Original subtitles

Okay. That was a perfect example of emergency CPR.

Dunville, Delaney, you're next. Captain.

Okay. Go ahead, Chuck. Show them your trick.

Thank you.

I love that.

That was really funny, Chuck.

And I'm so lucky to go next.

Good work, Dunville.

Now the victim's clean.

He's dead, but clean.

Gee, Pete.

Well, that experience with blow -up dolls finally paid off.

I wish. I wish. Then I'd know how to deflate you and shove you back in your

Marty, you're next.

But, sir, the idiot's in the way of the dummy.

What? What?

I'm sorry. I have to let her.

Don't worry, the dummy will.

I mean, she likes you.

Get out of here.

Now, think about it. She's putting her mouth where your mouth was.

So? It's like she's kissing you.

Now, come on, guys. The girl, she's always insulting me.

Well, maybe every insult is just a little...

Aren't you coming to the hospital? No, I'm still on probation.

I thought they were letting you work the stockroom. Yeah, but yesterday I

stacked some glass beakers onto some cotton balls.

There's an incident.

Well, you know what? Hey, look on the bright side. You don't have to call in

sick to watch a marathon.

Yeah, yeah. How great is this? And how lucky are we to live at the 19 -mile

mark? You know, the exact distance when a runner's body is drained of all

essential nutrients.

Cramp, wham, laugh, laugh, laugh.

Remember the guy who threw up in his Dixie cup?

Hey, guys. Hey.

Sharon, where have you been? We've got to get our spots.

Guys, I have bad news. I can't stay.

Johnny and I are going to register for the wedding.

What? No. I thought Johnny was going to be re -standing Mrs. Abernathy's floors.

Yeah, I was going to, but she answered the door in her invisible house coat

again, so I'm free to do errands.

I don't think you're blowing me off again, Sharon.

You know, first movie night, then you canceled the Celtic game, and St.

Patrick's Day. Pete and I...

We had to drink by ourselves.

Yeah, Chad, three leprechauns are funny. Two leprechauns is just sad.

I'm sorry. Give me a break. I'm busy. I'm planning a wedding. Sharon, you know

what? Stay if you want. I'll go pick up the china pattern myself.

Gotta go.

All right, buddy. You know what? Looks like it's just us.

What's the point?

Point?

It's a marathon. There is no point.

You're disgusting.

No, no, no.

See, there's this girl at work, and we were doing CPR on a dummy, and she went

after me, but she didn't wipe the mouth first.

Oh. Well, she's got a thing for you.

Or a thing for bacteria.

Tomato, tomato.

Witch. Wench.

Okay. Look at it this way. If one of the guys at the station was eating an ice

cream cone, would you take a lick? Of course not. Oh.

But if you and I were dating, it wouldn't be a big deal, right?

Okay, if you and I were dating, then that ice cream would be the last

food left on our scorched planet.

So yes, yes, I would have some.

See?

Okay. All right, yeah, I'm going to ask her out. No, no, no. If you let her know

that you like her, she'll lose all respect for you. She wants mystery,

uncertainty. That's what fuels romance.

That's ridiculous.

What do you know?

That's why I haven't slept alone in six years, and you're sitting here with the

megaphone heckling people in better shape than you.

All right, all right, all right, all right. Come here, start over. I'll

this time.

Sure. How could you even ask? Don't you know that napkin swans have been hunted

near extinction?

Is that that hard to say? I don't care.

Okay, listen, you know, since, uh, since we didn't get to hang out today, I was

thinking that maybe you, me, and Pete, well, we could all go out tonight.

Aren't you going to Johnny's bachelor party with your saucy buddies?

No. As much as we love being put in a headlock and called college boy all

long, we had to pass.

buddy tonight you should go out with yours okay you're right okay fun all

right it'll be just like college okay oh boy we'll drink until you throw up or

meet a girl all

right this better be good

the marathon?

I still am.

So how may the germ be of service?

Well, uh, oh, well, you can start by, uh, holding this pillow.

I, uh, I need you to locate an old video game machine for me. So give me the

details. Okay, all right. It's an old arcade game. Used to be a mulligan. It's

called caterpillar.

That relic?

Oh, sure, no problem. I'll rev up my time machine and set it to pre -MTV.

Okay.

I'm gonna make this brief so you get off my couch.

The machine has my name and Sharon's name carved right into the side.

Wait a minute, so you want the machine?

Yes, absolutely.

Sharon's going to flip when she sees it. We spent half our college in front of

that thing. You know, we even made it to level 23.

At the time, it was very exciting.

Okay, well, it ain't much to go on, but I'll call a guy who knows a guy, and

you've got to give me a couple days.

No, no, I need to know where it's at tonight.

Tonight? Yes.

Dude, now I'm just going to have to make a call straight to the guy.

You know, we just cleaned these things two days ago. I know, I know. I keep

telling him, step around the soot.

What are you even doing here? I mean, me, I come from a whole line of

firefighters.

I don't know. I guess I just always wanted to be a fireman.

Well, you know, ever since I found out I couldn't be a superhero.

The capes, they make me look chunky.

So do your fireman pants.

So, uh, got any big plans tonight?

No, nothing special.

How about you?

Uh, well, some of my friends are going to a bar called Mulligan's.

You think you might be in the neighborhood?

I don't know, maybe.

What time are you going to be there?

Me?

I don't even know if I'm going.

You know, maybe I will.

Maybe I won't.

What does that mean?

Nothing.

Or something.

Yep.

I'm a mystery.

Well, good luck with that.

beer's over here. Go to hell, Bergen.

And they say you can't go home again.

Hey, relax.

Cheryl will be here. What?

No, no, no, no. I'm looking for Marty from the fire station.

What? You're not supposed to invite anyone. It's supposed to be the three of

Pete. I didn't invite her, Berg.

I told her not to meet me here, and I'm hoping she shows.

Oh, hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. No, that's okay. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

God. I know.

Have they changed anything here?

They had a loo.

Have you noticed where we're sitting?

Oh, my God. It's our table.

Yeah.

And? And? We have our names carved around here somewhere.

There we are. Berg.

Oh, yeah. Wait a minute. Oh.

I don't get it. Blows what? Blow bubbles?

Oh, and there you are, Sharon Carter.

Yeah. We'll have to re -carve it. What do you mean? I'll be Sharon Donnelly.

Wow.

You're taking his name? I didn't think you'd do that.

Why wouldn't I? No reason. I just thought you might want to hang on to a

of independent.

She's not back there.

Sheriff's changing her name to Donnelly.

Your last name, right?

Hey, Miss Hottie.

Hey, this is the lead you were asking for. Oh, all right.

Hey, first...

I'm busted.

Why would you do that?

I hit a nerve, huh?

Well, look, guys, I'm gonna get out of here. You know, I just met this

marathoner from Zimbabwe.

We're both, like, totally skinny.

my big surprise for you. Drink up, guys. We are going to an all -night car wash

in Stockbridge.

Ooh, who do you know?

Can I take your order?

Baby, come and take a bachelor party.

I snuck up to see you.

They don't even know I'm gone.

Now, bachelor parties are all about a bunch of guys getting together, coming

terms with their friend, moving on.

Right now, the strippers really seem to be helping them cope with their loss.

Oh, I'm supposed to give this to you.

College boys!

Hey, what do you say I get us a pool table? That sounds Mrs. Donnelly. All

right, Mr.

Donnelly. What is wrong with that guy?

What are you talking about?

He blows off his own bachelor party so he can spy on you. What a control freak.

I'd like him to leave.

Why?

Sheriff, tonight was supposed to be the three of us.

Sheriff, it wasn't supposed to be just the three of us.

Oh, is that Marty?

This is a big deal.

Well, you know what? The old Sharon would have understood.

I'm leaving.

Hey, Burke, where are you going? We're up next. Get your hands off me. What's

your problem?

You're my problem.

You're my problem. We were having a good time, so you showed up here and started

putting me in a headlock.

How do you like it, trade school boy?

Fine. Just let him go.

Okay, knock it off. You knock it off.

She's the state of your bachelor party.

Whoa.

You know, and he gave it everything he had. If he didn't punch like a girl,

could have really hurt.

Johnny, put this popsicle on your face.

Pete, I told you to get a bag of ice.

What, are you kidding me? It's like $1 .98 a bag.

This isn't over.

You know, if he thinks I'm happy with him running down the street crying, he

sadly mistaken.

Pete, Johnny, just calm down. What's he thinking?

Does he think I'd just be okay with that?

I'm going to bust him up. I'm going to put his head through a wall.

What is it with your friends?

pops me for no reason? This one kisses you.

He did pop you for no reason.

Johnny, what do you want me to do?

Yes, they're idiots. Yes, they do stupid things. Like pop you for no reason.

You think Brooke's jealous of me?

Who wouldn't be?

You have me.

Okay. Yeah, kinda.

I got another little problem.

What? Pops got stuck to my face.

Ashley!

Ashley, come on and answer the door!

Ashley, the sun's down, so...

Am I bothering you? Is no more here?

He's sleeping.

Hmm.

Hey, can I ask him for one of his jerseys?

Pete! It's late.

Look, why don't you get your baba and go back to your crib?

I need to talk to you. Marty completely blew me off. Shh.

What? I told you not to make any plans with her. I didn't. I told her I might

at Mulligan's, and I might not, and she didn't show.

Huh.

Well, maybe she needs a stronger hint. Oh, okay, okay. Here's what you do.

Late at night, drive back and forth in front of her house really slowly.

Yeah, you're right. You're right. Because in the movies, the stalker

the girl.

Fine. Have a nice sleep alone. I'm going back to bed with my famous boyfriend.

I can't believe that Nomar fell for all of this. Nomar, no. He asked me out and

I said yes. We didn't play any games.

Oh. Oh, and this is the first healthy relationship I've ever been in.

Wow, I've really grown.

You've grown? What about me? I blow it with Marty thanks to you.

Pete, don't screw around with people's emotions. It'll get you nowhere.

How can a place with so many air fresheners smell this bad?

I think you owe us an apology.

You just have to accept that Johnny and I are getting married, okay?

Did you stop playing that stupid caterpillar game?

Hey, it's not stupid.

This was my big surprise for you.

A run -down machine and a dollar car wash?

Wow, this surprise ranks right up there with the used pinto I got for my 16th

birthday.

It was the very same machine that we used to play at Mulligan.

Right. The very same machine.

It is. Look, this is where I took a bite out of it. Senior year.

The same night I gave up Jägermeister.

You tracked this down?

Yeah.

Why?

You remember the good times we used to share over this game?

Yeah. You know, when everything was so easy, you know, and life was... We just

knew that life was going to turn out great. Well, you know, I thought maybe

one night we could... Bring it all back.

Oh, Bert.

You're such an idiot. What?

You're not mad at Johnny because he took me away.

You're mad because your life sucks right now. Yo, that is not true. Okay, think

about it. You're on probation.

You're not seeing anybody. And your newest friend is named Jerm.

At least he's there for me.

When you were going out with Ashley and your career was going great, you were

dying to hang out with me.

I go weeks without hearing from you. But did I come down and punch Ashley in the

face? I loved hanging out with you in college. I loved hanging out with you

after college.

But, you know, I mean, things change.

Don't you think I know that?

Then why are you acting like this?

Why? You know why?

Just because I act like I don't care doesn't mean I don't care.

You know, and the old Sharon, she knew that.

I didn't have to tell her that I was hurting, you know. She'd just make me

or give me a hug or something. And I guess I just miss her.

Oh, Berg.

You're not going to hit me again, are you?

You want a hug or you want to laugh?

The old Sharon would know.

Come here, college boy.

Okay, easy there. All right.

Okay, okay. Come here.

Come here, Mrs. Donnelly.

Hello, Berg.

Johnny, what are you doing here?

Where's Pete?

I sent him out. Oh.

Good, good.

Well, obviously I don't need to smack you around anymore, so I'll leave you

alone. Oh, not so fast.

My unblemished little friend.

You've got some unfinished business.

Okay.

I got something I want to give you.

Okay, okay.

But not the face, because I'm cute.

And not the hands, because I'm a doctor.

And you could call me a nasty name.

I'm really sensitive.

Oh, what are you going to do with that?

Stick it to your face.

Excuse me? Stick it to your face. Okay.

This isn't so bad.

Just wait.

Six.

Hey,

Marty. Hey, citizen demand of mystery.

Maybe you're staying in front of me. Maybe you're not.

Look, I want to apologize for the way I've been acting. I've just been

some bad advice from a friend.

Well, not so much a friend, more like living proof that evil walks the earth.

Chuck,

that better not be the last one.

It is. Too bad I already drank from it.

Like I care.

I guess she likes me too, huh?