Original subtitles

Okay, let me guess.

Your latest invention?

It's pretty blue.

No, no, no, I didn't invent the case.

Please. I invented this.

Full -on portable office with beauty salon, hmm?

Everything you need from a fax machine to hot rollers.

My friend, let's say that you're out on the road, you're late for a meeting, you

got a fax report, and worst of all, your hair looks like a jungle.

What do you do?

My hair.

But then I'd probably be late for work, which means I couldn't pay my rent,

which means I'd probably end up on the street in some biker gang riding on the

back of some bike, some fat guy named Tiny driving me around.

Ew. Yeah.

But see, that was BMC before the Maxi case. Now a fully equipped office and

salon can go everywhere you go.

Huh? Tell me more about the case.

The case is just some Soviet surplus thing that you can get on the Internet

between Bruski and Brothers Karamazov.

Oh, some retro Russian thing.

You're sure the general isn't Odessa? Yes. Now close the door.

I'm driving insane the entire conference.

Who knew a decommissioning nuclear weapon could be so...

Take it off.

Huh? Take this off.

Put it out of your mind. My wife does.

Comrade General, I'm sorry.

Pardon me.

You should at least show some respect for my mother.

The nuclear launch coat chain to your wrist are worth as are transom on the

market. I'll pay you a million dollars for that briefcase.

If you like, I can throw in my assistant.

She does work for me.

Give me that break, Kate.

I vow to protect my wife!

I want that briefcase, Mr. Secretary.

A lot more efficient.

I hope he has the key.

I know how I hate bloodshed.

We have two days to rendezvous with the buyers.

I wonder what they're wearing in Los Angeles this year.

I was just a girl working at a hot dog stand when a movie star asked me out on

date. I happened to save his life, and so in order to save his life, he told

everybody that I'm a professional bodyguard.

Which, of course, I am not. Trust me. So then I was asked to be a figurehead at

a bodyguard agency, and they said I'd never have to use any weapons or be in

danger. And I always am.

So I found a buyer for my master case.

Now the hard part is finding something to wear.

Could the buyer be Al Flotkin, the luggage king?

The one and only. He is a major luggage pioneer.

He's the one that first put wheels on luggage.

And that, that pin right there is going to sign my contract so I can come home

with a big old fat paycheck.

Only problem is... I can't find anything to wear.

I mean, the last interview I had was at Tale of the Pup. Oh, the last interview

I had was... Oh, dear, I've never had an interview.

I've never had an interview.

What I need is something, you know, something sexy and yet conservative.

Like that, playful.

You know what I mean? That's what I need.

I don't want to find four.

Come on.

Oh, really? Oh, my God, that's so sweet.

Okay. So if he signs this deal, I'm going to make you my vice president.

Vice president? Okay.

Deal. Deal.

Now, oh, all you need is an entourage.

What for?

To be a player, silly.

Okay. Okay, hi.

I need an entourage.

What do you think?

Look out, don't jump.

After we sell the briefcase, we'll be just like them.

We can never go back, can we?

I'll let them have the Ukraine, the Poydent Rivers, the Borscht.

We'll get better, not that delicacy.

Hold here now.

Shut up here now.

I couldn't get a clean shot. Get out of here.

Lauren.

You're not a Dick Neyland!

We had an emergency meeting to meet royalty.

Well, we do.

Maxine is L .A. County's cherry queen. It wasn't my idea to bring all of you

guys here. A quick alone would have been just fine with me. Oh, thank you. Did

you guys see that loser back there wearing a fur coat?

Where are we supposed to meet this blocking guy?

Right here.

No offense, cherry queen, but what's wrong with seeing Texas meeting in

spoon land?

Hey, guys, lunch is on me.

Clear the area.

Clear the spot. Clear the spot.

Valerie!

Bronson! I didn't know you ate here. All the time.

I got a New York thin crust. Makes me think I'm sitting on Mulberry Street.

Is that Cornby's family truck?

Oh, yeah. Little slice of 7th Avenue.

You must really miss the Big Apple.

Oh, boy.

If you're born in New York, you never really get it out of your system.

When did you move to L .A.? When I was two.

There! Turn down there!

Quick, you order the veggie burger.

Ketchup, deli mustard, no pickle.

Okay, let me see. Baked potato, cream scallions, fro -gurt, cold on the

Oh, cold on the inside, just like you.

And a chocolate egg cream for Bronson.

Central Park's out.

I said you can't go home again.

You guys, Slotkin's 20 minutes late. I hope he didn't bag this meeting.

Are you kidding? He is not going to did.

The Matthew case. This is Y3K technology. Smoke on the water. Overhead

compartment. Beware.

Hey, listen up.

I hear you. This is the future.

All right?

Look at this puppy.

Guaranteed to last at least 100 years.

Okay, well, a long time anyway. Look how sturdy it is.

Are you okay?

Speak to me. Speak to me.

Gun. Not you, them.

Sit tight with the good guy.

Go ahead and let me know.

I'm going to escape you.

I'm not leaving without my briefcase. No, no, no. I don't do you no good if

you're dead.

We'll get it later.

We're outnumbered. We don't have a chance.

We've got to get our client out of here.

Who's our client?

That's me.

Looks like the general lost his briefcase.

We lost the Ukrainian, sir.

Any word yet of who we're dealing with?

Not yet.

But we've got the football.

Nerve gas!

Not nerve gas.

Number five.

Woo!

Oh, that was wild.

Did you see that guy with the AK -47?

Handgun. Semi -automatic.

Do you realize what this means, Max?

Yeah. No more lunch at the food court. No.

Someone is willing to kill for the Maxie case.

Huh? I think it was that guy that was sneaking up on us. Oh, no. I don't know

about that.

I think the design alone could be worth $10 ,000.

What?

You know, now that you mention it, he did say, I have a gun.

He did.

He did.

This is bigger than we thought. Oh, man. It's huge.

Police are calling it attempted robbery.

The Bozos and Brooks brothers didn't look like mall security.

Probably feds. But who was the other team?

They weren't stealing khakis from the Gap.

Maybe a kidnapping?

Or an assassination attempt.

It's a pet peeve of mine, but I like to know who's shooting at me.

Likewise. So how do we dial in the 411 on this?

Too bad we don't have instant replay, right?

A guy in my Pokemon strategy group works security at the mall.

Security footage. Do it. Come on, come on.

Mall security.

Hi, Norlack. It's me, Pikachu.

Our Pokemon names.

Hey, Kay.

What is it? It's a little busy down here.

I know. That's why I'm calling. Oh, before I forget, I captured the Pokemon

the Safari Zone.

Kay.

Kay.

Can my bosses take a look at your surveillance video?

No can do. Company policy.

I gotta go. But remember, Kay, there is no Pokemon in the Safari Zone.

What'd he say?

That's strange.

Is that some kind of a cult?

No! Do you take me for a simpleton?

No!

Valerie Irons, the famous bodyguard. Not good.

The world's deadliest briefcase in the hands of the world's deadliest

If you're rich, press 2. If you're broke, press 3. Hi,

ladies. It's Al Flarkin.

Sorry I missed you today.

I'm at foam.

Maybe for a drink, and we'll discuss the briefcase.

If you want, bring swimsuits.

Mom, Mom, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Oh, no, no, that's the penthouse phone. We're not answering it. No, we're

letting the machine pick it up. It's probably just the press.

Mom, I'm...

Fine. I'm fine. I was protected by VIP the whole time.

Yes. Not a rat.

Mom.

Val, tell her.

Not a scratch, Mrs. D.

See? See? See, I told you. No, Mom, listen, listen. Mom, I'm telling you,

MaxiCase thing is huge.

I think it's worth $100 ,000.

Hold on a second.

The better.

Oh, you need your strength, honey.

Maybe for a drink and we'll discuss the briefcase. If you want, bring swimsuits.

Play the last call.

Maybe for a drink and we'll discuss the briefcase.

If you want, bring swimsuits.

Valerie Irons already has a buyer.

Why does she move so fast?

I studied her in counterintelligence. She is a master tactician. Really?

What she would do against a frontal assault.

Perhaps there is another way.

I found this back at the mall.

Don't even try to talk. I knew something was off when he said there was no

Pokemon in the safari zone.

You see, you see them when you're surfing up and down the coast. Okay,

time. Right, go.

They've recorded over this tape. Guy comes back here and must have a huge

of titanium -plated oysters.

Are oysters in season now? Kay, I think she means guts. You must be desperate.

Well, this tape may speak to me yet.

How? It's laundry.

To wipe a tape clean, it has to be degaussed with a strong magnetic field.

Recording over it simply buries the image deeper.

Come with me.

Val!

Slot didn't want us to go to foam.

To meet him at foam.

Why is that? You trust him after he stood us up at the mall? If we're going

steal something, you know, call somebody first.

We are bringing a video just in case he turns out to be a ham sandwich without

the ham, if you know what I mean.

I knew there was a reason I made you vice president.

Clean it up.

Garden variety fed.

Freeze it there.

Pull up the picture.

Clean it up.

General Kolya Trofimov, Ukrainian National Guard.

One of their last ghosts.

A ghost?

Ooh, that gives me the chills.

Maybe ten people in our government know he exists.

None of them talk to one another.

Oh, Papa's got a brand new bag.

Maybe he has an appointment with the Luggage King, too.

I wonder what's inside.

Let's ask her.

Let me introduce myself.

I am Slotnik.

Alt Slotnik.

Oh, I thought it was Slot Pin.

Well, it's nice to meet you, Mr. Slot Man.

It's you, Pin.

Yeah. I knew a guy who put a picture of himself on a pin, and if you turned it

upside down, his bathing suit would fall off, and he had a really big hairy gut

and lots of mold all over himself, and he was pretty gnarly.

Went out of business.

You're in business, don't you?

You must be Maxine. Maxine.

It is an honor to meet you. I've got to tell you, the idea about the briefcase

is all mine.

I'll have to remember that.

Are you really the guy who put wheels on baggage?

Huh?

American expression.

Oh, yeah, that's me.

The dude who puts the wheels on baggage.

Yeah.

Let's get down to business.

You have something of mine.

Well, slow down, Big Al. It's not yours yet.

We both know that briefcase is going to change everything.

Just name your price. Thank you. Well, you know, if there's one thing I learned

in garage sales, it's that you have to get the price from the other guy.

So you better just spit out some numbers and they better be higher. We're going

to fly.

Fly where?

You have other offers?

Nibbles. Yeah.

I mean, when people really see what my briefcase can do, we're going to have to

beat them off with a stick.

Well,

I notice you don't have it with you. That's right. The briefcase is safe.

Here's a video.

Check it out. It's everything that you've heard about.

You're taunting me.

Kill them both, right now.

Gentlemen, keep your eyes on the prize. We're so close.

Hi.

Yes,

you're right.

Without you, I'd be threatening the Black Sea.

You put the wheels on my back.

Three million.

I'll go no higher.

Is that in rubles?

Because I heard you can't even get a Big Mac in Moscow for that.

U .S. dollars.

Do we have a deal?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Um, Max, what are you, um... Mm -hmm.

That's okay.

Bring the briefcase to the Hollywood Cemetery tonight at midnight, and we'll

make the switch.

If you must, call us at this number.

Okay.

Okay. Bye.

Val definitely picked up Trothmoth's briefcase.

He's going to want it back. Sooner than we think. Val left a message. She and

Maxine are at Foam selling the briefcase.

Nikki, we're off like a prom dress.

Come on, let's go.

I'm going to be the star of my own infomercial, Chip the Lexi Case

with Maxine de la Cruz.

Maxine de la Cruz? Is that you?

Hi,

ladies.

To say the least, things today did not go as planned. No, I guess not. I still

have my Mac to take.

Well, I'll have to see if we can change that, won't we, huh?

Why don't you step over here to my office?

What are we going to do?

Just follow my lead. You got a plan?

Kind of.

That's them.

Miller, pick them up. They're in a blue Jag.

Hey, that's the guy from the mall.

Pick him up, too.

Hey, buddy.

Huh? You're coming with us.

Ah! Get the name tag, Crabbe.

Ow, Flotkin! Ow, you're hurting my wrist! We're the FBI. That's his job.

a mall today?

Yeah, I was picking up a briefcase. So you're the buyer. Been after you for a

long time, dirtbag.

Well, I'm not hard to find. Did you look in the yellow pages? Hey, that's funny.

Just know that you're not going to be coasting in some club fence.

Your next address is going to be in Leavenworth. How's that? You find that

funny? Huh? Get him out of my sight.

Ow!

Pull her over. She's part of this.

Val, you've been fucking abandoned ten times. Put the pedal to the metal and

off the double nickel.

Whenever I'm in a car chase, I always obey the rules of the road. Okay?

Roger Conscientious?

Yeah.

Those are the guys from the mall.

Sweetheart, ease off or you're in a world of hurt.

Take a pill, G -Man. We're here to talk. I do the talk. Stand down.

Stand down!

I said... Okay.

All right, fine. Why don't we swap information? That way nobody gets

What makes you think you've got something I want?

I can ID the Ukrainian.

Interesting. But I got all the info I need from that guy.

What guy?

Get him back!

I want him sitting in the car five minutes!

Interesting. I think someone needs our help.

What do you want?

What's in the briefcase?

Don't you think it's weird that we're meeting this man in a Hollywood

For three million dollars, I would meet the man at the pound dressed like

Tootsie Galore.

Wait till you see what I have.

What? Ta -da! Oh, I have been saving these for a very special occasion.

These are the best Cuba draconians that money can buy.

Do you have any perfume?

Try the maxi case.

Oh, yes, I'd love to.

Let me see.

Oh, nice.

A little dial.

Mr. Secretary, NORAD, NSA, and Comstead all confirmed. The Ukrainian SA -3 ready

for launch. Each warhead between 10 and 15 megatons, and each one aimed at Los

Angeles. The President and First Family are aboard Air Force One.

I'm ordering us to defense condition three.

Nothing. Everything is fine.

Is this bugging you that we caved in the slotkins so fast?

Why, you don't, um, think that it, uh, um, you don't think that we asked for

enough?

I don't know. What do you think?

You know what? Let's do the math over here.

What do we got, baby? Three million bucks already. Six zero, baby.

Uh -huh. There you go.

Right there. Oh, shoot. Okay. Half for taxes. Yeah, the government's got to get

their share.

And I want to buy my mom a house, okay? So take off, like, 300 ,000. Okay. What?

What?

We live in LA. I'm sorry. What, do you want your mom to live in a garage? Oh,

no, no. Okay, yeah, that'd be comfortable for her. Okay, and I'll

my share of the apartment expenses.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Wait a minute now. You do have the bigger room. Fine. Oh, thank you. Okay,

now we'll think professionally. Mexico, operational expenses, payroll, research

and development. That's a lot of money. $450 ,000 at least.

Okay. Okay.

We have to redecorate the maxi bag. Got to redecorate. Got to. It's been the

same thing for like a year. I know. Too much. Okay, now for the essentials.

Clothes. Mm -hmm. Oh, and I want a closet bigger than Candy's spellings for

and my VP.

That's right.

Anything else?

Loans, credit cards.

We're losing money here.

Just wanted a good day at the bar.

Hair weave. We got screwed.

We got to call Slot Kid.

Go.

What are you trying to do? Accumulate me?

It's not good time to bite the hand that feeds you. What? They've activated the

briefcase. It's impossible.

They targeted Los Angeles.

The AccuWeather forecast for tomorrow is for a totally toasty day.

Sunshine and hot all across Southern California.

I'm back.

You know, you really need to change your attitude, mister.

Because it's going to get very hot in L .A.

How hot?

Very, very hot. We need those spa tickets.

She would obliterate her own city to make a point.

Deal. Deal.

Oh, good.

That was easy.

Well, we'll see you tonight, then.

Cialisito, Mama.

The rock, baby, but don't sit there.

What did you do?

What's that?

I didn't do anything.

Wait, it won't... What? You broke it? I didn't break it. It won't open.

Fine, you know what? Nikki showed me how to crack a safe, girl.

I'll just get a few things and I'll fix it. Oh, no, don't crack anything. It's

my only one.

For your sake, briefcase, it better not be compromised.

I'm sure Miss Irons is handling it with kid gloves.

Val! What?

That's one of the guys who's trying to steal Max's briefcase. Val, this is

Federal Agent Redding.

This isn't Max's briefcase.

Where's mine?

Oh, my God, it's like a bad Olsen Twins movie.

Identical. The case you grabbed at the mall is owned by the Ukrainian

government. It was stolen two days ago by a rogue general, Kolya Trofimov. He

killed three people to get it out of the country.

So I'm assuming that's not a portable office and duty supply.

It's a comnet mobile communications setup.

It remotely controls Ukraine's nuclear missiles.

Those missiles are supposed to be decommissioned. Back off, Stretch, not

beat. You guys, um, talk to...

Slotkin, before you tell him about all this and get our law passes.

Slotkin? Apparently he was set up to buy from Trofimov. Al Slotkin, the luggage

king? A nuclear arms dealer? Come on.

It happens. He went bad.

We've tracked his airplane to a local airport.

What about Trofimov?

If he still thinks Val has the briefcase, he'll be coming after us.

You're Valerie Iron's protection, right?

Protect yourselves.

Just in case, how do we reach you?

Can't. We're in communication silence mode.

Slotkin's already tapped your lines. We don't want to be giving him the heads

up. Well, what about Max's briefcase?

Yeah.

Evidence.

Ladies, gentlemen, on behalf of the American government, we're out of here.

Oh!

I... Okay.

First the yellow big road, then Easy Street, now Skid Row.

Oh, that.

Yeah.

Tasha, we have to get Max's briefcase back from J. Edgar Jerkoff.

You heard him. It's evident.

That's a load.

Where did this come from? That tricked -out nuclear Gucci bag.

These are GPS coordinates for Los Angeles.

The numbers and newsletters.

That missile's in launch mode. I didn't touch it.

Very much.

Do you know how to stop it? I think so, but we don't have much time.

Wait!

Are we going to get Max's briefcase back?

If we live.

Max, um, I have some good news, I think, kind of.

If we live?

If they're going to the cemetery, they're headed the wrong way.

Goodbye.

We'll get there soon enough.

No more soft touch. We negotiate the Ukrainian way, with lead.

And they'll see who puts the wheels on baggage.

This is my last trip to L .A. Really? You don't want to know. It's been one

crazy day.

Listen,

Max.

Put down the phone, comrade. You're under arrest.

Does this have anything to do with Maxine De La Cruz and Valerie Irons? You

You've got the case, and you confess to being the buyer. But she said she

invented it. I didn't do anything wrong.

I mean, why would I go to prison for some cockamamie briefcase that squirts

perfume?

Perfume? Yeah, yeah, it squirts perfume. It takes dictation.

I mean, is that it?

Is there a chance in hell he's telling us the truth?

Check it out.

I wish this day would just end.

None of us did!

This briefcase is not going out of my sight.

Ready? Don't go down as the last big idiot of the century.

Val accidentally powered up the Ukrainian weapons grid.

I said don't move!

If this thing was hot, I'd get six different phone calls.

Uh, hello?

Did someone say communication silence mode?

Damn, I didn't want to tip off Slotkin.

You're Al Slotkin?

The luggage king?

Of course I am. Who did you think I was?

Ready? In a few minutes, you're going to need a whole lot of sunscreen lotion.

Don't be a simp. Give us a briefcase.

I have a better idea.

Give me the briefcase. Problem.

Your missiles are going airborne in five minutes. Either I shut them down, or we

all die.

Here's that American agent.

I shoot her, and I'm the only one who can shut it down.

$200 for 10 million people will die.

I've got an airplane to catch.

you can do?

Yes, but I don't want to micromanage my team, and more importantly, I lost my

earring. I lost my earring!

Back, back. Look out for where I'm going.

Back, back.

Forget the earring. Back, back. Be careful.

Are you okay, Mrs. Hawkins?

Hey,

looking for this?

Is that closet for anything other than opening pickle jar?

In counterintelligence, we had a battery iron simulator.

No one ever beats you.

What do you think of the real thing?

Oh, yeah? From what I hear, they should call it Mrs. Prop Law.

This thing's older than Christy's shoe.

Well, you can still disarm it, can't you? I think so, but nothing's working.

Give me a crack.

No, no, no. You can't do that. I think she's right, okay? Every time you try

disarm a bomb, it goes off.

Okay, you guys, just stand back. No, no, no.

This briefcase saved my life.

I'll give you 100 bucks for it.

We'll take it.

We'll take it.

Okay, all we have is $100.

We both go to a movie. That's $16.

I'll make it $10. We'll go to a matinee.

Run to a movie.

Okay. And then afterwards, we'll go to a nice dinner.

Not that nice.

Okay, talking about.

$10. This is $86.

$86? Well, I'll give my mom a suitcase.

Socken said he was going to give us a discount.

A big discount? No.

Okay, that makes sense. It's $11. Six for you, five for me.

Why do you get any?

What?

Go away with me. Didn't I tell you?

I'm downsizing.

Bye, everybody.

You want some new eyeliner?