Original subtitles

You know my people are desperate for depleted uranium shells.

Your people know the price.

60 billion wire for the Geneva account.

You!

I know you don't think that the funeral parlor job is the liveliest, but it is

Quick's cousin.

Graffiti on a coffin?

I think you guys can handle that without me.

Police are combing the area for evidence as the coroner removes the body.

So far, there are no leads in this morning's bizarre murder of a phone

worker. Strangely, the phone company can find no record of this employee.

This is Carolyn Culligan reporting Channel 6.

We were colleagues.

Oh, so sorry.

Wait a second.

You worked for the phone company?

Not the phone company.

Oh, the other company.

CIA, right?

Maybe.

I'm out of here.

Tasha, wait for me!

What about Quick Cousin?

And what... Are you dressed in combat gear?

None of your business.

Maybe you'll hear from me in a couple of days.

Maybe I'll hear from you in a couple of days?

Okay, now you are officially scaring me, Tasha. I mean, more than usual.

I checked the fuel gauge. Okay, you got four gallons.

I tried to stop her, but she gave me that Cruella de Vil look.

You know the one.

She wants a fur coat, and I'm just a helpless little black and white puppy.

Well, obviously you have to issue cake. You were definitely right to come to me,

because Tasha's out of control.

Well, I'm not exactly sure what triggered it, but it's something about a

guy, the phone company, and the CIA.

Well, I'll just tell her to drop her little TV, then I will trick her and bow

mouth, and I'll have her in the palm of my hand.

It's going to be pretty, and we probably won't be able to kick off again. Oh,

yeah? Well, I just lost my favorite hat.

There's a Navy base at China Lake. I'll drop you off and pick up a new bird. Oh,

no, no, no. You're not going to drop me off. I'll buy myself.

I'm here, and I'm helping you.

What is this, anyway?

Don't touch that.

I have an obligation.

I have to do this alone.

Oh, yeah? Coach, I was at me. I guess it means you're in trouble, right? Well, I

have obligations, too. I'm going to help you. I'm going to stay with you.

It means I'm not expected to return.

Oh.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Plucked from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

Push on to Yosemite. Maybe we can survive the landing.

Then I'll figure out what to do with you.

Look, I'm sorry about your TV, okay?

Hey!

My mission profile, not to be open until I get to the drop zone.

What is in there anyway? Some super -duper cool spy mission or something?

What if they just want you to pick up an onion loaf and bring it to the White

House?

Someone's killing a CIA double agent.

Special Agent Gerard bought a left in the Keys.

Hertz got greased this morning while tapping phone lines. Then there's

still alive, last I heard.

Somewhere in Yosemite backcountry.

And he and I have been through more missions than I can remember.

Well, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that the CIA wants you to protect

Thanos from the bad guys.

Hold the chalupa.

Someone's killing CIA double agents.

Weren't you a CIA double agent?

Who's going to protect you?

Me. I'm your bodyguard. So I'm entitled to know everything that's in there. Give

me that dossier.

What happened to your hat?

How would anyone want to desecrate a grave site?

So unprofessional.

It started last year when I began to market a little more aggressively.

You're kidding.

I always figured this was one business everyone needed sooner or later.

True, but which product?

Porter Coffin.

When your loved one relocates, the deceased stays by their side.

Doomstown.

64 -bit video gaming installed right at grave site.

Folks go for all this stuff?

Oh, in droves. But it attracts weirdos.

I just introduced the new line to the press. The next day, I come in, it's

covered in graffiti scrawls. We had to bring it up here just to try to get it

cleaned up. Take a look at this.

This is the vid crypt.

A family provides us with home videos and we create a tribute of cherished

moments.

That's Paul Maughan.

His boat exploded on the way to Catalina last week. They never recovered the

body. But he's so young.

That's his wife, Clara.

He bought this vid brick thing?

He heard the promotional offer about two weeks ago and apparently decided it was

time to plan for the future.

Well, let's go to your office and talk about how we can beef up security around

here. Okay.

May I? Oh, sure.

Help yourself.

Two

weeks

ago.

I'm going to run a background check.

You know that, uh, Code Niner thingy? Well, when they told you that, they did

not count on me coming with you. So now your chances are twice as good.

You can stop lobbying. I'm taking you with me.

You are?

Come on, if I leave you out here, you'd be plant food.

Oh, my God, you so want me to go with you. Let's open the secret order. Open,

open, open, open, open. No, we're not even at the drop zone.

Oh, God, they're dead.

Just tell us that we've got to protect Colonel Sanders.

No problemas para los amigos.

Right? Just you and me, kid.

The CIA's got to reimburse me for this, right?

That's strange.

The police report clearly says that the boat exploded because the barbecue was

missing a backflow preventer, but there it is right there.

Maybe he switched the tanks and forgot to put it back on.

No.

No, that's the exact same tank.

Then why would he take the valve off?

Maybe somebody else did.

This Colonel Sanders dude is so lucky that he has two of the best bodyguards

the whole world. You know what we're like? We're like... Butch and Sundance.

Starsky and Hutch. Han and Chili.

All right, I'm just going to close my eyes and count to ten and pray that when

I'm done, you're gone.

One, two, three, four, five, six,

seven. Please be gone.

Thumbprint authenticate for initial profile.

Hey!

No, give that to me. Come on. Give it.

Thumbprint authentication.

I'm serious.

I'm serious.

Oh, God.

This is so Mission Impossible.

I mean, so unoriginal.

Final request for self -destruct.

Seriously, stop.

Thumbprint launched.

Destruct sequence aborted.

Good day, Tasha. Thank you for coming.

Your country is once again in your debt.

By now, you've reached the drop zone.

Sorry, Chewie. Han's gonna do this solo.

Are you happy now? You got your orders. Now we can go protect Colonel Sanders.

Well, it turns out my orders aren't to protect him.

They're to kill him.

Hello?

Oh, stop complaining.

Now, you're lucky you didn't get bitten by a snake, because there's no way I'm

sucking black mamba venom out of you.

I know you're above following orders, Val, but check this out.

The Communists in Russia are grabbing the power again with the help of more

double agents.

It's the perfect cover.

They're already in the system, and they pose a threat to our nation.

Who's that?

Wick, my CIA controller.

Gerard and Hertz have flipped.

They would observe passing information.

I've terminated them both personally.

Now I need you to take care of Saunders.

I know he's your friend, Tasha.

That's precisely why you're the only one who can get close to him.

Good luck.

That was your final play?

All right, this is his thumbdork said Saunders is a baddie. Doesn't mean that

he's not entitled to a fair trial.

I watch court TV.

I was a spy for the Soviet Union before I switched sides.

During the transition, the agency could have snuffed me.

Wick went to bat for me. He saved my life.

I owe him.

Oh, so we pay him back by killing Sanders?

We definitely need help.

I am calling somebody.

Right?

703 -007 -4CIA.

How clever.

God, it's really heavy.

That's your model. It's only to confirm the kill, all right? Keep up, Val.

Things change.

All right, we're here to get answers, but we don't mention murder. Cool?

Mickey Martin, cool.

Mrs. Moth, I'm Quick Williams.

This is Kay Simmons.

Thanks for meeting us.

We're so sorry, Mrs. Moth. Your message said that there was some kind of problem

at Paul's gravestone.

Not to worry. We got that locked up tight now.

But was it something aimed at Paul personally?

I mean, I know he had some run -ins.

When, um, when he was alive.

What kind of run -ins?

I mean, he didn't say much.

Only that he owed some people money.

Lucky seven.

Paul had a gambling problem, didn't he, Mrs. Munson?

He was lucky.

At first.

He was finally getting his life back on track.

Can you believe he restored this entire boat personally?

I believe the myth that was in when we bought it.

And then the accident happened.

Mrs. Moss, we believe that there's more to your husband's death than meets the

eye.

What are you saying?

We're saying...

We're saying we'll have to get back to you after we have more information.

Excuse me. Please.

Please, I don't understand.

I hate to say it, but our little desk jockey's on to something.

Really? What are you talking about?

It's McNeil.

Round up some of the boys.

It looks like we got some nosy neighbors.

All right, Nick, what you got?

You dug this out of the hall.

It's part of the propane tank.

But get this.

It's got traces of isopentane.

That's the accelerant, right?

Firebugs love it. Bad for cooking burgers. But great if you want to roast

someone's weenie.

You looking for something more, bro -man?

Nope. Looks like I just found it.

Yeah, well, find your way up out of here.

We're busy.

Paul Moss' boat.

See, that's what I can't figure out.

The cops are happy.

Insurance company's happy.

Everybody's happy.

So why not just let dead dogs lie?

Because you know who's not happy?

The man's widow.

And me.

Clara. She's some little slice.

The boys and I are going to go over later and console her.

Is that all, Pops?

What are you doing?

We need to eat.

I'm going grocery shopping.

Wait a second. You know I have very strong feelings against killing animals.

Not to mention agent buddies that are currently working for the dark side that

you're supposedly friends with.

Here. Two power bars. A week past expiration, but I'll take the risk.

You know, the only reason you can tra -la -la through life is there are people

like me to do the dirty work.

Oh, whatever. Don't get all happy with me because you can't face your own

feelings instead of some stupid orders.

Afraid? I've been shot at more times than you've brushed your hair.

Well, here is another fine mess you got us into.

Me? I'm the one who wanted you to ditch the orders and turn back.

You?

You're the one that got your hat stuck in the helicopter intake valve.

Well, don't yell at me, miss. I'm going to take off without telling my friends.

Oh, now see what happens. I hope you're happy. When you're supposed to do what

you're supposed to do, you don't follow orders.

You're the great Valerie.

That's for my TV.

Sanders' trail is stone cold.

Hey, look at that tent.

Those are probably the bull hunks that set the snares.

Hey, is that a red breasted double breasted whippoorwill?

Very rare in these parts.

Where?

Over there. Oh, that's my compass.

Oh, man.

What's that poison oak?

Survival of the fittest.

That's what it's all about.

While Joe Nasdaq gets soft, scarfing down dot -coms and IPOs,

we're up here, working the land, getting strong.

We're the ones who will create the new world order.

Us!

Hola! Bonjour!

So nice to see you guys.

I need your help.

Hey, don't I know you? I think I met you at, um... Oh, yeah, Chris Rock's Fourth

of July party, right?

No.

Oh, okay. Well, listen, um... A friend of mine has this totally whacked -out

plan about shooting somebody, and I need your help to stop her.

You guys wouldn't have, like, a shower or a leafy sponge or anything, would

Val, let's get going.

Oh, good.

You brought along olive oil.

I bet you thought I couldn't slow you down.

You know what she said about your tattoos?

She said that they were badly done and that they were the only thing that stuck

out on your body.

Val, let's go.

Was there something that you wanted to say?

Whooped his ass.

All of their asses.

Can we go now? Because, like you said, the trail's a frosty freeze.

All outsiders will get theirs. Your face is burned into my memory.

You will fly!

Okay, memory boy.

See a guy come through here, wirey 5 '10"? John Lennon specs.

Maybe.

Which way'd he go?

We got his picture from the dock security cam.

The dude definitely wasn't hanging around to spackle houseboats.

He's a collector for the mob.

Specializes in gambling debts.

But don't worry. We're not the only ones that want to dropkick him to San Q.

He's got a bounty on him for 70 Gs.

So, Paul murdered?

Mrs. Moss, uh... No, I can handle the truth. Please.

Well, it definitely wasn't an accident.

My partners would tell you the same thing, but they're too professional.

Me? I'm just a secretary.

And if I were in your shoes, I would want to know more.

Well, yes, I do.

I traced the isopentane back to a welding supplier near the marina.

It was purchased with a credit card owned by Egan Muchnick?

That name's as phony as Madonna's limey accent.

Probably.

But it started me thinking about money, so I checked it out.

Your husband had a $100 ,000 life insurance policy.

He recently changed the beneficiary to Red Smith Auto Body Shop.

I'd never heard of it. Paul would have.

Garages and bars are the mob's favorite fronts for laundering money.

If Paul owed big, he could have signed over the equity and the insurance at the

sign of good faith.

Unless... Whomever he owed the money to wanted more than the equity.

Accidental deaths would pay full face value of the policy.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Moss.

Don't be.

Tasha, listen, I know you just think that I'm a girl who likes to goof off

shop and fool around all the time. And?

Well, okay, maybe you're right about that. But I do have street smarts. And

remember when I told you that you could be the target? You thought about that

for a second.

What makes you think so?

Well, you haven't pulled the trigger yet.

It's because I lost my target.

Give me the CIA phone.

All right, all right, hold it a second.

What do you guys want?

McNeil. Where do we find him?

You talk to us or to the cops?

Take your choice.

All right, hold on a second.

Let's go!

Guess I need a little more time.

you guys want?

Paul Moss.

Start talking.

Moss was down a hundred large.

McNeil wanted to stuff him in a wood chipper.

Even threaten the wife.

But Moss saved his butt with the insurance idea.

You help McNeil file the claim early?

No.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, McNeil was all set to stamp him, but I swear he never got the chance.

Act of God took care of the whole thing.

Get these clowns out of here.

Jay, it's me.

Another dead end.

Listen, I'm not so sure McNeil dropped the match.

I'm not surprised.

You're not?

Not completely.

Remember that phony credit card user, Egon Luchnik?

He charged them both building supplies about seven hours ago.

I'm down at the Redondo dry docks checking it out.

I'll call you back in a little while and fill you in, okay?

Wait a minute, Jen.

You scrape barnacles like a pro, Mr.

Muchnick.

Or should I say, Mr. Moss.

Did you fake your own death so you could just gamble with a clean slate?

Who are you?

McNeil send you?

No. You don't have to worry about that.

I'm just someone who got nosy.

Because I felt bad enough for your wife to find out what really happened to you.

Now I'm sorry I know.

How did you find me?

The real question is, how long did you plan on staying hidden with a name like

Egon Mucinick?

I'm not very good at this.

I guess you told Clara, huh?

No. I think you should do that yourself.

How could you?

Hey, they were going to hurt her if I didn't come up with their money.

The insurance fixed all of that.

I think she'd like to know.

Yeah, you're probably right, but I'm not going to make a co -conspirator out of

her. And the truth is, I'm worth a lot more dead than I am alive.

I couldn't agree more.

You know, you weren't very hard to follow.

Driving the speed limit, stopping for pedestrians.

Oh, you must have an enviable driving record.

I do,

yeah, thanks.

thing i've said made an impression on you now you gotta let me handle this

oh oh

oh oh

oh

my

god i'm so glad you're alive because i really suck

What do you want? You're going to shoot me too and stuff me for your fortress of

solitude? I didn't shoot him.

I didn't feel that.

Feel what?

Fine. You didn't shoot him.

Here.

Come on, buddy. I've got to get you out of here.

We'll put your gun. Here. Take your gun.

Come on. Thanks, James. Keep up. Come on.

David, I'm sorry about your massager.

I convinced you that Sanders wasn't a bad guy.

About five seconds after you ran out to draw fire.

What you said about the phone being heavy? I checked it out.

It's filled with plastique.

Rigged to go off the second you turn it on.

Wick wanted me dead, too.

See? My spidey sense was right. They wanted both you guys.

Tasha.

Excellent work.

I knew you were the only one who could get close to Sanders.

You.

Pick him up.

Oh, no, not again.

Give me the gun.

All right, come to mama.

Let's go.

She said she'd wait here, right?

Kay was here.

Well, she's not here now.

They got Kay.

She's trying to leave us a message.

They just got a Napstar GPS beacon installed in their palm top. Come on, we

track them.

Hey, Moss.

How much you want to bet you won't be showing up alive again?

What about you?

What's your story there, honey lips?

My friends and I were setting up security around his bit crypt when I

something not quite kosher.

Let me get this straight.

You stuck your neck out for a total stranger?

I was trying to do the right thing.

That's so incredibly stupid.

I'd do it all over just to see your expression again.

What expression?

This expression.

blow something up.

Talk to a professional.

Hey, you definitely got the job.

Hey, you are Ricky Martin cool.

Hey, thank you all a whole lot, but, you know... But what?

You were dead twice and we saved your hide both times.

That's right.

McNeil's not gonna haunt you anymore. Hey, I'm not ungrateful.

It's just that the insurance company's gonna want their money back, which means

the mob sends another McNeil, I'm right back where I started.

Not necessarily.

Do you know how to work a gun?

No.

Well, you're going to learn right now, buddy.

Didn't somebody say something about a bounty on McNeil's head?

$70 ,000.

Okay.

Don't even try to make me go to the ladies' room now.

Nicky!

It's okay. It's okay.

All right.

Hold it.

Rotate him 30 degrees.

He's not a couch. And this isn't... Feng Shui, okay?

He's matching the trajectories to make it look like Sanders and I killed each

other. Bravo.

You're as good as I remember.

Why don't you just call in the cleaners from the agency?

Disappear us for good.

This was a private venture.

The agency didn't see the threat you all posed as clearly as I did.

Fingerprints, right?

Straight from your files, reversed under flexible gelatin.

Just so you know, you were always a good soldier.

here is the phone you gave pasha and it's set for auto answer so you drop

gun or the next ring is gonna blow you to that big agency in the sky i don't

mean william warren what are you talking about val it really is set on auto

answer you

know

what they say about good soldiers

They have small units?

I don't know if I should be here.

Do you want to go back to being Egon Lichnick's barnacle scraper?

Hey, I deserve what happened to me.

But Claire, she deserves so much more.

Hey, you're getting way ahead of yourself.

She hasn't taken you back yet.

Well, how can I start making it up to her?

Maybe you start just by being here.

Yeah.

Bodyguarding a dead guy.

That sounds really rough.

So, like, what were you two doing that was so rustic?

Sharing a mud bath, the two bunch?

You know, a little of this, a little of that.

You have a son to piss me off.

Mickey, it's a secret, okay?

Stay there.

Excuse me.

What's this about a secret?

What, you guys haven't figured out where they were yet?

I did find a clue in Val's bag.

All right.

I'll tell you what happened. Val.

We were on this really long nature walk. Just the girls. You know, just doing

girl things, bonding.

Right? Had to be really best buds to do something like that.

Yeah.

I can't hear you.

Yeah, best buds.

Forever.

Forever.

Pinky swear?

Pinky swear.

Oh, pinky swear.

I feel the love, though. I feel the love.

Pinky swear. Out.

That's sweet. Pinky swear.

Out for another VIP biography.

K. Eugenia Simmons, born 1975, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Specialties, computers, software programming, phone, data analysis,

research, gene reading, filing.

I mean, the whole agency would shut down if it wasn't for me. Obviously, you

have two issues, Kay. I'm connected to the web. I can go anywhere. Kay just got

a Napstar GPS beacon installed in her palm top. Kay, she's the brainy one.

of like this encyclopedia of everything.

I'm just someone who got nosy. I believe that everyone else in the agency relies

on weapons.

I use my mental weapon, my brain. I'm a pretty good bodyguard, too. I mean, when

I have to be. You know, you weren't very hard to follow.

driving the speed limit, stopping, or pedestrians.

We all relied on her to sort of get us out of tight spots.

Do you know how to work a gun?

No.

Well, you're going to learn right now, buddy.

And if you ever really need somebody or something, or you need to find out

something, Kay is your girl. I solve many of the capers. We believe that

more to your husband's death than meets the eye.

I feel like I make my own actions.

Tasha, wait for me!

I'm efficient, and I'm...

I'm smart, and I'm eager, and I'm just a secretary.

And I'm just a helpless little black and white puppy.

I'm just me.