapper yet?

No.

VIP soon to be named world's greatest bodyguards.

It's for you.

Val in the flesh.

We have your friend.

You do?

Well, we're gonna get her back.

She said I should talk to you.

Nope. No, no, no.

We don't want any hints.

We're going to get her back all on our own, okay? We're not cheaters like

somebody else I know. And we're going to win the bodyguard challenge. And you

can stick that in your hat. Ha!

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

You certainly told him, didn't you?

She hung up on me.

Well,

just so you know, I have a long dossier on you, Hobbs.

If things do not go right...

It goes straight to LAPD.

I want that list.

My eyes are starting to water. Can't you just fast forward and look for some

baby face guy with little pig eyes?

No.

All right, listen to this.

Boland has dropped out of sight.

Not a peep. We checked out his cheesy party girl team.

They were like jerky wheatgrass at the expo. And I thought we still had Maxine.

But we don't.

Well, somebody does.

She wasn't just yanked away by... by... a stranger.

I'm not so sure.

But why would anybody want Max?

We better find out fast.

What else do you remember about the dude who snatched it?

I can show you a picture.

Look, it's that guy at the end of the bar.

That's the guy that kidnapped Max.

Looks like he knows Relic.

Well, that smarty -pants bartender is going to tell us who his friend is.

He shouldn't be hard to find.

He's in jail after that incident at Foam.

Poor Maxine. She is the best roommate a girl could hope for.

Except for the weird thing she does with that little...

Leftover, lost, should be in the sink.

Used up, really gross. I'm sure it's unsanitary.

The good news is, the relic's in jail, so we know where to find it.

I wouldn't make any bets about that.

There's the relic right there.

Hang on, bat turn.

Smart move.

Didn't I kick you last night like this?

Quick, Nikki, Val.

Meet Detective Swindon and Lopez, LAPD.

Uh -oh.

Is this one of those Mission Impossible moments where you're going to rip off an

incredibly accurate mask and reveal that you're the chief of police or

something? Close.

Detective Billy Pierce.

LAPD.

Detective? Wait a second. We just saw you get arrested last night.

I was undercover.

You were running a stinging phone?

Two guys botched it. Eight months of setup down the drain.

Oops.

Take it from here, guys.

You got it, Detective.

We got wind of somebody looking to get their hands on the names of undercover

cops.

Every time we got close to this individual, it ended up like this alley.

Dead end.

So we made up a list, and that was the go -between.

To draw the buyer.

Until we showed up.

Not as dumb as you act in bars.

Oh, no.

This could be worse than it looks.

Is there any way that your list looks like this?

I think the bad guy's got our list. Yeah, we're pretty sure they got Maxine,

too. It's a long story.

Listen,

we could use your help.

Sorry, I can't help you with your friend.

She might be my only chance to get back in touch with the buyer.

So guess what? You can't go after her, either. You got that? This is a police

matter now.

Wait a second. I know Max has a problem with floss and, like, toothpaste stuck

to the sink and everything, but... Stay out of it.

And move your truck before I have it towed.

digging down, which team of safety protection experts will win the big day?

Our big clock says we'll find out in just over three hours.

I got a 10 -20 on the football.

VIP stash are in some warehouse out near the Burbank airport.

But that's out of the 15 -mile zone.

Yeah, tell me about it. They also hired a new outfit, too. Like Val -Ion said,

VIP is totally cheating.

Uh, Ty, tracking the client with the GPS locator is cheating.

Yeah, but they don't know we're cheating.

I can't believe that Relic is a police officer.

I know. He's totally on my pooper list. Now I'm going to have to teach another

person how to make the perfect moderate.

Relic telling us to back off is totally bogus. Not as bogus as someone buying

Maxine as an undercover cop.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Maxine is very clever.

She's seen every episode of White Guy.

Yeah, she'll fool for all of two seconds.

How are we going to reach the kidnappers?

Well, didn't they call less than half an hour ago?

Good thinking, Val.

I'm going to hack into the phone company's records and trace every single

that's come into the VIP phone line. Better yet, send out a fiber optic

and recapture their call.

No. Jack into the PacDoll satellite uplink.

Hey, I only have ten fingers, and this is going to take some time.

Were the kidnappers the last people to call here?

I don't know, Val. I'm very busy right now.

Uh, it's nine.

Once again, the phone is your friend.

Who are these guys?

I thought they were with you.

You too.

Shut up.

Hey, look.

Think back.

No matter how much time.

Are you coming on to me? Just do it. I think I've got a way to think it out.

Yeah.

Hello, this is Valerie Irons. And I have your precious... It's a undercover

copper list, and if you want it, you better listen, and listen good.

It's Valerie Iron. She says she has the list.

Yes, keep talking.

Oh, that relic is a scammer.

That, uh, list that he sold you is phonier than, uh, Sasquatch.

Well, then, who is this Maxine de la Cruz?

Oh, she's, she's the greatest snitch in the history of snitching.

But she amuses me.

And I want her back.

The list for Maxine. Straight up.

Dealio?

We trade on my turf.

Don't try anything clever.

I wouldn't want to have to kill her.

Can I talk to the merchandise, please?

Yeah.

Well... Maxine, I'm so sorry. You're the bestest friend in the whole world, and

I would never put you in any kind of danger. I'm really, really sorry. Just

polite, okay?

No, I'm not going anywhere. I'm tied up.

What was that?

I was called waiting.

Yes? It's Relic.

Still want to make a deal?

You're too late, screw -up.

I got a better offer from Valerie Irons.

Valerie Irons?

VIP? Hey, it's Johnny.

What's going on? Where's everyone?

As it turns out, Relic is an undercover police officer.

Val set up an exchange with the kidnapper, who isn't Ty Bolander, by the

She's going with Quick and Nicky.

And I set Val up with a brooch cam, so now I can see every move she makes and

report back.

Thanks a lot, Kay.

Did a good job.

I thought so, too.

None of your business.

I see you in there. I do so love this brooch camp.

Let's see who our buyer is.

Naughty, naughty judge.

See the list.

Can it.

We want Maxine now.

I can't believe how it's talking and it's doing it. It's a stupid bodyguard

challenge. He volunteered.

You still have time.

What? That clown's over there too?

You don't have to be kissing me in my ear. You've got to save him.

Another one of my snitches in there as a hostage.

What of it?

Well, he's a low -life, scum -sucking, lying sea urchin just like her.

No liars, no lip.

Bring Bolander over here.

I thought that door was locked.

No, it wasn't. Where's Val Irons?

Val, get out here.

You've got some explaining to do.

Val's not here.

I could either leave a message for her on her voicemail or send her an email.

Or perhaps there's something I can help you with.

Here's the deal.

You tell Val Irons that she has now officially interfered with a police

investigation.

That's a federal offense.

Oh, well, then maybe you want to speak with Tasha. She's very familiar with

federal offenses.

She's just wrapping things up over at the Bodyguard Expo.

Thanks. You've been a real help. I'll give Val your message.

Are you okay?

Oh, my God. They cut the tongue out of his mouth.

It's in your mouth.

Spit it out.

Spit it out!

It's a wire.

have some sort of tracking device.

He's been cheating the whole time.

Yeah, but if he's killed, I don't think we win the bodyguard challenge by

default. I'm not playing around.

Drop him.

Guys.

We heard you the first time.

Go to plan B.

Drop all of them in the ocean.

This really hurts my chances of winning the bodyguard challenge.

Well, the IP is going to win because you're a cheater and cheaters never

prosper. I hate to remind you two, but we're probably going to die before the

contest ends.

Cheater.

Birds in the air. Everything's going as planned.

No, Hobbs.

It did not go as planned.

Instead of my going to the Supreme Court, I'm moving down to Rio before a

of stinking undercover cops bury me.

Got it?

Yes, sir.

Now, can you or can you not tie up all the loose ends without me holding your

hand?

Yes, sir. I know what to do.

Nice ball.

Quick, there's no time for a drink.

I got an idea.

Thanks, Kay.

Val had some trouble at the exchange.

I can't believe I let them go without backup.

Kay says that Krieger's private jet's headed for Hawaii.

A fellow passenger logged with the FAA.

Things must have gone south.

They're skipping town.

Oh, maybe.

Here's the weird thing, though.

Kay says that someone else purchased a one -way plane ticket to Rio using the

judge's credit card.

Okay, smart guys.

You've got some explaining to do.

Oh, yeah?

What do you got there, Relic?

What, this?

Ow!

Ow! How'd you do that?

Look, we're a little busy, okay? Our client just got kidnapped, remember?

All right.

Maybe she'll be working together?

Maybe.

What do you got in mind?

I think I'm going to borrow some wheels.

Keep up, Relic. Hey!

on autopilot heading for Hawaii.

Oh, great.

I'll pack mine away in there.

Well, that's the bad news. You're not going to make it.

The plane's going to crash.

You'll all die.

And the judge will be assumed dead.

That's not good.

Well, have a good trip.

There's something you should keep with you.

Yeah? What's that?

It's that...

off of me.

Get this freak off of me.

Something's bothering me.

Guy files a flight plan? Everybody knows about it.

A real flight is only for another two hours.

Think of what I'm thinking?

Maybe he's not a private jet.

We know how he travels on the ground.

Yeah, but there's a million cars between here and the airport. How are we

supposed to find out which one?

The government pays for his car. He's got a federal tag.

Okay, we need a plate number.

We can track him on satellite.

Love you guys.

I love this car.

Okay, Maxinator, you're bailing out of here with Bollinger. Let's go. No, I'm

not. Oh!

Oh, hey, this might be fine after all.

Okay, now remember, pull the cord or you both go splat. Yeah, thanks.

This is really cool in the car.

Hope you make it.

Bear me.

Get your ball.

Let's go. Go.

parachute. But don't worry, I got a 50 -50 chance to land in this bucket.

Looks like the altitude took the pop off your right cross.

I wanted to let you feel useful.

Well, how about you tie him up and I try landing this bird?

VIP. Hey, hi, it's Val.

Um, let me ask you something.

Do you know how to fly an airplane?

What would they do without me?

Welcome, virtual cockpit.

That car behind her. Yes, sir.

Step on it.

Car problems?

Take him down.

Keep up, guys.

All right.

I did it okay.

I turned this baby.

It's all good, Kay.

Now what?

Val, check her altimeter.

We want you flying at about 15 ,000 feet.

Okay. Um, when do I get to play at the flap?

That would be right about now.

Runway?

Nettie?

Nettie, you can do it, Val.

Easy, easy, easy.

You know that's true, baby.

Still haven't heard from VIP and Hampton Security, the bodyguard...

bodyguard challenge.

What?

Tears.

Tear, tear, tear.

Well, why did you call Cain instead of me about landing that plane?

Because he would have yelled at me.

Just kidding.

I forgot your cell phone number.

Really? I did.

You know this bar is not going to be the same without relics. Yo.

There he is.

How's it going?

Right. Come on, just for you. Hey, congratulations.

Let's see where you are getting commuted.

I hacked into the LAPD intranet.

I mean, I heard it. I heard it from a really close friend of mine.

I'm on a new deep undercover assignment.

I will drink to that. Give it up, guys.

that serious jet lag. You know, I'd be doing a disservice to the bodyguard

industry if I didn't share this award with someone special.

Someone who came through in the crunch more than I would have given her credit

for.

Maxine De La Cruz.

Get your tush up here.

This episode of VIP featured music by Amanda Goat.

For another VIP top secret technical briefing, today's subject, martial arts.

I'm really not that comfortable talking about my background in too much detail.

But I'm very familiar with the forms of jiu -jitsu practiced by the Soviets,

that's not.

And Israeli Krav Maga.

And for relaxation, practice Aido.

Not that I would like that at all.

When you're a bodyguard, your first goal is to immobilize an opponent quickly

and completely.

I know how to do that.

I learned basic self -defense in the army.

I've studied a little kickboxing, but I don't have any particular style.

I prefer to kick ass now and let someone else describe it later.

I'm not very physical.

And I got hurt several times, and Tasha made me stop going out in the field as

often. It was an insurance reason.

Valerie Irons is... Well, you don't have to be rude. She's very smart. She's

very capable.

Quick.

She rocks. I don't know what it is.

Blond jitsu?