Original subtitles

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Here, let's go to Ritz in Oslo.

Val, I hate to detonate your bubble, but we're not going to Norway.

Yes, we're going to go to Norway and forget this job. This guy is a Norwegian

dignitarian. He has connections.

And there he is.

Valerie Irons. Mr. Knudsen.

Torvald, please.

It's an honor to meet the bodyguard to the stars.

Well, it's an honor to meet someone of your dignitariness.

Oh, I'm sorry.

My associates, Luke Williams and Nikki Franco, and they've never been to

We'll have to remedy that. Oh, and forgive me. This is my associate, Yvonne

Brevik. She was the one who insisted I needed protection.

If you have a move, I wanted to ask you about some of the sites.

So why do you think you need protection?

It's all relating to this Friday's peace conference with Sweden.

I thought you and Sweden were tight.

Our country has been quietly feuding with Sweden over territorial fishing

boundaries for years.

So who would want to turn fishing into a contact sport?

We're not exactly sure.

I recall reading about another member of your team, Miss Dexter.

Tasha. She had a prior engagement. She's meeting an old friend.

It's okay. I'm a doctor.

He looks dead.

Somebody call 911.

Hi, this is the girl working at a hot dog stand when a movie star asked me out

on a date.

I happened to save his life, and so in order to save his life, he told

that I'm a professional bodyguard.

Which, of course, I am not. Trust me. So then I was asked to be a figurehead at

a bodyguard agency, and they said I'd never have to use any weapons or be in

danger. And I always am.

That strange smell.

It's jasmine and vanilla rama. There's wonders for your mood. You'll see.

That's nice, sweetheart.

Really, Val?

I think I can take care of myself.

Really? Do the words Vegas hitman mean anything to you? Ponch, you're a

superstar, okay? There are lots of crazies out there. Oh, come on. That was

freak thing.

Look, I don't want to sound too egotistical, but everyone loves me.

Well, maybe someone loves you too much.

You know, I was at the video store the other day, and you know what I saw?

That little tubby?

No, no.

I saw, um, Chips 99.

She was staring at me. You know, 349, five days, four nights.

Spoke to me.

What's the sign?

Hey, buddy, you want to get a manicure, you got to take a number to get in line.

I think this guy's for real, Punch.

You know trabajo for you?

No. I used to work for you.

Jeffrey?

Production assistant Jeffrey from Chips?

You promised to make me co -producer if you made any Chips movies.

Gee, what kind of mood candle did you have on your set?

Oh, my God, I totally forgot.

I never thought we'd actually make a movie. You knew they were going to make

movie, but you kept putting them off, thinking I'd forget.

But I didn't.

I've waited 20 years.

Now you're going to pay.

Back off, Superboy!

Later.

Way to go, Val.

Pretty impressive, huh?

No, my nails. They look fantastic.

Hey, listen, how soon am I going to get that massage?

Scalp massage?

No, Val, no, not the hair.

Borschenko was an old KGB collaborator of mine. He called last night, said he

had something important to tell me. And then I found this chip on him.

Important. Sounds more like life and death.

What we're talking about, a shoe sale?

Bonds? Bonds or... Bonds.

Microchips, Val, you know, computer thingies.

You need to get a life.

You think you can crack that baby open?

Yes. And no.

It's a standard 72 -pin microchip that'll fit into any motherboard.

So what's the problem?

It's encrypted.

The text uses a Cyrillic alphabet.

Russian.

It's a list of Tregoran sleeper spies.

Really? What's a Tregorian?

Ooh. They were in episode 42 of Star Trek, the original series. They had

horns, and they spoke that word.

Um, Kay?

No. Tregoran was a scientist.

He brainwashed ordinary people into unwitting assassins who could be

by a code word or phrase.

Like the Manchurian Candidate. But for real. They were used in World War II to

assassinate key allies from the inside using their own people.

Most of those guys are probably dead now.

Yeah, most of them.

Can I get a hard copy of that?

Imagine eating your Wheaties for breakfast.

Like, thyroid of Saddam Hussein.

I'm going to knock off early.

You are?

Got a problem with that?

I've got some errands to run.

Errands? She's acting a little strange.

interesting yeah how would you describe it I

think it represents severe pain and suffering the red says blood lust

carnage death I too see the lust

Not your best look.

How do you fancy this one?

Another new face.

Not bad for an ex -KGB operative.

Well, my plastic surgeon is on retainer.

We need to talk.

You're my ex -husband. There's no one else I can trust.

Or Schenkel came to see me.

Michal, where is he?

Dead.

Sorry.

He left me something on a microchip.

Apparently not safe.

A list of active superstars.

Chegoren.

I thought they ended that program in 1949.

Brought it back for the Cold War.

Cold War's over.

You never know when you could use a good assistant, my darling.

Even one of their own?

Recognize that code name?

It's a monopoly, huh?

I know.

165 with a MAC -10.

1510 with a Glock 9mm.

My turn.

Lace bra, cotton panties, HK45 caliber.

You know me so well.

Now can we fix the mask, please?

I will.

you haven't been tough.

Never.

Just like all the time.

Love watching you work.

What the crazy crap is going on around here?

You remember the owl? My first and second husband.

Still playing dress -up, I see. That's what you consider an errand, going to

visit your ex -husband? No wonder you were married four times.

You know I have a private life.

Belle thought you might need some backup.

Yeah, I knew something was weird.

He's on the list of sleeper spies, isn't he?

No.

I am.

Portankus List dates to 1991 when Tasha was locked up in a severe prison.

I never told anyone that.

There's not much about you I don't know.

Anyway, it was a brief stay.

I must have been exposed to one of Treloin's experiments.

Oh, so if I say the wrong thing, you might turn into Darth Tasha?

Well, that wouldn't be much of a thing.

Don't be so sure.

If you're activated by the right code word... You would trample your own

to finish your assignment, if that's what it took.

There's no way you can stay on Norwegian bodyguard detail.

What for? I'm completely stable. I'm fine.

Right. Like plutonium roasting over an open fire.

Your friends are right.

You must be pristine, sir. Who's going to look after Mr. Newton?

Thorvald?

I'm taking him to the Hollywood Wax Museum.

Anyway, you should just go on a vacation. What?

A vacation, you know, where normal people go to be alone with their

That might be too scary for her.

I'll escort Mr. Knutson onto the stage and stand by his side at all times. What

about Miss Irons and Miss Bexler?

Val will be overseeing everything, and Tasha, she'll be in stealth mode manning

the perimeter of the building.

You won't even know she's there.

Very good.

At VIP, the client's needs always come first.

Hello, everyone.

How was the wax museum?

Put a wick in Elvis' head, you get a real bitching candle.

I thought it was extraordinary, the likenesses.

I had my picture taken with Benny Hill. Sir.

Yes, I know. We have appointments to attend to.

Tomorrow, Val is taking me to Universal Studios to have this new Terminator 3D

spectacular.

Whatever lubes your axle, dude.

Lubes?

Doctor looks totally stressed out.

Maybe I should take her for a ride to 7 -Eleven.

No thanks.

Oh, come on. I'll take your mind off this sleeper thingy. For your

I have better things to do than to go down to 7 -Eleven and check out the

slurpy sleeper.

Well, for your information, I'm just going to go down there for you.

I have more important things to do with my time, too, like catch up on my

reading.

VIP!

Come on, I can't talk on the phone.

He's right.

They might be trying to activate you.

Okay, pretend to be Tasha, find out what they want.

Give me a break.

Dexter.

Tasha Dexter.

I don't do that.

Yep.

Uh -huh.

That's right, tough guy.

Of course I know where it is. And if I didn't, I'd have a Thomas guy, damn it.

Give me a break.

Well, who is this?

I guess I did too good of a job.

He hung up.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, to be honest, Tasha, you don't exactly have the best phone presence.

ladies, get back to business, all right?

Whoever it was, sounded Russian.

He wants to meet with Tasha in one hour at a warehouse near LAX. Looks like

we're going to let her go.

Um, people, I'm right here. Sorry.

Give me the address, Kay. Not so fast.

I'm not going to live my life in fear. Give me the address, Kay.

Kay, no.

Someone's got to go in your place.

Put me on the absentee list. I've got a powwow with Newt's security team in like

45 minutes.

Sorry, but my leg hairs always get caught in those pantyhose.

Well, then who's going to go?

You're going to have to look like Tasha.

She's pretty tough, you know.

Lots of weapons.

Every time I see you, I just want to hold you tight.

Wrap my loving arms around you all through the

night.

Nobody can understand the silly games that we play.

Ooh, but you and me don't have to speak.

You know we're going all the way.

Yeah, we've got to go.

We've got to go.

Nine iron.

I am not going to be your caddy.

Good driver.

about whoever's behind the sleeper operation?

I'm thinking about my third husband, Ted.

Was he before or after the owl?

After. Which agency was he part of? FBI, CIA, KGB?

DDS.

Is that one of those rogue Eastern Bloc agencies?

He was a dentist in Peoria.

That's a good cover.

No, really.

He was a dentist.

I don't get it. It was a momentary lapse in sanity while I recovered from the

Siberian prison.

He wanted to give me a house in the suburbs, the kids, a station wagon.

He showered me with gifts and flowers every time I walked in the door.

I wanted to kill him.

Why?

Sounds like a dream come true.

He only wanted son.

They're not going to believe that I'm Pasha.

Sure they will. But if you need me, I'm a gunshot away.

Oh, that's comforting.

All right.

I'll do it.

Of course you're going to do it, you Valerie Irons. They both have become

seductive. Yeah.

Hmm.

Something's missing.

Yeah, there is it.

Duh.

Enter the red realm.

Okay.

Enter the red realm.

Is it over there?

Come on, guys, give me a clue.

That is not Tasha Dexter.

Duh. It's that bodyguard, the Lady Irons.

Surprise.

Now, who guards the bodyguard?

Work. Work.

About time. Always underappreciated.

Stay here.

Thank you.

Not that in my loins.

Well, they were loaded.

Duh.

Who are you?

It's Yao.

You again.

I knew you still had the hots for Tasha.

I think I owe her to find out who's behind it.

And did you?

I think now's your chance.

See what you're up against, comrade?

There's no way you're getting to Tasha.

You cannot do anything about it. We can get to her no matter what.

Die.

This VIP is an unforeseen obstacle.

Face -to -face activation is the only surefire way.

But... It's not the only way.

Call Sergei.

Hello?

This is Sergei.

Yes.

Yes. Yeah.

Understand everything perfect.

All right,

that's it.

24 -hour protection.

Guaranteed.

Hi, Costa.

I'm monitoring the line.

Delighted you could join us.

Meet my staff.

This is Carson.

She's the commissioner of fishing and agriculture.

And this is Trina, one of our most revered marine biologists.

Do you always do this naked?

Of course.

She's our customer.

Who wants to soak in their clothes?

Get yourself in the top and tell us all about yourself.

Well, that's all that happened to me in fourth grade.

Lindström, that Swedish meatball.

Meatball?

Jan Lindström.

Sweden's representative to the peace court.

Always fussing over every minor detail of the treaty.

I think I'll have to have a talk with him.

Bad idea.

Thanks.

You're up, Anne.

I love him.

This is driving me crazy.

Being toothed up like this?

No. Letting you touch my hair.

That's what Val and Maxine like to do when I'm here.

So, why don't we play a nice, relaxing game of Twister?

Why don't I twist you?

What are you doing here?

You called me?

No, I didn't.

You knew you were on the list.

You didn't need me to confirm it.

What can I do for you, my love?

I'm happy to see you, Peter.

You don't need to do anything.

You can't always be a rock.

What if I like being a rock?

Rocks are very lonely.

When I was in that prison, it was the closest I ever came to breaking.

I kept hoping that you would come for me.

I know.

Okay, girls, we have the Manchurian candidate and the Ipcris file. Two

brainwashed assassin films.

You want to remind me of the torture that I'm going through?

See?

Look at the evil dead. That's what I told her. Okay, how about a comedy, The

Naked Gun? Okay, the next time you guys have this idea about wanting to do

something nice for me, don't.

Look it, you are stuck with us for the next 12 hours, little Miss Prankter.

Okay, you know what?

Maybe I was a little hasty. Why don't we just watch a movie, and I'll just go

put some butter on the popcorn.

I'm on to you, Tasha Duxter.

Okay, you got me.

And by the way, that's called the lazy locker, my latest invention.

I have been thinking.

Why do I smell danger? Look, this could be the vacation we've never had. We

could hang out, we could build forts, we could hang from the lambs, we could do

all sorts of things, paint our toes, we'll have a lot of fun.

Okay, you know what? I would rather have acid slowly drop into the back of my

skull till a force holds in my brain. Oh, no.

Personally, I think this is much more fun.

We have a viewer fan mail today. Donnie, do you want to read it? Okay, here's

one from Sherry in Phoenix, Arizona. She writes, Dear Donnie.

Sorry, Marie.

She says, Dear Donnie, I have been the biggest fan of yours ever since I was a

little girl. Oh, that's sweet. Thank you, Sherry. She says, I'm still a fan

even though I'm 40 years old and married. You still look great for your

Thank you, Sherry.

My heart will always stay open to you if things don't work out.

with your wife, feel free to enter the red realm of my heart.

Enter the red realm. What is this?

The red realm is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers.

No, I have no idea.

Enter the red realm.

Red realm.

Enter the red realm.

Wait, wait, wait. Where are you going?

To get a glass of water.

Oh, yeah. I sure heard that one before.

Your turn.

Fine.

Hey,

I appreciate kinky stuff as much as the next girl, but that ain't no drink of

water.

Oh, my God, you guys, there's something in his tooth.

Donnie has, like, this in his teeth.

Why can't you make me hurt you?

What's up?

Something's wrong. There's a staircase somewhere.

That's right. I got a skeleton key.

There's something you don't see every day.

Let it go.

Be right back, Linton. Don't go anywhere.

Rue.

You again?

I knew your few friends could contain you. Quick. Now get out of my way.

Can't do it.

I'm going to enjoy this.

Watch out. I play to win.

You always play to win.

I'm sorry.

Too bad.

This is starting to get hot.

Searching in the trash bin, I'm digging in the dirt.

I'm cracking all the hard cells to maybe find a pearl.

I'm going down a tunnel, I'm picking at the lock.

I'm pleasing in the alley and I'm underneath a rock. Save me, Daddy.

Save me, Daddy.

Save me.

Come to me in buckets and wash away the stain.

The sun is almost rising, still last night on my face.

A trail of black mascara leading to your place. Save me, daddy.

Save me, daddy. Sorry, man. No smoking allowed on bus days, I promise.

Yeah, we just need a cigarette.

Alan's a good example.

That's what I thought. You can have the rest of mine.

They must have planted

someone on the Donny and Marie set.

But how'd they know she'd watch?

That Vogue interview Val did.

She said, and I quote...

I never miss an episode.

What self -respecting bad guy reads a woman's fashion mag?

Oh, my gosh, I think I've got it.

Yes. What? Ah. What? In light of recent events, I thought it might be a good

idea if I tagged Tasha with a few tracking devices, just in case something

this happens.

Oh, it seems like Miss Dexter is headed north on the 405 as we speak.

Okay, well, Nikki's already coming in the streets.

Well, we have to do something.

The only problem is Val and I have to escort Knudsen to the peace conference

20 minutes.

I'm calling Nick.

Hi, Nick. Hey.

Yeah, Kay, what's shaking?

He's about five miles ahead of you on a limping.

Not for long.

So, are you enjoying your stay in Los Angeles?

Very much. Thanks to you, Valerie.

I feel so safe with you.

The first tracking device is

in her cell phone, which she doesn't seem to be answering.

Maybe she has caller ID.

The second tracking device won't be so easy for her to find.

Where is it? In her car's engine block.

No.

Signal split.

She must be on foot.

I'm pretty proud of the last device.

I put it somewhere she will never find.

We lost her. What, that crazy chick?

What crazy chick? Crazy chick that took off on my bike.

Huh? Dark hair?

Darker attitude?

That's her.

Took off toward Cal U.

Newsome. He's the target.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to the special envoy from

Scandinavia, Mr. James Potter.

Today marks a monumental moment.

and Scandinavian history.

It is our hope that by day's end... I'll be right by your side the whole time.

Thank you.

And where will you be, Valerie?

Oh, me? I, um... I got your back.

I've always wanted to say that.

However, due to certain discrepancies in the fishing boundaries, both our

countries have been losing on major profit potential.

With this new union, Couldn't talk. Val, Nikki's on her way over. Did you get

Tasha? Not exactly, but they're both headed your way.

Nikki thinks Knutson is the target.

That's a big coincidence.

I can't believe I didn't figure this out sooner. The whole time Norway and

Sweden have been fighting, guess who's been grabbing up all the fishing rights?

Jacques Cousteau.

The Russian mob.

God, I don't like those guys.

Why can't it be the American mob? You know, the guys who hug a lot and eat a

of pasta. Put horse heads in people's beds. Val! I'm on it. I'm on it.

We've been opening the door.

Here's the gist of it. They're doing a lot of pitching in Russia these days,

Knutson is Tasha's target.

Whoever triggered Tasha must have known she had access to Knutson.

Well, Knutson knew, but it sounds like he tried to kill himself.

Knutson's assistant, Yvonne.

The arch.

Listen, I'm going to go look for Tasha. You stay here with Newsom.

Don't let him go on stage.

I got his back.

You learn to share the waters that surround our peninsula.

Don't go on stage.

Why not?

Charlie said so.

All right.

We're both Norway and Sweden suck, and most essential parts lie.

For far too long, we have been undermining each other's progress,

an interesting battle for us both.

Even worse, we've been opening the door to third -party pirates.

With the emergence of a joint Scandinavian fishing commission,

we can band together in the fight against outsiders.

With this common bond, we can begin to profit once.

If we learn to share the waters that surround our peninsula,

the benefits have the potential to reach well beyond our wildest imaginations.

If you keep popping up like that, someone might get hurt.

I urge you all to consider the advantages that this union wants to

why I know you cannot do it.

You said I couldn't control it.

Knutson, you don't know what the man that you're protecting is?

I'm a judge to be poor.

You're lucky I'm busy, Frostbite.

Don't do that. Ari, where's Knutson?

Val's watching.

You see Yvonne?

Yeah, I just passed her.

You let her go?

Yeah, why?

Because she's the inside man. I mean, woman.

I thought you were watching Knutson.

He's in the bathroom. I think he's having a little problem. I think he's

constipated.

Empty. You knew I was in prison, and you didn't come for me.

It was Gulag.

Move, Peter.

Tasha, you can't do this. I can, and I will.

I don't believe you. If you don't believe her, then believe me.

What are you doing here?

Enter the Red Realm, Tasha, and complete your assignment.

Enter the Red Realm. The Red Realm.

Look at you, letting someone else pull your strings.

Enter the Red Realm, Tasha.

Enter the Red Realm and kill the Swedish ambassador.

I'm not going to ask you again, Peter.

Move. Tasha. Enter the Red Realm and kill anyone that gets in your way. Enter

the Red Realm, Tasha. Enter the Red Realm, Tasha.

Enter the Red Realm. Enter the Red Realm, Tasha. And kill anyone that gets

your way.

Tasha, don't do it.

Enter the Red Realm now. Kill the ambassador from Sweden.

I thought you wanted world peace.

Everyone has a price.

Tasha, shoot the owl, then shoot Miss Iris.

With pleasure.

I love you, Tasha.

You and everyone else.

Okay. Tasha, that's enough. As your boss, I'm requiring that you take two

off.

I said I didn't need a vacation.

Well, I think you do.

And why don't you ever listen to me? Why don't you ever do what you're told? Do

what you're told.

For one, you are not my boss.

And second, I don't need a stupid vacation.

Get out of her way.

Knudsen was the inside man.

They're trying to kill the Swedish dignitary.

Well, there goes our free trip to Norway.

Looks like the owl flew the coop.

He'll be back.

And what do you have to say for yourself?

I hope Knudsen's check cleared.

The sleeper program has been put to bed for the last time.

Did the hypnotist mention why you didn't follow Newton's orders? He said the

only thing that would break the spell would be an intense emotional counter

-response. In my case, extreme anger.

No thank yous needed.

No thank yous needed.

Okay, Val.

Yes.

You triggered my anger.

See? I'm handy for something.

Something really weird did happen in that warehouse. Some weird voice spoke

me. My ears started ringing and it started echoing. Let me guess.

Enter the hot pink realm?

That's it.

I am the Valinator.

Darth Val.

Val Addictorian. Can I please have a vacation from that, okay?

You must do as I say or suffer the consequences.

Go to the kitchen and get me a half -calf, grande, non -fat, no -wet mocha.

Okay, you know what? I'm going to. Okay? For you.

Open the door!

Okay. I get it. That's funny. That's such a good joke.

Open the door. You are bad, but I love it.