Original subtitles

Irene, I'm sure whatever the mailbox said, it's sorry.

No.

I'm just rearranging the mailboxes.

I no longer wish mine to be adjacent to Berg's. That dirty, rotten, cheating,

wench -kissing scallywag.

Come on, Irene.

I mean, I know Berg's a rap scallion, but a scallywag?

I know Berg kissed another girl, but can't you...

Can't you just forgive him?

Never. No, I never want to see him again.

That's why, ha -ha, when he comes out to get his mail, I will not be standing

here.

I will be standing over here.

Should have just said hello and kept on walking.

Only if you never stop calling me darling.

Oh, darling.

Hey. Hey. What are you watching?

It's one of the best movies ever.

Who's in it? I don't know who he is, but her name is Darling.

was so simple then.

Yeah. And just because you liked to dance didn't mean you were a sissy.

Did you know that Irene switched mailboxes? Yeah, I know. Now you'll

her.

She won't even talk to me.

I think one of her cats gave him the finger.

You know, if you want Irene back, you're gonna have to win her over.

You know? Take her someplace nice tonight.

Well, the med school's hosting a yacht party tonight.

But go talk to her.

Huh? Do you think the guy in your movie would sit around bellyaching to his

friend? No!

He'd go tell the woman how he fell.

You're right.

You know, what's the use in watching these movies if you don't learn

Yeah, I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna show Irene that I can be a man's

man, but first I need a bath. I'm very tense.

Look how nicely a rose grows when it's surrounded by fertilizer.

Look, I was hoping we could talk. I have nothing to say to you. Okay, look, I

know you won't forgive me, but you did promise that you'd go with me to that

residency mixer.

And you promised you'd be faithful to me, so... Whoa!

Yeah!

Fine, fine.

Look, I know that I can't be trusted, but you made a promise. I cannot go on a

date with you. No, it's not a date.

It's not a date. It's for my career.

Okay? And, Irene, please. Look, you said you'd go.

Well, okay. As long as it's not a date.

Well, thank you. That's great. Listen, um... To show you how much I appreciate

it, I'd, uh... I'd like to buy a dress.

Oh. So now you think you can buy me back into your life by flashing some money

in my face and make me your big -time doctor?

No, I... Yeah.

I mean, I... Look, I look good in blue.

So...

Hey, listen, I have a favor. Can I borrow your husband for the night?

Uh, no, but I could give you something from the goodie drawer.

I'm trying to get this residency at Stanford, and I need a man to prove how

-rounded I am.

Oh, when were you hoping to enter Stanford? Fall?

1952?

I know. I know it's terrible, but Dr. Richards, the guy who chooses the

residence, he likes people who are in committed relationships.

They're more dependable.

So, can I fool him and have your husband?

Sorry, we're celebrating our anniversary.

Oh, hey, why don't you ask Pete?

Well, what if he already has plans?

You're right, I'll ask Pete.

Hello there, my charming and wonderful friends.

Why do you want such a good move? Because tonight I have a chance to prove

Irene that she was wrong about me. All I need is a great dress.

Oh, you know, Bird, with your shape, you really should wear a pant.

No, it's for Irene.

Unless I find something really sexy.

Oh, hey, honey.

Hey, baby.

Sorry, Bert, I can't help you. See these rose petals? Just follow them out the

door. Oh, fine, fine. I'll go dress shopping by myself.

Okay, buy yourself something pretty.

Happy anniversary. Close your eyes, close your eyes.

Time to unwrap your gift.

Okay. I got some bad news.

What is it? He promised not to hit me.

Help me.

I have to go back to the fire station tonight.

What? I'm low man on the totem pole. They called me in.

But, baby, it's our anniversary.

I know, and I told them that, and they laughed at me, and now I've got to work

Christmas, too.

Hey,

Pete. Um, would you do me a favor?

Yeah, sure. You bend over, and I'll pull out the stick.

schmooze a bunch of doctors on a yacht and I need a date. Oh, yeah, Berg's

with that.

What? What? He told me he didn't want the Stanford residency.

I don't know anything about that. I think he's just going to be with Irene.

Oh, yeah, right.

He knows I've already sabotaged all my competition, so he kept it from me. God,

he's so conniving.

So, will you come?

What's in it for me?

Well, maybe the captain will let you sit on his knee and steer the boat.

All right, I'm in.

Oh, hey.

So I hear you're up for the Stanford residency.

No, no, right now I got way bigger problems. I need to buy Irene a draft.

just found out drafts don't come in small, medium, and large.

They come in even sizes. Unless you're shopping at Young Miss, then they're odd

sizes.

I used to work at a boutique.

So, I guess it's really important to you that Irene looks just right tonight.

No, it is.

It is. I want the night to be perfect.

Well, hey, I still need a dress for myself. I could take Irene shopping with

You'd do that? And if so, why?

Well, something tells me that tonight won't be a success unless Irene looks

right.

Thank you so much. You are a lifesaver. Look, now, here's my credit card. Sorry

about the tape. Thumb clerk accidentally cut it in half.

Thompson!

It's me.

Thank God. For a second, I thought the rumors were true.

What are you doing here? I didn't want us going to bed mad.

Maybe I didn't go to bed mad. Chuck may have been on a split.

I just, I wanted us to celebrate our anniversary.

Oh, sweet.

Happy anniversary.

Okay, now scrap.

I brought fun stuff.

I can't be here. I'm trying to work.

Johnny, you were asleep.

Hey, I don't make the orders. I just follow them.

Don't you even care that you're going to get me into trouble?

Johnny, you're overreacting. No one will even know I'm here.

It's okay.

Just me and Thompson.

Just so we're clear, as far as everyone here is concerned, you and I are sitting

in a tree. K -I -S -S -I -N -G.

All right, all right. Who here needs to think that I'm your boyfriend?

The head of neurosurgery at Stanford.

He prefers candidates who are in relationships.

It makes them seem dedicated.

All right, all right. I got it.

committed couples do this. My parents do it all the time.

Oh, here we go. Another story of grab -assing at the Dunvilles.

Couldn't have asked for a better night. Full moon, bright stars. Pete, could you

give me a hand?

What do you think? Jeff looks great. Tonight is going to be perfect. Thank

so much. Oh, I wouldn't thank me just yet.

Whoa, Irene, that is such a hot tattoo. You should have walked in here

backwards. Oh, thank you, Peter. It's just a little something I had done on a

trip to India.

Irene, you promised that I was the only one who could view the Tiger of

Temptation.

Just be glad I didn't get the dress that shows off the cobra.

Off to mingle. Get it up. Alone.

Ashley,

could you come here for a second, please?

Couldn't you have pointed Irene towards a dress with a back?

Oh, yes, I could have, but I wanted something that said,

Grr. Look, I want Stanford. You're my competition.

Oh, look, take the residency. I don't want it. Oh, please.

No, really. Look, all I wanted to do was spend a romantic evening with Irene,

but it's a little difficult when everyone thinks she's the entertainment.

Look at that. She's already in with Dr.

Richards.

Did he just give her a dollar?

Harry, I was just trying to make our anniversary memorable.

Well, it worked.

I always remember it as the night you wet my bed and almost got me fired.

Well, actually, I thought I was being pretty darn cute.

Well, why wouldn't you be cute tomorrow night? Because tomorrow night is not our

anniversary.

Don't you care that nothing turns out for us the way that it's supposed to?

What are you talking about? We got married on a roof, our house burned

I'm spending my anniversary in an ambulance.

Well...

The way I look at it is I married the woman I love, we weren't in our house

it burned down, and everything I want in life is right here in this ambulance.

And I'm not just talking about the CB.

Well, you put it that way. Yeah.

And I'd be lying if I said it wasn't the best year of my life.

God.

How'd I get so lucky?

Just wait and check this out.

What? I wrote you a poem.

Ready?

I look back over my life, and I think of my hot wife.

Oh, go on.

That's it.

This party sucked.

You know, if I had my own boat, I'd let other people take a turn at the wheel.

Okay, Dr. Spahn, you start.

Can I have a word with you, please?

Sure. Okay, thank you. Carry on.

What are you doing? I got these guys eaten out of my hand. Just sit down for

second here.

You're supposed to be with me tonight, yet you're off talking to every other

person in the room. I'm doing this for you. What about the residency?

Rule the residency. I just want to spend some time with you.

Oh, so you brought me here to romance me and win me back.

Yeah.

I guess I'm just an old sock.

So you lied to me.

Well, Yeah. And aren't our issues about trust? Wait, you're going so fast.

Finally, Dr.

Richards has torn himself from Irene. It's showtime. All right, all right.

wait. Now, how long have we been dating, and do we swing?

You knew this was a mistake.

Oh, come on. You wanted the best, so you came to the best. I wanted the best,

but he was busy.

What? I asked a bunch of other guys, including Johnny, but they were all

and I was going to get an escort, but I spent so much on this dress that I

settled on you.

Come on. Come on. Put your arm around me. Here they come.

No. No, I'm not going to take this from you.

Okay, fine. You can put it on my ass again. Just look like you like me.

No, it's flat, and I don't want to help you.

Okay, look. I know we don't always get along, but my future is in your hands.

Well, then you should have been nicer to me.

Well, you must be Dr.

Walker. Oh, yes, I am.

I'm Dr. Richards, and this is my wife of 43 years, Valerie.

Oh, it's a pleasure to meet the both of you. Nice to meet you, too.

Dr.

and Mrs. Richards, I'd like to introduce Peter Dunville.

He's my boyfriend.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are. No, I'm not.

Yes, well, actually... I'm her soulmate.

Oh, that's beautiful.

So, Mr. Dunville, how do you feel about your girlfriend?

So me.

Yes, so me.

Possibly moving across the country?

Well, I'll tell you, from the moment I met Ashley, she's done nothing but make

me happy. So if Stanford is what she wants, then that's what I want for her.

You are so sweet.

I hope I didn't embarrass you, dear.

Oh, Mrs. Richards, I do believe they're playing our song.

Who's the best?

Now that's a happy anniversary.

Wow, you really like that poem. I'm going to memorize it.

Thank you so much for coming down here.

This is the best anniversary ever.

Well, I think I just radioed for backup.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys!

Whoa!

Looks like I'm working New Year's.

Here.

It's cold out.

Let's put the tiger back under the big top.

Go away.

Why did you even agree to come with me tonight, Irene? I told you. To help you

get your residency.

Okay, and the wild kingdom dress helps me how?

All right. I wore it because I knew it would get attention and show you how

desirable I am.

Few men can escape the power of El Tigre.

So you tried to make me jealous.

Yeah, I tried.

Irene, can I talk to you for a minute?

I don't sound like that.

I guess I just wanted to make you feel the way you made me feel.

I'm... I'm so sorry, all right? I just thought that if I could get you here all

dressed up under the moonlight, you know, you'd find it in your heart to

me. And you thought that buying me some $600 dress would make me forget about

you kissing that woman?

$600?

So much money for some little fabric.

I'm trying here. What do you want me to do? I don't know if there's anything you

can do.

You know, once the trust is gone, there's nothing. And once again, you've

that you are not worthy of my trust.

Irene, wait.

If I gave you a thousand kisses...

Would you give me a thousand and one?

You watch too many movies, Ferg.

Here's the thing. If the captain asks, I've been standing here all night.

Where's Ashley?

You know what? Who cares?

For a second there, I thought there was something behind her asking me here

tonight, but... Once again, I was used to make a woman look good.

Where's Irene?

She's right down there, lowering herself into a dinghy.

I should probably go tell somebody.

Hey, Pete.

Hey.

Why aren't you in there getting your residency?

I don't know.

Something told me I should be out here looking for you.

Really? No, I already got it.

Congratulations.

Really, thank you so much.

Dr. and Mrs. Richards just loved you. Yeah, I know. She gave me her number and

told me he travels a lot.

What? Berg was watching this old movie about a couple on a boat just like this.

Sappy. And corny.

What happened?

You know, they danced, of course. Of course.

You want to?

Okay.

So, you're going to California.

Like it worked out for both of us.

How's that?

Well, I get a residency and you get rid of me.

I just think I only needed one more name on my petition to get you kicked out of

the building.

It's a shame you can't write or you could have signed it.

You know, for someone who just got one of the best residencies in the country,

you don't seem very happy.

What are you talking about? Of course I'm happy.

It's something I've always wanted.

Now, you know, sometimes the exciting part is trying to get the thing you

And then once you get it, you realize it's not that great. So you start

thinking, maybe it's best to just keep wanting it.

We are talking about the residency, aren't we?

Oh, hey, there's the captain.

Hey,

what you doing?

Oh, that movie's on again. I never saw the end.

There you are.

You kissed another woman, didn't you?

I had to. She called me darling.

You're a dirty, rotten, wench -kissing scallywag.

Nothing to do with you.

Uh -oh.

Eileen, no!

I'm gonna go lock the door.