Original subtitles

Look what I bought.

Cool. Tonight, I'll be the doctor and you'll be the Vegas showgirl.

They're for you, silly.

I'm the showgirl.

I've been a very bad showgirl.

We have to go back to the apartment.

Pete!

Peter!

It's cool. No one's here.

Thank you.

Thanks for walking me out.

Listen, don't you think all this sneaking around is making us look a

silly? No.

you underneath my robe, that would look silly, right?

But, Irene, I'm just saying, would it be so terrible if one or two people found

out about us?

I'm sure it must be very tempting to run down the hall yelling, I made sweet

love with Irene!

But I cannot run the risk of Pete ever finding out.

Oh, still with the Pete thing, huh?

Wow.

I would have thought after spending this much time with me, you might have

forgotten about him.

And so at the half, New England leads by a touchdown. And when we come back,

we'll be joined by Red Sox superstar, Nomar Garciaparra.

Did you hear that? My man Nomar's coming on.

Nomar's not your man.

He was never your man. He was my man.

So you, my friend, are going to have to find yourself another man.

Hey, we need to talk. I know exactly what you're talking about. Marty's not

wearing a brooch.

We need to talk about you and Irene having sex in my house.

Oh, oh, well, you know what? You're going to have to talk to Irene about

She books all our gigs.

Cut it out, Berg. I saw you.

Oh. Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I still see you every time I close my eyes. You can't

anybody. Well, I have to tell Sharon. You can't tell Sharon.

She's my wife. Big deal!

Where's it written that just because she's your wife you have to tell her

everything?

In the prenup.

I'm just saying, Johnny. I'm just saying just the fact that you're married

doesn't change the fact that you're a guy.

And guys need to tell each other things, Johnny. Guy things.

No, you don't understand. This is Sharon we're talking about, all right? She's

got a death grip on my guy things.

Johnny, Johnny, come on, please. Please, Johnny.

Please.

What are you two talking about?

Nothing. Nothing. Johnny was just telling me how nice he thought I looked.

I mean, I brought it up, but then Johnny was like...

That doesn't sound like you, Johnny.

I tell guys you look good all the time. Hey, buddy.

Cute slacks.

Hey, Nomar's on.

Oh, what's he wearing?

Nomar, there's a lot of speculation right now concerning whether you'll stay

with the Red Sox. What can you tell us?

Well, I'm considering all my options right now.

Yeah, did you hear that? No more might leave Boston.

Aside from the obvious heartache involved for Red Sox fans, I understand

was some heartache involved for you personally.

Yeah.

Ashley.

So, Nomar, big year, the batting title.

I have a picture right here.

No more. We're going to take a break, and we'll be right back.

Who is this Ashley chick?

Let's find where she lives and do something!

Ashley, this is awful. You better get out of here. Why? Nobody knows who I am.

Hey! Aren't you Ashley from the TV?

No, no, no. You listen to me, Johnny. You stay strong.

Okay, look. I gotta go.

I gotta go. No, Johnny, she cannot see into your soul.

Well, then look the other way.

Okay.

Daddy told you not to bother him when he's on the phone.

Check out the morning paper. Ashley's all over him.

All the witches aren't in Salem.

No Garcia Parra?

Let's lynch her tomorrow.

And the funny guy on SportsCenter called her trashly.

Think about it.

Ashley's upstairs asleep.

She has no idea the world hates her. That's right. She is going to be

when she sees this. You're right. You're right. Yeah.

I should go wake her up.

Hey, you can't talk. I've got to go torture Ashley.

What's that about?

Ashley's 15 minutes of shame. Check this out.

at the bar.

What were you and Johnny really talking about?

Was Johnny at the bar yesterday?

Oh.

Okay.

Think I'm a secret. Okay.

That's fine.

I'm not going to tell you. Whatever.

No matter what you say. I know. You can't tell because it's about Ashley.

Pete. No. Irene. Why would I have a secret that has anything to do with

Okay. Secret about Irene.

That is ridiculous.

Secret about Berg and Irene.

Okay, stop.

How do you go from that's ridiculous to Berg and Irene knowing full well that

she's the last person I would ever have anything to do with?

You're not sleeping with her, are you? Johnny told you!

I snuck a head on her breast and she let it stay there.

Irene. I mean, you know, little dude.

Irene.

I know.

I know. I know. And that's why I didn't tell anyone.

No, no. You told Johnny. No, I didn't. He walked in on us in your new house.

I have to make him tell me. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Terry, Terry, you already know.

Yes, but a husband needs to learn that he can't keep secrets from his wife.

Well, you know what?

Lady, I'm betting on Johnny.

Because when a man has a secret and he doesn't want to tell, he ain't going to

let no woman make him.

Yeah, you're probably right. You're damn straight I'm right.

Oh, oh, hey.

Huh? Does Irene have a pet name for you? Banana Pants.

Strangers? Marty, he's not a stranger.

We are all brothers in the fight against Ashley.

Come on, Pete.

Leave the poor woman alone. She just broke up with her boyfriend because he

acting like an idiot.

That could happen to anyone.

All right, all right. Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm taking this whole thing

little too far.

I'll stop.

Hey, everybody. Here she comes.

It's showtime.

You look doing your lame chance and waving foam fingers.

My personal life is not your business. So stop worrying about me and start

worrying about how to explain your cousin's baby.

I'm sorry. Excuse me. What's the password?

And that man happens to be a huge Yankees fan.

My boyfriend, Peter Dunville.

Thank God. All right, wait, wait. It's these sports.

Oh, my God.

This is bigger than your actual face.

You. I know, I know. It is so unfair of me to put you in the middle of this. I'm

going to put an end to it right now.

It'll be the second blow you throw at me today.

Yeah, Irene, I won't be in need of your services today. I'm already annoyed.

Did you see? Did you see this picture of Pete in the arms? Oh, that!

Well, you know what it's like to kiss Pete, Irene.

Oh, wait.

You don't.

Okay, this is very upsetting.

If you don't, you have to relax.

I'm gonna go home, give the cats a bath.

I could use some help scrubbing their soft, naked backs.

Ew. All right.

Wow. How long have Berg and Irene been sleeping together?

Man, you really have no clue when it comes to relationships, do you?

Would you please just focus? We have a problem out there. I can't make Nomar

stay in Boston. It's obvious he still loves me and finds it too painful to be

the same city with me. Well, then, I guess it's up to me. I have to make him

realize what a horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible person you

Fine. If you think Nomar's going to believe the babblings of a pony -kicked

child, then go right ahead.

All right, you know what? Now you're being rude.

He already knows about us. What?

Apparently he was staring.

This is awful.

When Pete finds out how I've been foiled, he'll never touch me.

Okay, for that comment, you're going to have to buy me something.

Okay, who else have you told?

No one.

God bless you, Johnny.

And all the children lucky enough to be born unto you.

But I have to tell Sharon. You rotten hell with your dead son.

understand what Sharon's been like lately. I can't take the pressure.

I'm just a handyman.

I wasn't trained for this.

He's right, Irene. Sharon can be a real hag when she wants to.

Now listen, buddy.

You've been getting the milk for free here.

But I can make you lactose intolerant pretty quick if word gets out about

Come on, Johnny. Help me out here, man. Baby needs his bottle.

A price of milk.

Oh, oh, I guess this is about yours and Berg's secret, huh, Johnny?

Johnny doesn't have a secret. I think Johnny can talk for himself.

Maybe he can. Maybe he shouldn't.

Maybe you should butt out.

I got ten bucks in the little one. Stop it.

Sharon? Yes?

I have a secret that I promised not to tell, and that's that.

Okay, fine. Good.

You can reflect that.

There'll be no dinner.

There'll be no poker night.

And the only kind of sex you'll be having is the kind without me.

And that's that.

Yes, Johnny, that was heroic.

You gave up Nookie so that others might get...

It's sort of my fault.

In a way.

Bert, this is all your fault. Actually, more than you know it. I already told

Sharon the secret.

What?

Yeah, yeah. She was actually just being mean to break you. But you know what?

You held your ground. You, you are heroic.

to me here? You'll see. You'll see.

Nomar's going to be on the 6 o 'clock news. I convinced him to stay in Boston.

How did you manage that?

Well, it all went according to plan. I found him at the batting... Well,

actually, Marty found him at the batting cages.

Tell her. Tell her. Tell her.

Well, I was practicing my swing and Nomar came up and was giving me some

and then we just started talking. Anyway, anyway. I started off by telling

you have two basic personalities.

Nasty and asleep.

And he was on board instantly. I'm very convincing. Aren't I, Marty?

Are you ever?

Oh, I thought you said irritating.

Oh, here it is. Watch, watch, watch.

Everyone, if you'll please turn your attention to the television and hear

Nomar has to say.

Afterwards, I'll be accepting your apologies in the form of your lips on my

butt.

Well, it could be worse. This could be a pie shop.

Well, the nightmare... is over. Red Sox fans, you can relax.

But let's let the man tell you himself.

That's right, Mike. I'm not leaving Boston.

Now, why the sudden turnaround?

Let's just say someone very special with an incredible smile convinced me to

stay.

And I'm really looking forward to seeing that smile a lot next season.

Wow.

I mean, I knew he liked me, but I had no idea he noticed my smile.

I've changed my mind.

I'm going to tell you my secret.

Tell me, tell me, tell me.

Now, I never wanted to lie to you, all right? I just never had very much in my

life, but I've always had my word, and I like to think that that means

something. Yeah, yeah.

I just... I want you to know how much I'm giving you.

Johnny, we can't have secrets between us.

I mean, our marriage has to be based on absolute honesty.

Oh, I see that now.

The secret is, two of our friends living in this building are sleeping together.

Those two people are Pete and Ashley.

Oh, my God!

Pete and Ashley?

That's not the secret.

Well, that's what I heard. Did you hear something different?

You thought what?

Nothing.

Wow.

Shocking, isn't it?

Man, one minute you think you know everything, and the next minute you

know nothing.

And I'm just glad that we can be honest with each other, sweetie.

Now, uh, was there something you wanted to tell me?

You're sure?

Mm.

Okay, so here's what I was thinking.

You make dinner, and then we'll have a little slap and tickle.

And the boys will come over to play some cards, and that's that.