Original subtitles

Good morning, VIP.

One moment.

Val, it's Jay Leno.

He wants to speak to you.

Hey, Jay.

How you doing?

You know what? Last night's show was so funny, I choked on a piece of caramel

corn.

No, no, no. I don't need to be harmless.

Thanks.

Uh, sure.

Yeah. Anything for you.

Okay. We'll be there. Bye.

What did he want?

He wants us to take a friend of his, Priscilla, to Sacramento.

Sacramento's not exactly right around the corner.

Well, you know, Jay's a pal, so... What do you got against Sacramento?

Here's your pit stop, Newsom. Don't try anything funny.

I take a leak right here, and you want to come unzip me.

Up against the farm. Now.

I was just a girl working at a hot dog stand when a movie star asked me out on

date. I happened to save his life, and so in order to save his life, he told

everybody that I'm a professional bodyguard.

Which, of course, I am not. Trust me. But then I was asked to be a figurehead

a bodyguard agency, and they said I'd never have to use any weapons or be in

danger. And I always am.

Your office is so much better this year, but this fresh paint is giving me a

headache. Total think -a -rama.

No open flames in the building.

Come on, these are incense candles.

Hello?

If they're not on, I'm going to fart.

Well, you're going to sit down with the smoke alarms if they're not on. Yeah, so

Nikki does every second day, all right? All right, listen.

These violate our building code, all right? We could get evicted. You are

worrywart. Why don't you just follow the rules?

Why do you always make them up as you go along?

All right, listen. I'm going to put them on myself.

gonna have to go through me first okay i'll send them down ladies ladies

i hate to interrupt but quick and nikki are downstairs ready to head to mbc and

the vip you are so lucky i could have deheaded you hey jay

how you doing hey val you look great how you doing good good you mentioned

something about a transport mr leno oh yeah listen i want to hire vip to drive

priscilla up to cal state sacramento

The lovely Priscilla. You are lovely. Actually, that's Williams. That is

correct. Over here.

No,

no, no. This is Priscilla. You see, my great -aunt Trudy left her to me in her

will, and, well, I'm going to auction it off as a big charity thing at a car

show. Very generous of you, Jay. Yeah, yeah.

God, 59 T -Bird. I'm going to open this baby up.

Is this a four -barrel?

Uh, yeah.

Val, can I see you, please?

Listen, I don't prefer if you handle this one yourself. Maybe take, uh, take

Tasha with you.

Oh,

uh. Is there a problem? No, it's fine.

Mr. Leno, I think, um, well, fine, valid.

Huh? Is there something uncomfortable?

Of course. It's okay, fine, fine. Good, good. Now, listen, Aunt Trudy was kind

of an eccentric. Now, she had some rules, but they're right here.

They're all right here.

Now, in your spare time, just go through these, read them, study them, and

you'll be all set, okay?

Now, I'm flying up to Sacramento tomorrow.

I'll be there about noon. I'll see you guys then.

Remember the rules, okay?

Thank you.

Okay, guys, listen to this.

No smoking. Well, that's cool. No eating. That's a brick. No hitchhikers.

use the brights. Never drive in the passing lane. Don't use the windshield

wipers. Don't slam the doors. Don't use the radio.

Oh, that's one. Priscilla doesn't like loud noises.

Don't touch the mirrors. Use premium gas and never, ever drive over 36 miles per

hour. Priscilla is very sensitive.

There's just one more. Aunt Judy's sacred rule.

Do not open the glove compartment.

Glove compartment.

Big bozo no -no.

Well, that's a nice easy gig.

No stalkers, no psychopaths.

You guys smell that?

What?

Road trip.

We've got a beautiful hotel in Big Sur.

Well, this isn't an overnight trip, okay?

You sure you got enough in that trunk back there?

Toss, don't be such a party pooper.

If it wasn't for the 36 mile an hour rule, we would be on the interstate and

halfway there by now.

Oh, come on. You know, back roads are the only way to really see America.

Do you know how many cool things are on the way to Sacramento?

A haunted pet cemetery, there's a first McDonald's, there's an entire house made

out of corn.

Well, I know this is exciting for someone who's never been east of Beverly

Center, but, you know, this isn't a sightseeing trip.

Come on, listen up, Tasha. We are road tripping, okay? Like Thelma and Louise.

But we're not going to go over some stupid cliff because that would be a

We have a job to do. This isn't a class field trip.

What's the dealio?

Did Mother Russia lobotomize the bun center in your brain like a crock of

orange? Okay, the dealio is that I have always been very self -sufficient, okay?

Please don't anatomize me.

Oh, come on. You can talk to Eric now.

Road trips are for opening up, sharing secrets.

I thought road trips were for...

peaceful, quiet time.

Boring. Come on. Do something different. Open up for a change. I do it all the

time. Okay.

So why don't I take on Val's perspective for a day?

Let's see. Do I want to get to the movies before or after the trailers?

Before.

It's an odd number day, so do I want to wear stripes or polka dots today?

Stripes. Stripes make you look wider. You don't wear stripes.

Let's open the glove compartment.

Let's not open the glove compartment.

Oh, come on. You're not curious?

It's none of our business.

Maybe there's something dangerous in there.

Nikki swept the carpet bombs. There's nothing dangerous in there. It's clean.

stays shut.

You're so stale.

Stale!

Okay, we got our pork rinds. Ding dong.

Circus peanuts.

Dum.

And salmon cut goobers.

Do you really need all that junk?

It's not for me. It's for you. I don't eat this crap. I got one of those smelly

pine tree things, though, and I got one of those, um, furry mirror muffs, mood

ring, a bunch of cow magnets for Mac. She's gonna love that. You've ever had

of those funky snow globe things?

Those are amazing.

Gotta cheer up. We're going on the road, babe.

Ooh, arms.

Dangerous. Not hot.

Well, well, well.

I've been looking for you for a long time, little troublemaker.

Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.

Is that your convertible over there?

Yeah, that's Priscilla.

I know you don't know me, but do you think I could get a ride?

I'm sorry, no hitchhikers.

Please.

It's my ex -husband. He's looking for me.

Please.

Tasha, I already have a babysitting job.

Who's she jawing with?

Got it.

Valerie Irons protection.

Damn it.

Sharon must have hired him.

This is going to be a lot tougher than we thought.

My baby don't cry or nothing. We won't make a sound.

Pastor, my spidey sense is tingling. I think she needs our help.

You know the rules? Oh, gosh. Her baby is more important than the silly rules

for Priscilla.

We have a responsibility to our client.

You know,

those bullets you have, they're illegal in 50 states. Kay told me.

They're the only caliber that fits my modified Glock. That's too bad.

Grisby's going to be really mad when I call him about that.

Is it too windy back there for you, Sharon?

You're such angels.

I want to see the baby.

Oh, sure, sure.

As soon as he wakes up.

Hey, no eating in the car.

I'm not going to drop any crumbs, okay? I just want you to get me a little

napkin or something out of the glove box right there.

Nice try.

We're being followed.

Oh, you're so paranoid. You know, you need to go to my aromatherapist on

Melrose, all right?

Since we get back to L .A.

Come on, Beth. Go around. Go around.

Give us the girl or we will disable your vehicle.

I don't know what she told you, Ms. Nairn, but our beef is not with you.

The girl is a wanted felon. We are licensed bounty hunters.

He's going to blow the car up.

I saw it seven times.

All right, Nikki.

Your ex -husband is a freak.

Val, there is no ex -husband.

Is there? Baby, baby, baby! You don't even know this woman.

I just saved our butts with junk food, okay? I know more than you think. I want

her out of the car, now. We can't just leave her out here by herself. She needs

help. Yeah, but not ours.

I don't want to be no more trouble, so why don't I just go?

Your baby! Your baby! Your baby!

It's a doll.

What a freak! Oh, my God, this is sick!

More than you know, she's got bounty hunters after her.

It's all your fault.

What? It's your fault, okay? You're the one who made me go over 36 miles an

hour, and that's against the rules for Priscilla, all right?

And... I knew it, I knew it. According to our map, we are going in the total

opposite direction than Sacramento.

Sacramento is... That way.

Well, at least the car is in one.

I got a match based on your description.

Sharon Carter drove the getaway car in a bank robbery six months ago.

The heist crew stole $2 million in bearer bonds from a federal depository,

the ringleader, Frank Newsome, got caught.

Frank Newsome? That's a scary dude from the poster. The bonds were never

recovered. There's a bounty out for Sharon's capture.

Anything about a fake baby? Apparently she uses it to prey on sentimental

suckers and steals all of their valuables.

Not like anybody would be stupid enough to fall for that old wreck.

These are detonators for the bomb.

Literally.

Afternoon, ladies.

Hi. Have you seen this man?

No.

Could I see your license and registration, please?

Sure. Val, would you... No, we don't have them.

I don't think we have them.

You don't?

Could you step in the car, please?

I missed you. I would have been here sooner, Frank, but I ran into a little

trouble.

Where's your doll?

I ditched it.

I don't got to run that stupid -ass scam no more.

We are one step closer to real, baby.

Come on.

Let's make up for lost time.

Sharon, Deke stashed the bonds. He hid the instructions in the doll before he

got busted. In the doll?

Well, how the hell was I supposed to know? All right, all right, all right.

Where's the damn doll?

Where's the doll, Sharon? I don't know.

Your receptor just faxed over your credentials. I'm real sorry about the

-up. Oh, it's okay, Officer. You've got to be careful when that Frank Newsome

guy is running around. Yes, ma 'am, you sure do.

Okay,

your spidey sense is tingling today.

Well, you're the one who keeps sharing out with our wallet.

You're the one that insisted I give her a ride.

Everyone makes mistakes, okay?

Okay, Val.

Do you want to know why I'm always so uptight around you?

Because you envy my ability to have a good time in any situation?

No, because no matter what case we're on, it's you who needs protection. I

do my job properly with you around.

Wow. That is so mean.

Even for you.

Well, you wanted to know the truth.

Look, Val. No, no, no.

Zip. Don't worry about it. You know what? No fun on that trip, okay? I get

GSGI. What do you got, Doug?

Reckless endangerment. Blooped underground cable. Knocked out power in

counties.

Doug, put a unit together.

I want two black and whites, three motors ready to roll now.

Go, go, go, go, go. Yes, sir.

We're stopping at the next service station to get this bumper thing.

Everyone knows that you don't go to the places right off the freeway. They're

rip -off farmers.

Okay, Val, what would you do?

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't want to ruin your job or anything, you know. I don't want

wrong because of me.

No, okay. I mean, I'm sure this is an area of your expertise, you know,

shopping, even if it is for car stuff.

Really? Okay, this is what you do.

You... Aha! Okay, take a right, then it's two miles to the Tasty Freeze, and

then left on Route W, then left past Old Man Griffin's Barn, and then right...

Everything okay?

Um, yeah, we've just been refueling again, Jay. Priscilla has been very

Wait, hang on a second.

Well, tell Brad that we have to go second, okay? The chimps of Earth.

love those San Diego Zoo chimps.

Fine.

I'm sorry about that. How you doing?

Great. And how's Priscilla?

Why would you ask?

Great. Fine.

Perfect. And, um, you know what? Tasha and I, we've been getting along like

sisters. Good, good.

Twisted sisters.

Come on, that must be the mechanics I hear inside.

The world is on the road to Armageddon.

And once the smoke clears, only the fit...

And the prepared will survive.

We are the last bastion.

Our word will be law.

No one will stand in our way. Our religion is our... Hi.

Hi.

You're so cute.

Hi, is this where we can get our carpet?

Well, remember shopping?

Us is my territory. Don't worry about it. Follow me.

Hi.

Look, um, hi. Um, we don't have any money or anything, but I'm, like,

good for an IOU.

No, I still got no sign of that convertible and this junker I just hiked

of juice.

Oh, thank you, lady luck.

Do me a favor, honey. Round up some of the guys. I'll call you back.

You shouldn't be here.

I know you mechanics don't like lunch break. It's interrupted, but we're in

desperate need of a repair for our car. We can't go anywhere.

Get lost.

And take Stretch with you?

Excuse me?

You got a problem with the way I look?

Not yet. You know what? I'll come back after lunch. Let me introduce you to

Marge. Great. A guy named Marge.

We forgot somebody.

Well.

Well!

Even better.

Okay.

Take a hike! Or you're supposed to cheat, Buster!

Go for it.

Size really does matter.

You aren't rubber band head.

The gun was on it.

Okay, I gotta admit. For a figurehead, you've been getting much better with the

gun. That's right. Repeat after me. Val can take care of herself.

Oh, my God. Nope. See, it's really heavy.

Got it.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That sucks.

So gone.

Unbelievable.

At least they left the bumper.

Do you think we

would have found a Mickey D's or something by now?

What are you doing?

My defining rod is going to get us out of this mess.

That's for finding water.

Oh.

It's getting dark and cold. I think we should stop.

No. I can feel it. I can feel it. We are going to find, like, a shuttle van or

something or a five -star hotel.

No, okay. I'm sick of plugging this thing, all right? We're camping.

I'm not camping. Are you kidding? I can't fall asleep in my makeup. It's bad

my skin. I'm going ahead.

Okay, just fine. Remember that when your body's exposed to the elements, it's

not a pretty sight.

Well, I fell asleep in a tanning bed for two hours once, and I'm fine.

I'm going to go ahead.

Okay, well, first your mind tells your body everything's okay.

And then the water vapors in your lungs, they start to freeze.

And then they cause internal explosions. Okay, the chain reaction causes all

your organs to start turning to jelly.

Then decomposition, rigor mortis sets in.

You trying to gross me out?

It's working.

Fine.

You know, I'm totally bummed because I never got to find out what was in

Priscilla's glove compartment.

We're going to be okay out here.

Is the great Valerie Irons afraid?

No.

I'm just kind of pissed because some of my best outfits were in that steamer

trunk.

Well, if you hadn't bribed me into taking that doll -carrying felon with

wouldn't even be here in the first place.

Oh, really? Well, if you wouldn't have kicked those mechanics' ass, Priscilla

would have never even gotten stolen.

Val, they weren't mechanics.

Whatever. I mean, some goofy guy calls you a silly name and you turn into the

Toshinator.

My plays are so predictable.

Did you hear that?

What?

You know what that sounds like? That sounds like La Chupacabra.

The goat sucker.

Max and I just saw this hard copy special, and it was talking about these

nasty gremlins that the government has created, and they will suck all the

out of human beings until they're just little dried -up husks of skin.

Sounds more like the IRS.

Did you just make a joke?

What, you think I don't have a sense of humor?

You think?

I'm sorry, I forgot Valerie Irons can't be serious about anything, even if her

life's in danger.

Okay, I mean, I know what you're getting at, but really, I just have a sense of

humor about things. You have to have a sense of humor about life. I mean, life

is a balancing act. Hot and cold, earth and water, you know, that other thing.

You know, your life was never anything like mine.

My life was about living on a high wire.

One side were guys with MAC -10s, the other were flaming spikes.

Those were my choices. I mean, that's the balance I had in life.

Doesn't sound like very much fun.

Well, now you're getting it.

Well, you didn't have to have fun. I mean, what about your birthday?

Especially not my birthday.

Val, come on.

Val.

Val.

Attention, Macy's shoppers.

Blasters are going to be on sale for the next 15 minutes.

What? What?

Come on, Val. Time to go.

Wait, wait. Do you have a mirror?

Wait.

Sasha,

don't you have, like, a ladder or a hook, like, down your pants or

Oh, God.

These are not sensible hiking shoes.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Priscilla!

Priscilla, what's here the whole time? I can't believe you didn't listen to my

gut instinct.

Hey, sorry I'm late. Damn convertible conked out on me, too. Come here.

Save me unveiling for the two of us.

Dick's a damn genius, isn't he?

It says here he hid the bonds in a safe deposit box in another bank. I don't

know if this guy would ever think of looking there.

What's wrong?

There's supposed to be a key, a safe deposit box key. Where the hell is it?

I think there was one around the doll's neck.

You think there was one around the doll's neck? Where the hell is it? It

have fallen off in the car.

Don't.

Tasha Dexter.

Earlier today, Dexter brutally assaulted a group of auto mechanics.

Armed and extremely dangerous, Dexter is traveling in a turquoise 1959

Thunderbird convertible.

An unconfirmed source also tells us that Dexter allegedly kidnapped her

employer, Hollywood bodyguard Valerie Iron.

Looks like this might be a little tougher than I thought.

I totally needed that.

I can't get a signal out.

Let's look in the glove compartment.

Val.

Look what they did. They left a mess all over the place.

You know what they stole? They stole that psycho doll and our goodie bag.

Jerk.

Okay. Crank it up.

I'm ready.

Okay. Whoa, how'd you do that?

I learned a thing or two from Nikki.

Maybe you could learn a thing or two from me. You can't get a Sacramento

like that.

I'm just a little grimy.

Hey. Hey, you have to speak up. You're really fuzzy.

I'm dead.

Things are way worse than before.

The police are still looking for Priscilla. The survivalist guys filed an

assault charge against Tasha.

They supposedly kidnapped you.

What'd you say? Not much. You know, Priscilla's wanted by the police. You're

wanted for assault, and I'm your hostage.

Hey, where are you guys at? Anyway, what's the nick of your outfit?

Kate, I'm losing you, okay? I'm sorry. I'm going to have to get another

I'm going to try and get another battery.

Hang on.

Oh, my God. What's this?

That's a safety belt key. Where'd you get that?

I don't know. I found it in the car. It must have been by that dork who stole

Priscilla.

There's a serial number on it.

5627222. Tell Kate to check it out. Okay.

5627222. Okay.

This might take a second, though.

Lost keys.

So funny.

Reminds me of one time when I locked my Gumby key chain back in college. I got

locked out of my dorm after curfew. You were out past curfew? I tried to sneak

back in by going up the fire escape.

But all of a sudden, campus police shine a really big light in my eyes.

Kate! Oh, shoot. Hello, hello, hello?

I was trying to scramble through the first open window I could see. So

see one. I crawl over. I'm like a contortionist trying to get through the

window.

Battery's dead.

You know, we should probably lay low to the cake, or the pure salt, and sausage

thingy.

Sounds like a cool affair.

It was a dark room, and there was incense burning.

There were all these guys in robes looking for a virgin, which is very

because just the very night before, oops, I got something.

Ooh, this isn't good.

The key is registered to one of Frank Newsom's accomplices.

Val.

Val, are you there?

Tasha, there's no guys in here.

I bet my left arm the bear bars are in that fake deposit box.

I think Mr. Newsom's really, really going to want that key back.

Right. Val and Tasha have zero clue. We've got to find them.

Let me triangulate the point of origin of Val's cell call.

No, we're doing fine, Mr. Leno.

No, we haven't looked in the glove department.

Val?

She's bending over back.

Okay.

Mind if I join you?

Make yourself at home.

I'm Liz, the owner.

I'm Liz, the owner.

You and Valerie don't frequent these places very often, do you?

Not exactly.

Yeah, well, she seems to be enjoying herself.

The thing about Valerie is she gets along with everyone.

It's really annoying.

than Tybo. You gotta try it. Come on.

No, wait, wait, wait. This is Liz. This is Liz.

Oh, my God. Have you been drinking?

No.

Oh,

my God. I could have fun, too.

Key wasn't in the car.

I'm going to flush the two chicks out of the bar.

This road's the only way in and out of here.

If they make a run for it, take them down.

Looks like trouble.

Looks like an ambush.

Cool, let's rock.

Easy, Nick.

We don't want to trigger these clowns.

Great, and thanks to Tasha, we can't even call in the law because they throw

in the pokey.

It's up to us. We've got to help them.

Let's leave the car here and head around back.

The worst was when my KGB handler took me down to a sewer tunnel.

Okay, I remember the day exactly.

It was my birthday.

Totally my birthday.

I followed that guy for miles until we were right under the Kremlin.

Then he turned to me and he gave me a bolt -action sniper rifle, a file photo,

and the two words he said, kill him.

Then he left me alone in the sewer.

Sounds like La Femme Nikita.

Yeah, except I was 19 and it wasn't some stupid movie.

So what'd you do?

I killed the man in the photo.

It was my father.

It was my virgin kill.

You poor thing.

Thanks, Liv.

Oh, gosh, I didn't know.

Tasha? Two ladies with the convertible have something I want.

Suggest you give it back or I'm going to wipe this bar off the map.

What kid?

Jill. Jill Valentine. She got this all planned out.

You got one minute.

I'm going out there.

Alone. Are you crazy? Did you get a look on those killers' faces?

Give me the key.

Give me the key.

I can't. I can't. God.

If anything happens to you because you're protecting me, I'll never be able

live with myself.

Don't worry about me. I'm okay.

So mental.

I've got your key, Newsome.

Hold your fire.

Shoot her.

Hop in, woman.

Go, go, go.

No!

No! No!

No!

Am I really in heaven?

Close. You're in Northern California.

All right.

Going somewhere?

Freeze! Dr. Dexter, you're under arrest. Drop the weapon.

You're making a big mistake.

Drop the weapon now!

Frank Newsome!

You're amazing.

One woman takes out Frank Newsome and his whole gang.

Yeah. Yeah, you know what?

It was really hard, too, because I was being held hostage by my crazy co

over here.

Arrest her.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I got you. I got her.

Ha!

certainly look different.

Well, um, Patrick just broke a few of Aunt Trudy's real martini stoppers, but

anyway, we found this in the glove compartment. Oh, my gosh. We always

where she went.

She? Aunt Trudy. After she was cremated, she just disappeared. We didn't know

what happened to her.

Oh, so this is the family reunion, then. I found two receipts in the box.

This car isn't even authentic.

The engine's not original, and the body's all Bondo.

Hey, car's a lemon anyway.

Great job.

Devil on your feet.

Come on, Trudy.

Go on home.

Try these. They'll do wonders.

Where is everybody?

At the home.

You know, I think you and I made some real progress this trip. I can't believe

you lost that burping cottage that lives in the bar.

Okay, you have to tell me that KGB sewer story, was it true?

Well, not about my father, but yeah, that was true.

How could you even joke about something like that?

Well, Val, now you know why I don't do fun.

I should get going.

Well, you know what? Maybe we can do that again sometime. You know, you, me,

Jag, Vegas, Grand Canyon.

How's the corn?

Val, thanks for saving me back there.

I've got a package.

Whose sick mind did this come from?

Oh, thank every God.

Thank every God.

Achupacabra?