Original subtitles

Val, you checked yourself ten seconds ago.

I know. We're meeting the vice president of the United States. And the way you

look says a lot about who you are.

All right. For the record, my man Lavelle never mentioned the VP.

He's the VP's secret service agent, right?

In charge of limo detail.

And that's what we're meeting.

Who's inside was too hush -hush to say over the phone.

I can't wait to meet the vice president because I have a lot to talk to him

about. Just don't say anything to embarrass us, okay? What are you talking

about? My ideas are gold.

Ideas? Yes.

I have to talk to him about giving Alaska back to Canada.

Okay, well, you know what? We're going to check it out first.

Don't touch me being here.

Q, your boss back there? Nah, he's in D .C. But this is his psychiatrist, Dr.

Gilbert Kemper. Howdy, brah.

We got Wynn, the Squires of Liberty.

Another one of those nutso militia groups he's trying to kidnap.

Since we're not chartered to protect private citizens, I pay him to you.

Looks like just in time. Take cover.

Uh -oh.

I won't be able to sing happy birthday, Mr. Vice President.

After all.

Okay, think, think, think.

Okay, I'm not going to crack anything.

But forget it. I don't listen to Russia anyway.

movie star asked me out on a date.

I happened to save his life, and so in order to save his life, he told

that I'm a professional bodyguard, which, of course, I am not, trust me. So

I was asked to be a figurehead at a bodyguard agency, and they said I'd

have to use any weapon or be in any danger.

that the Vice President has a favorite pillow he calls Mr.

Squeezy and that he refuses to travel without it?

As a Vice President's analyst, I can't reveal that.

Professional ethics, that sort of thing.

Well, the real question is, why are the Squires of Liberty after you?

Well, have you heard of the McCann Bill?

If it passes, it'll make it easier for the government to use racketeering laws

against hate groups.

The same way they use RICO against the mob.

That's right.

The Senate votes in three days, and it's headed for a tie.

When that happens, the vice president will have to break it.

So the Squires want the dirt that you've got on the VP in order to sway his

vote. Nice plan.

We got our own plan.

Manitou Island.

A deserted naval station located past Catalina.

This is as safe as it gets.

We'll hide you there until after the Senate vote.

But we tell no one, not even Lavelle.

This team has got enough problems without giving the bad guys a second

Who's that supposed to be?

We screwed up today.

What do you mean, we?

Squires, the Liberty didn't seem too impressed with your marksmanship.

You know, I know he's not talking about me.

What, you think he's talking about me?

You weren't exactly a threat to any barns.

Is that so?

Look, shooting is not everything, Tasha. I mean, you throw a knife like a girl.

What, and you saw all that from on your back?

Maybe I should be charging them for help.

You have no idea.

The Navy very old ordinance here until they ran out of island.

Just tell it to the tulips. Big no -no.

Noted. What other security precautions should I be aware of?

Oh, the usual.

Tell them, guys.

Well, the fourth security ring.

First, we rig the buoys around the island with infrared cameras.

We'll set perimeter alarms. Both will be monitored by Kay back at the office.

Then this trip flare rotating censorship.

The only excitement you'll have in the next three days is shuffleboard.

See? These guys are the best. They're just like cruise directors, but with

nasty guns.

Oh, my God, how long have you been here?

I'm sorry, I was in the zone.

I just wanted to thank you for saving my life this morning.

Oh, just think of it as a drive -thru service.

You're modest, not to mention brave.

Me, I'm just sort of glad my head was covered the whole time.

So what's with all these different racks?

Oh, I like to coordinate my wardrobe.

You know, by color, time of day, cloud cover, temperature, night, sunset,

morning, sexy, sporty, beach.

Afternoon tea.

Wow.

I'm impressed.

Gee, the folks at the White House aren't anywhere this organized.

Really? Well, invite me over. I could show them a thing or two.

It's funny you should mention that, because I'm writing a book on

behavior, and I would love to devote a chapter to you.

Me? In a book?

That'd be such a dream. I could write off all of my clothes.

More than that, I want to observe to see how you keep your legendary team

organized and trained.

Oh. So, what's the first move?

Quick and Nicky said they were going to the shooting range.

Sounds great.

You guys, we are so busted.

As soon as he sees me showing you guys what to do, he's going to know that I'm

the Milli Vanilli of bodyguards.

Don't sweat it. While Kemper's around, we'll keep your images a bit shined.

Well, you're going to need a bucket, okay? I don't know anything about guns.

and sound like us.

I'll clue in Tasha and Johnny.

Good. Finally, being the figurehead around here is going to be a piece of

You don't miss a detail, no matter how seemingly insignificant.

Well, the more insignificant, the better.

Get ready to shoot.

On your mark.

Get set.

Shoot it!

Okay, that was okay.

Let's try it again.

Ready?

Somebody wasn't using the force.

Yeah, well, your heavy breathing threw me off.

After what happened this morning?

Don't even try and blame me. Why not?

Maybe I should worry about you blowing us all up.

If I were you, I'd worry about getting my boot caught up your ass. Oh, well,

come on, bring it, baby.

Yeah? Bring it!

Excuse me, is there a problem here?

No. I better go check the relays and the motion detectors.

Make sure no one's screwed up.

Yeah, you do that.

Being snippy is a technique I developed for shooting under pressure.

Quick wanted me to let you know that Dr.

Kemper is as safe as a bug in a rug.

Good. I just can't tell you where that rug is.

That's cool.

I don't want to know.

It's not safe that way.

I'll call back tomorrow to check in, all right?

Please do.

It's really lonely with everyone gone.

Okay, bye.

Secret service ain't so secret.

Lucky for us, unlucky for him.

Hold down the straight.

See how well the government trains these guys.

Hey, Doc.

What are you thinking?

Nothing.

No, I sense tension in the group. Maybe I can help.

I don't know how to say this, and don't take it personal, but I think your

profession's full of crap.

Sorry.

You never felt better after talking to someone?

I take it this morning wasn't a picture -perfect operation.

Seen better autopsy photos.

Luckily, they weren't you.

Well, I had a bag over my head, so I didn't see much.

What do you think went wrong?

Everybody was off.

I was set to drop a bomb on a couple of pods.

Then I got blinded by this reflection and had to drop my flashback.

If I had my blinders, I mean, no problem, but I left them in the car.

What was Val doing while all this was going on?

Val's the best. I mean, she does stuff with explosives that... She's amazing.

That whole month I got their main force.

Go back and let her down.

Where's Kemper?

Or maybe you're tired of breathing.

Protecting Kemper means I'm protecting the vice president.

You're going to have to kill me. Hold on.

I got something more reliable than sodium pentothal.

There you go.

Sort of like a high -tech Star 69.

Hello, VIP.

Hello, is anyone there?

Very simple move, but to the novice's eye, it's going to look very impressive,

yeah?

Like that.

Yeah, right. Well, you must live in loopy town because I can't do that.

Oh, come on. Get as close as you can and some confidence.

You'll never tell.

That's it.

Okay, a lot more confidence.

More confident.

Hi.

Hey. Hey, you know, one of my clients is a martial arts star on TV.

He gave me some lessons.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So how would you work with an amateur like me?

Watch closely because I'm only going to do this once.

Any questions?

Oh, I missed it.

Well, then you must really not want to learn it.

Oh, I see what you're doing. Guilt is a very powerful tool.

No, it's not. Tasha and Johnny, they do it much slower. It's much easier to

follow.

Ready?

Ready.

I'll let you know if you hit like a girl.

Okay. You're good, Bullis.

All right.

Puts it all into perspective.

If I had your yesterday, sunshine on the water wouldn't show.

I'm alive.

Thanks to you and the rest of VIP.

Thank you, but... But what?

The team.

We came away wounded.

How can I help?

A rematch with the Squires of Liberty would be nice.

What would you have done differently?

Block out.

All distractions.

No excuses.

Visualize my attack.

Set out everything else.

Concentrate.

But I don't know. One of our flashbangs threw me off.

That grenade just took me out of the moment.

Well, I'm still alive.

Thanks in part to you.

Of course you're great, otherwise Val wouldn't have put you on her team.

Val's the best.

Did you see her during the office?

Yeah, I mean, it was pretty amazing, actually.

Never. We would have never escaped.

and lived to tell the tale.

What are you looking for, you creep?

You'd better watch your tail, you're disabled.

Only one way for me to find out.

I'm going in.

Okay, Buster.

You're on my turf now.

I'll be filed for it. He must be after one of them.

What'd you get?

Not much.

They threw up a firewall in the form of this tasty blonde.

You can't forget to wave because you haven't had a date in a while. I was

tracing a hardcore communications link. It terminates somewhere past Catalina,

but I couldn't isolate it.

A couple islands there we could check out.

I got somebody at Catalina who can recon a lot faster than, uh... Oh.

Quick!

Quick! Have you heard from Kay? She was supposed to check in an hour ago.

No, it's not like her.

I know, I'm really upset. She was supposed to tape an Animal Planet

me on Whalesong.

Among, um, other really important bodyguard stuff.

You know, I'll just stay here if that's okay with you, Quick.

Yeah, it's fine with me. Just, uh...

Watch your step. This place is rigged with... Blair!

Sorry, sorry.

My bad, everybody.

My bad.

Sorry, quick.

No, no, no, it's my fault. I didn't set him up the way you instructed.

Do you want me to help out? Nope.

I'll be fine.

Just, uh... I'll be fine.

Is it hard to admit that you're wronged about?

Well, thankfully it doesn't happen much.

That was the best.

Like the stuff she pulled off yesterday, man.

Amazing stuff.

She was quite the busy beaver.

What about you?

Well, to tell you the truth, it wasn't my finest hour.

It was one hell of a fire zone.

Now, get up!

Stop hissing and training yourself not to blink.

We should have taken out the guy with the smoke bombs, but we didn't.

I lost my shot. I never got it back. I mean, I couldn't risk hitting you or one

of the other team.

It was Val who turned the tide.

You better believe it.

She's the reason that you and I are still standing here.

all by yourself?

Well, at least you know I know you didn't do it because the phone's still

piece. Hey, listen, I thought communications were your thing.

Hey, I'm not even going to reply to that, otherwise you might be on the

again. Why don't you let your girlfriend defend herself?

Look, I'm not his girlfriend, okay?

Get over it. Back up on her. What are you going to do about it? I don't even

appreciate that. Listen, I'm coming out. Oh,

good.

Something's wrong with our phones.

Oh, do you want to use mine?

Let me turn it on.

Hello?

Yeah, it's for you.

Kay? Hey!

I have been trying to get a hold of you for the last two hours.

Tasha's scanning your phone.

Get a hold of us for what?

I think your location has been compromised.

Tasha?

Someone on your end is monitoring this call.

Ask her to take Animal Planet.

Or she wasn't an island girl.

Squire's Liberty know we're here.

They won't use a helicopter for a surprise attack.

They'll have to boat it.

That gives us two hours. We can hit the road ourselves.

I like our chances on dry land better.

Agreed.

So we stick it out and let them bring the game to us.

The kick -ass VIP style.

Right?

True that.

Absolutely.

Why make you nervous? Because it's starting to make me very nervous.

Me? Nervous?

Never.

How's that weapons check coming?

You asked two minutes ago.

It's going fine. Leave us alone.

Okay.

Shrinks make me a little self -conscious.

Why? Because you can't say anything without getting analyzed.

Well, that's not true. Does bodyguarding influence everything you do?

No. Of course not.

I mean, you know, it's like when you meet somebody. I naturally start

their vulnerabilities.

Just like when I first walk into a room.

I always look for an escape route.

But that stuff's just automatic. I don't think about it.

Have you ever been in therapy?

I was in couple therapy once with my ex -husband.

He was a dentist.

You know, but why should you be nervous? You're being guarded by the great

Valerie Iron.

I know. She's the best.

I bet she was amazing yesterday.

As a matter of fact, she was.

Now that Val, she's tough.

She taught me everything I know.

All of your colleagues have lavished praise on her.

Almost as much as they've criticized themselves.

I guess I'm no exception.

You know, every day I try to push myself to live up to my own capabilities.

Let's go!

Fierce is not an equation.

Somebody dropped a knife out of my hand.

Friendly fire.

You're only human.

Bill, I set high goals for myself. I don't like to come up short.

Miss Dexter, I have been listening to you and your colleagues very carefully.

And you are one of the most dysfunctional groups I have ever met.

You've all been embellishing your story.

Why, I don't know, but until we get to the bottom, you're never again going to

work effectively in a team.

So for your well -being and my own safety, I insist on talking to Val

immediately.

He wants to hear your version of yesterday.

Well, why do you have to tell him?

Val, there's no time for that.

Why is Liberty going to be here anyway?

Val, just tell him anything. He had a hood over his head.

I appreciate what you guys have done, but honesty is the best part.

So, I'll just tell him that I was in the thick of things and that I saved the

day like I always do.

Well, that didn't happen. You were locked in the car.

I know, silly.

I'll just tell him what would have happened.

You'll see. Everything will be okay.

He said until he got to the bottom that he didn't like our chances against

Squire's liberty.

Not the only one.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Well, it was yesterday, yeah.

Oh.

Tasha told me to wait in the car until the coast was clear.

But the terrorists came in like a pack of flying monkeys.

Didn't sit still.

but you can't pick on this.

This is a symbol of my adopted country. You pick on this, you pick on me. The

home of the brave.

Just another day in the life of VIP.

Time. I want to shrink alive.

As far as VIP, the dead are the better.

No problem.

sure it's not just a blown fuse.

I have my blow dryer warming up in the next room.

Not this time, Val.

All right, once we hit the flare line, we got two minutes to make it happen.

I've discovered something you should all know.

We should split up.

Hap should go east to lure away the intruders. The other goes with the doc.

What I have to say has a direct bearing on this.

I'm gonna go east.

So will I.

Me too. We all can't go east.

Why can't we just stay here and pretend nobody's home?

Val's right.

Splitting up would be the worst thing you can do.

Doc, these guys aren't trick -or -treaters out to get candy.

They want your head.

Look, all of you sense that this team is out of whack, right? If you just would

listen to each other, you'd understand why.

All right, I know our recollections of yesterday are not exactly in sync with

each other, but they are.

You see, Belle's story is cloaked in modesty because she knows you've all put

her too high on a pedestal.

Uh, Dr. Camper, I can assure you that...

Not it.

Val, always the humble one. You should hear the stories about you.

See, they know they can't live up to your standards, so they totally

everything you do, even if you try to underplay it.

Is this going somewhere, Doc?

You've all embellished Val's exploits to cover your own feelings of inadequacy.

Nikki had her batting grenades like she was Mark McGuire.

Johnny said she was the next Bruce Lee.

Quick had her shooting guns like she was Annie Oakley.

And Tasha... No, her story was just too bizarre to repeat.

You need to all get real.

You can't all be Val.

Now, as soon as you acknowledge your limitations, you'll proceed with

and hopefully do a better job saving my ass.

I don't feel so good.

Obviously, that doc's a quack.

But it's what Val said that made me think.

Yeah, like maybe if we'd hit Locker in the car.

It might have gone down, just like she said.

Well, no maybes about it.

Listen, Val's the ex -factor that makes this whole team work.

That's right. She's that variable that the bad guys can never calculate.

So we're in this together.

Yeah. We can't shut her out again.

No matter how much we want to.

Well, not if we want to live.

Hey, wait a second.

Are you guys having a...

Stop eating without me.

Where's Kemper?

He's having a little tummy problem. He's blowing chunks right over there.

Val, we're sorry we locked you in the car.

You are?

Well, it's okay. I mean, everything worked out cool.

Don't worry about it.

Let's just kick some butt like we used to. Come on!

One, two, three.

Let's play something!

My bad, guys.

Especially since the group was on the verge of a major recovery.

Watch yourself in the dark, jerkwad.

The phosphorus charge is all over the beach.

That's slightly just more original than look out behind you.

Lose the guns.

Why should we?

We know you're not going to hurt him.

And this game's even.

Four on four.

Check again, sports fans.

That's it, man.

Last time we weren't at our best.

Now we got our dinking weapon back.

So that was your secret weapon?

ending to your book.

No one will believe it, but it's going to be good.

That'll be good.

Come on.

Feels good to be back in the groove.

You gotta hand it to Val. She doesn't know how lucky we are.

Yeah, you know, she balances out the team.

She brings out the best in us.

She's more than just a figurehead.

That's cool, but what I meant was we're lucky she didn't set those flares off by

us. We'd have been toast.

47.

48.

49.

I've managed to find an early edition of Dr.

K's book on the Internet.

What did he say about that?

I'm looking.

Scanning for occurrences of valves.

Nope.

Scanning for iron.

Nope.

I'll look for the word lawn.

He totally dissed me and asked her I taught him how to pack for a book tour.

Wait a sec.

His foreword is dedicated to a Ms.

X, to whom I owe my life and who I shall repay by leaving needless.

Retelling her accomplishment would only intimidate the reader because no one

can hope to achieve her level of expertise.

Well, that's a badass compliment.

Yeah, I wonder who he's talking about.

I'm going to order three dozen copies.

off my butt some more.