Original subtitles

Hey, thanks for going on the yarn factory tour with me, Roger.

I wish you had told me you were allergic to wool.

Not just the wool.

Your beauty often makes my throat close.

Oh, Roger.

Good thing I'm not allergic to sugar.

Oh, Roger, how did you ever become a mailman?

Well, actually, it came to me naturally.

In high school, I was voted most likely to have a job involving thick shoes.

Look at this arm.

Not one muscle.

Well, Roger, you're boring me to tears, so I guess I should get going. Oh, no

kissing.

Hey, Roger.

Gosh, how about that new zip code in Brewster? It's a doozy, huh?

Berg, is there something you need? Is there something you need? Oh, gosh.

for starters, the flash fire near your face would be nice.

I don't really care that I'm wearing my good clothes because we're going to

throw down right now. Yeah, bring.

Bring it on. Okay, okay.

Roger, Roger, calm down. I'll call you later, all right? Okay.

What is your problem?

I'm jealous, okay? It worked.

Now... Time to get rid of Roger. I like Roger. But you love me.

Right.

Irene, I have done everything I can to get you back.

Well, you're driving me crazy.

You hurt me, Berg.

You hurt me very badly. And I can't get over it with you always bothering me.

I can't just do nothing. My charm, it bubbles up inside of me. I have to let

out.

It's got to come out one end or the other.

You're not making things better.

Just you have to give me my space.

But you're filling your space with Roger. Yes, because he's fun, and he's

decent, and he makes me feel good. He's my fuzzy slippers.

And, you know, when I'm with him, I don't think about you kissing that other

girl's... Okay.

You know what? I would rather you think about that than not think about me at

all.

Because I'm scared that if you stop thinking about me, you'll move on.

Well, I don't know what's going to happen, Berg.

I just know what I need to do now.

Oh, fine.

Fine, then I won't bother you anymore.

Thank you.

Okay,

this isn't going to work for me.

That was some finish.

My fastest time ever.

You know, I never knew you'd be such a good lover. Yeah, imagine me with a good

partner.

Well, until recently, I couldn't imagine you with a non -plastic partner.

You know, who would have thought that we'd do so well together?

I know.

And it's not just the sex, either, which, seriously, we could go pro.

I don't know. I really like spending time with you.

So do I, Pete.

It's too bad you have to leave.

Hey, listen, why don't you call Stanford and tell them you'll be a few weeks

late? Oh, Pete, that would jeopardize the residency I've spent seven years of

life working towards.

One dog year.

Well, at the very least, you know what? We should make the best of the time we

have left.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

We've got three days, strictly fun, no emotional attachment.

Just think of me as a soldier on a weekend pass. Okay, but you knock me

take me back to your country.

I can't believe it. You and I actually have the same day off. So what do you

want to do?

I don't know. There's a Red Sox game on TV.

Yeah, let's go to the game.

Or, you know, maybe we could go to the park and see Shakespeare.

I'm all burnt out on Shakespeare. I just saw the Muppets do Macbeth.

Sweetie, come on.

We never do anything together anymore.

You know, maybe we should find some kind of hobby that we could do together.

Oh, like a bowling league. Yes, like a bowling league, but not a bowling

All right, okay, what do you suggest?

Um, I don't know. We used to do stuff together all the time.

Sweetie, we've fallen into our comfort zone.

You know, we don't have to pretend to like the same things anymore.

You just stay here and relax, and I'll be back later.

Okay, where are you going?

My boss asked me to serve this guy a subpoena. I was going to wait until

but I might as well do it now. Wait, wait, wait.

Sounds a little dangerous. What if this guy gets mad? Sweetie, don't worry. All

I have to do is put this envelope in his hand, and then I'm gone.

Well, I think I better go with you.

And when we're done, I'll buy you something to eat.

You get your jar.

Okay, scrub.

Let's see if you can get it right this time.

Now, the mail goes in the corresponding mailboxes.

Like in all the other buildings.

You getting smart with me?

Oh, look, a scene from Of Mice and Mailman.

What do we do here? Do we laugh or are we mad?

This is the guy that keeps bugging me and my girl.

Oh, really?

Gosh,

if I were a boxmark fragile, I'd be pretty scared right now.

Hey, what's going on? Nothing.

Don't worry, I got your back, bro.

Your girlfriend won't leave my girlfriend alone.

Is that true, honey?

you step aside so Irene can think about what she's supposed to be thinking about

me. All right? And both of us know that that's who she's going to end up with.

You know, you don't even know Irene.

To her, what's important is what's inside a person.

And let me tell you something, mister.

My insides are something special.

Oh, sucks for you. You weren't born inside out.

Make it sting, Rodoy. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right? Let's just... Handle this like adults, all

And we'll use our words. Tool.

Loser. Freak.

All right, you know what? They're all bad words, and you're the freaking loser

tool.

Come on, Bert.

Are you guys going to go inside and cuddle now? All right. Hold on, hold on,

hold on.

All right, let me handle this.

Let me tell you something, pal. You're never going to end up with Irene, and

going to tell you why, okay? Because yesterday she referred to you as her

flippers.

That's just because I wrap myself around her feet when we watch TV.

No, actually, that's because she finds you comfortable and is just using you to

distract herself from me.

She said that?

Every freaking word.

Game. Set.

Match, baby!

Ha ha!

Not so tough now.

never heckled Shakespeare in the park before.

Yeah, well, you stole the show with Get Thee a Day Job, Thou Bloweth.

Why don't couples carve their initials in trees anymore?

Well, maybe they found out it kills the tree.

Oh.

Really? Should I stop?

Nah, there are a lot of trees.

But this is the only one with my initials on it.

Really?

Nobody ever did this for you in high school?

No, I wasn't exactly popular in high school.

Really? People said I had this superior attitude.

It's probably because they were all so stupid.

The truth is, I didn't get asked out on a date until I was a sophomore in

college.

That must have been tough.

That's all you're going to say?

There are at least a dozen things in that story that you could make fun of.

The subject is long and our time is short.

Plus, I don't want to ruin the moment.

Thanks, Keith.

You know, this is a good day. It's too bad it has to end.

It doesn't have to.

I have a surprise for you. I want you to meet me back here tonight, 8 o 'clock,

right at our tree.

Okay. But why don't you tell me what the surprise is, just to make sure I'm not

disappointed.

You know, I'm suddenly amazed you were asked out in college.

be he drives a purple miata

oh

very slowly

whatever you do don't act

tasty

about going to Grandma's house. Don't take the shortcuts.

No, no. I'm going to show Ashley the perfect end to the perfect day.

Look in the basket. Rocks to weigh her down.

What did you say to Roger?

I just told him no one's seen the Victoria's Secret catalog in three

He called and we got into a huge fight because of what you said. I just told

the truth. That I'm sleeping with Pete?

What? What?

Roger said that you told him you caught us in bed together. What? Why would you

say that? You know my rule. I only sleep with one person in the building at a

time.

I didn't say that, okay? He's lying.

He's lying to turn you against me. You've got to believe me. It'd be easier

believe you if your pants weren't on fire.

God, Roger was right.

I'll never be able to get on with my life with you across the hall.

Decided to move out. Oh, what? You can't be serious. I've already bubble

-wrapped the cat.

I admit, he is clever.

I mean, he picked the one guy he knew no woman could resist.

Come on, Sharon. This dog hasn't taken his eyes off us in 20 minutes. Look, I'm

not going to let one dumb dog beat us.

All right, all right.

I want you to run through the yard and distract him while I serve the subpoena.

Okay, that's a great plan, except for my part.

Okay, do you have a better idea?

Yeah, well, we should give him something to eat.

Oh, oh, oh, you know what? I have an energy bar that I can give him.

Yes, we want the guard dog energized.

Okay, then it's back to my plan.

You eat the energy bar and then run your ass off.

Okay, look, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to run down the sidewalk.

When the dog chases me, you run in and ring the bell.

Okay?

Okay. Okay.

Get him!

Get him!

He tastes like bacon!

Did you serve him? No, the dog came right back.

Okay, you know what? Our plan's only going to work if you're inside the

Is this your plan or the dog's plan?

It's not going to work. Let's just get in the truck and go home.

Roger, we've been looking all over for you.

Irene. Wait a second. You said he was shot.

No, no, no. I said he was hot. Look at him.

That is it. I'm going. No, no. Hold on a second. Look, Irene. He lied to you,

and I want him to admit it. Is it true, Roger? Did you lie to me? I did not.

I swear on the eagle.

Oh, please.

Make him swear on a Bible. Does anyone here have a Bible?

No. What kind of bar is that?

The point is not whether Roger lied.

The point is that you can't stay out of my business.

Once again, you didn't listen to me.

You just keep making me look better and better. Okay, look, I might have blown

this one, but I'm not giving up on Irene, okay?

Not as long as I'm alive.

If anything happens to me, you're all witnesses.

You know what?

I want you to keep trying.

Because the more you chase her, The more you just drive her away. I'm not

driving her away.

Oh, no?

So she's not moving out of the building?

Or weren't you listening to her then, too?

Game. Set.

Match, baby!

Hey,

we're closing up the park.

Oh, you know what, officer? I'm just... Gonna need a few more minutes. I'm

sorry, pal.

Come on, five more minutes.

The rules are rules.

All right, all right. I didn't want to have to do this and blow my cover, but

I'm on the job.

Are you a fireman?

Are you investigating an illegal barbecue?

Come on.

Give me a break here. I mean, look, we're both civil servants. We both carry

badge. Well, that's another thing.

Why do you guys carry a badge?

Look, the thing is, officer, I'm waiting for a girl.

Oh, you got stood up, huh?

I most certainly did not get stood up. How long you been waiting? An hour and

minutes.

My mistake.

Man, the thing is, I had this really special surprise for her, too.

See, every seven years, the planet Venus aligns with the North Star.

And they say that if you see it with that special someone, you're linked in

with them forever.

That's beautiful.

Yeah. It should happen any second now.

There it is.

What's your name?

I never thought I would see home again, but we made it.

The guy was actually... impressed that we got by his dog. He asked me to join

his crew.

I had a great time.

Yeah, me too.

You get any more subpoenas?

No, just the one.

Unfortunately, crime is way down.

Hey, it's Saturday night. The museum has free chamber music.

Baby, you know it's bad if it's free and I don't want to go.

Okay. Well, at least we had fun today. Yeah.

You know what? This may sound a little corny, but I mean, us being married and

all, but I kind of miss hanging out with you.

Maybe next weekend we could go see that play in the park. Yeah, or we could go

to the baseball game.

No game next weekend.

Oh, darn it. Then you win. We'll go to the play.

Whatever. I just want to be hanging out with you.

Yeah. All that matters is that we're together.

I'll go to all the baseball games you want as long as you're there.

And I get to eat free hot dogs.

And you bring a blanket.

And we don't sit in the bleachers and we leave early. Okay.

What do you want to do right now?

Uh, it's a beautiful night. We could go for a walk. Okay. Okay.

Come on, let's go.

All right.

Oh, yeah.

Baby, we can't keep him. He's not ours.

I know. I'm just going to keep him until I get my keys back.

Come in.

Well, you're alive. That's one strike against you. What the hell were you?

Look, I... Was this all a game to you? I waited for hours, and now... According

to the laws of astrology, I'm cosmically linked to an Officer Harris.

Look, I just lost track of time. I've got to pack up my entire life. It takes

while. Oh, come on, Ashley. Have a little more respect for me and come up

better lie than that.

Look, Pete, we agreed not to become emotionally involved.

Well, I'm sorry I let you down.

You know what? Forget about today. It never happened.

Wait. I did. In a park for three hours. Look, I was afraid.

What? You?

It was after sundown. What did you have to be afraid of?

Today was a perfect day.

And all of a sudden, Stanford just didn't seem to matter that much to me.

So that's why I didn't show up tonight.

I was afraid I'd want to stay.

Stay? I can't stay.

I'm not going to give up everything that I've worked so hard for.

How would you like it if I turned the tables on you and said, Hey, Pete, give

your career and turn your life upside down and move to California.

Okay. No, don't be an idiot.

You don't change your whole life just because of a three -day relationship.

What if it doesn't work?

See, that's the difference between me and you. I'm willing to bet it all on a

hunch.

Well, I can't do that.

Because you're a coward.

You know, Ashley, you walk around here like you're bulletproof, but the truth

is, you're just a scared little girl.

You're right. I am a coward. Yeah.

Well, you know what? This is one of the times I wish I wasn't right.

So long.

Okay, where were we? Right, you're a coward. Please elaborate.

Don't move.

Do I have a bee in my hair?

Don't move out of the building because of me.

This is the last time I'm going to bother you.

Yeah, right, I've heard it before. No, no, no, no, no, no, I mean it.

I realize that I haven't been listening.

to you. Let me finish.

I kept thinking that if I left you alone, well, it'd be like giving up on

Now I know that the only chance we have is if I do, in fact, leave you alone.

And I could have done it three weeks ago, and I'm sorry.

Thank you, Berg.

That doesn't mean I'm giving up.

I'm still going to be in my apartment, hoping that someday you'll come over and

knock on my door.

You know, ask for me.

Bye, Irene.

Berg? Me too.

You really mean it?

You'll really leave me alone?

Yeah, I really mean it.

Then I guess I don't have to move out of the building.

I'm glad.

Yeah, you know, I'm going for a walk right now, so if you're going to knock

my door, I'm not going to do it.

Get fun.