Original subtitles

Morgan, you have a funny way of feeding traffic.

Well, I've been taking these hang gliding lessons and I got hooked.

Besides, this is just a short hop from my house down the hills. I mean, what

could go wrong?

Who are those guys?

Oh, those guys are having some kind of business war with my manager.

Quick, the shooter's in a yellow convertible on PTH.

He's got a dozen friends surrounding the area. You better turn back.

Oh, Val, I just can't turn back. I've got to make this date. I'm hosting a

Western gala to raise desperately needed funds for Hollywood screenwriters over

40.

In that case, we better drop in.

Are you crazy?

Don't worry, I do this all the time. Quick, the nursery truck.

I can't believe we made it. Next time we're taking a limo. Right.

You guys don't understand. I got my lucky punch. I'm not a bodyguard. But we

are. You'll just be a figurehead.

Name on the door. You'll probably never even leave the office.

You'll help us pull in the rich and famous.

We'll do the rest. We're professionals.

We'll take care of all the tough stuff.

So I'll never be in any danger?

Never. Never?

Never.

Now these squiggly double L's in Quick's name mean loving and lots of it. Lord

of love?

True that.

Where'd you learn this John Hancock mumbo jumbo? I'm taking a handwriting

analysis class at UCLA Extension.

Why? Because first impressions are important. I have a lot of fan mail.

Next.

Now when I look at this and I see the wide loop of the Y and the circle dot

the I, it means excitement and danger.

That is like a window.

Into my soul.

I may look mild -mannered, but inside, I am an action junkie just waiting to

get out.

And this action junkie comes out when?

Someday. Someday very soon.

Oh, no.

I'm late for my appointment at Comco, the Westside computer retail place.

As I was saying.

Oh.

Is that a signature or an EKG?

This is Vlad the Impaler.

The harsh upstrokes mean violent mood swings and not very good reactions to

criticisms and a lot of anger.

Thanks.

That's Tasha.

Hello, Vlad the Impaler. Protecting.

Bippy? Hello, I'm calling for Kate Simmons.

Oh, Kate? You just missed her.

This is Stu.

Solomon. Kay and I were an item back in college.

You guys used to go out?

She never mentioned me.

Oh, Stu Solomon, yeah.

Yeah, she talks about you all the time. Well, good, good, because I'm going to

come out there and we'll have to get together. Does she have email?

Kay? Good, yeah.

Okay.

Later. Later.

Our little Kay's growing up.

Clay?

Something the matter?

How's it going on your end?

You putting that $200 ,000 good use, Stu?

Yeah, I'm going to get you a complete accounting of that as soon as we get

to the office. Oh, that's not necessary.

You know my associates, Vincent, Kay.

Hey, guys.

You know, Stu, I know I'm not going to see spit of that money I loaned you.

But I'm going to rest very easy knowing that you're going to be part of this

building forever.

Oh, Clay!

Clayton, come on. Wait a second. Clayton, come on. Guys, take it easy.

listen. Be reasonable.

Look, you guys kill me, and this project is never going to get done. I got

information that Godfrey needs right up here.

You know what our problem is?

We're not paid to be smart like you are. Oh, God.

God, please don't let this happen.

New voice recognition software. Viable in 14 languages.

A multi -layered DVD backup drive.

And coffee for the kitchen. Regular and unleaded. Thank you. Wow. Computer

prodigy and assistant extraordinaire.

Is there anything she can't do?

Well, I could probably do a little more if you guys ever gave me the chance.

Well, okay. Whatever you're doing, it must be enough.

Your old boyfriend, Stucco, he's coming into town.

Stewie? Stewie Solomon?

Was there more than one Stewie?

Actually, yes.

Well, yes, his last name is Solomon, and yes, he's trying to reach you.

Val said he left you an email.

Oh, my gosh.

Stewie and I had quite a little thing going in college.

Oh, there were these two karaoke bars in Madison that we used to close down

every Thursday night.

We used to dream about life after college.

And why, pray tell, didn't this little romance work out?

That's all Stewie liked to do, was dream.

But who knows? Maybe he's made something of himself by now.

Wow.

He's a big Chicago developer now.

Advancing a hot, exciting new L .A. project.

Says he always thinks about me.

I've often wondered if I did the wrong thing leaving the two of you behind.

Sounds like he's wondering too.

I'm really sorry, Mr. G, but what it comes down to, we're not really hitting

No, your screw -ups is what you want.

Looks like you said it, Del.

Okay,

I'm going with a pro on this one.

What's that girl's name up in Malibu?

Back door gal.

So -called because her victims never see the hit coming.

Ramona Flynn.

What are you, her biographer?

She and I have been keeping in touch since the set up the Vasquez hit.

Okay, good. So the two of you go out to L .A., you give her the job. You stay

out of her way.

Yeah, okay, but I ain't never actually seen her. We send each other email.

Sherry, give me Ramona Flynn in Malibu.

Flynn.

Mm -hmm.

You got it.

Just as soon as I finish up some other business.

Right.

This isn't fair.

I didn't know you were some kind of assassin.

That's the point, stupid.

Please, I have a wife and kids.

One, I checked, and the only child you have is your inner child, which is about

to become dead.

Two, if your wife saw you here with me, she'd probably kill you herself.

I have cash.

Right here.

I'll double what you're being paid.

Take it.

I've been

hit.

Maybe you've outgrown this guy. I mean, you do work for a world -famous

bodyguard agency now.

I'm the receptionist.

You're a computer whiz.

Could you imagine we'd have to pay somebody if we had to get them to figure

bits and bytes stuff?

Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, we'll give you a raise.

That's not it.

I left Stu because he was a dreamer, but now he's realizing his dreams.

And I'm the one still waiting to be a part of the action.

There he is.

Oh, Val.

It's been six and a half years.

Oh, come on.

We'll knock him dead. Go get him.

I'll catch up with you later.

Stay with him for now until Ramona takes over.

Ramona?

You're talking about the woman I love, okay?

She's a stone cold killer.

Hey.

Hey.

God, look at your hair.

It's so short.

You're not going to believe this.

Sir.

What a pro.

We haven't even got a dossier on him yet.

And she's on him tighter than bicycle pants.

So good to see you.

Finally, I'm here.

Hey.

Wow. Hello.

Sue, I'd like you to meet my friend and my boss, Val Iron.

Valerie Iron's protection. Your reputation precedes you. Heard all about

Chicago. Really? Chicago?

I got a fan letter from Iceland once. The Y's and the G's were very cold.

Uh, you know what? I gotta get my bags. And to tell you the truth, I'd feel a

lot safer if you'd go with me.

Why don't you two get the bags and I'll get the car?

Are you sure?

Mm -hmm.

I'll meet you out front in two shakes.

Let's go, Romeo.

You are something else, Ramona.

Excuse me? It's me, Vincent.

Lovebutton99 at AOL .com.

It's a shake.

I'm sure you're mistaking me for someone else.

Always keep it covered, right?

We got something for you. Something you'll need for Stu.

You know Stu?

Developed for France, sent us out here from Chicago.

Oh. Oh.

Well, why don't you give it to me, and I'll make sure you get it.

What?

Wait a second.

Come on, not afraid of us.

Make sure nobody's following us.

Che used to race Formula One. He's the best there is.

we going?

Losing any possible tail?

I feel I should warn you, I get car sick very easily.

Yeah, right.

I get nipples too sometimes when I'm on a job.

Don't mind Shag.

Here's everything you need.

Reservations, instructions, and your down payment.

Down payment?

Yeah. Half up front, half on completion.

Well, that's okay, isn't it?

I hope I don't have to count it.

Don't worry.

You're the last person we're going to mess with.

That's weird. Where is she?

Have you ever known Arcadia via Blake?

She's probably out getting the car washed in detail, maybe rotating the

something. No, she did that last week.

There was a ding in the fender, though, so maybe she's getting that taken care

of.

Hey, taxi!

What's the rush?

She'll probably beat us there.

Naturally, we pick up all expenses.

Naturally. All that we ask is that the hit is done by Friday. The hit?

By Friday.

Isn't that a little soon?

Hey, you're the best.

That's why the boss came to you.

Maybe I'll drop by your hotel later.

for a personal debriefing.

Yo, quick, my man, let me ask you a question.

Where's the hotel where I can have a real important business meeting? I'm

talking about something real swanky. My man Judson's day manager over at

Gable's. He can take care of you. All right, man, thanks.

Hey, where have you been?

Val's been looking all over for you.

Okay, we go to meet Duke.

He and Val go off to get the bag. Four seconds later, these two goombas, one of

whom used to drive in the demolition derby or something, come and take me for

little ride and give me this.

Hi. Did I mention that you haven't changed at all since college? Oh, that's

lot of loot.

100 ,000 mackers.

I counted it. Block, 9 millimeter.

No numbers. I hit person's dream.

Hey, Doc, here on the Target. Plus hotel reservations at Le Chateau Noir. They

think that I am some kind of contract killer.

They want me to hit Stu.

What were the guys you talked to?

I don't know.

Vincent and Shay.

They kept calling me Ramona.

Ramona. Ramona Flynn, local hit woman. She cozies up to her targets, gains

trust. They never see the hit coming.

Sounds like a total pro.

She's competent.

You got something you want to tell us, Stu?

Huh?

You guys know how it is. You know, it's about that downtown sports center we're

putting together.

Deal this big, people come out of the woodwork after you.

Maybe it'd be good if I kind of, you know, stayed close to you guys. So

You mean my free bodyguard?

Well, of course we wouldn't charge Stu.

That is a great idea.

And I know just how to handle this.

They think I'm that hit woman, right?

So if I just keep pretending to be her, then no one else is going to try to kill

Stu. Okay?

You're way out of your league, all right? Okay.

You're not a real bodyguard. I mean, there are certain skills only real

bodyguards have.

You mean like Val?

I am always buying coffee for dangerous people or hacking into dangerous places,

but I never get a piece of the danger for myself.

This would be a chance for me to make danger my middle name.

Anything's better than eugenia.

I didn't need to know that.

Fill that sucker with hot lead.

Maybe blanks would be better.

Blanks would be better.

I'm going to call you back.

That feels good.

Who is it?

It's me, Love Button 99.

Bubbly, just like you.

You shouldn't have.

Really?

Surprised we haven't heard from you for the past couple days.

Oh, well, you know, that hitman thing.

The cozying and betrayal, it can just be so exhausting.

That's why you're the best.

So this thing that Stewie did that pissed your boss off so much, Mr...

I thought you had green eyes from your online profile.

Colored contacts, right?

That's good.

Of course he'd want him rubbed out, right?

The 200 Gs he scammed was bad enough. The way he did it had Godfrey spitting

blood for a week.

Godfrey. That's why he flew out here.

Wants to thank you to your face when you put a bullet in that hump.

Godfrey's here?

Forget about business now.

Oh, those emails.

You bring out the... You bring out the poetry in me, Ramona. Really?

Yeah.

Do you know any Allen Ginsberg? He was gay, you know. I'm a... I'm a beast

hungering for the scent of your love. Oh, you know what? I'm going to just go

change into something more comfortable.

What's wrong with what you got on?

Hello, Valveden Brothers.

It's me.

The hit reporter by somebody named Godfrey from Chicago. He thinks that Stu

stole 200 of his keys.

And I've got Vincent here expecting some kind of a tawdry hotel room liaison.

Okay, slow down.

I cannot slow down. I have to figure out some way to put Vincent's moves on us.

Bye.

I, uh, forgot this.

Uh...

I'm sorry. I get a little nervous around beautiful women without all my clothes

on.

I mean, not when you have my clothes on.

You're very beautiful.

Look, Stu, aren't we forgetting something?

Yeah, you know, come to think of it, a drink would be kind of nice. I was

talking about Kay.

I mean, you're here because you're her college boyfriend, aren't you?

I'm Stu.

I contain multitudes.

Whatever, multi -man. I just think it's a little weird that you haven't hooked

up with Kay yet. You haven't even tried.

Hello? I mean, there is the little fact that my life is at stake here. There's

no excuse.

All right, look, if you want to know the truth, actually, Kay and I have a

rather romantic evening planned tonight.

If I know her, she's home getting ready as we speak.

bag over, but I promise I'll put everything back in.

Oh, Clayton, Godspeed.

Contracts, Michael.

Cards checked out. Coast is clear. It's time to jet.

I'm sorry it took me so long.

Baby,

what's with the getup?

Hey, where are you going?

To get some ice with the champagne.

Val, it's hard to bust in when you're a newcomer.

Which is why I gotta work a little smarter than the next guy.

Oh, like Clayton Godfrey?

How do you know about him? Because he's the guy who's trying to kill you.

And you have his date book and his business cards.

Mom, maybe I accidentally took it. You know, last time I checked, that's not a

federal offense.

Okay, lobby's empty.

You good to go? I'm good. It looks like we're going to have to continue this

little conversation later.

Well, wait. Aren't we going with you? Please. The last thing I want to do is

scare off a potential investor. I'll be fine.

Trust me.

What's up with Mr. Ants and his pants?

That's not all he's got in his pants.

Check this out.

So what's the contractor's like? No, look at his signature.

His O's aren't closed.

It means he's not trustworthy.

Excuse me.

Look at the Judson, the day manager. I was told I could find him on this floor.

Sue Solomon?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm Judson.

Doing the bellhop thing here on the cover, trying to pop a ring of cab

you understand?

Is that right?

A manager's work is never done.

Yeah, listen, uh, local told you on the phone.

I'm gonna need a really nice room for a couple hours, right? Oh, I don't know. I

mean, that's just not gonna be easy, bro. I mean, we got this huge automata

convention that's gonna be... Take another.

All right.

Room 1737, the executive suite.

Be out of there in an hour or you'll turn into a pumpkin.

So I checked your, uh, track record, Clayton, and, um, I like what I see.

Well, you know, the Windy City's been good to me, but, um, I think it's time

break nationally.

Is that right?

Appetizers. I hope you don't mind. I took the liberty of ordering a couple of

tasty little treats. I think you're going to like this.

Hi, girls. Come on in.

Huh?

I mean, doing business ought to be fun, right?

Yeah, I think so.

I mean, after all, we're talking about a $670 million sports complex, right?

I say we let the games begin right here, right now, huh?

I'm with you.

Now, the good news is that I've spoken to three of the commissioners.

And they'd give me their assurances that they'll accept our bid.

Three, huh?

Well, that's not exactly a majority.

No, no, which is why a couple hundred thousand dollars seed money could come

handy. Spread it around and see what grows.

Oh, well, this is a really nice lunch you've ordered, Clay.

Oh, yeah, and it's low in fat, too.

No, señorita. I'm not clean. I'm not clean. Clean, clean.

No necesito clean, clean right now. No, no, hey, hey.

She's cute, man. Why don't you let her join the party? Yeah.

Okay, all right. Come on. Clean, clean.

Are you sure this is how you got the Hughes Tower started?

Oh, yeah.

Clayton Godfrey gets things done.

Well, you know, this is a real tempting offer, but I'm going to have to sleep on

this overnight.

Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely. As a matter of fact, why don't you call me at this number?

You don't trust the hotel switchboards.

Listen,

Stan, enjoy the rest of your lunch, ladies.

Keep me entertained, okay? Wait, wait, wait. This is all just for me?

Absolutely.

Okay.

Oh, yeah. Come here.

Excuse me, miss. Miss. Can you help me, please?

No, no time. No, no, no. Hey, hey. You're here to clean. So clean. I'll

some beers. Come here, ladies. A little dance for daddy, huh? Yeah.

Hey. Oh, hey.

Whoa. Bad muchachos. Muy malo.

I check your show pants every day. They're very dirty.

Cucaracha. Cucaracha.

Let's go.

You didn't notice Val by any chance.

I thought she was with you. No, come on, come on. I got a date with Kate. Let's

go.

Okay, whatever.

Let's go.

Yes, Kay.

Hey, Ramona.

Get in.

Wait a second. Who's that?

I'll cut them off. You get a look.

No. We'll blow her cover and it's over.

Just hang back and see what happens.

Come on, pick up, pick up.

Stupid machine.

Hello, this is VIP.

Oh, okay. Please leave a message after the beep.

me. I was in deep cover. I have no card cards, no cell phone, no lipstick, and

no idea where anybody is. But I did find out something. I found out that Stu is

a total ick break. Okay? Repeat.

Ick break.

I'm going to hitch a ride home.

I need a milk bath.

Hey, get out of the road, bag lady!

If it isn't my man, Godfrey from Chicago.

Very good.

I'm impressed.

I can't believe that little worm is getting financing together for a sports

complex. I've got a date with him tonight.

I'll find out more about that.

Son, I tell you what.

You find out how I can take over the scam that Solomon's working.

I'll double your fee.

I can do that.

But I might need a little more time.

Solomon doesn't have more time. You're doing them tonight, remember?

We're being tailed, Mr. G.

Oh.

Oh.

Them.

That's, uh, Elliot the Elbow's Muscle. He was my last hit. I'll take care of

them on my own tonight.

You capped a guy named Elliot?

Yeah. I capped him good.

When I rub someone out, I rub hard.

Lose him.

You got it.

It's too good, Mr. G. I can't lose him.

Stop the car. We got him. Three against two.

Drop the gun.

You put yours down.

Drop the gun. Snap. You put it down. You put it down on two, you and your mama.

Wait. I can handle this.

You have no need for blood, Fred.

What's going on here?

I don't know, but I suggest we go with him.

Next time, get lost.

Gentlemen.

I don't think I'm paying you enough.

Monday. Ramona, it's Vincent.

I'll be in L .A. tomorrow. I'll get you going on that deal you and Godford

talked about.

Looks like we're finally going to have a chance to meet after all.

Hey, it's Vincent.

Got your room at Le Chateau Nuage on Sunset.

Room 822.

Call me on my pager. I'm in town.

I have to say, you're even hotter than I expected.

You just left me wanting more.

Get another chance soon. I can... Feel it.

Hey.

A toast.

To old times.

Whenever I'm feeling lonely or upset, yours is still

the voice that I hear singing in the back of my head.

Calm me down.

If you're trying to get Kay's attention away from Loverboy over there, you might

need a crowbar.

Well, I have a better idea.

Good evening, everyone.

It's time to play But the Karaoke Superstar.

Tonight's winner, chosen at random to sing for cash and prizes is... It's you.

The young lady.

Come on up and sing us the song of your choice. Come on, come on. Yes, you can.

Come on, you'll be great. Go, break a leg.

Do I have to? Yes, you have to. Go, right up there. Come on.

Come on, Kay, you can do it.

Oh, wow.

I can't believe this.

Okay, I will sing Delusional Girl by Frankie Blue.

Now, what are you doing, Sarah?

Kay, your boyfriend is a loser.

He has a few problems, but I don't know if I would call him that.

Okay, he totally hit on me. He had two half -naked girls for lunch, of course

Lamar's, and I caught him impersonating a land developer.

Other than that...

That thing he did in the hotel, it's probably the same thing he did to

Maybe I should kill him. Well, let's save him first, then you can kill him.

And my job is done.

Yeah, you won it backstage.

Oh,

it's about the prizes?

Yeah, it's the prize of a lifetime.

All right.

Oh, wait a second. She's not going to have to pay any taxes, right?

think you're going okay don't be jealous i'm just i'm not jealous do we think

you should just stay with us you're valerie irons and i'm ramona flynn so

off lady what do you know another one i guess that makes one of us and

you come on no okay stay with us no

i'm going with steely okay don't get carried away Come after her. She gets it

first. Go. All right, go.

It's taking her so long.

She's a pro.

Keep your mouth shut. You might learn something.

Don't move. We have to get K -Stew out of here safely.

Don't move.

Just don't move.

Just a delusional girl, delusional girl, a delusional girl.

Lost in my delusional world, delusional girl, a delusional girl.

That's not Ramona Flynn.

That's Ramona Flynn!

Keep him off my ass if you think you can manage.

You took that money from him, Stewie.

I never set out to swindle anybody.

I just found something that I was good at.

Stuffed with trees.

Sort of good.

Hey, something's happening.

We're losing power!

Those are blanks. Who cares if they're blanks?

I'm the lethal Valerie Irons. You might as well just give it up right now.

Maybe I will.

Right after I shoot him.

Hey, please?

Thanks to Kay, she knows how to use a gun.

You guys seem to pretty much have this under control, so I don't really think

you're going to need me here anymore. I think I'm just going to... Sure we do.

We haven't talked about our fee yet.

Well, it's really too bad that you have to leave so soon, Multi -Man.

Yeah, I'm sure your sports complex partners will be real upset.

Hey, you know, this is a big loss for this city.

I mean, I was going to make this thing work. I really was.

Oh, really? What are you going to do?

I think maybe it's time, you know, I just kick back and...

reassess my goals a little bit.

I've got an idea.

I got some extra money from Godfrey.

That ought to get you started.

Kay, I couldn't. I couldn't.

I gave it to buy some warm clothes.

Oh, I bought you a ticket, too. You got me a ticket on top? I can't believe you

got me a ticket to go to Anchorage.

Anchorage, Alaska.

I thought it was important for you to be far away from Chicago.

And from me.

Kay, I need to talk to you about something. Check here for $2 ,300 to

Oh, well, that's for the new high -definition print scanner.

Tasha approved it.

I know, whatever with that. Look at the signature.

Is there a problem?

Well... You flattened out your arms.

It indicates contentment.

Oh, that.

Well, I got that danger thing way out of my system.

One thing Stewie said to me really struck a chord.

He said, if you find something you're good at, stick to it.

Okay, good coffee, girl.

I like being the assistant around here.

Thanks to Stewie, I know that now.

Good. You got El Creepo boyfriend out of your system, right?

No problem there.

In fact, I may already have a new prospect.

He got off to a rough start, but he promised to reform.

Okay.

Someone's here for you.

I hope you guys don't mind if I leave early today.

Since Vincent was sentenced to community service, we were hoping to celebrate

his freedom.

Maybe we'll have time to drink this one.

Maybe we won't.

Bye.

That's what this bail bond's checking for.

I want some coffee.

Me too.

More? Taste great coffee.