Original subtitles

What? Move over.

Okay.

What

the

hell are you doing in my bed?

Jogging.

You can't sleep here, Berg.

People talk as it is.

Something from Ashley's apartment is leaking on my bed, all right? It's

wet. I haven't slept in 48 hours, and I have to be back at the hospital first

thing in the morning.

The couch is closer to the hospital. Why don't you go sleep there?

I can't, okay?

Last week, I spilled milk on the couch, and for some reason, now it smells.

So go sleep on the floor.

I can't. For some reason, there's a line of ants heading towards the couch.

Fine.

You can sleep here. Good.

You don't mind. I'm just going to read a little bit.

Oh, the TV won't bother you, will it?

And now, the singing fish.

Last time I buy you a gift out of the airplane catalog.

You can't fool me. I know it's you.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm going to paint my door.

According to the ancient art of feng shui, a blue door says, welcome.

Now go home.

Hey.

I mean, no, I'm not here for what you think. I just really need a place to

sleep. Oh, and you thought, why not on top of Irene?

Look, I told you I'm not ready to commit to you.

Besides, my hands are full. Frankly, some of the cats are very, very high

the paint.

Irene, something from Ashley's apartment is leaking on my bed, okay? I just need

a place to sleep. That's all.

Okay, go tell her to fix the leak. No, she's at the hospital.

All right, then just go sleep in her room.

Here's your key.

Please tell me Johnny loaned you a superintendent's key.

Once. That's when I had these made.

Baby, where you been?

Not now, sweetheart. I gotta call the roofer guy. Three hours I waited for

and he never showed up. Oh, God, you know what? That reminds me. It reminds

the roofer guy called, and he can't show up.

Why didn't you call me?

I was about to, but the phone broke.

What happened to it?

I don't know. Nobody asked me for it. Things fall into other things.

The garbage disposal's broken, too.

What a day I am having. Everything is going wrong. First of all, there was

why is this beer warm, and how come the little lights aren't coming on?

Oh, I thought I unplugged the disposal.

Yeah, it's here.

Oh, God, I feel so good.

See, tomorrow's going to be a better day. Oh, lower.

Tomorrow's going to be a better day.

Come on, maybe I can take your mind off things.

Oh, yeah?

What exactly do you have in mind? I went to the store today.

Did you get candles?

Oh, yeah.

Did you get massage oil? Oh, yeah.

And did you get protection?

Oh, God, you know, I've really got to start making up a list.

I got my hopes up and everything.

Well, baby, just go out and buy some more.

Oh, wait, it's freezing outside, and believe me, cold is not going to help us

the long run.

Okay, okay, okay, then go get some from Pete and Berg.

Ew!

I'm not going to have them sitting up there knowing their protection is

lucky with my wife.

Well, then you better go take a cold bath.

Showerhead broke off.

Oh, gross.

Oh.

I should have asked for these back when we broke up.

We're the king.

building a tornado shelter?

Do you know where Johnny is? Because he's not answering his phone.

Well, it's the middle of the night. He's probably asleep, like most normal

people.

Ah, so you've been watching us. Good.

Listen, since you're awake and your bed is empty, do you think I could crash

here tonight?

Peter, I told you, I am no longer interested in you. I know, that's why

easy to ask this.

Oh, I understand perfectly.

You don't get thirsty until the well runs dry.

Take away your candy. Suddenly you have a sweet tooth.

Could you use earth words, please?

You want me.

Okay. Yeah, you're right, Irene.

All these years of snubbing you have been an elaborate ruse to get you in bed

tonight. Wow.

Oh, this is bordering on obsession.

Don't make me get a restraining order.

You can have mine. Just reverse the names.

I'll be off in a second. I just got to check my messages.

I went out with a terrific guy the other night, and I'm hoping he calls.

He's really rich. Not that that matters.

I understand.

I'm more addictive than crack.

Is that my music box?

No.

Okay, so hypothetically, since you're in your apartment, if I call you back

right now, you're going to pick up your phone?

Not a chance, lady. You really got to get over me. I got to go.

Can't we just mess around?

Johnny, if you could just mess around, we wouldn't keep running out of

protection.

If you could make a list, we'd be making with the bump bumps right now.

Come on. It's not like I don't want to.

But, I mean, you know, we've got to be responsible.

It's not like we're teenagers.

Are you making fun of my parents?

I just don't think it's worth the risk.

Ridiculously tiny. Yeah, how tiny?

Well, I work a lot around electrical currents, and I'm pretty sure I'm

Oh, oh, that's good. As we walk by, people will say, Lookie, there goes the

sterile electrician and his pregnant bride.

I can handle that. I love kids.

I could say I wanted to raise tigers right now, and you'd say yes.

Sure, we could work them into our magic act.

Okay.

ready to be a father whoa oh what's that supposed to mean i'm gonna be a great

dad yes you will someday but not now i mean everything makes you angry broken

phones warm beer i will have you know that i am going to be the most patient

understanding father a child has ever had go away hey thanks buddy i uh

i really need a place to crash Not here.

No, my bed is soaking wet.

Ugh, couch smell.

Ashley, get this.

I can't

believe she thinks I'm obsessed with her.

She's the one who's off balance.

She's the one who spent four months in a special hospital.

They didn't take away my mirrors and shoelaces.

You don't see me up in the middle of the night talking to myself. Do you? No,

you do not.

Why am I not surprised?

Look. Look, just because I knock on your door once in the middle of the night

does not mean that I'm upset with you. But this is the second time you've

knocked on my door.

Oh, and that makes me upset? Look, I'm just the knocker. You're the knocker

counter.

Oh, Pete, this is classic.

Oh, it doesn't take Dr. Freud to notice you work knockers into the conversation.

What? What? No, no, no. Irene, that is... You know what? The conversation is

over. Then why are you still standing here?

Because it's a free country. That's why.

Blanket? Where's my blanket?

Shut up, Berg!

Hey, easy.

Little fella lost his blanket.

You do know that's Berg, right?

I'm just trying to show a little patience and understanding.

Hey, I think that's my natural fatherly instincts kicking in.

Okay, fine.

But if he's hungry, I'm not breastfeeding.

Hey.

Here you go.

There. That's right, slugger.

That's a blank.

I always thought there'd be a three -headed dog guarding this room.

Come on, boy.

There's trouble at the well.

That's a good boy.

Stay. Stay.

It's all right.

Listen, let's check.

Ah! Damn it! Damn it.

Shh, Burke.

It's okay, buddy. It's all right.

What are you doing?

Just fixing his pillow. Just buffing his pillow.

Do you have some water?

in the morning, getting him a drink of water. Nobody ever got me a drink of

water. Bathroom light is on. No one's in there.

I'm the toilet king.

But you guys... But what?

Do you have any juice?

All right. That's it.

Johnny, he only asked for juice.

Okay, why do you baby him?

Come on, Bert, let's go. Where are we going?

Well, you're going back upstairs.

I don't want to go upstairs. I want some juice.

You can get your own juice upstairs.

Fine. I will get my own juice upstairs.

Good. Good.

She'll be sorry when I'm dead.

It's like dealing with a baby.

Now, sweetie, that is not fair. You cannot compare Berg to a baby.

Babies have potential.

I hate to admit it, but I think you're right. Of course I was.

About what this time?

About me not being ready to have a baby.

You know, I'm just... From now on, we use protection two at a time.

Okay, baseball, Sister Margaret, 108 times 5 in baseball.

Do all the men in your bed get that warning?

What are you doing in my bed?

Well, I had a bit of porridge.

I'm sorry, I must have fallen asleep.

That is really comfortable. What is this, Egyptian cotton?

My music box.

Oh, yeah.

Here's your little toy.

It is not a toy. You broke pretty Kathy.

Do you have a lighter? I'll melt her feet right back on.

What are you doing here?

I came up here to fix your toilet. It's leaking into our apartment.

I tried to stop him.

He's so brave.

Well,

go down and turn off the water main.

I'm not going down to the Department of Water and Power in the middle of the

night.

It's right outside the building by the garbage bin. I know that. I thought you

meant turn off the water to the city.

I can't sleep here.

You can sleep there.