Original subtitles

Buck writes such a stud third baseman, and why is he playing for the Riverside

Rose?

Finishing up a two -year injury rehab.

He was a rising star in the bigs until he ran his SUV into a ditch.

He's got a bunch of major league teams buzzing around wanting to sign him back

up.

So his agent calls, and we're back in little league.

Come on, Nick. This is real work.

I'm like, somebody's trying to hurt this guy.

Yeah, or he's another paranoid super jock that thinks somebody's after him.

I can't believe how much baseball

guys fit.

They must have supersized fit glands or something.

Is it my imagination or do some of these guys not like Buck Bryce?

Teammates are just jealous because he's going to be on bubblegum cards.

So this charity event Friday, the Home Run Smackdown, is there going to be

anybody there we need to worry about?

Well, some of the biggest hitters from around the league, plus some team

Can't wait to show them my sweet swing.

That's right. Looking good. Sweet as ever.

I think what Nicky meant is, are there any potential threats we should be

worried about?

You know, George Steinbrenner can be pretty ornery.

Well, you're paying us a lot of good money to keep you in one piece.

I think we're entitled to know why.

Hey. Don't worry about it.

Everybody loves me.

Jenny.

Buddy of mine.

You all right?

No.

What do you think?

Remember tennis balls used to be white? Now they change into yellow, green,

sometimes even pink. They made the game so much more vibrant.

So I thought, why not baseball?

You could get fined for that.

Rice thinks he can steal my girlfriend to get away with it?

Well, he's wrong.

Nice little bomb you threw back there.

Would have left some pretty nasty burns.

This firecracker was just a wake -up call.

Besides, had the team put me up to it. It wasn't just me who wants to see Buck

hurting. It was all of us.

Hi, I was just a girl working at a hot dog stand when a movie star asked me out

on a date.

I happened to save his life, and so in order to save his, he told everybody

I'm a professional bodyguard, which, of course, I am not, trust me. So then I

was asked to be a figurehead at a bodyguard agency, and they said I'd

to use any weapons or be in any danger.

He's got great dedication.

Been lifted for an hour.

You're assuming he can tell time.

You ask me, Buck's played just a few too many games out in the sun without his

cap on.

Maybe he's no Phi Beta Kappa, but you've got to be impressed with his stamina.

German Shepherds have stamina. It's because they run around so much.

finally, finally. The perfect case for your figurehead next. Me. And I knew all

the three of you were coming handy.

You think you can help him?

Why not?

Look, all the experts say the same thing. Soon as he finds the right woman,

poof, no more problem.

Buck's ego isn't the only thing in danger here.

What, you're saying there were other incidents before yesterday's bomb

The rogues coach called and said that Buck's been spiked twice, he's been hit

three times by pitchers at practice, not to mention the shortstop who

accidentally threw a bat at him.

And he also gave me a list of players who say our client has had flings with

their girlfriends.

Got everybody here but the team mascot.

Keep looking.

Buck must be an expert at time management.

Okay.

Two years since my accident, I still feel it in my neck.

You know what? You should try Tai Chi.

It'll help focus the healing energy where you need it.

Maybe that works for you, but a real athlete needs calisthenics and weight

training. No, no, wait a second. It says right here what Buck needs is a steady

diet of one woman.

For my neck?

No, for your problem.

The reason you get in trouble all the time is because you have an addiction,

like drugs or alcohol, and addiction is bad, very bad. Except, of course, it's a

shopping addiction because no one really gets hurt.

Except maybe at Fred Siegel's it can get really, really hairy sometimes.

Uh, guys, I really need to get to the park so I can ice down before batting

practice.

Is there a place I can get cleaned up?

Right through there.

Ah, gee.

I'd be better off eating Thai food.

Rear security breach. Yep.

I love Thai food.

Another very important skill for the dedicated philanderer.

Buck just slipped out the back door.

You couldn't possibly be a meter maid.

That'll teach him for trying to give us a slip.

Looks like they're hooking up. I'm just doing this meter maid thing on the side

till I sell my screenplay.

Dry Star is interested. All I gotta do is rewrite it for Drew Barry.

See, just talking to you for a few minutes.

I knew you were a writer.

Oh.

Maybe she's the woman Bob says he needs.

This is ridiculous.

You are too cute.

Just give him the ticket. We're in a hurry.

It's a phone number.

Ma 'am, is that your tacky red car over there?

Huh?

Because while you were being condescending, oop, you made her

That's ridiculous. Okay, you were detaining my client.

Have a nice day.

Get in the car, Bucky.

You listen to me, you little dirt worm. I don't... No, I don't want to hear

that. All right?

I don't care.

When you make a deal with me, all right, you're in for the long haul.

Do you understand me, baby?

Do you?

Burn it! Burn it! Jeez.

Hey, Harvey, sweetie, baby, yeah, listen.

Listen, Vern's not going to be able to make it today.

No, no, no, no, no. Look, I promise you, the money will be there, baby. The

money will be there. Harvey, Harvey, Harvey!

I'm getting a migraine.

Okay, Jerry, don't get excited, but I didn't get your bet down.

What?

Oh, what am I, some kind of a deadbeat now? Is that it, huh? Do they know who I

am? Do they know who I am? Yeah, I think they do.

Get me Carmen, all right?

She knows how to make me feel better, all right? Thank God for Carmen.

The line's busy.

You can miss one game.

You're too good for that team anyway.

Carmen, don't.

Trying to be good.

Don't you like me?

Of course I do, honey, but I've got to stay focused now.

Besides, it's not right you're spoken for, that high -finance guy.

Buck. Buck Rice.

We wanted a dugout.

Has anybody seen Golden Boy out there?

You know, just thinking about our last night together got me so crazy, I rented

a room right next to yours at the hotel.

Amazing week, you know that.

I need you, Buck.

And when you get here, you know what I'm going to do to you?

Oh, uh, thanks for letting me know, man. I'll swing by in a minute.

Glad you're here. They, uh, found my lucky batting glove over at the Lazy 8.

Lucky batting glove?

Yeah, can't hit without it.

Uh, come on, let's take a ride. I'll tell you about the time I went yard

Clemens in the playoffs.

I need to know just exactly who called Buck on the bullpen phone.

That would be the Lazy 8 Motel in Santa Monica. The preferred rest shop of

business travelers since 1986.

Hourly rates available.

That reminds me of the time that my old boyfriend, Stewie Solomon, and I skipped

school for three whole days. I need to drive down to the motel.

Okay.

The number, please.

That is room 280.

It's currently registered to one Betty Rebel.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's a student now.

Okay, have Val pick me up in the Jag.

Hey, here for a minute. I'll be right back.

Let me go with you. I'll just check out the area.

No, don't sweat it. I'll be just a minute.

What, you think I got somebody up there waiting for me?

Name's Buck Rice, not Minute Rice.

Listen, not all nicknames are about sexual performance, you know.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Quick.

Yeah, whatever, just make it snappy.

Slow Hand Williams.

Slow Hand Williams.

I mean, we're talking a half a billion dollars here.

I mean, if this deal goes south, I'm going to kill somebody.

Well, you're going to kill somebody. Don't worry. If it doesn't work out with

Vern, those Japanese guys are hot to try.

Hey, isn't that Carmen?

Where?

Son of a bitch.

Thank you.

It means somebody else's.

I can't believe I did what I did.

We'll have to put you on a leash and hold you up at the penthouse so we don't

have to follow you around with a pooper scooper.

The guy who came after us with Jerry Goldring, the failed finance.

Yeah. Carmen gave me an earful about him.

She's his girlfriend.

You know what? You could have gotten yourself killed with that little stunt

today. Plus, you lied to me. I don't even appreciate that. Look, I'm sorry

that. I really am.

I'm trying to get my head right, but when a beautiful girl comes on to me...

Go all squishy inside.

Get over yourself, Batman.

Hey, you know, I got a great idea.

How about you bodyguard me personally tonight?

Over dinner.

Hello, clue phone?

Buck?

It's for you.

Dream on.

Whoa, you are awesome.

And you're single, too, so we got that going for us.

You can really help me.

Just one second, please. We have a little LPC meeting.

That's gross.

Nicky, he's not a scrub. He has a job, home, and a car.

He's turning to date everyone.

So? He just needs one person to keep him in line, and that could be you. No way.

You're right. It might make Johnny a little jealous.

Johnny and I are only friends, okay?

I mean, that's all I have to tell you.

Well, that's all that.

Well, there is something I've been wanting to try with you.

Not bad.

Definitely have some pop.

See my pow and kabang.

Hey, um, I was thinking.

Don't even.

No, listen, I want you to pitch to me at the Home Run Smackdown on Friday.

Out of here.

Why not?

It's a charity thing, not a real game.

We're allowed to pick our own pitchers.

And you want me?

Why?

I don't know.

Good luck, I guess.

And I like the way you throw.

Hard and straight down the middle.

Thanks, but I kind of lose my zip after a couple pitches, and I think I need,

like, a rocket launcher to really make me go all the way.

Well, I think you can do it.

You think about it, okay?

I know how anxious you've been to make the right investment.

So when this came up unexpectedly, I thought of you, Mr. Moto, right away.

Mr. Godwin, we need to talk about a few more things.

We've been looking into your background.

So you've been checking up on me, huh?

Well, that's good, that's good. Then you know I get things done, I make money

for my clients.

Yes, we like that very much. But we are a respectful company.

Some people you do business with.

They are organized crime.

Oh, now, wait a minute, sir. That's never been substantiated. To me, to

I mean, I run a clean operation.

The major thing is I can put your 500 mil together with a production company

that will make box office magic.

I can feel it. Big returns.

Excuse me.

Jerry.

Carmen. Honey, what are you doing here?

Oh, gentlemen, this is my lovely Carmen.

And who are these guys? Your bookies?

No, no, no, no, no. Your goon does not have to get rid of me. I'm leaving on my

own and I am leaving for good. Honey, this isn't the time. I'm going to be

Buck Rice. What?

He treats me like a woman, Jerry. He listens to me.

And that's not all he does.

Buck Rice, the ball player.

Uh -huh.

That's who that guy was you were booming at the league?

Booming, Jerry.

Boom, boom, boom.

Let's go.

This is very embarrassing.

We must be going.

No, no, no, no. It's not necessary. She's gone.

We'll reschedule for another time.

It's better.

We should have

taken care of Buck Rice when we had the chance.

We would have, but VIP showed up. Nah, not today. Two years ago.

I had a... A quarter mil bet on a playoff game that was in the bag until

Rice decided to turn it around in the ninth.

I remember that game.

That was the night Buck Rice got into his accident.

Yeah, what a coincidence.

A cruel hop in the infield of life.

You had that done, that accident?

Well, I had one of the boys follow Rice from the park and give him a little

nudge over the bluffs.

I had no idea.

Why don't you...

get together some of the boys and take care of this little problem?

I don't want Rice playing ball again, ever.

Not in the majors, not in the minors, and certainly not with my comment.

Huh? Yes, sir.

So,

um, where are you and Buck going before the game tomorrow night?

Uh, hello?

It's Tasha's turn.

No, he's been so calm and mild since you went out with him. Don't let Tasha go

out with him. He'll turn into raging bull.

Hey, there you are.

Hey, bud, can I get your autograph?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I got you a little something.

Thanks.

Open it up. It's something to help you go all the way. Excuse me?

Well, you said you needed a rocket launcher to help you pitch.

A girl can always use a new incendiary device.

I mean, even though it's a little soft, but... She's just being shy. She really

wants to go out with you again.

Outstanding. I know this hot tub club where we could give each other a hot oil

body massage.

Is there ever a time where you're not thinking about sex?

Sure. When I'm having sex, I try to think about baseball.

No, why don't you guys go for a really romantic drive somewhere, maybe by the

beach.

I got an idea how to make back what I lost betting against Rice in the

Everybody thinks he's going to win this big home run contest, huh?

He's got a lot to prove. And I got a quarter mill that says he goes bust,

he will, because we're going to make sure of it.

My heart is pounding. It's like the adrenaline's pumping all through me. You

know, it's like hitting a triple.

Not only is a son of a bitch sleeping with my mistress, he's two -timing it.

believe that?

Easy, Chief.

This isn't the place to make our move.

Yeah.

Whoa! You ever try taking advantage of me like that again?

That's messed up.

What about VIP?

Ah, with the right kind of bait.

Rice or Shake VIP himself.

And then we got him in our crosshairs and bang, bang.

Fuck's sake.

Oh, come on. Get your bat up.

Top hand over. Come on, baby.

Come on. What are you doing?

You're bailing out. Get through.

Wait, wait. Cake?

What's wrong?

I'm all messed up.

I haven't been with a woman in almost three days.

That long?

I'm serious.

My hands are shaking. I can't hit.

Okay, listen.

Take deep breaths, okay?

Try to quiet your mind.

Now I want you to visualize making perfect contact.

Okay, now see the ball, hit the ball, okay?

See the ball, hit the ball.

Got that?

Okay. Keep doing that until I tell you to stop. Come on.

Who's that? The man in the yard at baseball maintenance?

Ted Williams.

The signs of hitting.

Okay, all right. Well, come on! Come on!

All right now, Buck, you can do it, baby. Come on.

He needs a woman back.

Oh, my God. He owns a Dallas Six Shooters.

You better stop him before he sees Buck hitting wind.

I'm sorry, but the cage is in private use. Stay down.

Don't tell me I drove all the way from Dallas for nothing.

Say, I do believe that you are the lovely and lethal Miss Valerie Iron.

Yeah, that's me. And this is Mrs. Franco.

Hey, squirt.

Joey Nellis, his team almost went to the World Series.

Yeah, well, we almost go there every year, which is why the people of Texas

not allow me back across the state line until I make that man a shooter.

Buck?

Well, he's a little distracted right now. He's working on a new strikeout

technique. Strikeout technique? Well, it looks like the man's got it down.

Well, you know, he's such an amazing hitter. It's more of a challenge for him

miss. Yeah, I'm familiar with what you're talking about.

You are?

Yeah, yeah, I got a big cattle ranch, and I see it all the time, but...

I try not to step in.

Ladies.

You have to do something to make Buck start hitting again.

Me?

What am I supposed to do?

Give him what he wants.

You, candlelight, method of mayhem on the stereo.

What do I look like, a tired hoe?

I mean, that is what you're saying, isn't it? Well, to save his career.

Yeah.

J -O -T -B -W, jump on the bandwagon, be a friend.

Just do it.

Fine. I don't know why I let you talk me into these things.

You're hitting, bucko.

Kind of pathetic.

It's just a slump. I'll bust out of it.

Good.

I don't get down with choke -hards.

And I think I'm getting ready to get down with you.

Hey, as long as you know it's not just physical.

I want more than that.

Good. Come on, stud. How about a little hitting, huh?

I haven't seen this much jaw flapping since my ex -wife called me the cleaning

lady.

Yes, sir.

Does she remember to change the damn sheets?

Lipstick and perfume and makeup everywhere?

For God's sake, boy.

Here it comes, bud.

All right!

Oh my

God, whatever he said, he totally fell for it.

Foul.

I'm totally, like, oh, my God, you are totally in love with him. You want 10

,000 of his baby.

Yes, sir.

No.

I don't know.

I've got to get him out of my system before I do something, like, lame -o.

Oh, my God, not lame -o.

Randy, I heard about this, and they'll let his buyer take it.

Give him what he wants, and it'll be good for both of you.

Good getting to this, bugger.

Thanks.

Well, I'll leave you and Val's capable hands.

Hey, buddy.

Hey.

Hi.

We're friends of Val's.

He said you wanted to party.

More than you can imagine.

You know what?

We think you need a little dip.

Um... Lordy.

Dip! Dip!

Dip! Dip!

Dip! Dip!

Dip!

Dip! Dip! I'm sorry!

Get that out!

Dip! Dip!

Dip! Dip! Dip!

Dip!

I think that there's some kind of mistake.

Silence!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, my God, Nicky.

Val. That's Nurse Val to you, mister.

Nurses, that's it.

I know what my problem is now.

When I had my accident, I suddenly realized everything I had going for me

be over in an instant.

I totally flipped out.

I started coming on to the nurses right there in the hospital room.

No. No, really, I'd never done anything like that before.

But then I started doing it all the time.

Chasing women and cheating.

I was so worried that I would never, never be like I was before the accident.

Well, it just sounds like you needed a crutch.

Personally, I would have gone for the Tito's.

You're right. I mean, that's all it is. I was trying to heal myself.

Some medicine.

I still feel something.

I feel nothing.

I'm cured.

Great. That sounds like a Dawson Creek vomit.

Why don't you two go get cleaned up? There's more to life than sex and

I need to treat people with respect.

Coffee? Totally.

Would have been fun.

Buck?

Buck, is that you?

Buck?

Time for this, please.

I will be there, baby.

I know you wouldn't forget about me.

All right, both messages delivered. Double play.

Good afternoon, everybody. I'm Steve Lyons, and welcome to the first annual

Run Smackdown benefiting Carpal Tunnel Research.

Now, we've got a real...

You got my bet down, right? It's covered.

So where the hell is Rice?

You sure he got the number?

He couldn't have missed it.

He used Carmen's stationery, just like you said.

Just about the best of the kids.

Tell that kid Buck Rice is making his way down to the dugout, and the first

hitter is ready to dig in at the plant.

Rice is in the dugout.

All right, this whole thing is going south. If I lose another quarter mill,

taking it out on every one of you. Do you understand me? Not to worry.

We got a backup plan.

at the plate for his last of ten swings.

A solid four over the wall so far for Manny.

It's up.

It's way back.

And he's out of here.

I don't like this.

Buck's going to be a wide -open target out there.

Good job.

Thanks. I'm out for the camera.

six swings for Garcia.

Very impressive.

And now that's going to bring up Buck Rice, the former major leaguer who's

been tearing up the California Adobe League since that bad car accident that

had over two years ago.

See the ball?

They're in position.

I want it done on the first pitch.

You hear me?

Crack of the bat.

See you, Paul.

security team vip and now we've just been notified that buck rice will not be

the next hitter they're going to give him a chance to compose himself carmen

said that uh buck has sent her this note golden's trying to set you up he may

still be here where too bad we don't have a bird's eye view like those guys

there well

as much fun as watching.

We'll need you to scan the stadium. We're looking for snipers.

I got in.

Alex, that's got to hurt.

Zero out of ten for Palermo.

But Frank has regained his composure now, and he's ready to show us his

Got to take my cuts.

Uh -uh.

you're a target.

I got an idea.

Why don't we put Johnny in uniform, send him up there, and he can wear one of

those Teflon back thingies. I mean, he can just be a D -Quaker.

Go.

That's crazy. I need to get out there and crank out a few dingers.

I mean, that's what this whole thing is about.

Dingers? Johnny can crank out dingers.

Whatever they are.

Step up to the plate.

I'm blowing right by you.

All right, go ahead and try one.

Anybody with a love of this game has got to feel for Buck Rice right now. The

former major leaguer, one of the greatest hitters in the game, coming

back surgery and some rumored personal problems for another chance at stardom.

I found him.

He's up on the roof.

And make no mistake about it, this event is more than just a fundraiser for a

good cause.

Double play.

Now, I hear you got that zipper problem under control.

Absolutely, Mr. Mellon. Well, that's good, son, because right here it says

will do nothing to disgrace the six shooters of the people of Dallas.

You mean like driving a truckload of illegal aliens across the border?

Give it up, boy.

Looks like Buck's going to be a six -shooter.

Thanks to Johnny.

It is so awesome that you volunteered to be a target instead of Buck.

Hey, nice piece of hitting, too.

See the bullet? Hit the bullet.

Right. Like you did that on purpose.

You think you're a pretty good pitcher, don't you?

Strike you out.

We'll see about that.

Come on.

Let's see what you got.

Bring it on.

Lucky pick.

What's so hard about hitting a baseball anyway?

Oh, yeah? We'll get ready to find out.

I said we want a pitcher, not a belly itcher.

Whatever.

This one's got my name on it.

Sucker, come on.

Okay. No.

Tasha, don't.