Original subtitles

Sick people on a deserted island.

Two million dollars in cash.

A mad dash to the finish. Do you have what it takes?

Can you survive the odds?

And your fellow contestants?

Will you come out alive?

Yes, Jake.

Danger Island.

An FTS production.

Tuesdays at 8 this fall on your local station.

I don't know, Val.

Our best friend's sister's plumber knows a guy at the network, and he said it is

pretty gnarly.

Gnarly? Where? Not here?

I love this new remodeling job.

Talking about Danger Island.

You know when they drop you off in a jungle, it's really remote and you have

survive, and blah, blah, blah. You can run to me and back.

Yeah, so?

So, I wrote in a couple weeks ago, and they haven't even called me back.

I wonder if those dudes even read their mail.

Well, wonder no more.

Danger Island? Open it, open it, open it, open it.

I can't, I can't. Tasha will be really pissed.

Why? Because she thinks some loony's going to wire a package so the deadly

haunted virus is going to come out and squirt me as if anyone's going to try

that again.

Tennessee!

Dear Miss Irons, we are delighted to inform you that you and five of the

contestants have been selected to appear as contestants on Danger Island.

I'm in, I'm in, I'm in.

We're going to be rich, we're going to be rich.

Wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no, wait a second.

Don't you have to survive first before you get the money?

Oh, that's easy. These reality shows are totally fake.

Nuh -uh. Not America's Wildest Police Videos.

Oh, yeah, that is the worst one. It's full of actors. It's completely fake.

up.

It's TV. How dangerous could it be?

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Plucked from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

get it. One minute foul the contestant, the next we're getting hired.

Yeah, go figure.

Help! Somebody help me!

It's all sure up.

Don't go all to pieces now, Mr. Groom.

Hey, come on, guys. I'm concerned. I am deeply concerned, but look, it says

animal attacks can happen right here in the contestant release form navigation.

Thank you, Alexa.

You're saying the guy was mauled by an animal.

Maybe. You saw the tape. Sounds more like he got his guts yanked through a

haul. And you didn't break much of a sweat looking for the body.

All right, guys, look.

I'm a businessman, and I hate to admit this, but losing that poor sap in the

pilot episode's not the worst thing that could happen.

Tell it to the stiff.

Come on, you guys. You think that the producer of the 6 o 'clock news gets

out of shape every time a light plane crashes into an old age home?

Not on your life.

We all feed the ratings beast.

Fine. Sounds like you don't need us.

No, wait. Hold on, guys. Just a second here.

Just, uh, look.

We got an order for 22 episodes on air.

Guaranteed.

I don't want to lose it, all right?

Now, the network needs to know that they have the best protection available on

that island.

I don't want to have anyone else die.

Okay.

Here's how it goes.

VIP goes as part of your crew.

No cover, no deal.

Done.

In fact, the island's already pre -rigged with cameras, so, you know,

send a couple guys with some digicams and produce here.

Well, meet your new crew.

That ought to do it.

Ready for a test run?

Fire it up.

I call it Valcam.

It'll monitor your progress on the island.

You know, Jeff's room is totally impressed with you.

Why? Is he hooked up to one of these things, too? No.

But he's convinced that you applied to become a contestant because you knew

he would need your help sooner or later.

That's why he hired us.

It says so right here on the cover letter to our contract.

Valerie Irons clearly has demonstrated to our network a bodyguard's instinct,

proving he is on top of her game.

Woo -hoo.

Jamie? Just the operative work.

Doctor, check this out.

Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the maxi pad.

What did you say? I said somebody needs a maxi pad.

So they're only expecting a two -person crew?

That's going to be tight.

Nicky and Quick will check in from the island if there's any problems.

Nicky and Quick? That means you're not going?

Those two can handle the problem.

Oh, well, there'll be no problem because Mr. Dead Guy probably ate a couple of

those yucky crab apples and rolled down a cliff and fell into a thorn bush or

something.

Not that problem.

Me?

I am not some ditzy blonde who can't keep it together to keep a low profile.

I can do that.

Welcome in, bienvenue, and hey there. No, don't worry, we held the plane. I'm

fine. These things are supposed to be waterproof, but I guess you're just not

falling asleep in the jacuzzi gate, you're arm -caught in the leaf -catcher.

Hmm. You are?

Danny Marks, director of this little opus.

Come over here, say hi to the gang.

Rod, Kath, Lydia, I'd like you to meet Val Irons, your fellow contestant.

Aloha.

It is a real thrill to meet you.

Oh, call me Val.

I know we're all up to the two million, but there's no reason we can't be buds.

That over there is Jack Grover, a very serious contender. And that is Ava

Not I, Danny, or I'll vape you.

Nice hearing.

What is that I hear? It must be the popping of champagne corks. That can

mean one thing, people. All aboard for Danger Island. All right.

Party.

Hey, guys.

Okay, you crew type people. Could you put my little bag right there in the

overhead compartment?

Is that good?

Hello, everybody.

Guess what I just found?

If you never want to be somebody, you're going to still find it bound for bound.

There's going to be a big star if they can get the chance.

But it takes more than talent in the...

Ah, take your time.

Okay, people, let's recap the rule.

From here on out, you'll proceed by raft and then on foot.

If you get hungry, rats and grubs are fair game.

You will have a compass and a snake bite kit. No weapons.

In two days, we'll meet the rescue plane on the west side of the jungle. All you

need to do is get there.

Oh, question, question.

Yes, Ms. Irons.

What if we all get to the finish line at the same time?

Then you split the pot.

Cool. You mean you're not going to try and beat us?

Well, think about it. One -sixth of two million dollars is a lot of product.

You're such a doll.

And what if only I'm getting there first?

Then the two million is all yours, sweetheart.

All right, people. Let's move it out. Lock and load. Let's go.

Thank you.

He learned to rough it.

Bloomingdale? No. It was actually at Camp Kikiwachi on the French side of

Saskatchewan. They taught me how to make a great facial mask out of fungal.

Hi.

Hi, girls.

All right, campers. Let's take five cooler cookies that we're going to push

until we lose the light.

Pass on the break.

I'll see you at the finish line with the money.

You're going to go into the jungle by yourself?

By himself? No. I will be ahead of him.

Hey, I'm going to track after them, get some action stuff.

No, no, no, no. Excuse me. You got plenty of shoot right here, pal. Get on

No, wait. You guys are going to miss all the fun. I got s'mores. We're going to

do like a little sing -along thing. And I'll hang out in our jammies.

I sleep nude.

See you at the finish line, fry line.

Eat my dust.

Pair of poopers.

Hey, hey. A little less on the chicks, a little more on me. I'm the host of this

thing. And you, spunky one, get out of my camp chair right now.

Come on, let's go.

Hmm.

Major Rock.

Tie it off.

So cool, man.

Done.

All yours, Mr. Marks. About time.

Sweet dream.

Hey, you didn't short -sheet his bed, did you?

Now, how lame would that be?

Snake! Snake in my bed!

Oh, you know what? I saw Ginger do this on Gilligan's Island.

That smart cookie always had a red hand.

Oh, see?

And somebody thought I couldn't rough it. Val, you are the best.

Hey, you want to have that PJ party tonight?

Yeah, Val. Why don't you come in a bunk with us?

There's only one sleeping bag.

I'll have to pass.

Okay, then.

Hey, Val.

I'm thinking of inviting the lovely ladies on a moonlight stroll.

Could I have some of your bubbly?

You're going to need a lot of it.

kill you.

Is that little pig's ticker?

Someone's been naughty.

No weapons allowed.

I really should report you.

Hey, what about that pop gun?

All right, you got me.

Smoking peace pipe?

What do you say we lay him face up?

There's two people in this jungle who's got a shot at that Bob DeNiro.

And one of them's me.

And one of them is not.

Exactly.

Still, there's no reason we can't have a civilized meal together.

Want to hunt something down and kill it with me?

I'll wait here.

I saved my energy to whop your American butt.

You need it.

Stop with the games, yeah?

Nothing like a good night's sleep to work up an appetite.

Quick, huh?

Val, you must have nerves of steel. How could you sleep with all those screws?

You think Danny's right, Val? It was just a monkey.

I hope so. I want to see one of those little guys.

I love monkeys. They always look so surprised.

Ooh, someone needs a lemon zinger.

Does a monkey keep you up, too?

Excuse me, big fan.

I just want an autograph.

That was no monkey.

Anyone heard from Ava?

What, you think Ava was screaming?

You think she saw the monkey?

You think she tried to pet it and it bit her?

You know, they hate it when strangers try touching them.

And they also hate it when they put them in little outfits and they strap them

to an organ.

And who can blame them?

Look, quick scoping out the jungle for her trail.

Meantime, we better all stick together.

And Val, keep your bra on.

It's great stuff. Look at that. My God, what happened to her?

Oh, that is exactly what the audience is going to say. This is appointment

television. Oh, look at that.

Grover. Danny -o, my main man. How's it hanging, bro? Oh, you know, man, we're

just rocking and rolling. We actually got some excellent stuff for you. But

listen, Jeff, Grover and that Octung babe took off on their own yesterday,

we've sort of lost contact.

Sort of lost contact.

Well, I haven't.

I think she's found herself some trouble.

What? What kind of trouble? What do you mean?

Hell, like I should know. You're the one who wanted island duty.

Don't you remember begging me? Come on, Jeff, please, please. It's going to be

50 share. I bet my career on it.

Look, you got your wish, buddy, so just push on with the rest.

Bye.

You see something you like, Sugarloaf?

Sorry, it's just, uh... Boy, you look kind of pasty. Huh.

Well, here's a thought. Butt out.

Ever try to pin a greased weasel?

So you couldn't get it out of him?

I'm telling you, Tosh, something's going down.

And our buddy Jeff Groom has got himself a skybox seat.

But why wouldn't Groom tell us?

This whole thing's starting to smell.

Not to worry too much.

Val's doing just fine.

She doesn't seem in the least bit stressed.

Why am I not surprised?

You and Nicky keep a heads up. I'm off to Tinseltown.

All right. Later.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. This is exactly how it started on Planet of the Apes.

Hey, you guys.

Hi.

Val.

We were just going to dry this off for you because it's wet.

Wet? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, so you can snag all the prize money for yourself.

So much for sisterhood.

And to think I share my special peppermint ginseng blend with traitors.

Candy yodeling.

Did you see something or what?

There. There's no dog food, man.

Something like... Oh, my God.

An ear.

An ear?

That's... That's Ava.

Oh, my God.

They're dead, man.

Both of them. Something totally thrashed them, man. Listen to me. I think we

need to calm down. Now, there's obviously some sort of animal on the

there is no need to panic.

Oh, come on, man. Get us out of here. Call the freaking plane. It's over, man.

We're in the middle of a jungle, man. Planes can't land in trees.

What are we supposed to do, to stay here and get munched?

Val, you're a professional bodyguard. Why don't you tell us what to do?

Okay.

Yeah, you're right. Okay.

All we need to do is get the lotion benders.

Motion sensors and put them all around the perimeter and that'll be good.

Oh, well, that's a swell idea, honey. If we had motion sensors.

What great cameraman leaves home without motion sensors, huh?

Sensors are us. Got them right here.

And then we have the money shot. Good news. Oh, beautiful.

Tasha Dexter is waiting for the VIP.

Why is that good news?

They can take over now. I mean, we have two contestants missing and... You are

going to tell her.

What? What? Everything here is going just... swimmingly. Okay, you're losing

now. Okay, you... You hired VIP to protect those people.

I hired VIP to protect my highly paid ass.

Come on.

VIP is nothing more than a...

gold -plated pacifier to hold this baby together till I get it on the air and

the ratings go through the roof.

Alexa, pour Miss Dexter some of the Deloge Cabernet.

It's the best.

Sent the case to Danny for the wrap party.

Really? Was that before or after those two contestants disappeared?

What about my wine?

You don't play well with others.

The truth is, Jack and Ava took a wrong turn somewhere, that's all.

I mean, what's the big deal, really? It's just an island. How far can they

huh?

What happened to them?

How should I know?

You've seen the tape.

Now, how are we going to do our job if you keep hiding these little secrets

us?

I want that tape.

You know...

You have this little Cindy Crawford, Julia Roberts thing happening, which is

just driving me wild. You know that?

You ever think about changing career, you know, maybe in the direction of

television?

You're just trying to get me mad.

No, I'm not. I mean it. Think about it again.

Grimm.

Danny -o, how are you, my man? We were just talking.

Really?

Both of them?

No, no, hey, you know what? Just, uh, you hang in there, and we will get back

you as soon as we can, okay?

A little technical problem, nothing I can't handle.

Where were we?

Career change, right?

I'm thinking, you know, TV first, and then we can get you into some film.

Oh! Can you hear me?

Just nod.

Good. Now, let's talk about those tapes.

Here you go.

Anything tries to get past here, there'll be enough noise to wake the

Or the undead. What if it's some restless spirit of some danger island

and we're trespassing on some ancient sacred burial ground and they're like,

away, you television people.

And if we don't do what they say, they're going to come after us and suck

eyeballs out of our sockets.

I'm just trying to help.

Northern perimeter.

Man, what kind of creature is this hopefully one that bleeds?

Quick Williams VIP you come out of this alive. We'll have a little talk about

how you treat the help 25 feet 15

10 closing everybody down

So I... God damn it.

Well, this is just great.

You guys scare us half to death, and it's obvious your motion sensors don't

work. There is no way that Jack could have tripped all of these.

What was that?

Where's Rod?

He was right beside me.

with marbles.

This is not the work of a monkey.

His pupil's the size of poppy seeds.

It's like his brain's been fried.

Jack, it's going to be okay.

I'm not going to let anything happen to you.

Scouts honor.

We're hiking back to the Hummer now.

If we can make it back up the mountain, maybe this thing won't follow us up

there. Well, we're almost to the finish line.

As in rescue plane?

You guys, what about sisterhood?

Just stay.

I'm sorry, Belle. We can't. But for what it's worth, we're really sorry we

jacked you, Belle.

You losers coming or what?

Stay here.

We'll figure this thing out.

You go out there alone and you're gobblers on turkey day.

I'll take my shot at it.

Danny!

They don't stand a chance.

Try and make it back in one piece.

Hey, can you patch us back up quick once we get inside the chopper?

All right.

Hey, any chance we win that two mil?

Sure. We're the only ones left alive.

Hey, Jungle Jim, over here.

That's the bad news.

The good news is, it's human.

He's making trouble.

You shot him, Nick, but he kept on going.

You sure you hit him?

Three times in the chest, thank you.

Dude had on some kind of invisibility getup.

Cameras on the back, the whole front is some kind of screen.

He blends right in with the scene.

We don't have to see him.

We'll hear him.

If he trips those babies or even comes close, booyah, monster nuggets.

Tell him, Taj, that spider group was badder than crazy.

Any ideas?

Could be from a sticky gun.

Or could it be from a superweb strong enough to neutralize a dozen armed men?

And Jungle Jim was probably wearing a stealth suit.

The army had it in development.

And I suppose you can tell me what took out the sensors.

EMP.

Electromagnetic pulse gun.

Has he used a laser dazzler yet?

Let me guess.

Leaves a funny sunburn.

From the inside out.

Fries your brain through the optic nerve.

Listen, none of those gizmos exist if you leave in the joint.

Tasha, what do you know?

What is it?

Tasha?

Tasha?

Tasha?

Sorry about the stinkiness, guys, but I got these at the 99 cent store.

It was, um, 12 bucks for all five of them.

What is going to happen to us?

Don't worry about it.

We just have to stay cool.

Remember every scary movie that you've seen? That the good guys always know

some icky monster is chasing them, but they just got to keep it together. They

got to come up with a plan, like in, um, The Predator.

What happened in The Predator?

They all died.

Bad movie.

Hey, packed in yet?

Tick tock.

Okay, I got it.

I've got a whole list for you. From Andover to Zupac.

Zupac, New Mexico?

Yes. That was an old army testing ground.

That's the time when Bertie and I did a movie there.

Check it, Kay.

Dude, seems like a whole platoon was listed as MIA.

I'm passing this through to you.

EMT, 50 -gun, laser dazzler, cross -reference 2.

Okay, you are not going to believe this. The FTS show head -to -head did a

report on an Army weapons designer who claimed that the military tested his

prototype prematurely. Let me guess, on their own men.

Aha, got it.

Major Ving Talbot.

Talbot also contends that the government has sold his stealth designs to third

world countries while continuing to deny their existence.

This report makes him look like a major wacko. This next day, does it say what

happened to this Talbot guy?

The late Major Talbot flew his plane directly into the ocean.

Right near Danger Island.

Looks like he's back from the dead.

And he wants revenge.

You heard it?

Weather report could be raining chunks.

Stay cool, everybody. We got company.

About there.

You don't have to tell me twice.

You guys, come on.

A freak could be rigged to blow.

Hey! Looks like we got ourselves a little standoff.

What are you gonna do? Try and pull the trigger before I do?

How about I take you on without guns?

You wanna try me?

There's an interesting proposal.

I'd rather shoot him.

Go ahead.

Snap!

Everybody down. Everybody down.

Welcome

to

my little game show.

It's called Who Wants to Die?

Not a Millionaire.

Come on down.

You can shoot him now if you want. I was gonna.

Here's how we play. I leave your bodies lying around.

Horribly mutilated, of course.

Along with these cute little army weapons.

Embarrassing for the military, wouldn't you say?

They take the heat, the network goes belly up, and I get the keys to a brand

car!

tempted to let you live.

Finally, have someone to show the world we've had a successful test of being

Talbot's weapons.

Nah, I think I'll stick to revenge.

It's so close I can feel it.

Closer than you think. Well?

Way to go, Val.

Careful,

Val. We still needed to start on the trip wire.

Yeah, everyone stay back for a minute.

You ain't done yet. Get down.

Everybody down.

Come on, let's draw a spy.

It's quiet, isn't it?

The stars came out now.

There you go, lady.

Thanks, darling. I really miss Civilization. Hey, Civilization missed

You call Hollywood civilized? With skeezoids like Jeff Groom running

Well, at least he got fired.

Oh, yeah, and he cried.

All the way to his new job.

It does, like... Take out Chinese?

Navigate the last parking spot?

Traffic? No.

Civilization is whack.

Sucks. The jungle is beautiful. I mean, it's the most amazing vacation spot.

If, you know, you don't have some psycho running around.

We should go camping sometime.

Earth Pashina, you are not cut out for it.

I am not cut out for it. And after what happened, you will be having nightmares

for a week. Oh, I am so over that.

Liar. I'm not going to have nightmares. What's going to give me nightmares?

What

was

that? Nothing. No, no, nothing. I just need a lot more civilization.

You need to put that down.

Give me that. Give it to me. Get that.

This episode of VIP featured music by Faith Barrett.

Well, you know, the women of VIP, they can be a piece of work.

Candy yodeling.

Check it, Kay.

Okay, I got it.

Gotta love the ladies.

That ought to do it.

I call it the vowel camp. I really admire them. A lot of times I have to

big brother.

Vowel is a natural.

Believe that. I am not some ditzy blonde who can't keep it together to keep a

low profile.

Honestly, I think that girl's trouble.

But I get a kick out of Val poking fun at Tasha. Somebody woke up on the wrong

side of the maxi pad.

I love Tasha to death. I mean, I know she's KGB, CIA.

I mean, this woman thinks that she has more to me.

All men should be afraid of me.

Can you hear me? Just nod.

Nikki Franco.

She's a little bit of a firecracker.

She trips those babies or even comes close.

Booyah.

As long as nobody's getting hurt, I mean, whatever.

Kay Simmons, because she's a computer genius. And if you ever really need to

find out something, Kay is your girl. I'm passing it through to you.

Her fingers.

Wildfire. These are my girls. I've got to protect them. What did you say? I

that any one of those ladies would watch my back as well as I have theirs.