Original subtitles

No, it's me, Bert.

What? He made me do it. He made me do it. I am so

sorry. Look, honey, no. Look, I am lost without you. I mean, not literally lost.

This is the basement. I know that.

Forget it. You know what? Let's just get married.

Just like we planned.

Johnny, you don't know how badly you hurt me last night.

I don't think I can ever feel that way again. It's like somebody thugged me in

the gut.

Baby, I know I made a huge mistake. I know that I was wrong. If I could do

anything to make your hurt my own, I would.

See?

It felt like that all night long.

Well, I'm glad it didn't feel like someone kicked you in the groin.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so glad you came back.

Yeah, I am too.

I'm sorry I ate first.

Where's your idiot roommate?

The village recalled him.

He told Nomar that you and I escaped.

to Albany for the weekend, Nomar's going to think we're having an affair.

Please. Like Nomar doesn't get chicks on the road.

There you are. Thanks for telling Nomar that I was with my ex -boyfriend.

I didn't say that.

I said former lover.

Pete, how rude. You didn't introduce me to your date.

Hi, I'm Ashley. Hi, I'm Marty.

Oh, and Pete, I know they make you feel confident, but I need my bra and panties

back.

You two are together?

That is great.

Berg, everything I have to say to you, I could say with one finger.

Let's go.

No, Pete, listen.

You need to talk to him, okay?

I can't stand you guys not being friends because of me.

As flattering as that is.

I'll wait outside.

What? I got you a little gift.

You think I'm just going to forget everything because you got me a little

Who loves chocolate?

Keep talking.

I did a lot of thinking in Albany, and I realized that I screwed up. Okay, my

life sucks lately, and I'm taking it out on the people that I care about. It was

wrong, and I really want you to forgive me.

Well, your life does really suck.

He loves me again.

No. He does. No. No. No. No. No. Come on!

I didn't like you doing this when we were getting along.

Hey,

these must be good. There's a fat lady on the front.

Bert, half the chocolates are eaten.

Yeah, I know. That is half the calories of a full box.

Of my chocolate? See, this is so typical, Bert. You're only thinking of

yourself. Hey, what is the big deal, okay?

I don't understand what your problem is.

At least I made the first gesture.

What a lousy gesture.

You know, why do I keep believing you? Why do I think there's more to you than

hair gel?

Okay, you know what?

You don't want to let this go.

You just want to keep holding it over my head because it makes you feel better

than me.

You're right.

You're right. And you know what? I'm wrong.

And, um, I hope that this shows you how sorry I

am, you insensitive little twit!

Bigger men than you throwing candy at me.

You know what?

When I go to fireman's training, I'm not coming back.

Oh, oh, oh, you're moving out? Yeah, I consider this our last night as

roommates. Well, you're lucky you're moving out, because otherwise I'd kick

ass. Oh, yeah?

I said if you weren't moving out.

Hey.

How'd it go?

I think I hit him in the eye with a chocolate turtle.

handle this. I'll meet you outside. Okay. Okay, all right.

All right,

Irene, calm down.

Please tell me that was your sister.

I don't know how that would make the situation better, but it's not. Look,

Irene, that was my date, and you really need to find a way to be okay with this.

It's okay.

I'm okay.

You sure?

Yeah, I'll be fine, really.

All right.

Then I'll see you later. Okay, see ya. Okay.

Turns out Pete likes ugly girls.

But she just canceled you guys yesterday. How could you already be

Well, couldn't he get buried another day?

Think I killed him.

Great. No church. That'll go great with no banquet hall and no food.

You know what, honey?

This is a sign.

We weren't meant to have a big planned wedding.

Let's get married right now.

Baby, I don't think... No, you do.

Don't think.

That's when we always get into trouble. Thinking's bad.

Don't you think that we should... Thinking?

Talking, communicating.

We're not good at that.

Let's just grab the ring, go to the adjustment of the piece, let's just do

before we screw it up.

Do I have time to put on my wedding gown? I'll drive slow. Oh, my God. Oh,

God, everybody.

Excuse me, Superintendent Donnelly, I have a grievance. Okay, Irene, this is

really not a good time. But this is urgent. I've discovered a violation in

lease agreement.

It specifically prohibits prostitutes in the building, and Pete's girlfriend is

a whore.

Okay, okay, I'm ready. Let's go. Hey, Sharon, where are you going? We're

married. I know, next week. I'm getting a perm.

No, no, no, we're going to go to City Hall right now. Wait, no, no, no, you

can't. You are starting your life together. It has to be special and

And fast.

We've got to go before we change our minds. Well, I can throw a wedding

tomorrow. I'll call everyone. I know a minister who will do it in a second. Oh,

come on, City Hall is no place for a proper wedding.

Well, I do look great in this dress, and it'd be a shame to just waste it on

you.

This is so great. I will do this for you guys, and then when I get married, you

can throw me mine.

I think we got the better end of that deal.

Okay, okay, okay. So 24 hours. Can we go that long without fighting?

Of course we can, honey.

Together we can do anything.

But just in case, I'll see you in 24 hours. Okay.

Okay, so you're at the wedding.

Just think, next time we fight, we'll be married.

This

is

really great, Irene.

Let me ask you something.

Not to criticize, but this being Boston, Johnny being Irish, Why Mexican?

The store I work at overstocked for Cinco de Mayo.

One side the theme, the rest just fell into place.

Senors! Whoa,

Irene, Irene, don't look. Don't look now.

Robert Goulet is on the rooftop.

Oh, I know. I invited him.

Bob Goulet, where have you been?

Too far from you, pumpkin.

Pop, pop, pop the laser game.

I'm the minister.

Oh. Yeah, things were kind of slow in the 80s, so I got my license.

I'm also a notary.

So, um, what's on your mind? I don't know. It's just all happening

so fast. I just... You know, I just wish my mom was here.

Yeah, I know. You plan these weddings like hundreds of minutes in advance

People still can't make it.

We can't afford to wait. The pressure's just tearing us apart. I think we'll be

able to relax and work out our problems once we're legally trapped.

You don't mind if I wait to buy you a wedding gift, do you?

Irene, this is really great wedding salsa.

Interesting story. I got the recipe out of that floozy.

Hey, Bert. Hey, Marty. Have you met Irene?

Irene, this is Marty.

She's going out with Pete.

I'll let you two chat.

Hi, Irene.

Hello.

How's your asthma?

Better.

Listen, I'm glad we have a chance to talk.

Pete told me how special you are to him.

He did?

Yeah. He said you're the kind of person who puts her friends in front of

anything else and that he would never, ever want to see you hurt.

So I'm hoping we could be friends.

I can't hate you.

Oh, I want to. I really do. Wait.

No, I can't.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

So would you mind taking off your hat and screwing up my reception?

And it's tacky.

You look radiant.

I've been drinking.

Sharon, I got you an entirely uneaten box of chocolates for your wedding.

Suddenly, this is all so real.

Before it just seemed like a play, you two kids cooped up in the backyard.

All these decorations.

Look at all these people.

They're all here to watch us get married.

Okay, is that Robert Goulet?

Gentlemen.

Okay, Berg, remember.

It's right foot, left foot.

I hope you're not chewing gum.

Now, if you want to apologize right now, I'd forget about it, okay? Because that

time has come and gone. Just like our friendship.

Pete, go to hell.

Can I bring your soul back for you?

Boys, I think you forgot something.

Hey, Cher, it's called the wedding march. Now, if you don't march, it's

more of a wedding stand around.

I can't move.

You can't?

Okay. Do you want us to bring Goulet back here?

No. No. I have to talk to Johnny.

Johnny, we're making a huge mistake.

We're rushing into this just to make sure that we go through with it. I

Johnny, what are we doing? It's not like you got me pregnant.

It's not that I can't.

Look, honey, maybe we could talk about this after the wedding. I think you're

missing the point. Johnny, we shouldn't be getting married. We can't even be

around each other without fighting.

You sound like you're already married.

See that, honey? You listen to the minister slash entertainer.

Look, a lot of couples fight. Sometimes that's bad, but sometimes it just means

they give a damn, okay?

Now, just ask yourself a very simple question.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your lives without seeing each other's

face in the morning?

Without sharing laps together?

I mean, if you do, walk away.

But if you don't...

Hold on tight.

Never let go.

Gentlemen, can we just get on with their wedding?

I mean, we'll marry you guys later when it's legal.

Well?

I love you, Sharon.

With all my heart.

I love you, too.

So, you dig her and she digs you.

So, you, uh... You wanna? Oh, I'm in. Oh, me too.

All right. The power vested in me by the Pequot tribe, proud owners of the

Foxwoods Casinos, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Go get her, tiger.

Fernando, I remember long ago another starry night like this.

Well, Irene, looks like you and I are the only ones not dancing.

Yep. Yep.

Irene, Irene, we cannot thank you enough for throwing such a great wedding.

Yeah, it was fantastico. It's Barbara Klein.

I didn't throw the wedding bouquet because I wanted you to have it.

You're going to make somebody very happy someday.

Thank you.

All right. We're going to flip out, too. We've got to get on the road to fireman

boot camp.

I will see you in three months. Remember, fire?

Bad.

All right.

I'll see you, Bart. I'm so glad you guys aren't fighting about us dating

anymore. Me, too.

It's just like kissing my sister.

Well, bye, Irene.

Girl is lovely, Peter.

You, uh, you gonna be okay?

Yeah, I think I am.

Okay.

Listen, Irene, I just want to let you know, if it wasn't for Marty... It'd be

me, I know.

Okay.

Hate to, uh, eat, drop, and roll, but it's, uh, fireman humor.

No, it's not.

Okay, don't stop it. No, don't.

Don't, don't, don't cry, Irene, okay? You're gonna make me cry.

Why are you sad?

Because everyone is leaving, you know?

Sharon's leaving with Johnny.

I hate sleeping with Marty. You know, if one more person leaves, I'm going to

lose it.

Well, thank your roommate for me, Berg. Because of him, I have to blow all of my

vacation time and fly to Cleveland to smooth things over with Nomar.

Well, that doesn't count.

Okay, one last song.

This one is dedicated to a little lady with a big heart.

This is for you, Irene.

Amigo?

He's an idiot to think I could compete with Marty.

I mean, she's decent, kind.

You could crack an egg on that butt.

Marie, I think you're an amazing person.

Don't tease me. No, I'm serious. Look what you did here.

You know, all just to help out some friends. That's a pretty attractive

Well, thank you, sir.

You know, I never noticed because Pete's light shone so brightly, but...

Thank you. It is the last song. Are you sure you don't want to dance?

No, not what I want to do right now. No?

No.

Irene, we can't do this. No. This is wrong.

I know.

This is wrong. I know.

Yeah. I know. This is wrong. I know.

That's stuff.

You're fine.