Original subtitles

I don't know where

to go.

She's here.

Valerie Irons?

And?

Impressive.

It's brilliant of you.

As always.

Who better to give our clothes some edge than the most beautiful and lethal

bodyguard in the world?

Anything useful?

Just kidding. Good.

Put it in my briefcase.

You are not going to believe this, but you know what? I took a carjacker with

one of your lace bras, and then I wore it to the premiere of Big Daddy the same

night. Precisely what we want our new Valerie Irons undercover line to say.

Action, adventure, life in the fat lane.

Well, that's a lot to stick in a pair of panties, but I think I can handle it.

I'm already glad you're on board.

I still don't see why you need me to get Val's signature on some paper.

Cleo Robbins and I have some history. If it gets weird, you can bail me out.

Right. It won't look weird. You bring in a bodyguard to meet an old queen.

I didn't say she was an ex.

You didn't have to.

Oh, look, there's my associates.

Maybe they want to be bra and panty consultants, too.

Let's just go, okay?

Okay.

Well, I guess they didn't see us.

Her rear end's hanging awfully low.

All right, now watch it. You don't even know what my relationship is with the

woman. You already dissed her. I'm talking about the car. There's something

the fuel tank.

Need a speed pass. Come on.

I know we're running a little late, but I could just call the restaurant.

You know, I knew he worked for you, but I didn't think it was an upsetting thing

like that.

What?

I should have listened to my therapist.

Okay, okay, you know, look, I could still consult for you, but maybe this

isn't a good time.

Um, I know the free clothes are a very, very good part of this, but...

Come on.

Come on, stay on.

Come on. You know, she said it was not going to be a kickball getting over

quick.

But I was in such denial.

Well, have you ever considered telling him?

have issues and everything, but road rage is an unacceptable form of

Get out now. There's a bomb under your car. What? Oh, I can't believe you would

do this. Okay.

Ladies, now.

Okay. I can't get out. Come on, ladies.

It's stuck. Come on. Come on. It's stuck. It's stuck. Clear the earwax.

going to blow. Come on. Come on. Ladies, now. Come on, Val.

Nikki, just let go.

Come on, ladies.

Well, what are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey. I love this song.

It's coming up to a hill.

Slow it down.

No, she's okay.

Hey, guys, for once I got the bomb free and disarmed it.

Nothing's going to go boom.

My car.

Well, at least VIP has roadside assistance.

Maybe you need us for more than consulting work.

I was just a girl working at a hot dog stand when a movie star asked me out on

date. I happened to save his life.

And so in order to save face, he told everybody that I'm a professional

bodyguard, which, of course, I am not, trust me. So then I was asked to be a

figurehead at a bodyguard agency, and they said I'd never have to use any

or be in any danger.

And I always am.

I am so sorry. Today has been a total bummer.

It's not your fault. You saved my life. No, I'm talking about quick. I mean, you

didn't want to see your ex -boyfriend.

You know, we at VIP try to be a little more sensitive than that.

Check this out.

If you guys would have been in the car when this blew, you'd be paid.

Okay, maybe not so sensitive.

No, you don't get it. Plastic highball with the oxidizer chaser?

Weight overkill just to put you in the body bag.

I mean, what would our firebug want to vaporize so bad that he'd use a super

tamale? This is the only thing that didn't get cooked.

Maybe this was the target.

Fashion's a pretty cutthroat business.

Who benefits if these designs never make it to market?

No one.

Those designs have already appeared on the field.

Fashion website.

One of the first things I checked.

Never could leave your work at the office.

I was trying to get your attention.

As I recall, you got it big time.

Can we not do this here?

Okay. We're just trying to figure out who's trying to kill her.

And then you both can be on the Jerry Springer show.

Oh, my God. Did you see it yesterday?

There were three pilots all having an affair with the same stewardess, and

were on this nonstop flight from Rome, and suddenly... Hey.

Okay.

Nice bedside mirror you have.

Well, I'm a little more concerned about yours.

Any other ex -boyfriends, like Quick, we should know about?

The guy I broke up with is no prince, but he wouldn't try to barbecue me.

Griffin Pierce, CEO of Glomar Petroleum.

Also a major investor in Cleo's passion.

We called it quits, but he still makes a lot of money off me.

Maybe there's something he wants more than money.

Who's that?

Laura Jones, county administrator.

And that's Armand.

Armand James, head of the city zoning commission.

Panties and politics, that's a match made in heaven.

Look who we have here, Griffin Pierce, Glomar patrolling.

On the board of six companies, flies his own jet, classy.

Classy to me is someone who has frequent flyer updates.

Well, right now, Pearson's been upgraded to prime suspect.

Based on what?

I don't like his mother.

Leo.

You all right? I heard about the accident.

I'm fine.

And it was no accident.

That's why I've hired VIP.

Rick Williams.

I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Well, maybe you should be a contestant on Jeopardy.

Cleo, you should tell the hellhound to put its hands on me. Just doing my job.

Protecting Cleo.

Watch out, because you might have to protect yourself.

Stop it.

You guys are acting really childish.

Cleo! Come on, Ronnie.

Let's gusto that up.

Good, good.

Valerie Irons Undercover Collection.

Guard your body with Valerie Irons Undercover Collection for Cleo's

Fashionably fierce undergarments and outerwear to make you feel confident and

assertive. And do you feel confident and assertive?

Valerie Irons is an inspirational role model to women everywhere.

That's right. And that is a huge responsibility.

Well, see, now that's why you need Valerie Irons Undercover Actionwear in

office or on the town. They are sexy yet tough enough to tell the world you

won't be...

Please, we don't have much time.

Oh, sorry. All right, the next thing we're doing, I want a major attitude.

Wow, you look so... Like I have the world by the tail and a tag around his

strength? Something like that.

What brings you here?

A little something called Valerie Irons Protection.

Are you holding up your end of the operation?

Well, I've been asking around about Cleo's business, but everyone's a brick

wall.

Hey, maybe you could, uh... Consider it done.

You look amazing.

We have to put you in the show.

Oh, my God, I totally forgot why I was here. I think I've become possessed by

the clothes. You know, they've become like a second skin.

I just feel so confident and assertive.

Who's that?

David.

He's my right -hand man.

Couldn't do anything without him.

I mean, well, he can't protect me, of course. I mean, not like you can.

That's what we get paid for.

That's right, Quick.

So, why don't you take Cleo home?

You know, after rehearsal.

I don't know. Maybe Tasha would be better. Don't be shy, okay? You know her

best, so why don't you take her home? Who better to keep an eye out?

I think we can handle it.

Yes.

And you'll be where?

Around.

Excuse me. So.

I hear it's Cleo's right -hand man.

What do you want?

Information.

If Cleo won't tell you, you won't get it from me.

Come on, there's got to be something here that might change your mind.

I don't think so, girlfriend.

Well, maybe this will change your mind.

Maybe this.

What do you want to know?

Am I going to get you in trouble with Val for this little detour?

Being a good bodyguard is knowing when to improvise.

You haven't changed.

But you always kept things exciting when we were together.

What?

I was just thinking about how you used to spend time over at my place on

Cahuenga.

We were both dirt poor.

But it was always live.

I mean, we had fun.

As opposed to now.

See, a lot of things have changed.

Things don't have to change.

You and me, we could still be good together.

Come on, quick.

Fate's given us a second chance here.

I'm gonna go get out of here.

I'm gonna go wait. You need to check out the house first.

Cops are finished with Cleo.

Nikki's on her way to take over for Val.

Tell Nick to watch her back around Cleo.

Detective Grisby said it was a righteous shoot.

Yeah, I guess.

Hey, superstar.

The guy was trying to ventilate you.

I don't know, Taj. Something about... I want to believe that... What, you think

she was trigger happy?

There's something on those tapes I don't think she wants anyone to see.

I finally got the results on Cleo's car bomb.

Anything good?

Maybe so.

Our firebug used isopentane as an accelerator.

It's a chemical used to refine crude oil.

Hello, Glomar Petroleum.

My gut on Griffin Pierce was right.

Isopentane is also used to make textile dyes, aqua velvet, and urinal cake.

Yeah, well, it's still enough to have that little game of 20 questions, I

promise. Fine.

Okay, make sure Nikki saves the bow on Cleo. Mr. Gut and I are going to go pay

visit to Griffin Pierce.

I'm just going to stay here and cross -reference Cleo's inner circle with

who happens to make textile dyes, aqua velvet, and urinal cake.

No quote.

See all that?

So much beauty.

Hard to believe that some people think that a few loyal derricks could ruin all

that.

Hopefully those people can be swayed the same way I was.

Hard petrol bucks.

Well, then make it happen, damn it.

I want those oil right leeches in my hands now before the Venezuelans pull

heads out of their butts and strike in the Caribbean.

There's still the matter of that videotape.

It's got me worried. You, me, on camera conspiring to defraud? You don't know

that. When you suggested Cleo's fashion show as the perfect place to hold our

little powwow, you promised me we wouldn't draw attention to ourselves.

You should take the shows. I just didn't realize we were the stars.

After we hit the door, I'll beat down Pierce. You keep out the looky -loops.

Slow down.

K didn't say his fingerprints were on the isopentane. So what then? The

worldwide urinal cake conspiracy planted that bomb?

Pierce is dirty.

See you next month.

Excuse me, Joe's out.

Yep, right here.

Here's my friend.

You better get that videotape, or I don't know if I can hold up my end.

Joe! Mr. Pierce, Quip Williams and Tasha Dexter are on the grounds.

They're the ones that are making things so difficult around here.

Valerie Irons with him?

No, sir.

Like weights without her.

William, I thought I did my best to make you feel unwelcome. The firebomb under

Cleo's car was brewed with isopentane.

Don't you have a couple of million gallons of it lying around?

She's got you eating right out of her hands, doesn't she?

Cleo's specialty is wrapping men around her little finger. Maybe you didn't like

being unwrapped.

Oh, come on, there's a dozen better suspects, believe me.

When Cleo wants something, she just rubs up against the man who can get it.

Problem is that she's rubbed a lot of men the wrong way.

Just ask him.

Or she's still got you fooled with that cute smile and that tight butt, huh?

Pete.

Get them off my property.

Now.

We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

Your choice.

I like the hard way, Pete.

I was hoping you would say that.

property taxes.

She's received 116 variances from the zoning commission, and she's been cited

dozen times by the labor board. All dismissed.

So Pierce's claims might carry some weight.

Gets creepier than that.

Seems the head of all of those agencies were guests of hers at her fashion show.

Payoffs? Yeah, well, Val was digging up info. Maybe she's got something.

Well, we'd have better luck signing it in Shaggy and Scooby -Doo. Not so fast!

Once again, you've underestimated me, Miss Dexter.

I had to rough up a couple people, but I think I got something.

I found she has a room that she watches the shows at, and more importantly, the

audience.

She doesn't allow anybody in, and she keeps her lock and key.

Nice work, Val.

Well, you know, when you work for yourself, you work for a demanding boss.

She tapes her audience, then gets favors from them.

We gotta check out her little fortress of solitude.

Okay, Val, you're the emcee. Create a diversion.

Wear a wig, goofy clothes, run around screaming.

Oh, you know the drill. Val's line of undercover wear is hardly goofy.

Okay? Maybe I can use my cunning genius and come up with a master plan.

We're in trouble.

my calculations estimating the average weight and step of a supermodel the glue

should hold until the second pass on the runway and then kaboom underwear bras

everywhere diversion better yet i acquired some blasting caps it's not too

we don't want to kill them nicky just cripple them

Without my help. You know how much your boy makes on his next film?

Zilch.

I want half of your 10%. Wow, look at the turnout.

Every major city powerboat.

But where's the diversion?

Right on schedule.

Spread out. We need to find Cleo's camera room.

Where's Cleo?

I don't know, but we've got bigger problems. Smell that?

Isopentane. I've had it in my nose for two days. Now I'm smelling it here and a

lot of it.

Some diversion, huh?

There's models everywhere. You've got to scrape them up with a fork.

Val, evacuate the fashion show quickly, but without causing a panic. I'm going

to find Cleo.

This is serious, Val. This whole place could blow up any second.

No time for a clever plan.

I'm forced to be wacky.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Girls, I need your help. It's an emergency. We have to get

everybody out of here and we can't cause a panic.

So, can you help me? Yeah, sure. Anything.

Good. Grab my butt.

What?

Grab my butt!

I'm taking her to the hospital.

Come on.

Doc said to keep you hydrated.

My teeth are floating. I can't do it anymore.

That back office of yours is a regular TV studio.

No, it's not what it looks like.

Good.

Because it looks like you got your guests on candid camera.

Once in a while, I turn the cameras around on the audience.

Just to get some local gossip.

Like the kind that gets you out of 116 zoning citations.

I use whatever influence I have to stay in business.

No different than any other corporate bigwig on this planet.

Not so sure.

God, lighten up, would you?

Not like I murdered anyone.

No?

What do you call it when you shoot a guy before he can expose your operation?

He's going to kill you.

You better start worrying about yourself.

Someone's trying to kill for what's on those tapes.

I swear to you, there are nothing on those tapes with killing over.

But I haven't had the chance.

to thank you for saving my life yet.

I always told you I'd run through fire for you.

The place was a zoo.

Cops, fire, ATF. Forget about that. Is she dead?

No. Quick Williams took her back to her place. In other words, you failed me.

Is that what you're trying to say?

Those oil leases are in jeopardy because of you two, huh?

You see this trophy?

It was awarded to my product company back when I was a lowly VP.

Excellence achieved.

Through discipline.

Teamwork.

Teamwork. Are you part of my team?

Yes, sir. I'm not so sure.

Because on my team, there is no room for failure.

You know, sometimes when things aren't going well, you know what that means?

It means the team is not right.

It's time to make a change.

Now, if Cleo is with Quick, then VIP knows everything. Now, you handle it.

hear me?

I've put together a compilation tape of Cleo's greatest hits.

Drug deals between county administrators.

A labor negotiator taking a kickback.

There must be dozens of losers that want Cleo dead.

Maybe more.

According to this log...

There's still one tape missing. The one in her briefcase.

I bet that's the one the guy in her house was looking for.

Now he's a slab jockey.

Do you think Quick's all right?

He's been with Cleo all night.

Maybe if we can get him to stop doing the knee hole long enough, he'll find us

that missing tape.

coming in it's just how you like it wet and naked hold

that dog baby go and make it fast

hey quick sorry to interrupt okay but we recovered all of cleo's tapes except

for one wasn't with the ones from my house negative i still think there's one

her briefcase all right you guys got to trust me she wants to be straight with

us fine make her queen of quickspill when all this is over but right now we

to get that tape back

You guys will see. Quick will come through.

I don't know. It only takes a little taste of some strange brood of fox's

beams.

Oh, look what the quick brung in.

No briefcase.

Oh.

Oh, what's going on?

Did I do something wrong?

They think there's another tape in the briefcase.

Okay. Yes, there is another tape.

But I swear, there's nothing on it.

I'm glad you said that.

And you don't mind if we watch it, then?

I can't believe you broke into my briefcase.

When my friends are putting their lives on the line for you, you better believe

it.

Not your problem anymore.

You're fired.

Now we'll never know what's on that tape.

You guys have no faith in me.

Never doubt Kay.

I wanted to see what she'd do.

See? I knew my man would come through.

Final offer. Five million for the oil leases.

My friend and I await your answer.

Mr. Pierce, you just bought a friend for life.

Cleo. She's a sitting duck.

Darn it. It's time for the big guns.

What's the word?

She's left VIP by herself.

Looks like she's heading home.

Looks like we're going to find out if my little pep talk paid off. Right, T?

Hi, this is Cleo's cell phone.

That message... Cleo, Pierce is the borrower.

Don't answer the door for anyone.

I'm on my way there now.

I have to keep trying, Cleo.

I'm headed there now.

Look, don't get our last action hero on us, okay? That movie bombed and so will

you. You need our help.

Can't do it, Val.

I'll take care, Cleo.

You guys go head off Pierce.

Perfect. Uh, what?

You don't even know one gun from another.

I know what goes with my undercover wear, okay?

Okay, I don't believe this. She puts on hot pants and now she's a femme Nikita?

That's my favorite gun. Okay, that's my gun.

You're such a baby.

I knew you would follow me.

As I told you, you're fired.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Can I come in, anyone?

I don't have time for you now, Griffin.

Oh, you don't have time for your star. What kind of video director are you,

anyway?

You know, you need to stop playing with gasoline because I think it's kind of

messing with your head.

You taped an associate of mine and me at last month's fashion show. I want the

tape.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, your boy David does.

He's quite an enterprising individual. Now, that information was expensive.

But it's well worth it. Now, I want the tail.

Where is it?

I don't know.

I'm the man trying to kill you.

So I'd think very carefully before I answer that question again.

It's in there.

The VIP will know if you kill me. I don't care if the world knows.

You have to prove it.

And I got the best little Weasley lawyer in town.

Now we're home.

I'm pretty glad to hear where he went.

Well, Starsky and Hutch, get in the back. I'm going to open this baby up.

going to hit fight speed.

These are my wheels.

Yes, and they're ready to roll, so get in.

Don't be such a baby.

Shotgun.

Flash.

I want to sit here next to my ex, honey, for our last video meeting, guys.

Oh, bother.

It's dead.

Maybe I'm out of gas.

What about him?

He must have switched the tape.

Fill the tub with salt water and drown her.

When you're done, put her body in a surf. In the meantime, we're going to

VIP a visit.

Pierce,

I'm not afraid to die.

Are you?

You a bad man, huh?

Why don't we just kick it up a notch?

If you hurt her, what?

I still think this is my job.

Well, I think we have everything under control.

I want all of you to be able to deny you know what's going to happen next.

This is gonna be fun.

I hope you feel that way when I feed you your tea.

Well, I'm not going to hold my breath, that's for sure.

When the police find you two, they're going to conclude that it was a textbook

murder -suicide.

Young love gone bad.

Well, not that young.

Now I see what you mean.

What? No, that's nothing. I mean, this morning Cleo told me she had forgotten

what being around a real man was like.

Do you guys want to grab some cold ones? Don't go bellying up to the bar yet,

boys.

It's closing time. You don't have to go home.

But you can't stay here.

This time it's personal.

Taking your shows, it was a brilliant idea, but you just didn't. You know, the

problem, you just didn't tap its full potential. Now, if you'd have let me in,

oh, we could have had real power.

Real power.

That would have meant getting back in bed with you.

No. Hey.

Say hello to Elvis.

That Cleo may be evil, but she makes some really cool clothes. I feel like a

superhero. Right? I don't know why she's not in the clink, though.

Oh, I spoke to Grisby.

He said an anonymous person broke into a deal with the DA on her behalf.

Really? They can give her a slap on the wrist and use the tapes to clean up City

Hall. Well, it needs it.

Good. Keep it up.

What about you, Val?

Looks like you're still promoting undercover.

I broke that contract, okay?

But I like the clothes. And you know, bodyguarding's dangerous. I gotta take

more seriously. I can't be walking around in all that spandex, really big,

floppy hat stuff.

So, Tasha, what do you have there? I went shopping and got the cutest pink

micro mini.

Oh, my gosh.

This is not my size.

Wow.

That looks like... Val's size.

She would look great in this.

Okay, you guys, I know what you're trying to do. Just forget it.

And matching shoes?

Val, don't fall for this.

You choose?

This is to me. I will not stand for it. No.

And a pink neon boa.

I'm a floppy hat in a car. It's going to be okay.