Original subtitles

My life, my life behind these walls

Didn't think my thoughts would make

me fall Baby, I

think of you Hiding behind the fences that I do

Something's got a hold on me

Yeah, baby.

Nothing's got a hold on me.

Didn't want to be the one who would be the one.

Too afraid again.

Leanne's in trouble. Why doesn't she call us herself?

That's because rock divas don't call people.

They have their people call your people, and your people call their people.

Oh.

Hello? Yeah.

No, no, I'm right in the middle of something. Can you just call their

me? Thanks. Bye.

So who's our people?

Yeah, baby.

Something better hold on me.

Yeah, baby.

Nikki, it looks like your boyfriend's in trouble.

He's not my boyfriend.

I was kidding. It's a joke, Nick. Nikki, it's a music video.

Stop. Who the hell are these people?

Here's the real problem. I saw this butt head coming out of Iris' trailer.

I wonder what's in the bag.

I just wanted a souvenir.

Yeah, I could make it your lunch.

Will somebody get the slow life off my set?

My associates and I will take care of that for you.

I meant you.

Um, look.

Excuse me, Irish Leon, Rudy, I'd like you to meet Valerie Irons, the VIP, her

associates, Natasha Dexter, Nikki Franco.

Looks to me like they got here just in time.

You invited these gatecrashers?

They're friends of mine, and they're the best bodyguards in the business.

And you're a stunt coordinator, so coordinate your loser friends off my

Look, I'm sorry, okay? I heard someone was tailing you.

I thought they could help.

Iris, you know, maybe he's got a point.

You're an employee, Rudy, not my mother. If I need protection, I'll get it

myself.

Okay, I think we've laid enough bricks for one day.

Thanks anyway, Tony.

All right, let's go again.

Here we go.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I was just a girl working at a hot dog stand when a movie star asked me out on

date. I happened to save his life, and so in order to save Ace, he told

everybody that I'm a professional bodyguard.

Which, of course, I am not, trust me.

But then I was asked to be a figurehead at a bodyguard agency, and they said I'd

never have to use any weapons or be in any danger.

And I always am.

You ask me? What Iris needs is a kick in the caboose. Hey, now, come on now, cut

her some slack.

Haven't you heard of an artistic temperament?

Hasn't Iris Leon heard of Prozac?

Although, I hear they're doing great things with St. John's Ward.

Ha! Hello, VIP.

Very insolent people.

It's Adam Elliott, Iris' manager.

Probably looking for Nicky's head on a pike.

What? You want to hire us?

No, no, no, no. We're way too expensive. You probably couldn't afford us.

Oh, sure.

Okay. We'll be right there.

You guys, Iris has an award show coming up, and she really needs our help. She

has some stalker guy following her around, and he's hanging out in a town

and she has a show tonight, so she needs us to protect her.

see you again.

Good to see you. You remember, um, Nikki and Quick? Oh, how could I forget such

talented assistants?

Assistants? No, they're full -blown, um, associates.

Oh, hey, moving on up.

Terrific. Really, you should be proud of yourselves, and I mean that. Look, why

don't we sit down, huh?

Okay. Great.

So, tell me, is it true what they say in People Magazine that you and Iris have

been engaged three times?

Oh, well, yeah, but hey, this time, we are going all the way. I mean, you know,

when something's right, hey, you can just feel it.

You two deserve each other. Aw, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Okay, so, now I guess all we have to do is settle on our prices.

Well, the way we heard it, it's twice our usual rate.

$10 ,000 a day for round -the -clock protection.

Round -the -clock protection?

No, that's good. That's funny. No, um, really, see, if Iris needed round -the

-clock protection, I'd get her some roll -on deodorant, okay? We just need you

this afternoon.

We don't work by the hour.

Yeah, Nikki's right. You can't provide proper security piecemeal.

Oh, no, sure you can. Come on, if you're on a budget, work with me.

But what about that stalker? Aren't you worried about that guy? I mean, in the

town car?

Well, yeah, sure I'm worried. I mean, hey, Iris is the love of my life. Well,

not to mention my meal ticket, huh?

Well, then I'm sure you'll want her covered at the nominee's party tonight.

Uh, tonight? No, no, no, no, no. See, the stalker only bothers her in the

daytime. Now, uh, look, just get her through the sound check today. Can you

do that for me, please?

What do you say, Val?

For old time's sake?

Okay, I did it.

I checked out the bathrooms.

Did you find anything?

Well, the toilet paper's kind of scratchy, but at least they have those.

you for sharing.

Phil McNabb looks like Fox 11's got you on tape.

Oh, CCG, cute camera guy.

Valerie Irons, the world's greatest bodyguard. So, you're here protecting

Leone? Yeah, I am, and it's a lot of fun.

You incompetent idiot.

What's the main thing you have to do as a stand -in?

That's right, stand.

Uh, most of the time.

Excuse me.

Get this. Get this over.

That's why you're called standing.

If I wanted someone to sit, I would have hired a sitting.

Here's an idea. You're fired.

Go stand in on the unemployment line.

You're about my size. You can stand in for me. Can you handle that?

Something wrong with your face?

What is the matter with you?

And get her out of here. Not on your life, girl. This is something my viewers

have got to see. Iris Leon having one of her legendary bad days.

You get rid of her. I'm just a fan now.

I couldn't possibly let Fox 11 know all the pressures that you're under. You

know, all the people that want your autograph and your pictures and sending

chocolates. You never know what's in them. It could be nuts, cream filling,

chocolate -covered ants.

I don't like the ones with the cherry.

Cherries don't taste like that. I hate the nougat one. Yeah, they get all stuck

in your teeth.

Probably. Looks like Val's saving Iris' bacon.

Yeah, and laying on the ham.

Can you drive in the passing lane? I don't want to be close to the curb.

He has a backseat driver's license.

What was that?

Nothing.

Turn on the air purifier. I have allergies.

Does anybody know what time it is?

Three minutes later than the last time you asked?

Already?

Nikki, step on it!

Don't worry. Miss Leon has plenty of time to get to the nominee's party.

No, we have to get to the big screen first.

Fox 11's interview?

I usually hate those things.

But I have to admit, this one went okay.

I'm glad you're right then.

Well, at least I could do.

I understand it.

Problem, people.

That's him. That's the guy that's been haunting me all week.

Spin and roll it. Come up behind him.

Oh, no. That's car chase time. We don't have time for a car chase.

Okay,

do a 180. Let's see what this cowboy wants.

You need one more crazy turnout.

Come out nice and easy and nobody gets hurt.

I knew he was too good to be a stalker.

How can you be sure he isn't one? No, no, no. Keep your hiney in the car,

I can explain everything, okay?

I was hired to do this. You know, drive aggressively around Iris.

And who was the genius who came up with that idea?

Adam Elliott.

And he had someone else, but it didn't work out.

Son of a bitch!

So you mean this case is totally bogus?

Bill, I was trying to drum up some publicity for Iris' new CD.

And you went along with that? He said it was harmless.

Look, if I nailed it with you, I would have told you.

Although I thought I recognized that fancy driving in you.

so they're using real bullets.

Come on, more oil, more oil.

Oh, come on. Oh, yeah, that's a sweet spot, baby.

Oh, bring it on. More oil, more oil. Come on, you can't hurt it, honey.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, honey, you're awesome.

Oh, hey, what's going on? Come on, baby.

You can't hurt it, honey.

Oh, yeah, I'll bring on the Rolf in action. Maybe I should break it off.

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on.

I mean, you know, a guy works hard, he gets a few kinks. Whatever, pretzel man.

Why was Johnny Lowe tailing us?

What do you mean, tailing? No, no, anybody can tail. I requested ominous

vehicular activity.

Did you also request this?

A couple of bozos were shooting at us.

Oh, my God, well...

Is she okay? Where is she? She's fine.

She's kicking back with Quick.

And you're not real high on our must -see list right now.

So why are you playing us?

All right, look.

I was, you know, dreaming up the Johnny thing just to turn up the PR heat a

little bit. You know, give her an edge at the awards ceremony.

You scared your fiancé half to death for publicity.

You know, you are sick. You are a brick. You're worse than a brick. You're a

cinder block.

Oh, come on, you guys. This is a surprise to me, too, huh?

I mean, who are these guys? Did you catch them?

I'll work with you. It's over.

Sayonara, sucker.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses. Whoa, now.

You know I love you.

And Iris insists on having you around. So come on, what do you say? Let's bury

the hatchet.

No, I won't do anything for you until you apologize to us.

I'm sorry.

Really. You know, I will call Iris. I will beg her forgiveness.

And full time at our premium rate.

Tough, but fair. Okay, I accept.

No, one more thing, one more thing. Johnny works with us.

Fine.

I can't believe you get all of this stuff for free.

This is just a fraction of my wardrobe.

I like to pack light.

Iris, here you go.

Rudy, this is a lemon. I need to calm, not cleanse.

Lime, Rudy, I said lime.

It's impossible to find good help.

You obviously have the same problem.

How come you insisted on hiring us because we're all losers?

You may be losers as people, but you're good at what you do.

See, that really makes me want to take a bullet for you.

Iris, what about this one?

$2 .80.

This? $2 .90.

What about this one? Rudy, I'm going to a party, not a funeral.

You're boring me.

What's this one?

Just enough flair and trashy enough to say I'm not quite a hooker.

A dangerous bodyguard with a deadly eye for fashion.

Nice combo.

You'll wear this one.

Oh, no, I can't. Gold's not my color.

And plus, I don't want people to think I'm copying you.

Exactly. Me, Iris Leone, you stand in. I'll wear a wig.

Comprende? No, I'll talk about it.

So where's old Johnny boy? Clock's ticking.

He's homestyle -ing it up. He's going to hook up with us at the Pantages.

So much for punctuality.

You want to share with the whole class?

I'm just saying, if this was my first gig as a paid bodyguard, I would... He'd

spend so much time flirting with the co -check girl, her boyfriend would start a

fight, our client would hit the road, and you'd get your clock cleaned.

I was there.

Yeah, well, at least I was on time. And my clock was good and dirty. That's

right. I hate to interrupt your little verbal joust, but I detected a Class A2

breach in the Pantages security interface.

English, please.

24 security key codes were issued, and only 23 have been accounted for.

Oh, no way we can guard all those exits.

I can.

I'll just hack into their security computer and keep an eye on the doors

electronically. If anyone tries to use that key code, I'll give you a holler.

Tay, you kick booty.

Yeah, sometimes I do.

Oh,

Rock y 'all!

The code key belongs to our good friend Adam Elliot.

He claims it was stolen, but he forgot to report it.

Your life's in danger.

Some Nimrod already snuck in. He might be stalking your butt right now. Oh, my

God. I'm going to vomit. Don't worry, Iris. We'll handle it. Get her out of

here. You sex it.

The bad guy's already inside. It might be too late.

Well, I'm Iris' stand -in, so I'll just play decoy and I'll go away.

All right.

All right. But the funky lighting in here just might play.

I'll get the wig.

Wow. I think we're all right. There's no sign of the bad guy.

Oh, yeah.

It's way better song.

Oh, I'm sorry. I have to go. We have an answer.

That was close.

Yo, yo, yo.

Miss Iris Leon's fitting to blow up the spins. Not one of new cuts call. We

represent represent y 'all.

You can hear the beat.

No, that's it. That'll fix that just fine.

Oh, no, wrong way. Wrong way, you guys.

You come first.

So what, you don't understand? You don't understand? No, we understand just

fine.

I'm telling you, by the time Iris hits Europe, we are going to be able to fill

Wembley. Why don't you just book her in the Grand Canyon?

That's a great idea.

Hey, you got a way around the acoustics problem? Don't you know that Iris' style

needs an intimate venue? She's getting buried under all this techno jive.

Yeah, well, that jive is what brings in the crowd, and the crowd's bringing the

green, pal.

I'm going to go get a few coffees. Yeah, right.

If anyone's complaining, it should be me. I'm the one that had to reschedule

shiatsu to go over this.

Yeah, talk to me.

Somebody used your key card to break into the party tonight.

So I'll take care of it. Come on, that's why I pay you people the big bucks.

Hey, how come I don't hear fiesta sounds?

We're at our safe house with your girl.

What? No, no, no, no, no, no. You get her butt back to that party, okay?

Now, her career's right on this, and you're chopping it down like George

Washington's cherry tree.

We felt it wasn't Ms. Leone's best interest to vacate the premises.

Valerie Irons is decoying for her.

That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Let me talk to her.

Hey, sweetie, you okay?

First, these stupid bodyguards almost get a crap out of me. Now I'm cramped up

in some tacky penthouse.

Then they drive me over here in a car with vinyl seats.

Vinyl! You should have never listened to that dipwad.

I thought he was straight up, you know, working with Iris Leon and all.

He was using you.

I don't know. I just got this weird feeling that something's not right, you

know?

I need my skin moisturizer, Adam. I'm starting to get that itch. Yeah, I know,

baby. Listen, next time I see you, I'm going to slather you with moisturizer,

okay? Oh, listen, that's the other one. Got to go, babe. Ciao.

Yep.

Listen up, Elliot.

Because I'm only going to say this once.

Wait a minute. Who is this?

Are you from the network?

Look, if you ever want to see your little diva again, it's going to cost

buddy.

Like, um...

About a million bugs.

Yeah, well, listen, I got a better proposition. If you go anywhere near

you're dead meat, pal.

Oh.

Too late, big shot.

We already got her.

What do you mean, you've got Iris?

Like, in the last few minutes?

Do I stutter?

We felt it wasn't Miss Neal. It's his best interest to vacate the premises.

Valerie Irons is decoying for her.

That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

They kidnapped Valerie Irons.

Works for me.

What's so funny?

I want you to call my publicist and set me up with a press conference.

Tonight?

Do I stutter?

Come on, let's go. Move it, move it.

You know...

I'd be much happier if you guys would get me a decent chair. I mean, this one

hurts my butt.

I'd be a lot happier if you kept your trap shut.

Why don't you put that voice of yours to use and sing us a little tune, sweetie?

I don't bond with smelly men.

Brewmeister Williams, at your service.

Buzz, Buzz?

You know, we haven't had a chance to talk, but I'm a big fan of yours.

Sure. Fan of my miniskirts and cleavage, like every other hound in this town.

No, I was thinking more of your earlier tunes.

Moonlight Desire, Rogue Rendezvous, Settling for the Bat.

Selling for the best.

I never even recorded that one.

She sang it at some stupid nightclub.

The Blue Parrot on 3rd Street.

Their stage was held together. We're chewing gum.

Felt like it was going to collapse any second.

Coffee tasted like motor oil.

There was always this guy. He sat in the back, surrounded by bimbos.

Never saw his face.

But he'd always request settling for the best at least once a night.

Well, I'd asked for it twice, but I didn't want to wear it out.

That was you?

I kind of wish you were still doing music that speaks to the heart.

And they weren't all bimbos.

Adam says the real money's in dance tunes.

I didn't think money was your inspiration.

I can't believe you're that guy.

I always wondered who that was.

Now you know.

The way I treat you all, how come you're helping me?

You suck as a person, but you're good at what you do.

This is a cappuccino. I asked for a latte. Go foam me a fresh mug.

Go foam it yourself.

I know about blowing things.

She just blew that one big time.

You almost had one sincere fan.

It's not nice to eavesdrop.

Drag your sorry butt out of the Matrix and get a clue.

The world doesn't revolve around you.

Is that so?

Last time I looked.

You're just a spoiled brat with some great pipes.

You really know how to yank a girl's reins, don't you?

Feels kind of good.

Too bad I'm through.

Kidnapping has left me in complete shock.

I mean, I can't believe it's happened. And I am going to get to the bottom of

this, I promise you.

I never realized that when she was nominated, she'd be a target for

like this. I'm devastated.

I'm not kidnapped, you moron.

What is he talking about? Doesn't he know we have Iris?

And who got kidnapped?

Has anybody heard from Val?

Wasn't she with you? I thought she was with you.

You tap any more and my head is going to pop.

I can't believe you just interrupted my composing muse.

Gosh, it's so hot in here. We need some ventilation.

Fifteen minutes ago, it was too cold.

How am I supposed to get my creative juices flowing when all I have is this

stupid table to drum on?

This is the hideout.

Okay? It's not a friggin' concert hall, okay?

Hey, Mike.

Any words from the boss, man?

Negative, I... Oh, my God.

It's happening.

What? I need my hyperbaric chamber.

Yeah.

She's talking about one of those Michael Jackson oxygen tank thingies. You know,

all the great singers.

They've got them. Breathe.

Breathe. I need my chamber. I'm going to swallow my tongue and I'm going to die

and I'm going to be worth nothing.

She's right.

Hey, let's make her call Sugar Daddy while she's still breathing.

Breathe. Huh?

Iris, sweetie, why don't you tell them to back off, huh?

I can't.

I've been kidnapped, remember?

Yeah, look, I was just taking advantage of a little publicity op, huh? I mean,

really, I didn't have anything to do with the kidnapping, I swear.

You know, that face of yours could use a hood ornament.

Listen, they called me right after you did, okay? They said Iris was with them.

You knew it was Val, and you didn't tell us. Hey, look, it's not my fault you

can't protect your own people.

If Tasha and Quint can't find her, I swear you're going to be... Yeah,

Thought you might like to hear what your mill's gonna buy you, man.

Adam?

Hi!

Sweetie Cakes, um, pay the money, dear.

Or you're gonna have to tell the CBS guy I'm not gonna make my show.

Take the talk.

CBS? That door slammed to me so fast I almost lost my sex drive. Wait a minute,

is Val a CBS guy?

I think it's a clue.

Nikki, what is Val watching TV at?

Used to be Nash Bridges, but she kicked that two seasons ago.

No kidding, me too.

What's up with the colored baths? Whatever.

Wait a sec.

CBSG is Val's speak for cute bathing suit guy.

She's at the beach.

Joe doesn't give us enough.

Well, I'm guessing you're probably the type of freak who takes phone calls.

Maybe.

Maybe

Jay

can sniff something out.

Come on.

You.

We've got some unfinished business.

Hey, John, baby, now come on. You know how I work.

I need some more water. No, no, I'm sorry. No, no, no. The trimmers have

stopped. The trimmers have stopped.

Sure? Yes.

Hello, boss.

When are we going to Disneyland?

Shut up, Logan.

You imbecile.

What? Do you know who this is?

Who are you?

Valerie Irons.

I thought you buffoons were from out of town, not another planet. She fits the

description. Just shut the hell up, okay? Shut up.

Iris Leon is a rare diamond.

Not some cheesy wannabe.

Kill it. It's about time.

Come on. Pick it up.

If you put David Hasselhoff, his whole crew is split for her life.

You don't need David Hasselhoff.

You

idiot!

That fool's got a killer.

I will not die. I need to body myself.

It's a tape from Adam's office.

Hi, Adam. This is Susie Q.

I've been a bad little boy, Susie Q.

That's obviously the wrong side.

Thought you might like to hear what your mill's going to buy you, man.

Adam, sweetie cakes. Pay the money, dear.

Or you're going to have to tell the CBS guy I'm not going to make my show.

Tick tock. You hear that?

Right there.

There's something there.

Tick tock.

I know that sound from somewhere.

It's the range and frequency the KGB uses to inflict psychological pain on

suspected spies.

That's not it.

Sounds more like the ring bell for a prize fight.

No.

Reminds me of a bullet ricocheting off the railing at one of those shooting

galleries.

That's it.

Not the arcade.

When I was younger, I spent some enchanted summer evenings down by the

where they had a very big foghorn. I remember once Larry Peterman drove me

there in his brand new Celica, the time with the hatchback, and just when he

started to get fresh with me... Okay, who's that is?

The Malibu? Here.

Okay, let's go. You, you're with us until we find his kidnapper.

So tell me, Adam, what's a big buff man like you wear to work on a hot, steamy

day like this?

Um, just hold on to me. Can you do that?

There she is!

There she is!

Come on, get right down here!

There she goes!

Just let go of me, would you?

Go! Go!

He's going now!

Get that dude.

Crazy coat, they need it cracked!

No, you drop it.

I got here as soon as I heard.

Rudy, what the hell's your problem?

You promised me a partnership in the label. I haven't seen squat.

Oh, I exaggerate. Everybody knows that. I'm the one who discovered her.

I'm the one who convinced you to sign her. Hey, I'm the one that made her,

not you.

Yeah, but I'm the one... I'm the one who understands her.

Oh, my God. You love her, don't you, Rudy?

He loves me.

I've always loved you.

And you deserve her.

You treat her like an object.

What? Well, this isn't any way to show your love. Don't push me.

Hallmark card.

Godiva chocolate.

Lick her face like a big puppy dog. What the hell do you know?

I know that Iris Leon will never love a killer.

Come here, baby, come here.

Hey, hey, hey, now that it's finally over, we can be together with no

distractions. Dream on.

At least Rudy did what he did out of love.

Iris, baby, listen, you'll sleep on it, and then you'll realize that you and I

were made for each other. Hey, you did twice before. Oh, that had to hurt.

It didn't worse.

It's so cool. We get to see an Iris Leone concert.

Where is Quick?

Hey,

right here.

I'm right here, baby.

You better be careful. Your girlfriend might get a little mad.

Little Iris?

Oh, you're kidding, right?

Listen, the lady's got great pipes, but the rest I can do without.

Is she really going to sing on that little teeny stage?

That's right.

Unplugged and uninhibited, just the way she should be. Whatever with unplugged.

I mean, if it's not screaming out of a Marshall stack, it ain't music.

Shh. Here she comes.

I'd like to dedicate this first song to someone who wasn't afraid to speak from

the heart so I could sing for mine.

Someone whose inner courage and sweet words have made a big impression on me.

Thank you.