Original subtitles

You gotta be kidding me.

Captain Kirk all the way.

Nobody likes Picard better.

What are you calling me, nobody?

Hey, I actually pay you guys to protect me?

I'm gonna go lie down.

There's some pursuit in the kitchen.

Help yourselves.

Hey, I could eat.

See?

Some music in there.

I don't blame y

'all

Let the tongue -rockin' body of sin.

Why don't you face me?

The old man's made out of Kevlar.

Oh, my God.

Kevlar's what bulletproof vests are made of, Val.

Well, stop talking Italian so much. You're going to give me a heart attack.

Val, you came to see me. Of course I came to see you.

I brought you flowers, and I brought you some cannoli from Bloomingdale's. Hey,

I love this kid.

Nicoletta. Come here.

Give your grandfather a hug.

Who did this to you?

Ever since Anthony Scornivaco passed away, the Scornivacos have been trying

muscle in on us. I thought I had the problem solved, but... Let me be alone

my granddaughter, please. Valerie, excuse us. Oh, of course, of course. I

want to let you know, the cannoli goes in the microwave for 15 seconds.

Sit. Easy, Grandpa.

Nikki, I need someone to take over for me.

Don't talk like that, Grandpa.

Hey, don't bury me yet. Just until I recover.

Kabish.

Kabish.

These are critical times.

There's a lot going on with our trucking business.

There's stuff I can't talk about right now.

Can't Uncle Vincent handle it?

Nicoletta, I want you to take over the family.

I was just a girl working at a hot dog stand when a movie star asked me out on

date. I happened to save his life, and so in order to save his life, he told

everybody that I'm a professional bodyguard.

Which, of course, I am not, trust me. So then I was asked to be a figurehead at

a bodyguard agency, and they said I'd never have to use any weapon or be in

danger. And I always am.

Can you believe that the Don wants our Nikki to run the entire family business?

Not like she'd be running the family flower shop.

No, she's right.

It's a big responsibility.

One I've tried to duck my whole life.

Can't you just say no?

Too much stuff going on. Something with the trucking business.

I can't let the old man down.

God, what I wouldn't give just to be thrown into a world I know nothing about

and just start barking orders at everybody.

Well, that is your world.

Okay, fine.

Well, look what it did for me.

Whatever you decide, Nick.

We got your back, all right?

Just trying to get sucked in too deep.

All that power can be very attractive.

Don't worry about it.

I'll make sure that she doesn't get sucked into the dark side.

Why not use this opportunity to help your grandfather go legit like Michael

Corleone did in The Godfather?

Michael never actually went legit.

Well, he tried.

Maybe you could find out who shot the dog.

That I wouldn't mind.

See?

Bellissima nota.

Maybe you should make me a consigliere.

Done. Really?

Really.

Now, any advice on how to shake the turd tailing us?

It's only my first day.

So rude.

I hate tailhooks.

I may have told you that you're taking over the driver's seat, but I'm going to

let you know how things really are.

Let me guess. You're the alpha pooch? You got that right.

You're my niece, and I got nothing against you, but I wouldn't mind you

a dress every now and then.

Well, you're not the only one.

Every minute we take not to fight back for what they did to Pop, we look

And this ain't your beef.

The Don told me to keep the peace, and that's what I'm going to do.

No disrespect to the Don, but he's getting old. He's losing his circulars.

You know what's old?

You dissing your own father.

Now let me tell you who's in charge.

Me. Any questions?

Yeah, and don't blame Nikki because you're not the capo to Tutti Frutti. And

it's not her fault you can't get that whole monster truck thing together.

Look, all I want to do is get to the bottom of this.

Remember that, Nikki.

Yeah, well, go choke on a meatball.

Who the hell are you?

Tony Scornivaco, Jr.

Now hand over the key. I don't care if you're Tony freaking Soprano. You know

who owns this van?

The Franco van. No, correction. We own it now. Tony, we were just going to send

them a message, not steal their truck.

My little brother.

He can play Hanson's greatest hits on his guitar, but he don't know jack about

the business.

Now that's a message.

All the great Italian -Americans had problems when they started out.

Versace. Armani.

Dolce & Gabbana. No offense, but you just can't come in here up the street

expect to know the ABCs of the bits.

Well, give the girl a break. She's only been pizzeria numero uno for like 24

hours. Look, the Don's on the mend. So until he gets back, if you respect him,

you respect me.

Good.

So what are your big plans when they come after us?

Well, that's a different story.

But I don't know if you guys are up for the task.

Oh, you don't like the way we operate?

You guys look pretty pathetic in that alley.

That's right, people.

We need to get organized.

The three major areas we will be focusing on are... Skills, health, and

importantly, style.

You guys are living so far in the past.

That's right. We need a 21st century makeover.

And we need it now.

Hey, mate.

You tell me where you're going. I'll get you.

Come on. Huh?

Huh?

Hey, come on. What's the matter? What am I doing?

Turn around, turn around.

Mutt. Work it, work it, work it.

Hi.

What is updating the menu?

Your arteries must be like sludge. What is it?

It's tofu tomato sauce.

Mommy always said a healthy gangster is a happy gangster. Well, actually, she's

a little girl, but, you know, we can substitute.

That's not bad.

Mm -hmm.

Want a sign for this, sir?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, boss, you better come take a look at this.

It's dirt.

It's a message from the Scornivacos.

What, that they're too cheap to send flowers?

It means they're moving in on our turf.

Now we know for sure who put out the hit on Pop. It's retaliation time.

The Scornivaco's a holdup at the beach.

The beach? I thought you guys were like vampires.

Mrs. Scornivaco has an asthma problem or something.

The sea air is good for her health.

May she shrivel up like a piece of seaweed.

Pauly, get the car.

I can't.

We've got to move now. If we don't, they're going to march right in and pick

the pieces.

If we don't move now, we will be in pieces. You hear that?

What?

What the... This is how they send messages in the 21st century.

Mamma mia.

I'll take care of this.

Excuse me.

We're here to see Mr.

Scornivaco. Unavailable.

Well, do you know how long he'll be gone?

Indefinitely. You ever get hot in that suit?

No. We want to see Tony Jr.

now.

Sorry. Do you always answer with one word?

Sometimes two.

Answer this.

Is that Nicky Franco?

Hey, Mrs.

Cornavaco. How's your grandfather?

Oh, he's made of Kevlar.

Good. Oh, I haven't seen you since you used to come to our house for

Thanksgiving dinner when you were a little girl.

Am I missing something?

It was a long time ago.

This is my friend Val. Valerie Irons. Condoleezza Valerie.

If you need any advice.

Fashion. You're a widow. Maybe you need tips on dating men.

Thank you. Actually, if you're single, I have the perfect guy for you.

Belle, you're embarrassing her.

There's nothing embarrassing about love.

Have you ever met Nicky's Uncle Vincent?

Sure, we went to St. Teresa's together.

There's a history there.

But it would take a very special someone to replace my Anthony.

Well, well, look who it is.

You make one more move on my grandfather and you're roadkill.

It's good to see you too, Nikki.

I thought you stayed out of family affairs.

Well, I wouldn't be here if you didn't try and whack my grandfather.

We had nothing to do with that. Mark, if I want something out of you, I'll

squeeze your head, okay?

So you're saying you had nothing to do with that blastogram.

Tony, what's going on?

Ma, this is just business, okay? That's all.

That's all it is, sweetie. Just business.

You're ready to earn your MBA.

We're not going swimming?

I brought my bathing suit.

Okay, weren't we supposed to meet with Regis Sylvan today?

We were, but I feared our scheduling keeps the need to help me.

Is that your final answer?

Yes.

Are you confident?

Not anymore.

Good. We still have a business to run.

Quick, what's the status on those wiretaps?

All my contact had to flee the country.

Speaking of nicknames.

Anyone hear from her lately?

Not a peep.

She's too busy playing Don.

Let's stay on task, people.

Katie, do you have that CIA file I need?

No, but I did find that the Don was spotted on Mafia .com's celebrity

page. He was last seen on Thursday in front of the West Side Pavilion talking

Francis Palmieri, one of his biggest trucking competitors.

Kay, we live in L .A. People claim to see celebrities every day.

But if it's true, the Don's been holding out on Nikki.

All right, all right. My guns are burning. Who's talking about me?

Hey, Nick.

We didn't expect to see you here today.

Who's Val?

Took the guys to a field trip to the Beverly Center.

I just stopped by to get some ammo.

Aha! The Don did meet with Palmieri.

I was able to access the online files of an ATN camera directly across the

street from the Westside Pavilion, and there they are.

The guy's barely alive and you're digging up dirt on him?

We're not digging up anything.

We just don't think the Don is telling you everything.

I thought you guys were my friends.

Instead you're trying to turn me against my own grandfather?

Hey, we are your friends.

We're just trying to help you figure out who did this to the Don.

That's what this is for.

Yeah, well, don't expect any help from us if you're going to handle it that

Who's asking for your help?

Already, Tuesday, you have a meeting with the teacher at 10.

And then you break someone's legs at 2, if they don't pay you $5 ,000.

We should cancel that one because you'll never make it in time.

There's plenty of time.

Not if I have to change between meetings.

So, is spending Thanksgiving with your enemy an Italian thing?

If you're talking about Mrs. S., my grandfather and Tony Sr.

came up together.

They had a falling out.

Creative differences?

Ego. My grandfather became the Don, the late Tony Scuonivaco didn't.

He couldn't see himself taking orders from my grandfather, so he started his

crew. I think I'm starting to understand Tasha.

Can I come in?

Yes, you can.

You know, you really impressed the guys back there.

If it wasn't for you, we'd all be eating shrapnel for breakfast.

Here.

You're the Don now.

I can't.

Yes, you can.

That belongs to my grandfather.

Who do you think I got it from?

You have time to see a few people?

Not just like that.

Donna Franco, congratulations on your new appointment.

Her dawn thanks you.

Now, what can we do for you today?

It's for my neighbor.

He's always throwing these loud parties.

It's not just the weekends. It's Mondays and every other Thursday.

The noise is killing me.

Well, have you ever tried talking to him?

We had words.

I don't want to go into details with you ladies present, but he said some things

about my mother.

I was wondering if there was any way you could take care of the situation.

You couldn't ask my grandfather?

You worked for him for over ten years.

I used to work for him.

He don't own all city deliveries anymore.

Since when?

Since last week.

He sold off his stake.

I thought the old guy was dying, you know, selling off his assets. Then he

shot. Now I hear he's making a fast recovery. I didn't know who to ask. You

me to shut this party guy down permanently?

Whatever you see fit.

Hold on.

You want Nicky to waste this guy because he's having more fun than you are?

I had a don of every time I heard that one.

This guy is obviously doing something right. He has parties all the time. Just

get yourself invited. Get off your butt. Sounds like fun.

Next!

Why didn't you tell me the Don was selling us out?

Nikki, I didn't know, but I told you the old man was losing it.

And if this hump knows the Don is caving in, they're all going to smell our

weakness.

I thought you weren't going to help, Nikki.

Call me a sucker.

I said I wasn't going to play that mafia game, though. It's not my style. Oh,

and standing by the sidelines, eh?

Keep watching.

Hey, aren't you concerned that Nikki knows we sent that bomb?

Mark, you worry too much.

See, now they know that we are a force to be reckoned with, and so is he.

Well, we won't have to worry about her much longer.

It's time we sent her a message with a lasting impression.

We've got to warn Nikki.

Donnie, wait.

We need to talk.

I'm busy.

Hey, the Scorn of Aquas are planning another hit on you. You need protection.

People try and off me every week.

Awesome.

You're not going anywhere alone.

Then buckle up, Spider -Man.

You know the guys are just looking out for you.

And they told you about the Don, right?

Yeah.

I'm sure he has a good explanation for what's going on.

He better.

You all right?

Is that side man or not?

Hey, Grandpa.

You're going to get better real soon.

You better.

Because Val Coates is going to kill us all.

I can't do this alone.

I'm going to be outside if you need me, okay?

Thanks.

Everyone out. Time for Mr.

Franco's medication.

I, um, I thought his doctor had just given him his medicine.

Doctor?

Doctors don't know how to administer medication.

Besides, Mr. Franco's doctor isn't on for another two hours.

That's my doctor.

You sure you never saw that doctor before?

I keep telling you I was asleep.

What's going on?

I heard you sold your share of off -city delivery.

Everyone thinks you're going soft.

Vincent, Tony Jr., even my team thinks you're wigging.

And you?

I don't know what to think.

Trust your instincts.

Well, I'd feel a lot better if you'd just tell me what's going on.

That I cannot do.

But the time will come when you will know everything.

Maybe we should hide out in the old country until this whole thing blows

I hate to break it to you, Val, but there's no mall in Sicily.

Sicily? Who are we talking about Sicily? I was talking about my old country,

Canada. And they happen to have the largest underground mall in the world.

It's staying quick till we find out who did this.

What the hell's going on here?

These elves patted us down. They're bodyguards. We're bodyguards.

Well, she didn't hire you.

And for all they know, you could be after her.

You're not, are you?

Nikki, you're treating us like outsiders.

You want us on your side or not?

Did Kay find any prints on the handkerchief?

No. The only thing strange was the residue. But it turns out it was only

flow. The hanky must have shared a pocket with the owner's asthma

Asthma?

Mrs. Scornivaco?

She must have been the doc.

But why is she trying to snuff my grandfather?

Maybe she's pissed that the doll left Mrs.

Scornivaco behind.

As soon as we think they're out, they keep pulling us back in.

Knock, knock.

Nobody's home.

Yeah, well, I guess nobody will feel this.

Thanks.

It's okay.

What are you doing? What are you doing? Get out of here. Get him out of here.

Nikki, what are you doing here?

Candace Jr., I'm here for your mother. What is it, darling? What's he ever done

to you? Who?

My grandfather. And don't act dumb.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You took a hit out of him because he cut Tony Sr. off after he left the family.

Hey, I don't know anything about any hit. I swear on my dead husband.

And I bet you swear you weren't at the hospital yesterday either.

Ma, you at the hospital?

You dropped it.

You of all people, I thought you were different.

Look, we don't appreciate being used for target practice.

Target practice. Honey, I never even held a gun.

But you have.

You surprised to see me right now?

Done any drive -bys lately?

Hypothetically speaking, if I did, I'm sure it was just a warning.

Hypothetically speaking, if someone's mother wasn't here, I'd kick their butt

right now.

Look.

All right.

That still doesn't explain what you were doing at the hospital.

Listen. If you want the truth, you're going to have to ask your grandfather.

Nikki, Pop just got back from the hospital.

And, hey, we just got a new shipment of DVDs. You want? No, thanks.

I got the whole Disney collection.

I even got Pinocchio.

No. Uh, where's the Don?

He's in the back catching some race.

Tony Jr. called.

He wants to meet.

I don't know what you said to him, but he sounded like he saw a ghost.

I guess you showed him and a lot of other people that you are the Alpha.

Little Tony's ready to chat. Set it up.

You know, if they take the bait, we'll set the meter for the old oil spill.

Okay? It's nice and secluded there.

What are you doing?

Now, Nicky is never going to want to deal.

So when I give the signal, that's when we're going to...

I give you this signal, and you better be ready, okay?

If anything goes wrong, it's coming down on you again, do you understand me?

Hey, Nicoletta.

How's my little couple, Jean, huh?

You know, they keep trying to blow me up.

I knew you'd like working for the family.

Grandpa, I need those answers now.

What's going on with you and Mrs. F?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Honey, she's sporting the same line.

You told me to trust you.

Now it's time you trust me.

Hey, I do trust you.

But I told you there's certain things that you can't know.

At least stop lying to me.

You told me the trucking business was important to the family, and then you go

and sell our share.

It's not that simple.

Maybe I can get some answers from Tony Jr.

He's setting up a peace conference.

So he says.

You meet with him, you're going to be assassinated.

Just because he failed twice doesn't mean he's thrown in the towel.

I'm just going to have to find out on my own, aren't I?

Let me do the talking.

I'll make this brief.

You shut down, and all your warriors will disappear.

Dream on, gangster boy.

Then we have no choice than to go to the mattresses.

Glad you have a place to sleep.

Well, it's nice to see you brought your Girl Scouts along with you.

They're not Girl Scouts. They're my crew.

That's right. Now let's start talking about those, uh, Nobel Peace Prizes.

Okay, let's pop.

Mike, what are you doing here?

Okay, Rebecca.

You're supposed to be guarding the Don.

I thought Polly was taking him to the coffee shop.

Polly left for Vegas an hour ago.

Wait, wait, wait. Oh, she's leaving?

She left.

No one's talking to you, Fredo.

Fredo.

Nobody talks to me now.

Let's stay cool, everyone.

No, no, no. It's time for this punk to go. I knew this

was going to happen.

I

knew

I shouldn't have trusted you.

Nikki, what's she going to do? Kill me with her lipstick?

You never know.

It is your favorite shade.

I love those lips.

What are you guys, like an item or something?

Are we ever going to be alone?

I told you it was going to be difficult.

Somebody want to tell me what's going on here and make it quick?

Things aren't going too well back there.

Ever since my Anthony passed away, your grandfather and I have been having a

secret romance.

So what's with selling the trucking biz?

We wanted to get married, but that would mean a union between our two families.

The trucking was the only thing we had in common, the only business.

If I sell that off, Tony wouldn't be so threatened.

I mean, that was the theory, right? Mm -hmm.

So you had me hold down the fort until you worked everything out.

You got it, sweetheart.

No one move or the old man dies.

Mark!

I believe he's the good son.

You know what this reminds me of? This reminds me of that big standoff in

Reservoir Dogs.

And I don't want to spoil it for anybody, but it didn't end very pretty,

there probably won't be a sequel.

Val's right.

Just can't shoot each other. Look, we're here to make peace.

Why don't we all just relax?

And put the guns down.

Well, he started it.

You first.

So you first! You first!

She might have bought that toy, but not me.

I'm not going to take her away from you. You got that right.

You ruined my father!

I wasn't old enough to do anything, but this time it's going to be different.

I don't know what she sees.

My father was a good man.

He cared about people.

He cared about me.

He was a good man.

He was also a stubborn man.

No one forced him out of the family. He did that to himself.

Now, you're old enough to know that.

Regardless, I could never take the place of your father. You'll never get the

chance.

son and I never will be.

I may not have seen eye to eye with your father, but he know when to quit.

You can learn from that.

I'm getting tired of this job.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think he is.

Here you go, Grandpa.

Your ring.

Nicoletta.

You were selling your stake in the trucking business.

It took as a sign of weakness.

I just wanted to be sure the only business that we shared was your mother.

Mark!

He's okay.

I can live with that.

I mean, if my mother's happy.

I am happy.

More than I have been in a long time.

You know, this is a beautiful time of year for a wedding.

The unity, love, no more drive -by shooting.

You know, you're absolutely right, Valerie.

I know. That's why I'm confieri.

Silvana?

Would you marry me?

Oh, it's about freaking time.

Good job.

Be a feminine child.

Thanks, brother.

So, you missed a life?

No.

All those people trying to blow me up current my style.

Yeah? I thought you liked blowing things up.

Exactly. I like blowing things up.

No fun if someone else does it.

Anyone know where Val is?

This meeting was her idea, right?

Hi.

Sorry we're late.

Let me guess. You want us to be a professional counsel service.

No. I finally found something I'm good at, giving advice.

Dear Abby, it's your heart out. So we thought that I should become consigliere

for VIP.

And we have a few ideas for everybody.

Tasha, we could work on your anger management. You know, we could tell you

to channel it or when to cool it.

I don't think so.

Channel it.

Quick. I know you think you're very fashion conscious, but the Louis Vuitton

shoes, they're very 98.

See you.

But I like them.

Nikki.

Bonnie.

No, Johnny, my main man.

Well, I'll see you later.

Okay.