Original subtitles

We're not bodyguards anymore, Val. We're bouncers.

What? This is going to be totally fun.

Jump it, Tyler.

We're at an A -list party, and we'll get you bodyguards.

A -list?

If this is an A -list, how did he get in?

Is that Bartholomew?

That kick to the stars?

He wants to give us three readings.

And you definitely need some advice.

Do you love life? What's that?

Oh, I do fine.

Come on, I've been married seven times. I do okay.

Guys don't ask out girls that carry cyanide in their teeth, okay?

What about you?

Nah, you two have fun. I'm going to keep an eye on the door.

This better be good.

in the cards today.

We will

begin with you. She's lovely.

The three of swords.

The seven of swords.

The hangman.

Of course, the meaning of the cards isn't always what it appears to be.

Well, um, what exactly do they mean?

Uh... Dexter, Tasha, Senior Associate, Valerie

Irons Protection, former KGB operative.

Whoa, careful, Bart. This one could fold you up like a blanket.

Death, for example.

end of an old career, the start of something new, very exciting. And the

Just, uh, stay away from sharp objects.

Now, Miss Irons, you look absolutely lovely.

Let's see what we have here. The sun and the star.

Hope, inspiration, serenity. You have a very, very bright future, my dear.

So she does a lot of club hopping. She's the one who pays.

Translation, no boyfriend.

Oh, let's see what we have here.

Well, look at that, the lovers.

You have a new man coming in your life.

Really?

Okay, see now, let's get back to this. The sword doesn't bother him, all right?

But the hangman, I mean, that seems like my kind of guy.

The hot man is a very popular...

Something's going down. I think our cover's blown. You better get back here.

You guys take any longer, I'm going to have to call a caterer.

All right.

Over there.

All right. Ready?

One, two, three.

Cover blown.

Give me a break.

This is the middle of nowhere.

That was a molten hot breeding ground for potential customers.

Bartholomew said that our paths would cross again.

I guess you're right.

It's ASAP.

This isn't big. This is huge.

Not now, darlings.

Oh, by the way, you're hired.

I was just a girl working at a hot dog stand when a movie star asked me out on

date. I happened to save his life, and so in order to save his life, he told

everybody that I'm a professional bodyguard, which, of course, I am not.

me. So then I was asked to be a figurehead at a bodyguard agency, and

I'd never have to use any weapon or be in any danger.

And I always am.

Almost done.

Okay, I need my paycheck. I'm down to lose change.

The computer transferred money into both of your accounts.

Minus a few zeros.

$4 .17 they cut in it.

Well, this ought to do it.

Electronic banking is usually full proof.

Okay, call an expert.

I am an expert.

Besides, I hate those website -quoting techie types that just think they're so

superior. Okay.

What?

Okay, I'm calling.

I'm calling.

Oh, turn on the TV because we're missing the Bartholomew psychic to the star

show.

And here he is, Bartholomew.

My dear viewers.

The program that we had planned for you today must be cut short due to a recent

revelation that lies very heavily on my heart.

Due to reasons far, far beyond our ken. Only I have been chosen to impart it

to you.

Hilary von Ryan has passed on to the other side.

Hilary von Ryan?

The rich chick who pulled the fading act?

Left home for a stockholders' meeting, never arrived.

I see blue. Her suit

is torn.

It is torn at the sleeve, and she's struggling, struggling against her

attackers. Oh, she's cold. She is so, so cold.

Poor, poor sweet, sweet Hillary.

I'm seeing an embankment.

There is a sign, a very, very large sign.

And it begins... Do you believe this? It begins with the letter... This guy's

killing me.

H.

I'm sorry. I want him dead.

Not tonight.

Not tomorrow.

Now.

What did he say, huh?

Me and Jimmy.

Now, the woman can't talk.

You got nothing to worry about.

He's an eyewitness.

He sees you. You work for me. How long do you think it's going to take them to

connect me to Von Ryan Industries, hmm? What you were supposed to do is you were

supposed to grab Von Ryan and hold her until she agreed to sell me the rest of

her stock. Not chase her around until she falls off the boat. Hey, hey, that

her fault, all right? I mean, she acted like some kind of wild monkey.

Listen, I'm putting out a contract.

A hundred large.

Look, boss, those guys that fired at us over in Hollywood Hills,

That's Valerie Irons protection.

Now, how are we supposed to stamp this Bartholomew when he's got the world's

best bodyguards? You don't want the reward money? Fine, I'll hire a

professional.

I know the perfect guy.

Best in the business.

Hey, hey, hey!

Take care with my chair.

Okay, thank you.

Yep. Of course I will.

Detective Grisby says hi.

And he wants to press on you to take him to the body this afternoon.

This is dangerous.

Tell him to draw a Grisby map.

Crab boys don't draw maps, but he has to go there with them.

I've seen his stick, Val.

He's phonier than the Blair Witch.

Wait, he was the one who predicted that James and Barbara Brolin weren't just a

one -night stand.

Beginner's luck, Val.

What about when he said Tommy Lasorda would quit baseball one day and sell us

spaghetti sauce?

Yeah, well, that's a shot in the dark.

Okay, Fergie lost 20 pounds in 12 weeks, and he said she would keep it off.

She's right.

That's a tough one.

Nobody would have predicted that.

So let Superbark go.

Okay, okay, fine. You know, maybe he'll lead us to Al Capone's vault or

something. Julio, see you later.

I've been with the architect.

Oh, big bucks, regular hours, and dream house guaranteed.

Next is a doctor.

Dermatologist is best.

A lot of women with bad skin, but not a whole lot of overtime.

Surgeon? Oh, it's okay if you don't want to spend your time with them. A nice

car. I've always wanted to wear one of those.

Well, if I enrolled it at the Brickyard 400, I'd let you drive it. You're a race

car driver?

Stockbroker. Drawback is you gotta get... Oh, not according to my pit crew.

They love this baby. They actually towed the car before they called the

ambulance. Serious hours, clients calling all times of the night, and if

divorce attorney for a team, you never know when some desperate female is going

to move away from you.

Professional athlete.

Big balls, no, no, no.

Take your bag?

Oh, sure.

So, you wouldn't know a good restaurant around here, would you? I've been living

on chili dogs since the season started, and I'm starving.

Oh, no. I don't know any good restaurants around here. But you know

Why don't you come by my... place tonight at around eight o 'clock. I make

mean canned macaroni and cheese.

I tell you what, you supply forks and glasses. I'll bring food in bubbly.

Sure.

Ryan, just like you said, how lucky can a guy get?

Not that lucky.

Nick, we're on our way out. Stay there, John. It's time to get me.

Have you contacted Ted Koppel's office yet?

You can tell them if they don't call me in the next 24 hours. This is a very,

very monumental...

Change of plans. We're going sniper hunting.

Get moving.

At least he was wearing his helmet.

How much longer?

You know, at the point I'm called in, time usually isn't the problem. It's

skill.

So now we got a client who's been shot at twice.

Well, the party was in the hills, right?

So Hillary Von Stift shows up, and where is she?

The Hollywood Hills.

So maybe he comes out of the party, takes a wrong turn, sees something he

shouldn't? Unless we believe Kenny Kingston over there is who he claims to

Okay, any chance we can run that partial plate we got off the caddy?

That's a penny.

Our computer looks worse off than when I was fixing it.

Not hardly.

Actually, I think you'll find it quite a bit improved.

Meanwhile, here's the laptop.

I built it myself.

I think you'll like it.

It's a partial plate 2QR, Cadillac Seville, probably 78, 79.

In Los Angeles, the motor vehicle capital of the world, there are 729.

Of course, this computer doesn't have the cross -referencing abilities that my

computer has.

Just hit F5.

Thanks, Ned. It's got good.

All right, cross -reference it with all known acquaintances of Hillary von Ryan.

Friends, family, business associates?

Do you want to narrow it down a little bit?

F7, it'll scan all three.

Ah, real good.

The grass is always greener, isn't it?

Does he look like the type that would make you a cappuccino?

Or spot you at the weight bench? No!

Actually, when I temped for Schwarzenegger, I figured out how to

frappuccinos that were awesome. Slip it, egghead!

I'll grab some lunch.

Okay, so Hillary was on her way to a stockholders meeting, right?

Let's check for all business types.

Got it.

Hadari, Sid, international entrepreneur, major stockholder in Von Ryan

Industries.

Do you want me to call Detective Grisby?

Portia plates make for great bedtime stories, but they don't get a lot of

action. What kind of rocket scientist uses his own wheels to knock off the

competition?

Let's go check out Sid Hadari.

Danny, you never should have let him on that bike.

Idiot practically started a forest fire.

From now on, you guys stay on the boat.

Come on, boss.

Give us one last shot, huh?

Jimmy can do it.

I thought you were next.

Enough.

I've got someone on the inside now. Let him handle it.

Real smooth, Jimmy.

Real smooth.

What are you wearing?

Hello.

Hey. Hi.

I didn't know what you were like, but these just kind of said Belle.

Oh, Virginia.

White zombie, white truffles?

Uh -uh.

Too good? Too good.

Max? We're just leaving. Sudden trip to Zimbabwe.

I don't think so.

Why, quick!

Look, Val, it's quick. He just happens to be passing through all dressed up.

Passing through?

You said to come by, we'd go out dancing. I know, I know, I know. Why

just stay in tonight and have an old -fashioned double date?

You, me, him.

Not for long.

Yep. Bulletproof windshield, couple of 9mm scratches.

Who are you supposed to be, huh? The Winchester Police?

Valerie Iron, protection.

So?

You and your guys took a joyride in the hills yesterday?

I said so.

Suspension said you did.

The front shocks are dead and the struts are hanging by a thread.

One kick and the whole front end will collapse.

What I do with my vehicle is my business.

I take a hike.

Found a body in those hills.

Hilary Von Ryan?

Business associate of yours?

You got a piece of that?

Call the police.

Hot shot.

Jimmy, out.

Is that the only thing she should leave?

No problem.

Where's Bartholomew?

Hottering his nose.

Hadari had some serious mob contacts.

He knows we're on to him.

Maybe we'll crawl back in his hole.

If Hadari had Hillary Von Ryan kidnapped and killed, he's not going to stop

because you put a dent in his Cadillac.

This guy definitely doesn't play by the rules.

Why don't you call your boyfriend and see if he's got some time to help us

Johnny's not my boyfriend.

Then how'd you know who I was talking about?

It's me.

Isn't this romantic?

Boy, girl, boy, girl. Of course not. Boy, girl isn't bad either.

Look,

if you two would rather be alone, Maxine and I...

No. This way we can get to know each other and then afterwards we can play

charades or twister or spin the bottle, whatever you're in the mood for.

Actually, I was thinking Val might like to go for a walk on the beach.

Really? Let's go.

Don't be silly.

We haven't eaten dinner yet.

Speaking of which.

Okay.

Right after dinner, if you guys don't leave, I'm going to break your night

retainer and you're going to grind your teeth all night and they're going to

look like this.

Champagne. Must have left it on the van.

I'll be right back.

All righty. Let's see what Mr.

Hotshot brought. Ooh, spinach casserole. Max, just stop it.

All right, ladies, I'll get it.

Oh, my God, no.

Val. What?

Oh, my God. Is that...

Mom, get Nicky over here fast.

Nicky, get over here fast.

I love a challenge, but now it's only 20 seconds left on the clock. They're

going over the wall.

There are people down there. There are people up here.

Taught in the pool.

Too iffy. You need steel walls. Five seconds.

Four. Then again, it ain't much.

about your dream dates.

This is an office, not the Hollywood Bowl.

Oh, take a pill, dear. The show must go on.

Well, maybe you missed it in the cards, but someone's trying to kill you, all

right? I can't run a background check on everybody here.

Please don't be ridiculous.

These people are like my family. We've known each other for years. You with the

hair. Drop that, and you're borscht.

We've been at this for two days.

How bad can it be?

Well, your reconfiguration to AI fits the Corbulo algorithm perfectly.

It's just not working.

What do you know about Corbulo?

He was my prophet, Stanford.

Smart guy.

Smart? Smart?

He revolutionized the field.

Yeah. You know, your programming technique kind of reminds me of Corbulo.

Really?

You think so?

Yeah, I do.

The problem is, I think we've got a virus buried deep in the original

I was worried about that.

We can fix it.

VIP? Hey.

Max, how's Val?

She's sleeping. Look, I need you to do a favor for me. I need you to look up

somebody. Says his name is Cole Calloway. Why?

Well, don't you think it's a little bit of a coincidence that VIP is protecting

Bartholomew and there was an attempted whacking on your top dog bodyguard?

All right.

Oh, and Kay, if Val asks, I never called, we never spoke.

How's Val?

Sleeping. Max never called, we never spoke.

Hey, Ned.

Did I use your laptop again?

Yeah, okay.

All right, thanks.

We need to talk.

Well, I don't have time.

Cole's going to be here in 20 minutes.

Okay, so listen.

Cole shows up a day after Bartholomew hires you. A man being stalked by an

assassin. And on your first date, you almost get turned into a casserole.

Coincidence. There's a lot of people that had access to that cart, including

caterers and a lot of other people.

Okay. He has no address, no phone number, except for an answering service.

Max, this is L .A. Not even the phone company answers on phones.

Okay, so he's a race car driver.

Where's his car?

Huh? It got smashed up.

Are you losing it? No!

Where's my clothes?

Huh, chop -chop. My clothes.

His name's not even cold. K -check. Look, the caterer, the flowers, the

all paid for by a credit card. Now, the stores won't disclose the name, but it

was not... Callaway.

Well, my Spidey sense says you're wrong. Well, maybe Spidey has a day off.

Well, you know what?

I've got to find out for myself, okay? So, I'm going in. And if I don't make it

back, you can have my pink Manala Blahnik shoes.

Wonder Twin Powers activate.

Girl power.

came my prediction of the death of dear Hillary von Ryan.

Then, blessed by powers beyond human comprehension, I was able to lead the

police to her final, terrible resting place.

And my dear viewers, this is available on VHF for $19 .95, plus shipping and

handling. Call the number you see on your screen.

Now, the spirit world is calling me once again, and I must...

I must respond.

For the killer of Hillary von Ryan must be revealed.

What was he talking about?

Guy's got a screw loose.

That's plenty. Thank you.

I see... Oh, it's a man.

He is... He is standing by a blue car.

wearing a business suit, and he's saying he's a friend.

No, not a friend, a business associate of Hilary von Ryan, and his

name is... Shut

this thing off. Hey, hold it.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to have to stop. I

really am, because I am...

both physically and emotionally exhausted at this point, but please,

viewers, tune in tomorrow when I, the great Bartholomew, will reveal the first

three letters of the killer's name.

Cut!

How did you know about Hadari? And don't give me any of that spirit world crap.

You were eavesdropping on us last night. Perhaps a word or two may have seeped

into my subconscious.

Bart, Ted Koppel's office is on line three. He wants to interview you

Tell him I will be there with bells on.

Take the bells off and put your thinking cap on.

If Adari thought you were a threat before, he's positive now.

You don't say no to Ted Koppel.

I hired you to bodyguard me.

Do it.

That irons bar is alive and well.

Looks like this pro you hired to handle it isn't such a genius after all.

You know what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking me and Jimmy here deserve another shot at that reward money.

What's the problem with you, Al?

You think.

Leave it to the pro.

Time for a little investigating.

It's a nice day for a drive. You want to wheel down Mohawk?

Mohawk Drive?

We could park, watch the sun go down.

Or he locks me in the car, pushes it off a cliff, and I end up in a burning ball

of fire at David Geppett's backyard.

Why go to Moholland if you have a need for speed?

I'll give you all you can handle.

Here? Yes. You have no idea where?

I don't know.

Here's the crate. Yeah.

Hmm. 100 % silk. He had it dry cleaned. Big spender.

Oh, my God. No underwear. Ghost command. I'll take the chances.

Holes in his socks.

Definitely single.

HLP.

What? Oh, that.

If you're trying to spell help, you're missing a letter. You're not really Cole

Calloway, are you? Who are you?

I can explain.

Let's just take that drive, all right? I don't think so.

Forget it. I'll wait.

Or the bow.

You go, girl.

Looking good, Tosh.

We pull this off and Bartholomew will be out of our head and then Ted Koppel's

by airtime.

Nick, you put the word out?

Every snitch in town knows Crystal Ball Boy is going to be on his way to ABC.

All right.

All right, let's just hope it lures Hadari out.

Perfect.

It's you.

Brother, it was you.

Come on.

You come out of this alive and I'll buy the bitch.

Okay. My brand.

None of your plain rap.

Come in, Berlin.

Well, you guys locked in?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, we are. Right now.

Okay, activate the penthouse alarm.

No. A computer.

problem is when the only chip inside the computer is a Dorito.

Okay.

System activated.

Bartholomew's alive.

I told you, boss.

I'm inside. Guy blew it.

Don't go spending your hundred thou.

You still might come through.

Ready?

Things I do for VIP.

afternoon, why would a hitman keep calling me? I don't know. Maybe to see

you're home so we could shoot you?

What do you think this would be?

The fool.

Coupled with the rope, which means an opportunity will be dangling in front of

you, and if you seize it, you win the day.

Let me help you with that.

at the front door.

Do not let him in.

He already has the code.

Welcome to Interspace Online Banking Services.

You did it!

We did.

No!

How about we go grab some dinner?

I can't. I don't have time.

Oh.

Well... How about a little lunchtime time?

Actually, there is one thing you can do for me.

Oh, yeah?

What?

Shut that pretty little mouth and turn off the penthouse alarm.

That's good. Take the wheel.

L .A. 2 -D, you need backup.

Pal, I'm not giving up.

Not giving up.

I promise you will never see me again.

Look, I know he's a jerk, but I know my race car driver. He's not a killer.

Come on, pal.

He's a killer.

Wake him up.

You're all going for a little ride.

You wake him up. He's really grumpy when he wakes up. And I'm scared.

Can't you people see that I am trying to... Oh, dear.

Okay, three seconds for target.

All right, they're squirting it out.

I'm trying to cut them loose.

You're supposed to get down there.

Okay, I got it. I saw it in the movie once.

My name is Calloway. It's not my real name.

You have more than one name?

Hey, well, racing's like acting. If your name's not Andretti, you at least

better sound like you belong.

Are we going to continue to just stand up here and chit -chat?

I think he's gone. Don't count on it.

Help me.

Herbert Leslie Proctor.

Ouch. See what I mean?

Yeah, I do.

No!

The rope.

An opportunity will be dangling in front of you, and if you seize it, you win

the day.

Not until it's cold.

What are you doing?

Kay, don't you think this is just a little desperate?

If Val can find a boyfriend this way, so can I.

Okay.

Looks like your dreamboat's name is Grizzle Lump.

Ooh, that sounds exciting.

Stand back.

I'm really good at this.

Kay, get ready to meet the man of your dreams. No, not if I meet him first.

What about Johnny Lowe? You're pushing.

Someone's pushing. I think it's too many hands. Excuse me. My dream, my guy.

Hello.