Original subtitles

My doll.

Katie. Hey, what are you doing here?

Well, I was in the neighborhood, and I happened to have a rare Captain Karma

comic book for a hard -working doctor. Oh, this is great. This one's awesome,

too. This is the one where Captain Karma meets his sidekick, Gary.

Yeah, I was just thinking about you.

Yeah.

Hey.

They're launching a new comic book at the coffee house on Beacon. Would you

to go?

Yes, I would, except, um, no.

Because, uh... Because, um, I'm really kind of busy around here, so...

Well, it's at 6 o 'clock, and I'll be there, so come if you change your mind.

Yeah, thanks for the book. You're welcome.

Strong.

Who was that?

Oh, it's just a nice girl. That's why you don't know her.

Really? And does Irene know her?

Uh, no. Actually, Irene doesn't know everyone I know.

You're certainly not the girls you flirt with.

I don't flirt with women. Ashley, I talk to them. Is it my fault it comes out

like music?

You shouldn't be going out with someone when you have a girlfriend, and you know

it. I am not going out with her, okay? I might meet her in a public place. And

you know what? My grandfather used to use an expression that I think might

here. Uh -huh, and what was that?

Shut up, Ashley.

Hey, baby.

Hey, oh, good, you're home.

Guess what I'm doing.

You're leaving me and taking very little.

No, I'm going on a stakeout. Get out. Yeah, Mark's working on this woman's

divorce case, and we need to get pictures of her husband cheating.

Well, what a coincidence. I got you a someone's cheating bouquet.

Oh, sweet.

But next time, sweetie, take off the price tag.

You seem pretty tacky just to give you the receipt.

I want to say sorry for spending so much time at the station this week. I know.

I miss you.

Hey, you know what?

I have Pete to come with me tonight. He wants to use his binocular flask. But

why don't you come with me instead? We could fool around.

How are you going to catch them fooling around if we're fooling around?

If you do it right, I won't care.

Baby, I would love to, but I've got to get back to the station.

You're going to the station again? I haven't seen you in days. I've been

training all week. The test is on Saturday. If I fail any one of these,

Oh, good. Is your back still bothering you? No, no. It's just you reach a

certain age, that's the noise you make when you bend over.

Hey, what's going on?

It's international night.

Again?

Yes, it's Thursday, the night we explore the culture of a different country.

And tonight, the lucky nation is... Italia.

Yeah, well, I'm still digesting Poland there. Oh, come on. I made sausage with

meatballs and arranged them in a way that always makes you laugh.

Irene, look, I, uh... I gotta tell you, you know, I'm getting pretty tired of

International Night.

You loved Swiss Night.

Yeah, but you were naked and the Alps were covered in chocolate.

Nothing. No, there's something on your mind. No, there isn't. Oh, come on.

Okay, it isn't me, is it? No, it's not, it's not, not really.

What is it?

Am I annoying you? I'm annoying, aren't I? Somebody told me that once. No, wait.

No, no, it's not, it's not that, okay? It's not a big deal. It's just, it's

little things, you know? Like what? Like International Night, for instance. You

know, all your choices have been very Eurocentric.

I had no idea this bothered you. Okay, come on. Don't be like that, all right?

I'm sure that I do things that bother you, too. Nope. I mean little things.

Well, last week when I... Nope. Okay.

Green, you know, if you don't feel close enough to open up to me, then what kind

of relationship do we have?

Well, okay.

All right. I guess there's one thing. There you go. Let's have it. Come on.

Well, the other day when you shaved, Terry, there was a little splash on

Oh, my God!

What is it, Martha Stewart's summer home all of a sudden?

I can't even relax a little at my own girlfriend's house, for God's sake!

Oh, me?

Bird, you asked me. Yeah, but I didn't think I'd be raked over the coals.

Wow, this really hurts. I'm sorry.

You know what? I think I need some time alone to think. I'm going to go back to

my place where I can shave without being treated like some degenerate.

I can't believe it. I feel like such a target.

said wear black. I said wear something that blends in.

This does blend.

I am the knight.

Hey, Bert, do you think this is the right thing to wear on a stakeout?

I find it a little frightening that you're on a stakeout ensemble.

What? No, no, this isn't a stakeout ensemble. I put this together. See, this

my ski turtleneck.

And these are my matador pants.

Hey, hey, hey, Bert.

You want to come with us? I'm too upset. Irene started a huge fight.

About what? Oh, I'm a giant slob, apparently. It's so upsetting.

Makes me want to, I don't know, go to a comic book signing with an old friend.

Come on, Pete.

Wait, wait, where are you? I can't see you. You blended in so well.

All right, I'll be right out. I just want to talk to Bird for a second.

What do you think you're doing?

What?

Comic book signing?

Comic book girl? This is the girl you were attracted to. Don't make it such a

big deal. It is a big deal.

You can't do this to Irene. You said you loved her, and she said it back.

Twelve hours later.

Yeah, well, it took you three days to return my I love you, man.

This may sound ridiculous, but in that 12 hours, something changed.

I don't look at her the same way anymore, all right? This morning, she

with a meat cleaver, and it just wasn't as cute as it used to be.

So what? What are you saying? You don't love her anymore?

I don't know. You know, all I know is that I was hurt, and then I met Katie,

now I'm so confused.

Hurt? Man, I wish you'd come and talk to me. I mean...

I hate to toot my own horn, but, you know, you're talking to the guy who's

confused in every relationship he's ever been in.

And I really wish we'd had this talk when you weren't wearing matador pants.

Look, Pete, if I don't see this through, then I'm never going to know how I

really feel.

All right, just be careful.

Pete, get out here!

The night calls.

I'm sorry, who?

Maverick.

Go for Maverick.

Oh, shh, shh. It's him, it's him. Grab the camera.

All right, where did he go? Where did he... Where did you go?

I wonder Johnny didn't come with you tonight.

He didn't come because he's doing another one of your stupid training

He's been there every night this week, the poor little thing.

He has. I haven't seen him.

What? He said he's been there.

Oh, yeah, right. No, yeah, he was there.

But you just said that he wasn't. Yeah, why are you listening to me? I'm ripped

on binocular hooch.

and argue his way out of that one.

I can't believe I didn't see this coming.

Hey, don't beat yourself up.

Guys are sneaky.

First they start by working late at night and then they have to go in early

the morning and the next thing you know they have to go away on weekends.

Yeah.

I guess this is the kind of thing you've seen a hundred times.

I've done it a hundred times.

They're all the same.

You better keep an eye on your...

He loves me too much. He just brought me these flowers yesterday.

Yeah, well, I just got a dozen roses on Tuesday.

Yeah, we were just married a year ago. Last summer. We have sex all the time.

Okay, that's different.

We stopped because his back...

I've heckled poetry readings here.

Excuse me.

Can I get your autograph?

Can I get you a better pickup line?

You, a fellow geek, love... Wait a minute! This is... This is you!

This is great!

Oh, my... Wow, how did you become such a great artist?

Well, you see, the secret to being good is being holed up in your room all

through high school.

I thought you were the secret to self -love.

Come on, let's grab a coffee. Two hazelnuts, please.

Wow. Now, take a look. Do you see anybody familiar?

Uh, no.

Just a pizza face and an aluminum smile.

high school if I had a cape.

I've been working on this for eight years.

I modeled that character after you.

Really? Yeah. I wanted to write about someone who was kind and funny and

I wanted to write about you, Berg.

Wow.

That was great.

I gotta go.

Oh, okay. Look, my girlfriend said that she didn't love me. And later on, she

said that she did love me. But meanwhile, I ran into you and I got

I came down here to see if there's anything with you. And then we kissed

realized that there wasn't anything.

And I realized, most of all, that I love my girlfriend.

I love her.

exercises what what's he doing here i don't know i mean it's just an empty

filled with mattresses what if he really is cheating on me jaron

he would never do that he loves you

I'll go get the camera.

I'm here. I don't need pictures.

Donnie! Sharon!

All right, who is she?

Who's who? What are you talking about?

Oh, my God, she's a ham!

It's a training dummy from the fire station.

Oh, good Lord, that...

Well, I'll say you're having an affair with a stuffed man.

Oh, for God's sake.

My back has been killing me. I drove out here. I grabbed one of the dummies.

I've been taking the weights out. That way it'll be lighter for tomorrow's

What?

So you've been out here rigging the test every night?

Step Wednesday, that's my step class.

on me.

Me and the entire fire department. And let me tell you something, Johnny, she

a woman who does not forgive.

You're not going to tell on me. I have no choice.

You know, we do these tests for a reason. I mean, John, do we want firemen

can only save the skinny?

Pete, you know I'm a strong guy. My back will heal and I will be a great

fireman. Don't ruin this for me.

cheats his way through life, huh?

Bending the rules to serve his own selfish needs.

I'll give you $20 to keep your mouth shut.

Oh, you make me sick.

Hey, Bert.

You have a long face.

Oh, yeah.

It's your oddly shaped head.

to tell Irene.

Oh. How about in a nice note on the lid of your coffin?

I just feel like I really need to tell her. Is the girl pregnant?

No. Is there video tape? No. Is it coming out in the tabloids? Did she turn

to be a man? What exactly is the problem?

No. Okay, look, I... Here's the deal. I feel so great because now I realize how

I feel about Irene, okay? But I also feel so guilty because I betrayed her to

find out.

You should feel guilty, but let it torture you, not Irene.

Why would I listen to you?

Well, it may sound crazy, but I've grown fond of that little freak.

And I don't want to see her hurt.

Besides, I didn't tell you that I kissed Justin when you and I were going out,

did I?

You what?

See, I should have kept it to myself. Now I've hurt your feelings. Fine, but

I'll get over it. Oh, I also didn't tell you that Justin and I photocopied our

butts during Christmas party.

That poor helpless machine.

Well, you're in quite the rush to see me. I am.

Listen,

I want to apologize for yesterday.

No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have harped at you about the shaving thing.

No, no. I mean, that was my fault.

Look, let's not point fingers, okay? Let's just put it all behind us.

I don't want to be one of those couples that gets bogged down in silly fights.

Let's not be Johnny and Sharon.

Please.

All right.

All forgiven?

Mm.

These are... These are for you. Oh, I love the flowers.

Yeah, I love you. I love you, too. See, I said it right away this time.

Oh, gosh.

Listen, um... Oh, what's this?

That... Oh.

That's just a stupid comic. Oh, I can see why you bought it. This geek looks

like you.

I have to tell you something.

I went to the signing of this comic book to meet another

woman.

Oh.

That's okay.

Good.

I'm calm.

All right.

Who's this woman?

What's her address?

No.

Irene, don't overreact, okay? We just had coffee. And coffee leads to sex.

Everyone knows that.

God, why do you think there's a Starbucks on every corner in America?

Come on, don't be ridiculous, all right? We didn't have sex, okay? We just

kissed.

Excuse me?

I am so sorry. I was confused.

Well, sorry doesn't cut it.

You can't give in to every temptation that comes along, Michael Bergen. I was

watching Benicio Del Toro the other night.

And I began to stir.

I turned the channel out of respect for you.

Now.

I'm afraid you have to leave.

Stop.

I just want you to know you broke my heart.

There you go. Enjoy.

I'm your number one fan.

That's sweet.

Um, uh, who should I make this out to? Uh -huh, yeah.

Make it out to a woman scorned.

Oh, yeah, I know how you feel.

I just had my heart broken myself.

Oh, that's so sad.

Maybe we should get together and talk about it. What's your address?