All language subtitles for two_guys_and_a_girl_s03e19_war_stories

Hey.

What's with the beer?

Women.

What's with the neck brace?

Women.

Let me guess. Hot one to the right, hot
one to the left.

No, no, no, no, no.

She -devil.

Front and center.

Cannot wait to hear this story right
after I'm done telling you mine.

Though it all started because of my
probation.

They assigned me to the one group of
patients that I can no longer harm.

I'm going to take three.

And you're good?

Oh, Burke, don't let him raise you. He's
got a king high straight.

he has a good poker face.

Here, I brought you some coffee from the
outside world.

So how are you handling your probation?

Awesome. Other than John Doe 1 and John
Doe 2, I have the third best life here.

Excuse me. Is there Mr.

Anderson in here?

Oh, yes. Right behind me. Right here.

Oh, God.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did you know him?

No. I forgot to buy some meat for
dinner.

Okay, well, on that note, Morticia,
Gomez, have a nice day.

Hi, I'm Dr.

Bergen. Oh, hi, Tara Roberts.

Hi. I work at the funeral home.

I'm his ride.

So you work at a funeral home, huh?

I see dead people.

I hear that all the time.

This doesn't creep you out at all?

No. I've been hit on before.

You're doing fine.

Hey, have you ever drunk maple syrup
straight from the tree?

Uh, no.

My roommate and I, we have a fridge.

I'll pick you up at eight. We're going
to Vermont.

Wow,

you don't waste any time, do you?

No, no.

There's one thing I learned from this
job. It's that...

Life is very short. You have to
appreciate every moment.

Oh. Sighs.

You have nice eyes.

And your lips are blue.

Sorry,

boys. She likes them live.

Hey, Johnny, what's with the flowers?

Women. Back of the line, pal.

So anyway.

Uh -huh.

Vermont was amazing.

Tara and I, we drank beer straight from
a tree and then washed that back with

milk right from the cow's teat.

So what's the big deal? What? You met a
beautiful girl, you sucked some sap and

fondled a cow.

But wait, it gets weird.

Well, it better. So far, been there,
done that.

Hello, Irene.

Hey, Irene.

Hey, look, it's the bergy -wergy bugle
boy in company, Pete.

Hi, Irene. It's a nice jacket you got
there.

I think Johnny has a story he'd like to
share.

Hey, honey, what are you doing?

Stuffing envelopes for the charity
fundraiser.

Don't kiss me. You'll step.

Charity. Good. Keep that in mind,
because I have some news.

I was upstairs working, you know, being
very careful, taking every safety

precaution. To make a long story short,
I blew up a wall.

What? Yeah. So, until I fix it...

not? It's only one night. Think of it as
an extension of your charity work. You

know, you're always doing stuff to help
the unfortunate.

Huh? Who's more unfortunate than Irene?

Couldn't we just invite a carnival freak
to stay with us?

Okay, okay.

Hey, Irene, let me show you where we
keep the guest house.

So where are your other 37 cats?

upstairs. They'll be fine. I just
brought Sherman Meow and Priscilla,

the desert, because I'm trying to breed
them.

Do you have a pillow? Oh, and some
Sinatra?

Are they done?

I think.

But it takes a while for them to
disengage.

Okay, now that... Irene, it's four in
the morning. What are you doing up?

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't sleep at night.
I'm nocturnal. Well, except I'm not

totally nocturnal because I don't sleep
in the day either.

Hey, you guys want to play sorry?

I'm playing it right now.

Where are you going?

Up to Irene. Start fixing her wall.

Add a little padding.

What are all these greeting cards?

Oh, I don't just work in a greeting card
store. No, it is my passion. And one

day I hope to have my own line of
salutations.

Here, what do you think?

No bars or guards or prison dogs can
keep my love away.

Make it your goal to...

I wish I got to see him more.

Yeah. I don't get to see my dad much
either.

Oh.

What do they think he did?

Oh, no, no, no.

He just worked a lot. I hardly saw him
growing up. Oh, yeah. I know how you

feel. Yeah.

I guess we're not so different.

Hey, did your dad miss your ballet
recital? Yes.

Business trip.

Petty theft.

So Irene acted weird and was annoying.

Yeah, that's original.

So, all right, I have a story that you
have never heard, all right? I'm at the

fire station, right? Well, are you going
to explain the neck brace in a short

and timely manner?

Well, I was, but now let's take a
journey, shall we?

Hey, Rook, pick the blueberries out of
my pancakes. I changed my mind.

You know, guys, I'm sick of this. Just
because I'm the rookie doesn't mean I

should get abused.

You know, I feed you guys, I pick up
after you. Do you think this place

itself?

Oh, no, Chuck.

Mommy's mad.

Okay, okay, fine. You know what? You
just lost TV time.

Guys, I want to introduce you to our new
volunteer.

Meet Marty. Her dad was Frank Delaney
from the 62nd.

Let's go, guys.

All right, Rook.

I, uh, I think I should explain how
things work around here. You, uh, might

to take some notes.

Oh, you might want to ball it up and
shove it.

I beg your pardon?

Bite me, lady.

Okay, you're very crass.

Look, I know how things work around
here. I want the next spot on the truck,

you're in my way.

That's right.

That's right. I'm in your way. I'm going
to stay in your way, so you better get

used to it.

Do you stand this close to other
firemen?

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Oh, look who's no longer in my way.

And then she beats you up and that's how
you got the neck brace.

What, do you have a date with that cow?
Relax.

Hey, Captain, I finished waxing the
truck. Do you want to see?

Pete, you do know that's just busy work,
right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course I do. I was
just, you know, finding something to do

until it was time to count the boots.

Hey, Flynn.

You forgot to clean the side mirrors.

Lucky I'm here to add the other cheek to
your half -assed jaw.

Okay, do you hear the mouth on her? Does
that bother anybody else?

Real peach, huh?

Yeah, what is with you guys? Why don't
you give her a bad time the way you give

me? Be patient.

We're just waiting for the right moment.
All right, well, I'm not doing anything

now. Let's go.

No.

She'll get hers at Saturday's training
exercise.

We rigged the pressure on her fire hose.

She might be a little off target, if you
know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean.

There'll be so much pressure in that
hose, the whole squad couldn't hold on

it. Oh.

That doesn't seem fair.

You know what's not fair?

The training's different for women.

She gets to carry 50 pounds up a ladder
when you carry 100.

No way!

I have to carry 100 pounds up a ladder?

This affects all of us. I mean, she'll
probably make captain before I do. And

the dog will make captain before you do.

Look, we figure a little humiliation
will encourage her to do what we all

and that's quit.

That's such a colorful story. Could
you...

skip over the blah blah blah and get to
the neck break?

I'm trying to spin a yarn here.

Johnny's into it.

I still have vanilla in my hair.

Fine. Tell your story if it's more
interesting.

Thank you. Thank you. So Tara and I, we
were always doing something wild. You

know, she's free and exciting and
willing to try anything.

Do that again!

That wasn't me.

Thank you, but we don't need turndown
service.

Ashley, this is Tara. Tara, this is
Ashley.

Oh, man.

If I were into girls, I'd be all over
you.

Is she not great or what?

Oh, I'm kind of fine.

It's the beauty of a hearse. I can
always use the carpool lane. Nice

you.

You're on probation. Don't you think
that this is a tad bit irresponsible?

No, I don't.

I am tired of being responsible, you
know? At least when I was irresponsible,

was having a good time, you know? I
mean, look at me.

I'm happy.

When was the last time that you saw me
happy?

The Baywatch marathon.

Yeah.

Okay, maybe I just need to get to know
her better.

Yeah, you know what? Let's do it
tonight. What do you say, huh?

Tonight, Berg? I was just being polite.
Hey, well, look, this is the way Tara

and I do things, all right?

Spontaneous, living in the moment. Come
on.

Okay, well, actually, I have a date with
Nomar tonight.

That's perfect. We'll double date. We'll
double date. Tara's a huge baseball

fan. Yeah, she even met him once.
Really?

Yeah. Well, no, not officially.

She was actually, she was actually
shrieking across the field and security

tackled her before she could introduce
herself.

Oh, and here's a picture of me with my
dad at the airport.

He had a layover in town.

You look like him.

You know, Sharon, I'm really glad I've
gotten to know you better these last few

days. You know, for some reason, I've
never been able to make friends with my

neighbors. I wonder why.

I'm really glad that we've gotten to
know each other, too.

Really? Truly? For real? Yes.

Okay, okay, I admit, when Johnny first
invited you to stay, I wasn't thrilled.

But, but, but, no, no, no, now...

under my fingernail.

Oh, and look, I made you a card for your
charity, 10K. See, it's a tortoise and

a hare.

Don't be a doofus.

Let's all fight Lupin.

Irene, I got a card for you.

Four days ago, I fixed your wall, yet
every day you come to call.

Johnny, knock it off.

Oh, oh, I bet you two would like to be
alone.

Yes, Irene, we would.

Okie dokie. I'll just be in the little
girl's room. Perfect time to tinkle.

Enough is enough. She comes down here
every ten minutes. Well, she has to come

down and check on the cat.

They're trying to make babies.

On my bathrobe.

Tell Irene to stop coming down here.

No, I will not.

You know, I've really gotten to like
her.

You know, the old Sharon wouldn't have
had a problem with that. You know,

I look at you with your charity work,
and you're putting up with people, and I

don't even know who you are.

Well, I'm a better person now.

Well, stop it.

That's not the way our relationship
works. I am the good cop and you are the

cop. Well, why can't we be good cop,
good cop?

Is that what you want?

A world full of good cops?

Fine, fine. We'll both be good cops
because I will not be the bad guy.

just... Hey, are you guys going to be
long? Because I could take a shower.

Leave us in peace. You know, you're very
sweet. I don't want to hurt your

feelings, but you don't belong here.

See what you made me do.

Okay, I know it's been a long day, but
we have one more training exercise to

Now, you two know the drill.

Pete, take the window above the door.

Marty, the one to the left of that.

I guess that means the Crispy family
lives in the one above the door.

Gotcha. Are Crispy families funny? No,
they are not.

Okay.

On the count of three, run to your
hoses.

One. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second.

Sorry, Captain.

Gomer needs help.

Home, squirt water.

Fire, go away.

All right.

You know what? Let me use that one. No.
Come on. Move.

What's going on, Dunville? Yeah,
Dunville.

Stop fooling around.

You know, you ruin everything.

No wonder everybody at the firehouse
laughs at you.

Fine. Fine. You know what? Take that
hose. You get what you deserve.

Okay. On my count.

One.

have the two of you been? Well, we
hopped a fence, ran onto the runway, and

underneath the plane as it took off.

You see, Tara knows exactly how close we
can get without actually getting caught

up in the landing gear.

Well, I can't take the credit. My friend
Bill taught me.

God rest his soul.

So, is this where we're eating dinner? I
mean, don't get me wrong. I love a good

$12 bagel.

No, I've got a better idea.

Wait, here. I'll surprise you. You
always do.

She's brave.

So... So carefree, you know, so
adventurous.

You're sick of her, aren't you? No, I'm
scared of her.

She dragged me onto a runway.

I don't like to fly. I like even less to
be landed on.

This is such a mess, you know, I...

It does?

Yeah. You've been through a really rough
stretch lately, and you're just

reaching out for someone to make you
feel better.

Well, it's not working.

Well, hey, if you think about it, now
there's really only one person you can

count on for happiness.

Yeah.

at me and i said no so nobody's got any
idea what happened out

there today fine well maybe someone will
remember when you're all on your fifth

mile i want everyone on the track in 10
minutes

Run carefully.

You're smart to keep your mouth shut,
Dumb Bill.

You're a real genius, Cheese Wad.

All right, you know what? What is your
problem?

You're my problem.

You had no business making a fool out of
me. Oh, yeah? You look so stupid

watching me bang from tree to tree like
George of the Jungle.

Hey, you don't think I know how they
feel about women around here?

for me. I don't need anybody to be my
big brother, so knock it off.

Unbelievable. You're rude and you're
ungrateful. You know what? From now on,

can fight your own battles because I'm
not watching your back anymore.

Good. Fine.

Starting now.

Finally. You know how I would have told
that story? Some girl at work hurt my

neck. A lot more concise.

And the flowers are not for Sharon,
right?

No. No, Irene.

What happened to the girl from the
morgue?

Last time I saw her, she was driving off
a cliff in a convertible with her best

friend.

I'm sorry, man.

If I comfort you, you won't kiss me,
will you?

Visitor! You.

Yeah, I mean, I feel really bad about
what happened.

I made you a card, so hopefully you'll
be able to forgive me.

I'm sorry I kicked you out. It was wrong
of me to shout.

So if you can forgive, I'll let your
cats live in my bathtub or maybe in my

closet.

Now I feel bad about what Chairman Meow
did in your shoes.

What did he do in my shoes?