Original subtitles

Put that memento -scented candle in your bathroom. Ew. Take it to your own

bathroom. Ah, medical alert.

Hey, G. G -O -R. G -O -R. G -O -R.

Hey,

you, get back here.

Nice and easy and no one gets hurt.

Maybe not so cute.

Back off or I'll blow their brains out.

back of a raggedy sewing car.

I've got this handled, okay, Max?

I have a mother.

Right. But you're baggage.

Look it. My mother's coming in town, and I just thought maybe you could relate,

okay? Everyone has a mother.

Oh, your mother's coming in town, and when did you plan on telling me that? It

was about the minute thing, Max. I was going to tell you. Oh, yeah, so when was

I supposed to find out? When I walk out of my radio backup and there she is

eating her Cocoa Pops?

No, both of you.

I was in the cafeteria, and I hear Mr. Z order apple crumb cake, and I say, too

bad you can't have a nonfat grande latte with that. And so he says to the

cafeteria lady, order an espresso machine. She looks at me, and I look

like, hey, don't look at me.

Uh, maybe I missed something?

Then I mention my daughter Valerie, how she loves the espresso at the Coffee

Bean in L .A., and out of nowhere, Mr. Z says, go visit her there, AEP, all

expenses paid.

It's going to be really interesting.

What? Traveling first class?

Seeing Valerie.

You know, she's not working at that hot dog stand anymore. She has her own

delivery service.

I worry about all the loonies on the roads down there, but, you know, she

it's not as wild as people think.

Roger that. The suspect is surrounded.

Relax, guys. It's Valerie Irons.

Take him down. Now.

Marco Bilac.

I know this guy.

Don't be dainty.

He busted up a couple of our guys' last arrest.

That's a shame.

Good -looking guy like that. He missed out on a home -cooked meal.

Dessert, apple peach pumpkin pie, chocolate cake.

That's mine.

That's right.

I remember your mom's visiting.

I know where to find you, Valerie. I... I was just a

girl working at a hot dog stand when a movie star asked me out on a date.

I happened to save his life, and so in order to save his, he told everybody

I'm a professional bodyguard.

Which, of course, I am not. Trust me. So then I was asked to be a figurehead at

a bodyguard agency, and they said I'd never have to use any weapons or be in

danger. And I always am.

And I just found out this morning. I told you. Oh, I hate when you bring

on me last minute. Oh, by the way, Mom's Eve, Daddy, you're snowmobiling into

the weekend.

Well, this is Mommy because Daddy's dead. Oh, see what I'm saying about

things on me in the last minute?

Sorry, how'd that happen? Okay, it was a long time ago. I was teaching Bulgarian

peasants how to remove teethy flies. Oh, what a way to go.

Oh, Matt. Huh?

When my mom comes, just remember she knows nothing about what I do for a

okay? Give it to yourself.

Is there a reason why we're keeping her windshield fogged?

I just don't think she'll understand.

You know, we're very different.

It was so nice of Mr.

Zupo to send a car for me.

Ms. Iris, Mr. Zupo wanted me to make sure you had his package.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, come on.

You want to test the new software?

Give me a name.

Someone you'd like to check up on.

Oh, come on, Dinsman, you're head of security? Think of someone.

Diana Neff.

Lives in Glastonbury. No need for an address.

The Big Brother software watches everyone, everywhere.

Diana and her new roommate seem to be renting quite a few videos together.

your ex, right, Dinsman?

All right, we get the idea.

So, it's ready for rollout.

Well, not quite.

I still have some new coding I have. It worked fine.

Really?

Wait a minute, what's going on?

We agreed.

To make the world a better place?

Yeah, well, I spoke too soon.

The software's worth a billion dollars. You can't just give it away. To law

enforcement.

To track terrorists.

Now, see, that's who we sell it to.

Copy it onto a dick, Kyle.

I can't.

Shoot him.

No, no, I swear.

It's just a test version.

The new coating's on its way to our L .A. plant.

Hand -delivered.

Okay.

I'll bite.

Who's the courier?

A gal from customer service.

You don't know her.

Carol Irons.

Okay, my gorgeous poll workers.

Did you read that one -minute manager?

Because that's about all the time I have for this.

Just a little organization, Tasha.

Blowing things up should be number one.

But you have plenty of time to use that C5 stuff.

C4.

Maybe it's time to upgrade.

Okay, first, bathrooms.

Check this out.

What is that, some kind of love spot?

No. I was trying to use that hand dryer thingy on the wall as a blow dryer, and

it stuck my hair into it. Why don't we just buy a real hair dryer?

Best Buy is having a sale on one with 12 different settings, from Arctic Black

to Satan's Lana.

Thank you, Kay.

Um, second, I think maybe in our spare time we should become like a delivery

service. What are you kidding?

We make heavy Kwan cloaking the rich and famous.

Delivery's for wusses. Well, maybe.

But, you know, don't you find that we're wasting a lot of time around here

playing with computers and washing guns?

But in staff meetings.

Exactly. So, I think we should do something in our spare time. So, I made

T -shirts.

Gallery Irons Deliveries.

Val, those are the shirts I had made for our office assistant.

You have sewn over the P in the VIP logo.

What is going on?

Okay, you've beaten it out of me.

My mother's coming from Vancouver.

Oh, well, let me guess.

Your dear sweet mom has no idea what you do for a living, does she?

I don't even know what you do. What do you do?

Thank you.

What's talking with number three, airport shuttle?

Well, my mother's coming in and we need to pick her up at the airport.

And you're including us, why?

Because, you know, I've told my mom a lot about my co -workers at V .I .D.

And plus, if I have to be alone with her for more than one minute, she drives me

nuts.

Excuse me, Mrs.

Irons. Would you please come with us?

What? Who are you?

Just come with us before it gets nasty.

I think the nasty ship has already sailed.

Check it out.

Public transportation is like a freak mag.

That's not a freak. That's my mother.

Trouble. Let's rock.

Hi, Val, dear. We'll talk later. These two men are trying to kill me.

Oh,

what have you done with your hair? It's looking a little thin. Mom!

Don't want to hurt anyone.

Just give us the woman. Who are they?

They're messengers. They're with my delivery service. They're just doing

actions, telegrams. That's Nikki and that's Quick.

That was Mom.

You sure you're not sisters?

You're history, brother.

Ladies, all right?

Action, Graham.

You guys are very convincing. I really thought I was in danger.

Welcome to America, Mom.

That was Detective Grisby.

Marco Belak, that thief you bra -busted, released on bail four hours ago.

Enough time to hire some heavy hitters.

Did he say it was after you and your mom?

Yeah, he said that we'd be toast or roadkill.

What kind of happy meal is that?

How's this, pal?

I worked it up on my new police sketch artist program.

Looks like a heavy drinker.

Next time you get kidnapped, try to use something a little more lethal than a

brassiere. Oh, what, do I have two mothers here now?

Well, if my mom is here, she'll find the same thing, so let's try.

There's nothing like some debt fuel and a little sponge bath to bring a girl

back.

especially after an action gram.

You guys really had me fooled.

Mom, this is L .A. You know, I can't let anyone see you like this, so let's go

back to my apartment and we can change.

Okay. Okay.

Bye.

Abel?

Valerie?

What assignments would you like us to start on while you're gone?

Oh, Tasha.

How are you ever supposed to get past trainee if you don't take some

Zippo is crafter than we thought.

You got a pro courier. Pro courier.

It's Valerie Irons protection, you idiot. The mother probably works for

too. Now, I want that software.

And I want those Irons ladies dead.

Here we go now.

Well,

then I must be more like Daddy.

Maybe.

A little.

You know, I begged him not to go off and help those refugees in Bolivia.

There's Bulgaria and there are peasants.

What?

You just said that he was helping refugees in Bolivia.

Bolivia, Bulgaria.

Oh, look, aromatherapy.

I'll go.

I'll go be there.

What are you, selling candy bars for orphans?

You, I would buy from.

Much like a camp, sweet lips. All right, all right.

The shooter you sicked on Val Irons. Where did we find him?

Not my type.

Val Irons?

She gets run over by a truck.

Why bother with a truck when you got this guy?

Val Irons is number one on my dirt list.

But all I've done today is get out of jail.

I don't want somebody to scuff. I don't know how I know it did we, but I do.

Now, come and get it.

Would you brag about trying to off somebody if you're really trying to off

somebody? No way.

He's way out of Marco's league.

So if he didn't UPS the pit bulls after Val... Who did?

Yeah, I don't know.

Step right up. See yourself as the star of your choice.

There's Johnny.

Johnny who?

No, Johnny Lowe.

He's a cool...

No,

actually, I teach Tai Chi down here. But I'm bootstating for my friend's thing.

Oh. Well, that's a good cover. Don't worry if you could stay with me.

Mom. Hi, Mom. This is Johnny Lowe, my really good friend. Oh, Johnny Lowe. My

mom. You have a very interesting occupation.

Excuse me.

Mom, I was trying not to embarrass him. You know, we caught him working here and

everything.

Let's take some pictures.

Come on.

And one, two, three.

I think you're much prettier than that girl. Oh, thank you. He's such a

Yes, he is.

Oh, no, listen, I can't.

Oh, yes, you can. You should know that it's very unattractive to be embarrassed

about what you do for a living. Val runs her little delivery service, and she's

proud of it. Here.

Oh, yes, um, you're absolutely right, Mrs. Iron. You know, everyone out here

so caught up in pretending to be in danger. It's very weird.

a hot dog stand and I went on a date with a movie star and I saved his life

everyone thought I was a super duper bodyguard and then he took me to the

figurehead and he offered me a jag and a penthouse and I couldn't refuse it.

Then yesterday I caught a robber and he put a contract on my head and probably

my leg and my butt too.

And? And?

I know how you worry so I lie.

Sorry. Well, I can vouch for the part about her not being a bodyguard.

See?

Valerie, pack your things in a box and tell your hoodlum friends goodbye. My

daughter has just resigned from the danger business.

Do you people validate?

I can take care of that.

Mom, didn't you hear that? Didn't you hear the figurehead part? They need me.

It's true, Mrs. I.

Val gives great figureheads.

Hollywood without Val Lyons would be like Vegas without Wayne Newton.

Right. The way she dresses helps us drum up clients.

Well, she's not a streetwalker. Dear, we'll talk about this in the park. Mom,

I'm not a kid anymore.

If I want to be in the danger business, I'm going to be in the danger business.

That's good.

Because your mom might want to hire us at the discount family rate.

What is that supposed to mean? I got a hit on my face recognition search.

This man isn't a contract shooter.

His name is Roger Dinsman, and he's head of security at STX Consolidated, the

company you work for.

Sounds like we've been guarding the wrong target.

The shooters are after you, Mrs. I.

Mm -hmm.

You have a lot of explaining to do, Missy.

Mrs. Irons, have you had any run -ins with anybody from STX in the last few

days? I treat everyone politely in case you hadn't noticed. And do stop calling

me Mrs. Irons before I strike you.

Look, I'm sure my mom does a great job up there in her little customer service

cubicle. It's not that little.

Well, and everybody loves her up there, including Mr. Roger the Red -Nosed

Danceman. Unless, of course, she's telling them how to run their lives.

Mom? Valerie, please.

I am such the valued employee.

Mr. Zupo, the big boss, actually asked me to deliver a package for him while

down here.

Oh, my gosh.

In all the excitement, I forgot all about it. Oh, flick the rewind switch

What package?

This one.

It's a worm disc.

Write once, read many.

Unpopiable.

Wait a second. Does that have anything to do with you coming out here last

minute?

I thought you were coming here to visit me.

But no, you're here to mule some type of high -tech crack for your boss.

You may be beautiful and lethal, but I am still your mother. And I am not the

one who lied about what I do for a living.

Oh, my God!

It's the Big Brother program!

Oh, my God. It's the Big Brother program.

What's the Big Brother program?

This program will make the user a virtual cyber god.

The Big Brother program can monitor, copy, hack into, and retrieve almost

anything that uses a broadband frequency.

I thought this was just a bunch of hype, like Celine Dion.

I'm sure Mr.

Zupo created it for a good purpose.

Why send it down here anyway? Does STX have an L .A. office?

Yep. And guess what else?

Roger Dinsman has a security pass clearance for this week at FTX LA.

Okay, this is what we do. We go to FTX, we find Dinsman, and force his hand.

Or we bang down this door and crack open a can of whoop -ass.

I just said that. Why, look, what about these two?

Hanging around you people only makes Val and me more of a target.

That's true. We'll stash them and the dead guy to the wasting place.

Welcome to the danger business, Mom.

Thanks for thinking of me, Val.

You're both to be safe with me.

Well, Nicky, Quick and Tasha aren't the best people to be hanging out with when

your life's in danger.

Aren't they bodyguards?

True.

No line of work for any daughter of mine.

I always hoped that you'd be an accountant or a scientist like I wanted

I guess I knew in my heart that you always had your father's free spirit.

Dad?

Tell me more about him.

Oh, well, I don't remember a whole lot.

You were so little when you left.

Died?

Of course, dear.

I meant left, like in left the earth.

Well, if Daddy were alive, would he be proud of me?

Believe me, wherever your father is, he's got an eye on you, and he's very

proud.

Gonna help you?

We're here to see Roger Dinsman, head of security down from Vancouver.

Tell him it's about his missing big brother.

Hold on.

What's that all about?

What's that all about? You are a screw -up. You didn't get the gift from

Caroline, and now we'll have to deal with VIPs.

Morning, people.

Like to play games, do we?

Now that you mention it, we do.

Knock, knock.

Who, before I have you all killed, is there?

The big brother. The big brother who?

The big brother I never had just turned up in my life.

You want him to be your big brother?

You deal with us.

Carol Lyons is out of that business.

You want to bid?

Get in line.

You know where to reach her.

Remember how we pop -tarted your van?

Straight up and toasty?

False alarm.

My new business associates.

Just leaving.

See ya.

Wouldn't want to be ya.

Activate the Big Brother. 3 .0 feet from our Vancouver office.

Okay, but that's only the test version. Thank you for reminding me.

It'll do for now.

Okay, you're online.

Here she is.

Who are we looking at? Who else?

Valerie Irons.

Beth's in the business.

You don't think she pulls their strength?

She's on her cell phone.

A little triangulation, and I'll find her.

Yes, that'll be one large pizza with pineapple, cheese, um, you know, extra

garlic. No, no,

no, we're not going to have it delivered because, um, we're here, uh, hiding

out. All right, gives us about 20 minutes.

Mom, are you okay?

Oh, sure.

I was just thinking about Mr.

Zupo. He's such a good man.

He would like a...

A father?

How come you always freak out when that subject comes up? What subject is that,

dear? Dad.

First he died, then he flew out of the solar system, then he was in Bulgaria,

then he was in Bolivia.

Mom, what are you not telling me about my father?

Oh.

Hi, Johnny.

You know, maybe you could go get the Domino's pizza.

Well, I suppose...

Ten minutes wouldn't hurt.

It'd be better if you made it five.

I don't have much to say.

All right. Thanks, Kay.

That tracer you hit on Mr. Brickhead just lit up, and they're headed right

towards Val and her mom.

So what are we waiting for?

He is my father, and I have the right to know.

I have the right to know.

Mom!

The last time you spoke to me in this tone, I almost slapped you.

Mom. Try it.

Well, I'm not going to stand here and take this.

We are so related.

I don't even know what I would do if something came between us. I think I

die.

You very well might.

It could have been a death blow.

Would have been your last.

Where's Val and her mom?

Exactly what I'd like to know.

This is Val's cell phone.

SDX has enough equipment to triangulate.

Enough to handle that big brother disc, too.

That's where our bad guys are.

If we go back, there's going to be more than one guard waiting at that gate.

You could use an extra hand.

Know how to use a gun?

Don't need to.

All right.

Where did Kyle Zupo go wrong, thinking he could benefit mankind?

Well, to start with, he trusted you.

Muhammad, ixnay on the iddicism prey?

Well, they're going to kill us anyway, dear. I just wanted him to hear what a

block he is.

Brick. Rick.

The cables around the stool legs are tied to the stool security doors.

If anyone punctures our little cocoon, the door is automatically shut.

And the stools go that -a -way.

Nasty.

That's why I hired him.

Look, Buster, this is your last chance. You let my mother go, and I'll let you

live. Might have to think about it. Okay, I'm done. No.

You've got company.

You think those damn bodyguards would be stupid enough to come back here?

You bet your ass they're stupid enough.

All right.

How long is it going to take to decipher the new Big Brother coding?

Uh, ten minutes.

Motorman, straight to my laptop.

And don't leave that seat.

Chopper's on the pad in one minute.

Ladies, speaking as a board executive who's about to become a world power,

truly...

Hold them off while I get a shot. All ready on it.

Take your time away, don't you?

What do you mean?

I don't think so.

Ah, the alarm thing.

Nicky, the nest is open. Repeat, the nest is open.

We're going in.

Ready, Kay?

I guess so.

Wait. Do you have any Mylanta?

Looks like we got company.

Val, my dear sweet baby, if we ever get out of this... Mom, look, there's no

need to apologize.

No. No, I want to tell you about your father.

He didn't help the Bulgarians with the CC flies, did he?

Nor the Bolivians.

He was a painter.

Oh. Really? No, I always felt...

Artistic? One time I took a pottery class at UCLA Extension. Dad was really

at it. He was a house painter.

And he was so lousy at it, they demoted him to garage painter.

Well, so is that a crime? To him, yes.

He had such big dreams.

So one day he just left.

You mean Dad's alive?

I haven't heard from him in 22 years.

Dear. Your hair looks just fine.

Although, personally, I like it better when it's a little straight.

Mom!

Okay.

You know, Nikki and Tasha keep telling me about this bodyguard stuff. I'm just

hoping that some of it sinks in. You know, at that time, I fell asleep

to Bowie Dick on tape, and I woke up, and I knew how to heat and store

Oh.

Hey! Hey!

Don't move!

Think your guys can handle it?

Get back at five.

I might still be here.

Get back.

I'm out.

You, cover me.

Gentlemen, time to raise your arms and say mama.

You wouldn't fire on our men, would you?

Don't ask.

You know, you're a real troublemaker, you know that?

Real troublemaker.

One second, gentlemen.

Make me take off my jacket a bit, all right? Sometime today would be nice.

All right, let's go.

How about those two left feet? I'd get out of your way, but you look like you

need help.

Pretend you're something you're not.

on the stone monk once i attach it to big brother it'll cannibalize its own

machine code from the inside out all action all the time k that's what i love

about you

Let a mother feel wanted.

Security doors reopening.

Hurry, Kay. I heard them say that there's less than a minute left.

Okay, you guys can go. I'm going to stay.

Honey, I'm not leaving without you.

Mom, now.

Nikki?

All right, um, let's go inside.

Okay, Kay, we don't have much time. Is that Big Brother thingy still in there?

Not for long.

The whole idea is that we're destroying it.

Oh, darn, I should never have skipped that semester they taught typing.

Val, what are you doing?

Okay, please just type first name Jedediah, last name Irons. My father.

He's alive.

808 area code, that's Hawaii.

Ten more seconds.

One.

Oh.

Two digits missing.

That could be at least a thousand combinations.

Actually, only a hundred.

All right, ladies. We done here?

Down.

Want to ride to the airport? Oh, no, dear. I'll just be fine from here.

Besides, your little delivery assistants need you.

How would they ever get along without you, dear?

I'm going to miss you, Mom.

Are you getting enough vitamin E?

Mom! All right, I'm leaving. All right, see you soon, Mrs. I.

It's your turn to get the car. No, last week when we went shopping, it was my

turn to get the car. Last week when we went shopping, we got kidnapped. Well, I

still would have gotten the car because it was my turn.

You know what? I am so distraught over my mother leaving, and you just put all

this stuff on me.

Okay, all right, all right.

But since we didn't go shopping, technically, you have to pay for

Fine, fine.

Okay? Fine.

Can I just use your cell phone, please?

Long distance?

Yeah, it's just to Hawaii.

Oh, Hawaii. Okay, all right. I got it. Give me the car. All right, thank you.

All right, I've got 66 combinations.

67.

The number you have reached has been disconnected.

68.

Hi, you've reached the home of Jet Irons and the Ironworks, murals and

decorative art for your garage. Please leave a message and we'll get back to

ASAP.

Hi, this is Val.

I'm Valerie Irons.

I can't handle this. Let's just do some more shopping.