Original subtitles

Johnny and I are getting married in just a couple of months.

Still to each other, right?

What? Hey, it's not a lot.

Do we really want it to be special? So we're each writing our own personal vows

that we're going to recite to each other at the wedding.

Johnny's writing his own?

All right.

Limerick.

Hey, hey, he's been spending a lot of time on his. I bet they're going to be

very romantic.

Wait, what do you mean?

What?

Yes, no, absolutely.

Yes, I'll be there. Thank you.

Okay. Oh, right. Gutman called in thick. They want me to fill in for him. What a

day to be me.

Pete, fire.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's wrong with Johnny writing his own

vow?

Well, all right, my first oil fire.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Water makes an oil fire bigger.

Yeah, I know.

Now that's a fire worth fighting.

Okay, you remember what he wrote on your anniversary card? Happy anniversary.

It's been cool getting to know you. You're really cool.

Stay cool.

Johnny.

You know what? He wrote that in only two days.

Talk to Johnny.

Yeah.

Pete. Backdraft. On it.

Go.

Are you going to eat that?

Well, I was, but I found a donut on the sidewalk, so I'm full.

I don't know. I said your name and the stove burst into flames.

You are so funny. Is it the celibacy?

That's nice. You know, I take comfort in knowing that there's a team of Japanese

scientists working round the clock to find a way to destroy you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

That's mine.

I know.

That's why it tastes extra special.

Oh, that's not why.

Is there any reason you're here?

I just wanted to invite you to Nomar's golf tournament. All of his Red Sox

teammates are going to be there, plus lots of other celebrities.

And how will I be humiliated? Oh, glad you asked. You have to be a caddy.

Surprise! I'd love to be Nomar's caddy. Yeah, I'll get to hang out with him and

wave to the crowd. You know what? Surprise!

You're my caddy.

Well done.

You're getting more evil.

We need to find her nest and destroy the egg.

Pete!

Pete, come on. We are going to be late.

I am not wearing a vest with your name on it.

Why don't you just brand me with 666?

be here, Caddy. You just want to boss me around in front of a crowd of people.

You know what? Not this guy. I have my pride.

Carl Yastrzemski's going to be there.

I'll look for my pride on the back nine.

Hey, hey, we're in a hurry. Don't be a chatty, Caddy.

Hello? Pete?

Bird. I'm scared.

What? Look, I never should have come to the hospital. I'm not ready. I shouldn't

be handling patients.

Yeah, but they don't know that.

I've got four rooms waiting for me. I mean, what if something happens again?

know, what if I stick a needle in some guy and I nearly kill him? I want to go

home. My grandmom used to always say, the harder the choice, the sweeter the

reward. She also said Winston Churchill shoveled her driveway.

You can't prove he didn't.

We are nowhere near Brookline.

Well, this is what I get for having an idiot for my caddy.

Great. I'm missing it.

Don't worry. You'll get along without it. The Tin Man did.

Let's just get to the tournament.

Fine.

Hi. Hi.

Can I talk to you for a second? No, we're in a rush. Oh, that's terrific,

because I'm in a hurry, too.

Give me your wallets and watches.

Come on.

Give them up, and I'll take those clubs. Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Those are a gift from my boyfriend, Nomar Garcia Parra. You might know him.

baseball player? Yeah, that's right.

So they must be pretty valuable.

Yeah, that's right.

Hand him over, gutter wench.

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't talk to her like that. I was talking to you.

Ashley, stay behind me. No, no, no, no, Pete. You do not know what people like

this are capable of. It's okay. No, it's not. No, he is not worth it. He's a

pathetic loser. You don't, however, have to make the situation worse.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

Here's a dollar.

Just leave us alone.

You're not making the rules.

All right, you know what, pal? You don't even have a weapon.

Good point, Petey.

Okay, I don't want to tell you your job, but you should have flashed that

earlier. Good choice, Petey.

The harder the choice, the sweeter the rewards.

Hey, my grandmother used to say that.

Help -o.

I mean, hello?

Give me that.

If you were here right now, I'd kick your face in.

Thanks for the phone.

Yeah, don't even think about leaving the state!

Because there's roaming charges!

Hi, excuse me, sir. Listen, I know, I don't believe people when they say this

either, but we were mugged today, and we just need some money to get home.

Excuse me, ma 'am, I'm raising money for my school.

All right, this isn't working. What are we going to do?

Well, you're not sympathetic enough.

Maybe I could poke your eyes out and you could sell pencils.

We are in a lot of trouble here, all right? Could you please just work with

Forget it. I am not begging.

Fine.

What are you doing?

Oh, when the sun beats down and burns the tar up on the roof.

What are you doing?

And your shoes are so hot, you wish your tired feet were fireproof.

Thank you, sir.

Under the board.

the boardwalk out of the sun

under the boardwalk we'll be having some fun

under the boardwalk with people walking above under

the boardwalk

I found a donut on the sidewalk, so I'm full.

Oh, there you are.

Yeah, just doing some work in Irene's apartment.

What is that?

That's what your air filter looks like when you have 40 cats.

Ew. No, you'd think that's gross. I cleaned it yesterday.

Wait, wait, wait.

Have you written your wedding vows yet?

Yes, coming along nicely. Thank you.

Can I hear?

Wait a minute. Just last week we had a big fight because... Honey, honey.

We don't fight.

Right. Sorry.

I had this loud listening session.

Because I wanted to use the priest's vows, but you said no. You wanted our

to be special and to be surprised by them at the wedding.

Fine. I can see where this is going. I'll just go read them myself.

I hid them. I'll find them. I wrote them in code.

put some diapers on the cats while their potties are out of commission.

This isn't over.

Boom, boom, you get back here.

Ooh.

Oh, hey, kitty, I was just making you some lunch.

They're not in there.

Sweetie, I cannot believe that you thought... You know what? I don't even

the energy. Val!

have to hear them now, don't you trust me? Yes, baby, I do.

It's just that Pete and Bert felt so strongly about it. Yeah, right.

They also felt strongly that we hold the reception at Hooters.

I am serious. They said I should hear your vows.

Right. Okay, I'll prove it.

Oh, are you so immature that you are going to call... Yes, you are.

Pete, tell Johnny you should read me the vows before the wedding.

I mean, hello.

Just kind of joke.

You can face it.

Okay, when he gets back, he's going to pay for that.

Fine, fine. I will show you.

Oh, look.

Three prizes, right?

Okay, okay.

I am picturing myself at the altar in my beautiful dress. Now go.

I'm still putting the finishing touches on these. Oh, baby, I'm sure that

they're perfect because they come from you.

Okay. All right.

Ready? Yeah. Okay.

I, Jonathan Donnelly, take you, Sharon Carter, to be my lawful wedded bride.

To hold and to have.

To stay with you whether you have money or not.

Whether you're not feeling well or well.

Until one of us is dead.

What do you think?

So many things.

Well, okay, I admit I used the church vows as a bit of a blueprint, but, you

know, I got some original stuff in there. Uh -huh.

Yeah, you know what I love? I love the part where you switched have and hold.

Honey, honey, I thought we agreed to write something special that was going

be just for us. I know, but this says everything that I want to say.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Now, let's work on what I want you to say.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's hear your vows.

You can't.

Why not?

Don't have them.

What? Well, as far as I'm concerned, until you print yours, you've no right

criticize.

Wait, where are you going? I've done my homework, so I can do whatever I want.

So, if you'll excuse me, there are some cats who've made poopy in the diapers.

on Flamingo. Isn't that nuts?

Yeah, sometimes.

I wonder where I came from.

Oh, hey, Cher.

She's got the grumpies. Good luck.

Okay, okay.

You want to hear vows? I'll show you vows. Go ahead. I will. Fine. Good. All

right. My Vows by Sharon Carter.

I, Sharon Carter, on the embarkation of this momentous occasion, promise to

always be true to the sacredness of our marriage, where our union will set an

example for others.

We will every day try to make our planet a better place, inspiring those around

us to be better people, bringing joy and peace to the world.

Thank you, Miss Indiana.

And now for the talent portion of our wedding.

right. Let's just go with until one of us is dead.

Oh, yeah. Dr. Berg is back, baby.

Jeez, Johnny.

You're mean.

Well done.

You're getting more evil.

We need to find her nest and destroy the eggs.

Pete sees you as a mom.

So where are you off to?

Good question. Dr. Gutman called in sick and had let me fill in for him. It's

the opportunity I've been waiting for.

Great. Just try and keep a positive attitude.

Okay. And try not to think about screwing up. I won't. Because you're

academic probation. If you screw up then, where do you go?

I won't screw up. Out of the program. That's where three years wasted... I

that! Don't you think I know that?

Ah, Dr. Bergen. Good.

I have an emergency to take care of. I want you to finish up with the patient

room A.

What is it? It's a small laceration over the eye.

How small?

Small, small, teeny small?

Teeny small.

Yeah, I've done the sutures. Just finish it up. Okay.

So that would entail... Putting on a band -aid.

Small band -aid, teeny band -aid? I'll make the call.

Hello? Pete?

Bird. I'm scared.

What? I never should have come to the hospital. I'm not ready. I shouldn't be

handling patients.

My grandmom used to always say, the harder the choice, the sweeter the

She also said Winston Churchill shoveled her driveway.

You can't prove he didn't.

Look, Bird, you just need your confidence back.

All right, take on a case you can handle.

Start with the easy ones and work your way up.

Thanks, man.

All right, listen, I got to go. I got to call a cab. We're going to be late. No,

no, don't take a cab. Take the subway. It's way faster.

I don't know. Trust me, Pete.

Cab drivers will rip you off.

So, how are we doing today?

I've been better.

Let's just take a look at it.

Okay, I can do this.

You weren't sure?

I've been on probation.

So how'd it happen, anyway?

On the job.

Guy took a swing at me.

I don't know.

Maybe I should just give it up.

Find some other line of work.

Well, is this job something you love doing?

Sure.

Make my own hours, the pay is pretty good, and I deal with people, which I

Then you can't quit.

Because if this job is something you love doing, then you've got to get back

there. No, you've got to get back out there today.

I don't know. Hey, hey.

Look, a friend of mine gave me a piece of advice.

Shove a bum.

He said, the heart of the choice, the sweet of the reward.

That's catchy.

You know your customers. You start with the easy ones, work your way out.

Bergen, need you an exam room, too. Be right there, Stuart.

Thanks, Doc.

I'm going to take a walk downtown and get back to work right now. No, take the

subway. It's way faster.

Here, have a token on me.

Thanks.

Take on the easy ones first. Pull down the weakest of the herd.

I just can't figure it out.

Why us?

Hey, listen, Pete, I just want to thank you for sticking up for me today with

the mugger. It meant a lot.

No, gutter wench is my special nickname for you.

So, what do we do now?

I suggest we put this ugliness behind us. You mean the mugging? No, I mean us

getting along. Good idea.

Are you finished rewriting your

vows?

Yeah,

me too.

Why can't we do this?

I mean, what does this say about us?

You know, I just... I've never been very good at, you know, putting that kind of

stuff on paper.

You know how I feel about you.

Of course.

I mean, I guess.

I... Well,

I'm sure I could... I could never imagine spending the rest of my life

anybody except you.

I know.

I love you so much, it hurts to even imagine my life without you.

See you in my life and holding my hand.

I have all that I could ever want.

You know that every morning when I wake up, I see you lying next to me, I

just... I thank God how lucky I am that I get to grow old with you.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, there's a house!

What was that thing you said about being in bed?

Bold. Right. And then you said something about being together for something

forever, and then there was something about something that was love, baby.

love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love in my life.

Oh, the hell with it.

I, Sharon Carter, take you, Jonathan Donnelly, to be my lawful wedded

to have and to hold, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to

one of us dead.

That's cool.

Oh, hey, here you go. Daddy!

Here!

I got you some golf clubs.

Hey, what's going on? I'm going to call my cell phone. I'm going to give that

mugger a piece of my mind. Hey, good for you.

Oh, my daddy just gave me one of these.

Now, who called me?

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello?

What? What?

Irene, knock it off. I can't hear.

Oh, sorry.

Hello?

You people are dumb.