Original subtitles

volunteers, line up!

All right, now, I move the truck up the street in preparation for today's

exercise. Is there anyone here who hasn't had a chance to read the truck

yet?

Frankie, Frankie, Frankie, do me a favor.

Run back to the station.

Next to the helmet rack, you'll see a mirror. I want you to look into that

mirror and see what failure looks like!

Go!

All right, is there anyone else here to waste my time?

I didn't think so.

Now, the truck is not a toy.

It is to be treated with two parts respect, one part fear, and just a dash

awe.

Now, can anyone tell me the four steps I went through to secure the truck after

I parked it?

Yes, Johnny.

Aren't there five steps? I'm sorry, are you wearing the whistle?

No. No more questions.

Quiet down.

Now, Rodriguez, you're riding shotgun. Your job is to say... No, I appreciate

your enthusiasm, Johnny, but his job is to say...

You okay?

I landed on my whistle.

Sharon!

Hey, how are you? I'm good. No, no, no. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Oh!

Okay, now.

How are you?

I was good, but now I'm a little creeped out.

I'm so happy about Rain Man.

Today I almost died.

Oh, underachiever.

You make me laugh.

Thank you for that.

Wait, back up. What do you mean you almost died?

I saved Pete from getting hit by a truck today. Yes, you did. And you know what?

I feel like I should do something special for you guys. Oh, Pete, we do

you to do that. Treat you to a weekend at the Hotel Royale? Make it a room

overlooking the bay?

No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, Pete, are you sure? Yes, yes!

Absolutely. It's the least I can do.

Okay, yeah, you know what? This couldn't be better timing. I almost went and

bought shampoo.

Oh, hi, Roger.

Oh, hey, Irene.

Sorry to bother you, but it would really help us if you could start putting a

hyphen in the nine -digit zip code.

I covered for you in this one. Oh, thank you. I owe you one. Go out with me.

to talk to you. Oh, goody. Tell me about that girl you kissed because I never

get tired of hearing about that.

Come on.

What's it going to take to get past this? There is no getting past this.

You're out on your keister, meester.

The last rhyme you're going to get.

You ought to move to Sturbridge.

Because as of next week, that's where your mail's going.

Oh, I know.

Just not on time.

Hi, yes, hello. Can I speak to Dr.

Ashley Walker?

She's in surgery? Oh, my God, what happened? Is she all right?

Of course she is, right.

A message?

Yeah, tell her... Peter Rabbitson called.

That's it.

Irene and I are over.

I almost got hit by a fire truck today.

You know, that's the problem with fire trucks. You need some sort of warning

that they're coming.

What? Are you okay?

When that truck...

barreling towards me. My entire life flashed before my eye.

And the last image I saw was a woman.

And I think it's the woman I'm supposed to be with. But it's crazy.

It wasn't my mom, was it?

No. It wasn't Irene, was it? No.

Right? It doesn't matter who it is. You sure it wasn't my mom? No!

It was Ashley.

Are you crazy?

A near -death experience wouldn't lie. Yeah, unless it was trying to lull you

into another near -death experience.

Hey, I don't know if you realize, but this is my ex -girlfriend we're talking

about. I know it sounds crazy, you know, but there's something there.

You know, it's like I wake up in the morning and I think of this really great

insult. You know, and I can't wait to say it to her. And then I go, and I do,

and she says something back even meaner, and then we start to go at it, and it

gets hotter and hotter until I feel like I'm going to explode.

And then it's over, and I'm left with this feeling of total peace.

And you've got to, you know, wait like another hour before you can argue again.

Pete. I think you're forgetting one thing. See, Ashley hates you. No, you're

wrong. You're wrong. And you know what? I can either sit around here and wonder

what's going to happen to the rest of my life, or I can go out there and do

something.

I cannot believe that bathroom. It has a phone and a TV.

I know, and I love that foot massage.

Sweetie, that's a shoe shiner.

What about that little water fountain right next to the toilet?

That's a bidet.

It's for women to drink in France.

Oh, a ladies' fountain.

You want something to drink from the minibar? Hey, sweetie, you know Pete's

paying for the room. Yes, and the minibar goes on the room bill. Pete's

bill.

Get that back. We should not take advantage of Pete. No, baby. No. I say

life. He wants me to be happy. Come on, have a drink. You can watch anything you

want on pay -per -view. Look, look, look, look.

They got that Richard Gere movie. You know I won't like that.

You do not fight fair.

Hey,

good evening. Here's champagne.

So as it is written, so it shall be done!

All right, well, if that's what Pete wants.

Thanks. Will there be anything else, sir?

Yes, my good man. Give yourself $10 and put it on the room bill.

I'm afraid I can't do that, sir.

In that case, take any two drinks from the mini bar.

Ashley,

I need to talk to you for a second. Keep it down.

These people are trying to... We suffer from insomnia.

Yeah.

I'm so tired.

I haven't slept in three weeks, man. It's horrible. I just sit in this bed

eat candy and drink coffee.

Come here. Come here.

Look, I just... I need to get something off my chest.

It's one hair. Just pluck it.

Ashley, I know we like taking shots at one another, but can you just be serious

for one second? This is important.

What?

Right before Johnny pulled me out of the way of that truck, a vision of my

future flashed before my eyes.

How?

It was you.

All right, and this isn't easy for me to say, but in my heart, I believe that

there's something between us, and I think we owe it to ourselves to explore

Oh, Pete, you really mean this. Yeah.

Well, in that case, in my heart, and this isn't easy for me either,

I hate you and I'm moving to California.

Wow.

What do you know? That was easy.

I open up to you and this is what I get? Oh, Pete, come on. You don't have any

real feelings for me.

I'm just the only woman left in the building you haven't tried to get on top

That's right. And now I remembered why I saved you for last.

Come on.

Okay. Message received.

You're available.

Katie, hey, I'm glad you could make it. Yeah, well, I was surprised to hear from

you. I mean, after last time. Yeah, I was afraid that you'd get the wrong

impression when I said I, uh, well, that there was nothing between us and I

never wanted to see you again.

So what changed?

Well, uh, my girlfriend broke up with me.

And, uh, you know, I didn't want to sit around wondering for the rest of my

life. But, you know, maybe this is too soon. No, no, it's fine.

I'm glad you called.

You look very cute.

Thank you. You're welcome.

You know, you were my big high school crush.

In ninth grade, I decided I would save it for you.

In ninth grade, I was saving it for Mary Lou Retton.

Now, how long did you hold on to your plan, huh?

Still holding.

What? I'm still saving it for you, Bert.

Now, when you say, uh... It, um... You mean my flower.

So, what do you want to do?

Well, uh, we could, uh... I don't know, we could sacrifice you to ensure a good

harvest.

Hey, that's, uh, not what I had in mind.

Look.

Katie.

Clearly, I'm worth the wait.

But, you know, isn't that kind of a long shot? I mean, you haven't seen me since

high school.

Okay, I have to confess.

I've been watching you for eight years.

What do you mean?

You know, through binoculars.

Oh, my God, has it been eight years?

Yeah, it's just crazy.

Yeah, I know. No, I mean, like, whoa, crazy.

You know, what made you finally decide to contact me?

My mom wants grandkids.

All right, so you ready? Or do you need oysters or something?

Look, Katie, under normal circumstances, I would love to take your flower.

But the truth is, you see, I can't because my girlfriend and I, we got back

together.

You just told me you broke up with her. Yes, I know. We're so on again, off

again. You see, I'm nuts, and you're obviously very grounded, so I should go.

Okay. Well, maybe I should go ask her, you know, and she'd confirm all this.

Well, on that note, I guess I'm going to have to...

that the world is not a beautiful place. It's a cold, heartless place that mocks

me.

You need to get away. That's what we did.

Look, when I offered this place to you guys, I was living for the moment. Well,

that moment has passed. So, out you go.

Well, that was fun while it lasted.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, don't pack.

We're not leaving. Johnny, it's over, okay? I mean...

But yesterday, Pete said that life was short and we should live it to the

fullest. Yes, and now he's canceling the room.

Oh, let him. We'll pay for the room.

Could you repeat that for verification purposes?

We are going to pay for the room. Sharon, we deserve a nice anniversary.

You know, unless you think it's a bad idea.

No.

No, Tony, I love it. Oh, this is our best first anniversary ever.

Why don't we get in the Whirlpool bath and watch some TV?

Sounds good.

Work up an appetite?

Sounds better.

Order some room service?

I'll keep telling you, we're not made of money.

Germ?

Germ, what are you doing with your head under the covers?

I swear, if you have a magazine in there... Come dance with me.

I'm working. I'm a doctor with responsibilities.

These people depend on me.

You want to make out?

Sure.

I fell asleep.

We know you were showing off in front of the insomniacs.

Well, it sounded like no one under 17 should be admitted.

No, it was not a dream. It was a nightmare.

Hey, where are you going?

To shoot myself.

All right, good luck.

What do you want? I need to talk to you. Can't you come back when I'm not here?

I realize you're upset, but what you said got me thinking.

Look, don't listen to me. Forget everything I said.

No, it's too... late. I can't forget. Unlike you, I'm not a mental midget.

Okay. All right. You come into my home and your room. Didn't they teach you

anything in obedience school?

What do you want? Well, because of you and your stupid visions, I started

dreams about you.

You what? Yes. I had one stupid dream and I just wanted you to know that it

doesn't mean a thing.

Well, it meant enough for you to come down here and gaze once again upon the

star of your lusty dream.

It wasn't lusty. It was disturbing.

Very, very disturbing.

Why was it disturbing?

Because you were kissing me. Why is that disturbing? Because. Because why?

Because I liked it.

Ow!

Who told you that you could kiss me? You did. You said you liked it. No, in my

dreams.

But if that's what you need to do in order to realize there are no genuine

feelings between us, then fine.

Kiss me.

You see?

Nothing. Oh, what are you going to do with that?

I've been calling you for the last half hour. I know. Thank heaven for a little

thing called caller ID.

Funny stuff.

You remember comic book Katie?

Turns out she's certifiably insane.

Isn't that a gasp?

Anyway, I told her that we got back together to get rid of her, and now

her way down here to talk to you. So can you cover for me, please?

It'll be like putting on a show.

You love putting on shows.

You're right, Bert.

I would love to help you in any way I can.

How's that for a show?

Katie!

Hey! Hi! So here, uh, here we are. Just, uh, just happy, happy couple.

Shut up, Bert.

I want to hear it from her.

Okay, Katie.

The truth is, we are not together.

Liar! But, that doesn't mean you have a chance with him.

You don't. He thinks you're insane.

He'll never tell you that because he wants everyone to like him.

So I'll say what he's too cowardly to say.

Don't call him again.

Berg, is that true?

You can call me on my birthday.

Well, thank you for your honesty.

I didn't think I was going to kill you.

Oh, boy.

Honesty. I tell you, I never would have thought of that. Bye, Bert.

Okay, just wait one second here, Irene. Come on.

I realize that I was pretty selfish in our relationship, but I can change.

I swear, I... From now on, I will be completely honest with you.

Irene.

You need me to bust some ass?

It's okay, Roger. I'll be there in a minute.

Okay.

You hurt her.

I'll mush your face the way I mush your magazines.

I'm sorry you had to find out this way. Oh, whatever!

You're just using him to get back at me. No, you are wrong. I like Roger.

Unlike you, he will not break my heart. He is reliable.

Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will keep him away.

Look, you just look me in the eye, and you tell me that you don't love me, and

will never bother you again.

I have to go.

You didn't say no. You did not say no, Irina!

All right, still feeling nothing for me?

Eh.

All right.

All right, then we have to do it again. But this time, once we get going, you

can stop slapping me.