Original subtitles

I can't believe we made it all the way from Malibu to Chinatown in this

rickshaw. We couldn't run over by a bus.

See? I know me a dozen fortune cookies.

I know they're here somewhere.

I smell them.

You're right.

I know the perfect place to buy fortune cookies.

We have your father in a safe place, but not for long.

Then we have to hurry. You have the box?

The box of Kai Tong.

Kidding. It wasn't easy.

Victor Tang thinks he owns it.

Victor.

It's Victor Tang's mail.

The box of Kai Tong belongs to the people.

My father, Lu Shan, will use it to speak out for democracy.

See, they understand.

They need someone to hunt the box.

We will marry a beautiful rock star.

Like that's going to happen.

Here, you try one.

No, you're going to bite it first.

It's not going to come through.

We could be in some trouble.

That's a sucky fortune. Get another one.

No, but I mean it.

You hold the fate of millions in your hand.

I'll find you.

Val, get out of here. Val, get out of here. Go, go.

Just a girl working at a hot dog stand when a movie star asked me out on a

I happened to save his life, and so in order to save his life, he told

that I'm a professional bodyguard.

Which, of course, I am not. Trust me. So then I was asked to be a figurehead at

a bodyguard agency, and they said I'd never have to use any weapon or be in

danger. And I always am.

Fates of millions tremble at my might.

Hear me!

Why would anyone want a Swiss cheese from shop or from box?

I think there's more to it.

This resembles the legendary box of Kai Tong.

It dates back 3 ,000 years to the Cho Dynasty. Kate, you have such a weird

wealth of information.

Actually, there's a Jackie Chan website with a link to ancient Chinese

artifacts. Did you know Jackie has broken 21 bones?

Kai Tong freed the Chinese people from the rule of an evil tyrant. The box

not only the key to freedom, but also a secret fortune.

It's a puzzle box. There's usually some kind of hidden chamber inside.

Well, someone must have found what's inside by now.

Maybe not.

According to legend, the box can only be opened by someone pure of heart.

Let's just blow it up and pick through the rubble. I wouldn't advise it.

The real owner might not like it.

Where are you going?

Out.

Who put the cayenne in his shorts?

Here, have a fortune cookie. That'll sort things out.

He didn't even bite it.

I don't know, Val. I mean, this whole... fortune thing is really interesting.

Well, if they held the key to someone's fortune, I'm sure someone would have

figured it out by now and opened the sucker.

Maybe. And you can put bracelets in there. You can put your hairpins, your

little, like, um, masks and your... Have you been going through my drawers

again? No. Not at all.

Oh.

Oh, look.

What the fuck?

What thing lies in the hands of the free?

Gosh, that could be the key to the whole puzzle.

You know what that means?

You're the one with pure heart.

Me? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, it has been a while.

Anyway,

we've got to go. We've got to go. We've got to check this thing out. Let's go,

Mama. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Come on.

Let me see if I got this straight.

You personally delivered my three million in cash to the seller, correct?

Yes, Victor, of course. I guarded it with my life.

Then why is the box not sitting here in front of me right now?

It was diverted before we got there. The woman with the box, she is the daughter

of Lushan.

Lushan? The freedom fighter?

Yes. She said the box belonged to the people. The people.

Now, what would they do with the secret fortune from old capitalism?

The box of kaitan belongs to me and the fortune that comes with it.

Victor, we would have retrieved it, but Valerie Irons stepped in. You brought

Valerie Irons into this.

You'll be glad you told me that.

Victor.

That's not very nice.

That's him. That's the guy.

your thing.

Well, Victor, I happen to know that you're after a certain box.

Take a break, fellas.

The man has some business to take care of.

Your men are getting slow, Victor.

Perhaps you'd like to train them.

My offer from last year still stands.

Can't take your money.

You still owe me.

That's why I'm here.

No debt.

I've searched for the box of kaitong half my life.

A king's ransom, the legend says.

You know, Victor, in Lushan's hands, the box could mean dignity for our people.

I earned my dignity the old -fashioned way, by turning my enemies into

fertilizer.

Some of them were your enemies, too, as I recall.

How long was your sister in a sweatshop before I freed her?

I'm going to give you that box, Victor, but you better call your goons back,

okay? No one needs to get hurt.

You'll do your family proud.

Come on, guys.

We can take these apes.

Nice engine.

I thought you needed backup.

Looks like you're pretty cozy.

A friend of yours?

Yes.

I know he doesn't listen.

If I do not have the box in my hand by tomorrow, I will know you cannot be

trusted.

Your friend will be dead, or with anyone who stands between me and the box of

kaito.

Oh, one more dumpling. You're going to have to put me on a platter with hoikun

sauce. That's because you should be bargain shopping with me and stop

Hey, girl.

Get some of these. I got some kaits. I got a chia buddha. And you know what? I

even got some of Tony's handcuffs. Yep. Oh,

my God. Oh, my God. That's the symbol that matches the map.

My nose is working. Yeah, you better work your nose, honey, and sniff that

treasure out. That's right. You know what that means, though? What? It's a

promotional gimmick. No!

Garbage, garbage.

Well,

goodbye, San Juan, Maine.

Hello, dumplings on grand.

No shopping on Rodeo. That trip to Bali is over.

Well, at least we got a nifty box out of the deal.

Max, box lady, two o 'clock.

I meant you no harm.

Oh, sorry. I should write back.

Look, we have the box, but I don't think we should give it to you if you're

going to be a stockaholic like this.

Please, that box holds the key to everything my father stands for.

No, honey, that box holds a promotional map. They took you for a ride and it

wasn't an S .K .A.

My father's location is hidden on a map inside the box. Bring me to it.

Does it have, like, strange little writing with a black border around it?

do you have it?

Not exactly.

Have

you

seen this ugly man?

Well, in that case, I will take a chocolate.

This is my father.

After Bobby Wu was shot, that map was the only way to find him.

Your friend who was shot, he hid your father, so he's safe? Only if we find

before the Chinese soldiers do. The government doesn't want my father to get

hands on Kai Tong. They want it for themselves.

Well, anyone here have a knockoff? I bought a Louis Vuitton bag once for 20

bucks. Total fake. Still have my wallet, pepper spray, a light -based oil pad,

and fake ID.

Kai, you don't need a fake ID anymore.

Speak for yourself.

Please, you have to help me find my father.

There. I hacked into the CIA database.

Let's see.

Freedom Fighters domestic.

Freedom Fighters international.

China.

It doesn't seem to be a record of a lose -con.

Could it be an alternate spelling?

This is a waste of time. You destroyed the map and you can do nothing.

Now there's someone who can help us.

Have fun doing bourbon shooters with Victor Chang.

You met with Victor Chang?

Chinese mobster?

Wait a second. I'm sure Johnny has an explanation.

I was protecting you.

Listen to me. If we don't return that box to him, there will be bloodshed.

Okay, everybody. We just have to take this one step... Val, you don't make

policy decisions for the agency.

There's only one sane way to handle this. First, we make sure Diana's

safe. Second, we let him decide how to handle Victor Chang in the box.

That's what I was saying.

Anyway, I have an appointment with Max from Chinatown. I'll meet you there.

Bye.

I knew I could count on you.

Give me a break.

Every angle is cut to perfection. This is an exquisite piece of workmanship.

I was just thinking the same thing.

Anyway, we just need you to make a little replica. You just need the

compartments and stuff like that. Yeah, you know, to hold your earrings,

jewelry, the math book with the phone number of that special someone.

These drawers are lined with Chinese silk.

Oh, I heard. Did you think of something?

Yeah, you know, all we need is a prototype for a mass production. Maybe

a piece of the action.

Now, don't start giving away our profits.

We never give it away, Val.

On the first date, anyway.

I think you'll want to know this. Ray, got that look again.

Sit down.

Chinese soldiers are in Los Angeles.

They've ordered to get Lushen in the box.

All right.

Johnny Lowe had his chance.

Go to VIP and give me that box now.

What about the army?

They'll have to be content with the old man.

Um, we're looking for this man. Have you seen him? His name is Lushan.

Sixteen shops, two temples, an incense factory.

No word on Lushan.

I'm not really surprised.

The Chinese community is very tight -lipped with outsiders.

Maybe Johnny and Diana had better luck.

What could happen?

You mean to tell me that no one around here is seeing the guy?

Come on, Val. We turned this neighborhood inside out.

When it comes to bodyguarding, Val... Let's just say you're an excellent

figurehead. That guy looks like he's up to something. He's been spying on us.

That's right.

Good.

Okay.

I got you now.

Seven.

Eight. One more. Come on. One.

That's it. Three. Good. Four. Five.

Come on.

Work it, Jake.

Out in the road.

We're in the road, you guys.

No, it's Billy's wife.

Hi. You guys work on your technique.

Walk by face, not by sight. Hi, Bella. How are you doing?

These are my students practicing their street fighting technique.

Oh, yeah, you know, I've always tried to get these guys down to your studio to

do that bow tie stuff.

Not bow tie. Tie bow.

Tie bow.

I knew that. I knew that.

Let's get involved.

Tie bow.

What are you talking about?

i'm trying to stop

Yeah, right. Come on.

Get up.

Get up.

All right, yes, you will, Rollerboy. And you know why? You don't mess with

everybody around here, okay? She'll, like, hit you sideways, and Valerie will

probably want to prove it in your outfit, I'm sure. So come on, spill.

Do what you will. I will not betray Lushan.

Betray him?

Listen, we're the good guys.

We don't have much time. Why don't you tell us what you know?

How do I know I can trust you?

Are you kidding?

This is Valerie Iron. The most trustworthy woman in America.

Not to mention Japan, China, the Antarctica.

That's right.

And you know what? Lushan's daughter is the one who sent us here, so maybe we

won't talk to her.

Okay. I'll tell you where to find Lushan.

The boy on the rollerblades said a small group of resistors were sheltering my

father in this building.

Big gun, baby.

You trying to blow out your guns?

Leave me alone.

At least nobody got hurt back there.

It must blow having a dad in the freedom fighting business.

No, it's the greatest honor.

Is that why you're pissed all the time?

I've been checking your description of dragon tattoos in Jane's online book of

military symbols.

Seems the soldiers who kidnapped your father were members of the Chinese Red

Guard. They're soulless machines.

They entered the country under diplomatic cover. Their names are

the address is listed as the Chinese Consulate.

Can you give us a bird's eye?

I can tap into the GPS.

Sector 7, Sector 31A.

Looks like they're getting pretty cozy with their next -door neighbor.

Come on, it's only a dot.

Listen, I may not know Chinese culture, but I do know what guys like to do when

they're out of town.

1600 Alameda.

That would be the Celestial Steam Bath, a popular yet discreet relaxing spot for

embassy guests since 1979.

That's where our bad guys are.

Val and Johnny are near.

They can check it out.

In a quick sense, we have to get to the Celestial Steam Bath right away. Okay,

but we have to do this thing after we go to the Celestial Steam Bath. Oh, you

know what? I have an idea how to get inside.

Of course you do.

That's when you're the boss.

Yeah, I could do that.

Yeah.

Hello.

Hi. Can I help you?

No, actually, I was thinking I could help you. I heard you need an extra pair

hands around here, and I'm quite the handy girl, if you know what I mean.

What's your specialty?

Oh, a little bit of everything.

Acupuncture, acupressure, aromatherapy, aquavelva.

Manly, yes, but I like it too.

Felt it.

That's time solved.

So? You feel like you're lying in a lovely meadow, doesn't it? Yeah, not

interested. Excuse me. Excuse me. Where do you want this?

Look, we didn't order any water.

You didn't? No. You know, I'm new on this route, and maybe I got the wrong

address here.

Great.

Great, great.

You know, I could make you lap that up.

Hmm.

Oh, uniform. What kind of uniform is that?

Whoa, uh, Harbor Patrol. American.

I guess I'm not a typical client here, but here I am.

I haven't seen you before.

Oh, well, I'm new. I mean, I'm just new here, but I can do anything it is that

you want me to do.

Well, how about it? I think I pulled my thigh.

Do you mind if I start at your back?

Whatever you say.

So, you know, I think the thing about wearing the towel... for the customer.

Well, you know, I just, I'm a stickler for following the rules.

No complaint.

You actually have really nice legs when you do this.

Oh, thank you.

I'm really glad you don't have back hair.

Do you use lotion?

Yeah. When I'm sun tanning, I use SPF 10 and I use an after sun moisturizer

sometimes so I can keep my tan one week longer.

No, I meant for my back.

Yeah.

Do you do this often?

Not often enough, because I have another job, and I'm just unusually busy at my

other job as a welder.

Like in Flash, too?

I love that movie.

I guess so.

Oh, uh, sorry.

Let's just try a hand massage.

Oh, wow.

All right, see if you press the right spot, right there.

It makes you think you're in heaven, looking at an angel.

Do you have a card? Yeah, I left one at the front desk. Thanks.

Miss!

I am so funny sometimes.

My lower back!

You've come to the right place.

What are you waiting for?

Hot wax?

What's that?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Massage does not work. Something stronger.

Okay. I think you have a little scoliosis and you need some acupuncture.

The function does not work either.

General,

the freighter will be ready ahead of schedule.

We can leave tonight.

And what of Lushan?

Already aboard.

If he knows where the box is, he's not talking.

Well, it's a long trip home. Maybe we can do something to change his mind.

This might sting a bit.

General, are you okay?

Oh, never better. The staff here is superb, and that woman was an angel.

They have Lushan going out in a freighter tonight.

Which freighter? We're in L .A. and there's a couple dozen ships a day, and

there's the Long Beach. I'm trying to find out for you right now. Chinese

consulate. Hello.

Chinese consulate? This is Mrs. Milcher of the U .S.

Agricultural Service, and I need to inform you that I just now received your

Form 22 -EB, the one for the livestock quarantine, which, unfortunately for

is for that ship that's scheduled to embark later this evening.

What the hell would you like me to do about it?

Sir? I'm going to ask you not to use language like that with an officer of

.S. Agricultural Service.

All our papers in order.

Well, maybe I'm not reading the name of the ship properly.

The Lane Victory?

The Lane Victory.

Well, there's your problem.

We had you down as the Titanic.

Bye.

Nice work, Kay. Probably sending some pizzas tomorrow.

We only have a few hours. Let's find the lame victory.

And then what, stroll up on the bone for the whole Chinese army?

Would you ask me to not even try?

I'm asking you to let us do our job. We're good at it.

What would you do if it were your father?

Thanks for meeting me here.

I hope this is what you had in mind.

That is perfect. You are the Michelangelo of Balsawood. That should

crazy Guggenheim Museum.

You know what? No charge for the bag, all right? I'm going to go get you the

original.

You know what? I think the Harbor Patrol is one of the better armed forces.

You know, all the sunshine.

There's not too many wars on the coast.

And I think the salt air is really good for your skin. Can you please hold this

for a second?

Sal, it's Victor Chang.

Listen, no matter what happens, you let me do the talking. Yeah? Not a word.

Okay?

Hey, Victor.

Listen, we were just going to get the box to give it to you. Really? Just

a little shopping on the way.

Yeah.

Valerie Irons here, she has nothing to do with it.

This is stuff we picked up from the fish market.

I don't think you want to ruin your manicure.

Nice try.

I thought you could distract me from seeing this.

I expected resistance.

Obviously, your reputation as a fierce warrior is undeserved.

Tell him that I'm Valerie Irons. Of course he knew I had the box.

He doesn't know that I'm a... A fake.

Victor has the fake box.

I switched the boxes when we left the woodcutter.

Um, I didn't because I didn't want to bother you with, you know, those extra

bodyguard deals.

Fine. Okay, fine. I'm not a real bodyguard.

Look, we better get moving because I don't know how much time that bothered.

All right?

It looks like not enough.

Leave my boss in two hours or you will die in three.

Victor's man is still out there.

Yeah, and they'll make no show out of us if we leave the building unless we hand

over the box.

Well, we can't do that because Derry Diana's dad needs it to rally rebel

against the dreaded Death Star.

Something like that.

Diana's dad's going to be Shanghai to Beijing unless we move in the next five

minutes. Decision time.

Save dad or save the box with some other freedom fighter.

Tasha's right. You need a plan.

You can start by checking dock 14 at San Pedro Pier.

That's where you'll find the lame victory.

The Red Guard's going to be crawling all over it. We can't just go in and

capsize it.

There is another option.

Yeah.

Then there's Victor Chang.

Victor Chang? No, bud.

You'd rather laugh.

Who said anything about asking?

One man in uniform is worth a thousand without.

I know what this means.

You guys, I'll be right back.

I told you not to disturb me.

Giant Lou has just left the VIP building.

He has caused me much humiliation.

The box of Kai Tong belongs on display at my house right now.

Will we unlock the secret to the hidden treasure?

We could follow him and see if he has the box.

Good.

Take me to him.

When I get the box, I want him dead, him and all his friends.

We're in position.

Quick. Looks like old Johnny's here.

Looks like showtime.

Good morning, gentlemen.

From the Port of Los Angeles Welcoming Committee, I have something for the

general.

Welcome aboard the people's battleship.

Is that what I think it is?

What the hell is he doing?

Giving the box to the folks.

Oh, I'll get fire.

Cannot risk damaging the box.

Looks like everything's in ship shape.

Not quite.

Big trouble in little China.

Why don't they ever listen?

Oh.

Chuck, how did you know?

It is my honor to present this to you.

You know, I'm an absolute appalled. I can't even punch.

Sucker number one is right.

Now for sucker number two.

Stop! Stop!

Why can't I just make money?

It's funny. You don't look Chinese.

I'd go as money as girl. And if money says you're dead.

Money lies.

He's grown so much.

Please, Father, come with me now.

Diana's handiwork.

You're a death.

You saved my life.

Lay down your arms. You are all under arrest by the authority of the Harbor

Throne. Repeating, you are all under arrest... Better get out of here.

And, Victor, my family dad paid.

Right. No!

Fine, now, sucker.

Oh, okay, that's Japanese.

In Chinese, you'd say... Which means?

His garments are soaked in the briny tears of defeat.

Whatever.

You're not really my type, but I'm really glad I got your card.

Oh, which way did Lolita go?

Thank you, Valerie, for

all your help.

We could use a courageous warrior like you in our fight.

Well, I've never been to China.

We need her too much here.

Well, if you ever change your mind.

Thanks for believing in me.

All of you.

You kicked a pretty good booty, girl.

Oh, what am I thinking?

The box. The box. I hid the box. You guys are never going to believe where I

it. Oh, let me guess. In the laundry room.

Wait, no. Val, no. We're going there.

Val, you put it in the freezer?

But the wood could contract in there.

I thought the freezer was a really good place to hide it because there's just

way too many numbers in that combination on the wall safe.

Kate's right. That piece does look kind of loose.

What did you do, Val?

What? What? I just fixed it right here.

Awesome.

The goddess of Kai Tong.

That's the secret fortune the legend speaks of.

It was part of the box all along.

Oh, that's great.

That's really good, you guys.

Could you help me?

Bring it over here. Bring it over here. Are you ready?

I can't quite get up.

Thank you very much.

Thank God for me.